Last week I had therapy again, I have been debating on continuing or stopping at this point. I do not feel I get as much out of it as I did when I had the other therapist. The other therapist was a lot like me so she just call me out or tell me like it was even if you didn’t want to hear it. She would push me to do things I needed to get done. Some times that is what I need. Maybe not so much push me or tell me but she held me accountable for things and asked about them and expected hem to be done. Sometimes that is what we need someone to hold us accountable for things. I won’t lie it helps me it helps me get things done. Other wise I slip back into the oh well who cares I will get to it when I do or if I don’t no one will notice anyway. She wasn’t a single mom she hadn’t been there and didn’t know first hand what it was like. She didn’t try to oh been there I understand that or oh I know how you feel, or I went through that this is what I done. That is how the new therapist is she is a single mom and she has been through it. But her way of approaching it is not the way I want to look at things. They don’t help they kind of make it worse and I just while writing this it hit me why I don’t care for the way she handles things Don’t get me wrong I like her she seems like a very good person, she cares and she means well but she just isn’t the right fit for me. She is someone I could be friends with in different situation.
Her approach is this is just how life is right now make the best of it. It is just what it is it will get better at some point or when all these other things happen. Where as if there was a problem the other therapist was more of a so what are you going to do about it? What can you do to change it? Can you change it? If not what can you do to make it easier to live with or to keep it’s effect it has on you or how much are you going to let it effect you it’s something out of your control? It’s happen lets deal with it and keep moving don’t let it drag you back to where you were, don’t drag it around with you and let it eat at you or make things harder or a battle you have to deal with and fight with all the time. Not just accept it and hope that life is going to get better in the future. She was make it better it is in how you deal with it. I really am not feeling like I am doing better I feel like I am on the edge of slipping back to where I was and it is a battle I am fighting every day. I do not feel when I go there it is helping like I did before. I find myself dreading it more and more now. Not because of how I feel but because I feel I am wasting my time I can deal with it and tell myself that one day life will be better, I don’t need her to tell me.
I am supposed to go back in two weeks since this week is spring break, but I am thinking about not going back. I am kind of scared not to go back either because I am worried I will fall right back where I was before quickly if I don’t. Right now I feel like I am being lead there slowly and I keep going back in hopes that things will change and get better. Even though I know they aren’t going to.
I have thought about asking to see someone else but I don’t know how that would go or how to go about that. I feel that it will be awkward as well to ask to see someone else and seeing her when I go. I know I shouldn’t care and that I need to do what is best for me but then I feel like what if I get someone else like her? What am I supposed to say when I ask for someone else and they ask why? How do I explain it to them? What are they going to think? Probably that I am crazy and just complaining or that she said something I didn’t like so I want to change. This is the second person I have seen in what 6 months. But I didn’t change I was handed off because the other had a change in jobs. This is not the first pick to put me with for the first therapist I had this was her second pick. The second didn’t have her hours and things up and was taking time off or something. I have even thought about emailing my old therapist and telling her how things are going and see about changing. But then this is her boss so I don’t know if I should or not. I am just confused, I have 4 papers and a video and two classes of work to get done and I have to much on my mind to even be able to concentrate on it. I started doing the work that is due tonight so I can start on the 4 papers that are due in two weeks. I got a few pages in and stop to write this.
I am back to not being able to sleep but feeling sleepy all the time. I have watched the sun come up the last two days then slept a few hours and up, part of why I can’t do my work. All I want to do is take a nap and I need to get this work that is due tonight done at least. I also need to get this stuff done with the house and the kids junk. I just don’t know what I am going to do.
My therapist did say one thing that kind of made me feel good when I was there Tuesday, we were talking about stuff that had happen the last few weeks since I had been there, the truck breaking down, the girl taking off at school, my classes and just everything. She started talking about things we had talked about before, she said you are so smart, you are someone if I had a business or was opening a business I would hire you to run it. She said I know you want to get into social work and things but I see you running a business a doctors office or something like that. She said you know enough about all kinds of stuff, you aren’t afraid to take charge, you know how to deal with people. She said if you don’t know you find out or figure out a way.
I was kind of surprised and caught of guard but thought it was funny too, because I have a friend who is always calling me asking me stuff. She tells everyone oh let me call so and so she will know or how to find out whatever it is. It was nice to feel that she thought way, now if others seen that and I could get some kind of decent job other than a cashier or something.
I have a little over a week to decide if I want to keep going, ask for someone else, or just stop and see what happens.