{April 16, 2017}   What Do You Say To That

When Father of the Year got done with the truck me and Wanda were sitting outside talking and I ask him if he was leaving or what time he had to be home. I said what are you trying to get rid of me? Why are you trying to get rid of me? Wanda looked at him and said no she is going to leave if your going to be here. He said oh what do you have in there to make for dinner tonight? I told him I was probably just going to go to the store to pick something up, I haven’t been shopping and didn’t lay anything out. He said okay, so I went and got them stuff to make for dinner. I have some stuff here but not a lot because over this past week why the kids have been out of school we haven’t felt like doing shopping so I went the day or two before they got out and just tossed stuff in the buggy to go with stuff we already had here to make meals out of it to get it all used up and start over. I will go shopping for months and buy stuff then some of it odds and ends get left in there where I bought to much or made something else with with part of what I had. I like to use all that stuff up every few months so it don’t go bad and I don’t have a bunch of random stuff sitting around. I didn’t want to really go out go out but I wanted out of the house and didn’t want to sit here and hang out with him all night why he was “seeing” the kids.

Me and Wanda went and grabbed a burger at the fast food place, normally I would just go through the drive through but since we were just wasting time I parked and we went inside. We were sitting there talking and some how the topic of drugs came up and being hooked on pills. I said I never understood what people got out of it that they just make me sleepy I don’t feel high at all. I said but then I guess because I take them like I am supposed to not handfuls at a time and crap. That is why thy OD on them they take so many at a time and then have to take more because they get use to it. I said but then look at how many of them nod off and shit so it is making them tired too.

She said yeah that she took her’s if she had them and needed them and took an extra one in the day sometimes if she got really bad but she didn’t even take them close together she take the one if it didn’t help in a couple hours she might take another one. Or if she started hurting before it was time for the next one and he needed it, but the other days she may not take any. She said they make you feel the same as pot. I said I haven’t done it but know people who do and had been at a friends when he was doing it and talking about them eating everything that wasn’t nailed down. I said I am big enough without eating like that. She said yeah only difference really with pot is that the pot makes you eat. That is why she takes it because she has problems with her stomach and things and gets to were she can’t eat. She said just like that I don’t go oh I need it every day let me keep going to get some. She was talking about these people rushing to a doctor and trying to get pills as soon as theirs runs out and to the er lying to get them and things how ER drug test you now soon as you walk in most the time. She hadn’t had any pot in a long time and still had some of the pills that he got at the doctor last time they put her in the hospital and kept her for a week. I know she hasn’t because it has been over six months since she had pot. She got really sick and couldn’t eat anything and was doubled over in pain and puking off and on all day. Every time she would eat she as sick, a friend brought her some and she smoked it a few days maybe a week and she has been doing good since. But she went to the hospital they put her in there keep her for a week or two or they would tell her there was nothing they could do for her go home. She has a problem where her stomach don’t digest the food and another problem. I kept telling her last time it was that stuff acting up because she just been in there for a week a week or two before this. I told her they didn’t do enough or something that she needed to go back she did that instead and has been fine. I feel it should be legal for people who are sick I had aunts who used it when they were going through their cancer treatment, we were going to get my dad some because of his but he got so bad so fast he couldn’t have used it.

When we were talking about how the hospitals drug test you now most every time you go in and for sure if you are going in saying you need pain pills. I said that is why I don’t understand how RC was going all the time to get them after we split up. I said he would never go for anything when we were together but after we split up and he got with her something was always happening and he was in that ER. She said I don’t know but he admitted to me straight out that he had a pill problem and that it was bad and he was doing them when he was with you. I said I know he does i didn’t when we were together but found them when I was moving and put two and two together.

We went on talking and she acted as if she was waiting for me to ask her more or say more about it and ask what all he had said about it or what but I didn’t. I just went on talking almost like she hadn’t even said it. I didn’t know what to say about it or to her. Like I said I didn’t put it together until the end and it was to late. But after all these years of him lying and saying he didn’t and shit even though I knew it was surreal to hear her say it. I didn’t know what to say or how to respond. I wanted to ask her a few things see if he had said anything or what but then I didn’t know if I wanted to know or how I even felt about what she just said. I still don’t know how I feel about it. I feel odd everything since she told me. I don’t feel mad, I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel like OH I ALWAYS KNEW! I can’t explain how I feel. I guess maybe I want answers but not from her but him. But what answers? Then tonight I am laying here in my bed unable to sleep thinking about it and I wonder he laid about that what else did he lie about? Was it all a lie? Did he really care? Do I care if he did? Why do I care if he did? It’s done it’s over? What about the shit he said to me when we were texting before I had the baby? Why did he go back to her? Why didn’t he stay? Did he go back to her because of the reasons I figure he did? Did he not stay because of why I think he didn’t? I wonder what does he think now? Why do I care? Is he happy? Dose he ever think about his little girl? Does he still have the photo album of her I left him? (I just thought of that one go figure) Dose he still care? Dose he even care about her? Again why do I care what he thinks or feels? Why do I still care about him? Why did I not really care about him and hadn’t really felt or thought anything about him in a caring kind of way in forever but tonight I have all these questions and wonder all this shit? I wonder why I feel the way I do about it all. I just feel so perplexed. I wonder what would he do if we ended up the same place somewhere like me and his ex did at therapy? I wonder how I would be? I know I would say something to him but I don’t know what? I wonder if I would be mad or what I would feel?

Just to many questions, I think of him of course he is my daughters father, she looks like him, things she does are just like him. But I didn’t really think about him other than oh lord she just like her daddy, or yep she got that from her daddy. But nothing feeling wise and tonight I am feeling some sort of way and I don’t know what to think about it. Or what I should have said to her when she said it.

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