My mom wanted to go out to eat today instead of anyone cooking and having it at their house. My grandma use to have all the holidays at her house and all the family that lived here came. When she stopped doing it my mom would have it at her house and mostly just us my sister, brother and my family. Sometimes my grandparents would come. When I bought my house we had some there until me and my brother got into it and I said I did not want him and his family at my house anymore. We went back to having them at my moms house and the last 3 or 4 years now my sisters. The last few she has wanted to go out because no one’s house or set up is good enough. I wanted to go grill out at the park today and be done. But burgers and hot dogs were not suitable for Easter. Like last Holiday I just told her I didn’t have it and she said Father of the Year could pay for it, whatever fine I don’t have to deal with it and the kids are just as happy either way. We do our own holiday together that day sometime before we all get together or after if we are not going to have time we do it the day before. We do not do it for all holidays just some depending on how we feel about the holiday coming up. Like Thanksgiving I have almost always done the night before with just my family at home. We don’t cook a huge meal but a nice meal and eat together. It started when me and farther of the year was together for our first Thanksgiving, I had to work that day and he was going to his parents since i wasn’t going to be home. We decided to do ours together the night before. It wasn’t done every year we skipped it a few times over the years it was mostly just Thanksgiving. But since my mom has gotten the way she is about everything and me and father of the year getting a divorce and everyone not getting a long as well I have started doing it more with my kids. I want us to have a meal we enjoy together without all the loudness of everyone else, the do this do that, don’t do this, don’t do that of everyone and just because. Just like birthdays, they take cupcakes to school for the class and that night at home we have whatever they want for dinner and a cake, I give them their gift from me and the kids. Then if we get together with family the other three kids give them the gifts the y bought for them and they get whatever whoever comes brings. But it is a nice time to just spend us together having fun as a family enjoying their day or our holiday how we want. Then if the holiday or whatever gets messed up because someone does something or plans get changed or whatever other reasons we still had a good holiday because we already done ours. Maybe it is wrong but I don’t care, it seems it has brought me and the kids closer since we started doing things this way as well.

Anyway today we went down to where we had my oldest daughters birthday dinner a few weeks ago, the one my mom didn’t come to because it was so far and the traffic. Nothing would do her today until we went down there. I felt it was way to much money to spend and just didn’t want to deal with the crowd that was going to be there but said I don’t care. I just wanted to get it over with. We got there a few minutes before they did, so we walked up to the front and was waiting. They pulled in and parked close so we walked out to the truck. My mom was out and headed across the parking lot toward us. The kids ran gave her hugs and was saying hi and everything. I walk up and she looks at me pulls at my shirt and says what is this? Oh my God look at you, you look pregnant! Is that a meternity top or is that just the way it’s made? I said no it’s not, she said oh you look so big in it and goes on. I wanted to just get in my truck and go home but here I am about 30 miles from home and the kids are excited to see my sister and her family and my mother, they want to go to the park with them and do egg hunt and gifts for the girls birthdays that just passed. They don’t have room if I leave them all and go home. I felt I looked nice, even though I didn’t have the money to I took the kids and let them all pick out a new shirt or dress for today and decided I would splurge and buy myself a new shirt since I only have one or two nicer shirts that I like and fit nice. We just got new shorts/pants a while back I let all the kids get a few pair. Shirts they pick up all the time because we find them on sale for $5 or less so I grab them some if they find some they like and they have them in their size and I have extra money. I find it saves me from spending a huge chunk of money at one time taking them all shopping and buying them new clothes every so often, they end up getting more too. Because when we find the shirts most times only one or two find ones they like in their size and I am spending half the price as I normally would so I am getting two to 3 shirts for what I would have spent on one and only buying a few for one maybe two kids. Since we just got pants and shorts a few weeks ago I knew they had them at home I wanted a dressier nicer shirt for them all, that’s what they got. My little one got a dress. I started to not buy me the shirt I picked out I thought I really shouldn’t I need the money for other stuff I just decided that I need clothes once in a while too and that I wanted to look nice today as well. Maybe get some pictures of me and the kids together. I liked it when I put it on and felt good, then an hour later we get there and she says all that.

We get inside then she ask me who is paying for me and the kids or how we are splitting it up. I said I guess he is because the last time I paid for me, all the kids and then him too. I knew I was going to pay for me and the kids I planed on it, but I didn’t plan on paying for him as well. He says he paid for it but he told me he was giving me x amount of money for the week and then when I got it was short. He said he had to get dinner and gas. Really then I just bought your dinner and gas because you took it out of what you told me you were giving me. Plus I had told him I didn’t have money for that today and I didn’t want to be there why am I paying to be a part of something I don’t want to go to? They are the ones insisted we come they would take care of it. If I had the money I still would not have went there. I would have went somewhere else their idea was there or another place that I do not like most anything on their menu so I said fine lets go there. I don’t like sea food and that is about all the other places has. It would have cost the same either way if not more to go to the other place. I was told pick where to go and when I did it was shot down to these two other places so whatever.

We ate me the kids left about ten or fifteen minutes before them we were done and needed to stop at the store across the street so I figured by the time we got out of there they should be done and coming out and I had to get out of there because I was about to start crying right there at the table. My sisters dad, my step dad lives close to where we were going and she said she started to call and ask him to come eat with us but didn’t. She said she figured my mom would say something but then she said she didn’t care but she didn’t because she figured he wouldn’t come he never does. When she said she figured mom wouldn’t want her to I said you should have anyway it isn’t any of her business. I was going to say see him as much as you can and don’t worry about when or where it is or who likes it. But I couldn’t I had to stop because I just started crying. I stopped myself before anyone seen but I was fighting it. I everyone was done eating they were going back and forth to get dessert and I had finished and was eating my salad. My 4 got done I said we are going to go so we can get in and out of the store so we aren’t holding everyone up later at the park and left.
I don’t know why I started crying, I hadn’t cried over my dad in a while. I wasn’t even really thinking about him until we started talking and she said that, as soon as I went to say what I was going to say it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I still haven’t figure out why I was fine once we left. Only thing I can figure is maybe because I have already had all the shit with RC on my mind, maybe because I have such a hard time with being around my mom and dealing with her and Father of the Year and I just want away from here and them, I don’t know. I miss him I miss him a lot but I don’t dwell on it and I don’t sit and think about it all the time. I try to keep busy remember the fun times and keep on keeping on. I did think today about how the first Easter after he passed was what a mess it was and things. How I came home with a six pack but didn’t end up drinking it. But even then it was a fleeting thought because of something that happen or was said today and that was it.

I am just glad to be through the day and home sitting in my bed relaxing and getting the kids to bed and ready for school tomorrow.

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