{April 29, 2017}   I feel Crazy

I was woke up at 4/5 in the morning by Wanda’s brother calling and texting me. I didn’t answer I just text him back and ask him why the hell he was texting me at that time. Then he told me that they were about 20 or 30 mile south of where we are. I kind of figured that they would go down that way because that is where Father of the Year works. He didn’t say where or anything just she was there with my man. I said he isn’t my man he hasn’t been my man in a very long time I want nothing to do with him. I said they deserve each other they are just a like selfish out for nothing but their self they care about no one but their self not even each other. I told him she thought what she just left was bad she was about to really get it down on her about 100x worse than what she just left. I said they will be homeless in a month or less. He didn’t go to work last night and I am sure he isn’t going this morning because he left all his work shit here. I told him how he never keeps a job and that they would be coming to get money from him but not to look for it back he owes money all over to town don’t pay it back. I said I hope she enjoys all he abuse I did he is worse than when we were together so I am sure she will and then some.

He tried to call me again about 7 or so I was sleeping I didn’t answer or respond at all to that. I sent him a message a little bit ago and said what but he hasn’t said anything. Probably passed out from drinking already this morning. Then wonders why no one likes him. Fucking crazy ass. It is sad because he seems like a really decent guy if he wasn’t drinking. I told him last night or yesterday when he was texting me that he drink to much, he said he was in a bad place right now. Didn’t I ever get in a bad place? I said yes but I can’t drink all day to get away from it, I slap on my best fake happy face and take care of business because there isn’t anyone else going to do it and I have 4 kids that need taken care of, school to get done and work to find. He ask if I really did all that I said yes because their dad never comes around or anything I am it 24/7. I know they had a ruff childhood, their mom dumped him at like two or three with someone and left for years, when she did come back to get him at like 10 or older his step dad abused him and he moved out at 16 working two jobs. He has done good has a house and things but I think uses the drinking to self medicate. Wanda said she wasn’t sure what was going on that she hadn’t seen him drinking like he is right now. He drink but not all day like that, he worked and things. He just got fired for showing up drunk Thursday. He don’t care he don’t have to work he has everything he needs and everything paid for he works to get out of the house. They both say things were pretty bad growing up the way things were and none of them are really sure who their dad was they just know who they were told but don’t make since because of different stuff. But you know what people ca do better, just like her brother he has done better for himself she has anything he wants because he worked and did other things to make money have money and save money. She decided to be like her mom and the rest of the family and just fuck around I guess. I have only known her a few years and she seemed okay, she will tell you she has screwed up but she had changed and wanted to do better with her life and trying to get things straight for her self. I guess that was all a lie because look at where things are now.

Anyway on to why I really started this post I don’t know how I feel, I feel numb I guess, I don’t know how to explain it. One minute I don’t know how I feel or feel nothing then I am feeling depressed. Like I woke up to my phone blowing up and things and when I finally got up a little bit ago I was thinking about it. I feel hurt, I feel used, but most of all I feel worthless. I feel like why me? What is wrong with me that even my so called best friend used me and did me the way she did? I feel like I am not worth anything to anyone but to use and abuse. I go back to feeling numb or nothing, I tell myself I did the right thing I tried to help her I didn’t do anything wrong it was them. I am having chest pain again today, it was the other day too. I feel angry, pissed off, I feel like I don’t know. it just comes and goes back and forth how I feel. I don’t like this feeling one minute it is one thing the next it is something else then something else. I feel like someone is flipping stations on the radio every few seconds or minutes. I don’t like it. I just want to crawl under my blanket on my bed and go back to sleep and it is driving me crazy being in my bed. I am sitting here on the bed writing this and thinking about all I need to do all the bills that need paid and everything else. Trying not to stress but I am going into stressed out mode right now. I feel myself getting all worked up then in a minute I am on to angry and back to fuck it all, to why me. Am I selfish for saying why me? Am I for being angry? That was my best friend we did everything together she stayed at my house and had moved in and did this behind my back. This is just not right. I am truly pissed off at her for going there. I just want to call them and I don’t even know why because I don’t even know what I would say to them. I don’t want to talk to them at all really but I do. The kids are asking about them and where is daddy why did Wanda move out. But I know she don’t care because she dumped her kids with guys and left them between the ages of 2 and 5. Left them with their “daddies” She don’t know who their daddies are really, She left two with her ex husband an one with a guy she was cheating with because he had a dna test she says she never seen that said she was his. she never see’s them or talks to them hardly. So I am sure Father of the Year will not be coming around at all now. I told him I didn’t want them around her. I think I am going to go lay down for another 30 or 40 minutes and then make myself get up and do something. I don’t know what, just anything to help get my mind off this crap. I have jumped between every feeling and emotion that I think you can have about a dozen times just writing this. I feel crazy is what I feel a long with numb I feel crazy like there is something wrong with me.

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