{May 31, 2017}   Stopped Working

I have not been around much because I have been so tired and hardly functioning for a week or more. I have been passing out at 10 or 11 pm, sleeping until 10 the next morning and then still laying around doing nothing until all hours of the after noon the last three days. I have been extra tired other days and laying around too but have had to get up go to work, shopping and other things. If I have to get up I will but if I don’t, I won’t. I feel like I sit there fighting to hold my eyes open it is so bad. I am starting to feel tired tonight but hadn’t up until a little bit ago and it is now 2 am. I have been back in my medication for a little bit now too and it is not knocking me out like it use to. It isn’t even making me sleepy when I take it. Most nights I forget to take it get up about 12 or so and take it then go back to bed. I have taken it in the morning a few times when I forgot to take it at night and it isn’t effecting me at all.

I do not think it is helping in any way at all anymore honestly, I feel like I did before I got on it, can’t sleep for days or weeks at a time then all I want to do is sleep for days at a time. I am so aggravated and annoyed by every little thing. The kids are driving me up the wall to the point I just want to walk out and leave or start drinking. I still don’t know what is up with the wanting to drink so bad when I get like this. That is new and I never had that before. I am calling tomorrow to get back in with the doctor to see if they can up my medication or if they have to change it to something else. I hope they get me in this week because I I don’t know if I can keep doing this like this. I know being sleepy just makes it worse because I just want to be left alone and not hear anything or deal with anything. I have to go to work tomorrow and I hope that everything goes smooth and nothing bothers me there and I don’t snap. I go see the therapist this week too. Maybe if they can’t get me in to the doctor to change it she can call them and tell them they need to phone something in or call me and do something not leave me hanging for to long to wait on getting this straight.

I was reading about my medication and it says it is good for short term use but not very long term use and that it is dosed at 5 and they told me the lowest was 10 and have me on 10. I think the pill comes in 10 but it is mint to be broken in half if need be and my doctor or therapist didn’t know that. It says that the max you can take is 20 but there was no real difference seen at 20 than 10 so basically if 10 isn’t working or you have been on it for very long they probably should change you to something else. I am kind of scared to take something else. But I have to take something because I can’t keep going like this.

I know the other therapist I was seeing said they start you out on a dose and then sometimes once it gets in your system they have to go back and up it a little or something like that but that you need to be on a lower dose for a week or two before they can do that. She said sometimes the lower isn’t enough. But I think that medications have such a affect on me they didn’t have to up it but now that I have been on it for so long it isn’t working anymore I have built up a tolerance to it. I know I do that pretty quick as well with most things. I wish I could see my other therapist again instead of the one I have. She is nice and everything but I still like the other one better. We just worked good together. I felt I got more out of my time when I seen the other than I do now.

I guess I need to go to bed and try to sleep tonight. Hope I am not flipping now and going to be up for days on end like the other week. Not sure witch would make for a longer day tomorrow. But I like having this job it gives me something to get up get out of the house and do.

I went to the other job interview I had Monday, it was a waste of time. I will tell you more about that later. I have to try and get some sleep now.

{May 24, 2017}   Sometimes More is Better

When I left work earlier he said he bring me some cash by later in case I needed money. I figured he pay me Friday or next week, not sure if they get paid every week or how, I didn’t even know if I was being put on the payroll or getting cash. I just needed the hours and the money I wasn’t going to complain either way. He said that I told him that would be great and thanks a lot. I left at 1230 and they were getting ready to go to lunch so he had to go to the bank and things.

This evening I was going to make dinner and his wife messaged me ask if I was home, I told her yes. I figured they didn’t see my truck in the driveway and thought I was gone. She said they were out and on their way over to bring me money. She came and gave me $50 cash. I was surprised because that is over $6.50 more than what I was told I would make. But he went and got it and was with her and gave it to her to give me so I know it was right. It helps, I can get gas, oil and maybe have a few dollars left over. But we will have what we need. I know he knows the situation is why he did it. It was nice of him.

That is one thing I miss about my old job doing bail bond, I use to get all kinds of bounces there in addition to my pay when business was doing good. I got a lot more bounce money than the owners mom who worked there even. They use to give it to me when she wasn’t there, have the other owners wife give it to me at church or give me an envelope when I was leaving ask me to mail it or do this or that with it. It would have money in it. One day we were about 5 or 6 months into the year and she was complaining that they never give us anything extra and all that WE did around there and things. She had a book she kept her stuff written down in because she had some jobs that were commission, I guess she wrote down any bounces she got too. She was having a fit that she only made $200 that year what they had given us. I was sitting back in my head thinking and figuring I had gotten money three times that years all added up to $600. But I also went in and really cleaned and deep cleaned the office, I cleaned the office and storage/file room out and got rid of tons of stuff that was all over. I wrote a lot of bonds and one very large bond for one of the guys that had been in prison for almost 30 years and then they found he had nothing to do with it. But they still made him post a bond until the formal paperwork and hearing could go through. It was over a $100,000 for one bond the people had called 3 or 4 other companies they told them to come in after lunch and things like that. He ask me if I was in the office if I was going to lunch soon. I told him yeah I was in the office if he was on his way I would wait to go to lunch and he then told me how much the bond was and that he would be there in a little bit.   Just different things I did over my normal job or what I had to do. When I did they were grateful and showed it.

I don’t expect it every time but it was nice tonight with things being so tight. It was nice at my last job to working for someone that cares and see’s you as more than a body to keep the door open and knows what you bring to the company. Treats you like a person and not as if your job is the first and only thing in your life.

{May 24, 2017}   Better Than I Expected

I finally made it to work this morning after hardly sleeping and then oversleeping the little bit I did. I went in and he was sitting there at the desk, he handed me a box and said that was what needed filed. He said he had someone doing up until about February they got sick and he just been tossing it in the box. Wasn’t even that big of a box but there was a ton of stuff in it. I was thinking file so I took and went through the box pulled out all the big sheets of paper and like stuff first and had piles all around all over the desk and floor. I went to file it then I realized what he was talking about he files everything by month not where it is from or what it is. Just everything that has been paid out or what from that month gets put in a folder. So then I went through each pile and sorted it by month. Still having it in piles made it easier to file it by month because I could put everything a like together and paper clip it then stick it in that folder for the month. Then I had other stuff that I had to get together that didn’t have matches then recipes where they bought stuff at stores, went to eat or whatever that had to be gone through and filed. There was some stuff that just seemed like trash and didn’t really have a place at all. I finally just took the box got another smaller box and tossed all the stuff that didn’t need filed in it to let him go through and pulled everything else and sorted it all by month then went back and sorted it by what it was and filed it. I got it all done. I didn’t think it would take three hours to get it done but it did. I was shocked. But I think just because I had to get it all sorted from the other stuff and sorted all the trash out and tossed it as I was going through it. They just put the bill with all the extra trash that was with it in there and the invoice with the add’s the parts store stapled to it in there. That was 3 months ago that add is no good we don’t need it now, all they need it the paper showing what they bought and how much was spent.

We talked a little not a lot really, he told me he wasn’t worried about what time I came or went, what days I came or anything like that as long as the job got done is all he cared about. He said if I had anything with the kids to do it and take care of them and not worry about it. I have a desk with a computer and everything, he told me use it for whatever I wanted/needed, he said he had the password to get on it but the rest would probably have to be reset. He said he had quick books but had just got rid of it not long ago but if I wanted it instead he could get it back and to just let him know whatever I needed or wanted that would make the job easier or to get the job done he would get it, it wasn’t a problem. I was thinking if you could make this a full time job and not just a few hours a week this would be great or even close to full time would be great. Right now it is only about 10 hours a week probably if that.

I am going to study spreadsheets tonight, I learned them in my office class but it was a fast moving class and I need to touch up on them. My friend asked me if I could do them when she was telling me he needed someone a few hours a week to come up there. I told her I have to study up on them. I guess he wants me to because he was talking about getting quick books if I wanted it. I told him I hadn’t used it and knew some about spread sheets probably just as easy to just study the spread sheets and brush up. He said yeah he thought it was better than the program and things so I am going to do that. I hope that they have other stuff that they need someone to do other than just the filing and spread sheet. Because if that really is all he hasn’t it won’t even be 5 hours a week probably. If I could go through a box of jumbled mess with three months worth of stuff in 3 hours weekly there won’t be hardly anything to file. Not sure what he needs done on the spread sheets but probably not a lot there either once you know what you are doing. I am one just go in get the job done not piss around. Like today I didn’t stop at all why I was there until there was nothing left to do and it was time to go home by then.

I heard him say that he was going out of town for a few days I am wondering if he will need someone in the office then or not. I guess we will see. After tomorrow I am good the kids will all be out of school and I can pick up and drop the kids off at daycare anytime they are open so I can go early if need be. I am supposed to go in Friday I ask him what time he said he didn’t care so I said about 9 he said yes. I have awards with the kid at school tomorrow and supposed to help out there and they get out at 1 so I figure I just go Friday when I can work however long he needs and give me time to study up on the spread sheets.

He was talking about Wanda and Father of the year and how what they did to the kids was wrong and how they are hurting the kids and things. He said what until they find out you are working here I can hear it now. Because him and his wife are the ones that Wanda started a bunch of crap between us back a few years ago. We are just seeing what happen and what was going on. I am sure they are not inacent in it and that they have said somethings. But I am not either and did say some things because of what I was told just like they only know what they were told.

{May 24, 2017}   Can’t Shake This Feeling

I never fell a sleep this morning until after 4 am, second night in a row I have laid here for over 6 or 8 hours not able to sleep. I over slept this morning the older kids were late for school. I got to work a little later than I expected to but a little earlier than I had told them I could start so that was good.

All this morning and even last night I just had this feeling I could not explain or shake, I think it is part of the reason I could’t sleep. Not really that something was wrong or anything like that just this odd feeling that I am not use to. Kind of a nerviness feeling but that wasn’t really it either. I was almost to the school to drop the older kids off and thinking about work and the way I was feeling and everything and it hit me. For whatever reason I was feeling very insecure. I don’t know why I worked in an office for 3 or 4 years right next to where I was going to work today, I know how to answer phones, copy, fax, data entry and all he wanted me to do was file. Not like it is rocket science to file papers. But I just felt overwhelmingly insecure,

I still don’t know why I felt that way, when I figured out how I felt I started thinking about how I never felt that way before when it comes to stuff. I thought of my friend saying the other night you just have to be confident in yourself and let it show. I thought why am I not confident? I always was before when I got in for a job interview or to work at a new job. I always walked in thinking I got this walked out with the job, I go to work feeling the same way I’m going in doing what I’m supposed to do and that’s, that no big deal. I never had any problems.

Then all the things Father of The Year use to say come flooding back, I’m this and that and like the rest and all the things he use to say and call me. I thought about how things went with him, how things happened with Wanda and RC. How they all were just here and walk away so easily and do the way they did, there must be something wrong with me. I tell myself that isn’t true but it is hard when you are told that crap over and over for years daily just about and then have this other shit all happen too. I keep telling myself I am the one still here, I am the one still holding everything together and fighting to make sure that the kids have what they need and I’m the one here doing whatever I can to bring money in even if it is only a few hours here and there. I tell myself they are the ones with the problem that they just intimidated because I am not happy and content just getting by and exciting, I want to live life and I go after what I want and don’t stop until I get it.  They are just happy sitting in their little corner going to work coming home or sitting all day while someone else goes to work and comes home only to do it all over again the next day. No thought of trying to have anything more or do better. I’m the bitch because I want more and want to have a life not just watch it pass me by.

That was a big part of the problem with me and Father of the Year, all he wanted to do was work and sit in front of the t.v. I wanted to go out spend time together do things, take the kids places. When it came time to make big decisions he was to scared to or just didn’t want to so instead of saying he didn’t want to or was scared to or didn’t want to put the work in to make it happen he agree to everything and then just do nothing or whatever he could to screw it up and make sure it didn’t happen.

I think with Wanda her thing was she really hadn’t changed at all and she was just looking for a free ride, she thought it be easy here just sitting with the kids and I would let her say and do nothing to have someone with the kids. Then she started talking to Father of the year and decided he be even better because he be 100% free ride. She wouldn’t have to work or do anything, she wouldn’t have to worry about getting her disability if she didn’t want to he get her anything everything she wanted and she could sit and do noting. She knows that if she could get him interested and she shows interest in him that once she had him he won’t go anywhere. He will stay with her until she leaves and then he will drive her crazy like he did me forever. She do whatever she wants and he isn’t going to go anywhere even if she sleeps with 10 different people every month. He just seen her as someone that will give him sex when he wants it.

RC, let his habit get the better of him and his true love. It’s funny because him and Father of The Year have told me so many times how sorry they were for what they done and how wrong it was. What they lost and how they screwed up. Father of The Year everyone knows wanted to get back together and was trying. RC wasn’t and still said it and Father of The Year has told me a few times I know we aren’t ever going to get back together but I am sorry and I did screw up and it eats me all the time I can’t move on blah blah.

After a little bit and thinking about what my friend said I was okay and went on to work with no problems and feeling a lot better than I had all night.

{May 24, 2017}   Work Tomorrow

I have to go work at my friends husbands shop tomorrow for a few hours after I drop the kids off at school and daycare. It is already 1 am and I am still wide awake sitting her talking to her about all the shit Wanda has done and did over the year and how she caused so many problems between me and her over the last few years. I still just can’t believe all this happen, in ways it still don’t seem real even though I know it is. Then at the same time I seems to real and mind blowing how people can be.

I am not sure what to expect when I go to the shop to work tomorrow. With all that has went on over the last few years and all that has went on the last few months. And just the way her husband is to start with, but I need the work and I need the money so I am going to go. He has been talking to me off and on the last few months when he was talking to Wanda she don’t know that because we were not talking like we are now or like we did before. He has always tried to talk to me even back when we were all friends and things. But I am not to worried about it because she knows me and knows that I don’t want her old man and he knows that if he don’t want me to out him and Wanda then he better just keep to himself I don’t think it will be bad. Just maybe a little awkward at first because we haven’t all hung out talked been friends in so long. When me and RC were together we all use to hang out a lot and after we split up I hung out with their family. I had known them before RC and they were the ones that help me when we were homeless and she was the one that was there when I had Little Bitty.

I want to be friends again with them, my kids loved their kids we were always together but after everything that has happened, I don’t want to get that close friend wise or anything again. It’s like we can talk you stay over there I stay over here, there be no more than talking no get together s no kids play dates nothing like that. We use to do everything together before. RC’s kids called her husband uncle my Little Guy use to call him Papa. Then all of a sudden they weren’t there no more all over lies I am finding out now. 4 years have passed things are so different. I feel like I need put my kids in a bubble and protect them from everyone I know that isn’t good either. I just don’t know it so hard to know who is just fucking around and who isn’t.


{May 23, 2017}   3 Miles To Empty

I picked all the kids up from school today and pulled in my driveway with 3 miles until empty. Today was last day for one of them and the older two have two more days left and their awards on Thursday as well. I told them they probably would not get to go the next two days because I have a dollar I found in the truck and that was it. One of them said that Big Boy had money in his bank could we use it? I told them I thought it was mostly pennies they said no he had mostly quarters and things. He said we could use it if I gave it back when I started working or what. I told him of course I would. We got home and he looked he had a $20 in there that he found months ago in the parking lot. I thought he had spent all his money he had like that. I have it to get gas to get everyone to school a few days now. Maybe a little to get where ever else we may need to go. I have to go work tomorrow and Friday I hope but probably won’t get paid from that since my water got paid. Maybe I will be able to make some money now and pay that back when I get to working full time, or get part of it in cash to get gas and a few things and put the rest to what I owe. They said they wanted to help and not to worry about it but I want to pay it back. I don’t want to hear from anyone how they had to do this or that for me and I didn’t pay it back or whatever. I always pay it back in some way.

I got a call about an hour ago, it was my friend J she said that her husband wanted to talk to me. He got on the phone and was asking me how much I needed for my rent and when I needed it by? I told him he said he gets paid Friday and that he will make sure it gets to me as soon as he gets paid so that I can pay the rent. Thank God that and the water is paid. Now I just have to worry about my car insurance and other little things like internet and things. Hopefully I get a call back from this women at McDonald’s and get that. I will take anything and work for my friends husband on the side if I can.

I still need to get my truck fixed it is like a $400 fix but my friend said he do it for cost of the part and $50 for his time. Then I have to get a 3rd tire because it keeps messing up the tire on that side I noticed yesterday the tire is starting to look bad again. It is also making some really bad sounds when I turn and things it shouldn’t make and hadn’t been making. I am going to talk to my friends husband at the shop see if he can get the parts cheaper and if he can order it when I have the money if he can.

There was something else that happen I was going to tell you all about but I have no clue what it was now. I guess I will be back later if I think of it.

{May 21, 2017}   Waiting For An Interview

I applied at McDonald’s the other day, it is a 6 am to 4 pm shift Monday through Friday. Tonight when we got back from the hospital I checked my email I had one asking when I could come in for an interview. Said they do them on Monday between 12-4. I told her I could come tomorrow between 1-2 if they had something. It said reply with a date and time. I wish I had seen it earlier because now I will probably have to wait until next Monday to get in. I really need to start right away.

I just pray that I do good at the interview and that I get it, I am not one to talk about myself or do good answering questions. It’s like just give me the job and let me prove to you I can do it, I’m not a talker, I’m a shower. I hate interviews. If I get it I have to figure out how to buy clothes so I can work. I pray the money we are waiting for comes in today I just don’t know if it is or not though.

I figured out if it is only minimum wage and full time I should have enough to cover my bills and have a little left over. I will have to buy house hold things but I should still have small amount left at the end of the moth. Then if I can get Father of The Year in and to start paying and get RC to start paying what he is supposed to then I should be fine and be able to do things with the kids and not need so much in loans from school. I am just not sure how it is going to work when school starts back with doing my practicum for school and things but I will have to make it work out. Everyone just please pray I get this and that I get in there tomorrow and find something out.

A friend said her husband would let me do some filing at his office and things a few hours a week but that will only be like money for gas and things needed at the house maybe enough to help pay on bills but not much really at all. But I am going to do both if I can that will give me a little extra each month as well.

{May 21, 2017}   Re: An ER Trip

We finally got out of the house and made it to the ER this afternoon, I went ahead and had my little one seen too since I was already there. I figured she was up crying in the night it just get worse by tonight, plus it would save me a trip to the doctor tomorrow. Its a good thing my oldest wanted to go today because they were both pretty bad. Oldest has white places and bloody spots all in her throat and mouth and Little Bitty they said has bulging ear drum. I do not understand these girls at all, Little Bitty never said her ears hurt anything was bothering her or nothing until the middle of the night when she woke up crying. My oldest said Friday evening she didn’t feel good and slept most all day yesterday. Then last night in the middle of the night said she thought she needed to go somewhere today and didn’t want to wait until Monday to go. Hers got worse very fast as well because she was not that bad yesterday or Friday evening. She even said it got bad last night.

We got there and had to wait a little bit before they took them back but it wasn’t horribly long maybe 20 or 30 minutes. The triage nurse did the strep test on her right away she looked so bad so we didn’t have to wait long for that. They gave oldest a shot of something why were there to help the swelling in the throat go down and sent her home with Amoxicillin 875 mg twice a day. Little bitty I have to pick up tomorrow because both places to get hers filled was closed by the time we got close to them after leaving the hospital.

I hope they are feeling better in the morning, I had some of what she was supposed to get here so I gave it to her to hold her over until tomorrow. I just have things to do tomorrow and I know they are going to want to go to school. I guess we will see how things go.

I tried to message him while I was at the er today to let him know I was there with her but I am still blocked. So I guess he will just find out when he comes back around.

It’s not even 1030 pm and I think everyone in my house is sleeping, I haven’t heard anything about of any of them in about 30 minutes. I a glad they all need the sleep, they all have school tomorrow. I am done for the day, I started with kids puking in the bathroom sink at like 4 am while the other rolled around and cried with her ear hurting, to be followed by hours long trip to the ER, a broken glass in the floor at one point, going to three stores to get medications filled and one kid without any until tomorrow, the toilet overflowing all over my bathroom when we got home and then milk being spilled in my floor tonight as I was trying to go to bed. I was just ready for them all to be in bed so that nothing else will happen hopefully. I have 5 minutes of peace before I decide to go to bed, but wouldn’t you know I am wide awake so who knows it may be more but that is okay too. I just had to share because it isn’t often that this happens. I know my girls are not feeling good so they of course went to bed early, I just told the boys it was bedtime but most the time they will stay up and talk until I get onto them a dozen times.

{May 21, 2017}   An ER Trip

Thought I was going to have to go to the ER last night Little Bitty was playing and sat down in the floor, when she did she screamed and started to cry. I thought she hit her back in the ottoman because she was close too it, I told her come let me see. She got up on my lap and laid her head on me I ran my hand down her back to rub it. When I did I felt wet all over my hand. I rubbed again as I was trying to get her up thinking she just had something on her back or my hand was wet, but knowing it wasn’t. Sure enough it was wet all over, I got her up and turned her around there was blood all over my hand and all over her back. I could’t even figure out where it was coming from. Then I seen a lump on her spine pop up and blood running from the bottom of it down her back. Big Boy panicked with the autism he don’t handle blood or anyone getting hurt well. It scares him he thinks they are going to die or something. It scared me the way it was bleeding and it was like dark red and just running like you turned the water on at the sink and the lump that came up so fast right on the spine. I never had one hurt their self like that before. I had them find me a rag and had my oldest get my phone look up the number for the doctor and call. I finally got the bleeding to stop but the lump was bigger. She got the doctor on the phone and I talked to her. She said as long as she was moving around okay her legs and things were fine and the bleeding has stopped to just watch her close the next 48 hours or so. If she started having any problems with her legs, back or hurting anything to take her in right away to be seen. I know the face, mouth, head and things like that bleed a lot and fast but I did not know the back would bleed like that and for it to be so dark red not like if you get cut somewhere else.

I am just happy she is okay and didn’t need to go, I figure at this point she will probably not need too, but still watching her to be sure. But we still have to go because my oldest was sick and in bed all day yesterday, last night she had blisters and things in her throat and last night she was puking. I told her we would go to the doctor tomorrow she is begging to go to the ER today. She says she feels really bad and like it is getting worse and that she thinks she needs to be seen today. So we are all getting ready to go take her today. I will probably go ahead and get Little Bitty seen as well because when Big Girl was up puking she got up crying with her ear hurting and needed something for it to help her go back to sleep because all she did was roll around and cry after that. They are all getting ready to go so we can all 5 go sit in the hospital and be exposed to whatever everyone comes in with and probably catch it too. Then they can all be sick not just the two. Since I have no one to call to watch the other two or three why we go. I am not even sure I would take Little Bitty with me if I had someone to watch them and take her tomorrow to not expose her to even more. Been keeping them all a way from each other at home to keep them all from getting it. Normally I just call father of the year and have him come watch the ones that didn’t need to go but I can’t even get a hold of him to tell him that she is sick enough to want to go to the ER much less have him watch the others. He want to bring her with him and that isn’t going to happen either so. For her to ask to go to the ER you know she is sick because she never even wants to go to the doctor most the time. She ends up going because I take the rest and she is there.

I guess I should get a shower and get out of here so that maybe we won’t spend the day there waiting to be seen. But who knows it’s Sunday and there aren’t any doctors open so we may be there awhile today as well. I really hope not I don’t feel good either and just want to be at home.

et cetera
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