I don’t know why I am having such mixed emotions. I feel like one minute I am pissed off in a rage, the next I don’t know what I feel numb maybe, then I am fighting to not just bust out crying. I think I am feeling sorry for myself and having a pity party, but that isn’t how it feels. I did not think I would still be bothered so much by this at this point. Most the time I just be mad for the day then move on. But I can’t seem to move on from this, I just don’t understand why. I think a lot is because everyone keeps talking about it, I’m worried about it because I have to figure out what to do for the summer now so I can go to work. How to get everything paid because he just wrote me a note to turn in to some places saying he was going to pay me every week now and things. That is cutting any help I get down about $200 now. I just don’t know what to do, I have to fix all that if I can. I have to go to all these places and get things taken care of.
I hate this feeling I am so mad at her about all this. I feel so betrayed and violated her knowing so much and now with him telling him everything. I feel like anything and everything in my head has been dumped in the street for everyone to see that I have nothing that is personal anymore. I feel like I don’t want to talk to anyone or tell anyone anything again. I feel so isolated and alone, and that I can’t trust anyone again. I can’t even explain it, it’s so confusing to me even. I feel angry at her at the same time I feel like i don’t even care about her anymore and it seems like how can I feel both or nothing at all. But I guess because I truly don’t care about her anymore, I could walk past her laying on the street an not think twice about her or offer to help. I still feel angry at her for what she did and being used.
My Big Boy keeps asking me mommy what’s wrong? Mommy why are you crying? I told him I wasn’t I was okay. He says but you look like your about to cry, I love you mommy. I know he does but I don’t feel loved by anyone, I don’t feel I matter to anyone, I don’t feel anyone cares. I just wish I could get over these feelings and go on with life. I want to go to the court house or child support and get this ball rolling but I had my test today and they are here now putting in my new door. Tomorrow I have two test and then therapy. I was thinking about not going back to therapy but I think maybe I should. Wednesday is half day at the school so I will not have time to get everything done I need to get done down there between the drive time there and back and the time I drop the kids off and pick them up. Thursday we have therapy and I have to be at the kids school all day. I guess I get to have another shitty Friday and deal with all this shit. I should know by then if he is going to show up and bring money this week or not. It don’t really matter if he does or not I am still going to go and have them take it right from his check and look at it to raise it to what he should have been paying all along. The only thing with that is it will cut everything else even lower but that is okay even if I just break even he will be doing his part and paying up. He won’t have all that extra money to blow on his whore.
I would love to take the kids drop them off and tell him it is his turn for a while and see how that goes over. He has no control over them and they will not listen to her after everything she has done. She will be losing her mind. See how long it is before she is leaving or he is bringing them back saying he can’t handle it.
I must get off here and finish my paper for school I just took my final in the class this morning I should have had it in last Monday and din’t. The teacher is cool and didn’t mind, I have just been so aggravated with everything, I almost don’t care about school anymore but I just keep telling myself it’s my way out just 12 more classes to go.