I am finally done with school for this term, it is really bothering me that I can’t sign up and take classes this Summer. I need to take those classes and I need to get this degree done. I just want to say forget it and just figure out how to go ahead and move but I really want to finish it just because I know I can and I can use it if I do, I hope. I took two test back to back today to get them done and over with and because I didn’t have any other days to take them with everything else I have to do.
I have therapy today I don’t know if I can make it through without crying, I haven’t made it through this morning without crying. I came home from taking my test and walked the dog. We both retreated to my room to be lazy and I to check some things on line. It just hit me and I started to cry. My stomach has been messed up for days I am not sure if it is the stress or something else. I still just feel crazy. I feel like this big chunk has been ripped from my heart. I feel so betrayed, I feel I can’t trust anyone anymore. I feel like everything I have ever thought, said, done or am planing is all just out there for everyone to know. I feel like I have nothing that is personal to me anymore. I feel like why even start over and try to have anything again when this is the shit that happens.
I think the only other time I felt close to this bad about something happening was when RC pulled all the shit he did and left. It was because I was close to him and trusted him and let him into mine and my kids life in a way that I had not let anyone else as well. Then he up and done what he did. It is not secret that I am not close to anyone really, I don’t have that mother daughter relationship like a lot of women have with their mothers, I never have not even growing up. I do not have that close of a bond or relationship with my sister either. She was 10 years younger than I and now she is married to her husband that is pretty controlling. We just don’t have that kind of relationship. Even most of my friends I do not get extremely close to. We will be close we appear to be close but I always have a wall up, I always watch what I say and what I tell them and things. I am not as open and as sharing with them as they may think. With RC that was different he was my partner he was my other half, I didn’t just love him I was in love with him. I felt so different around him. I felt like I could just talk to him and open up to him and not think twice about it. With Wanda we just became friends we were a lot a like it was like talking to my self at times. We didn’t judge we just talked and goofed around and had fun. She was like the sister I didn’t have. For them both to just end so abruptly and unexpectedly has really effected me. I never expected. I am the it’s over move on nothing you can really do about it, it’s their chose. I can’t be that way in these situations. I have tried and it isn’t working.
Now it is pouring here the room is almost black as night because it has gotten so dark out. I really need to get up and get somethings done and all i really want to do is sleep until I have to leave for therapy and I am hoping that the rain stops by the time I have to leave and get there. I really don’t feel like walking in this to get back and forth to my car to go and to get in. If I do I will be soaked and need to change clothes. I don’t think an umbrella would even help as hard as it is right now. I think I will just take a nap and hope it goes away before I have to leave.