Why is it one major blow can bring up the worst of the worst times you have been through? Every since this happen Friday everything from the past keeps running through my mind like it is on a replay loop. I have to say in 36 years I have been through some shit, but things I consider the worst of the worst thank God I can say are few but they are not far between. Not far enough for me anyway. Even though there are only a few they just go over and over in my head and I wonder what I could have done different or what I did so wrong for it to have happened.

I go back and forth between RC leaving, being a single parent, my dad passing, and them pulling the shit they did. It probably sounds petty and don’t seem like that much but these are the few things that have happened that have had profound impacts on my life like nothing else ever has. All the what if’s play over and over as well. I try not to think about it but I can’t help it. Poor Big Boy keeps asking me mommy what’s wrong? Mommy why do you look so sad? Mommy why are you crying? I just keep saying I’m fine, I’m just tired, I’m not, I’m okay, I love you, don’t worry about it.

It’s 2 am and I am sitting here wide awake thinking about everything and listening to music something else that just makes things worse but it’s something.


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