{May 14, 2017}   A Message

I have looked on my oldest account a few times to see if Father of the Year posted anything about moving or anything like that. I just look from my phone and go on. I would rather have him served at home than at his job, I know it should’t matter but I don’t like doing things at peoples jobs and don’t need him to lose his job.

Today I was sitting here at my computer and logged in to look figuring it is the weekend and he is off today maybe he say something about moving in a new place or something. I see she has a new messaged so I just pulled it down to see who it was from and see my mom had messaged her then there was one under that. I pulled it down a little more and see it was Father of the Year on May 6th. He says I love you kids, tell the other kids I love them and I hope to see you kids soon. It struck me as funny the way it was worded, that isn’t it word for word because the way he said it I can’t even remember it was so off. My oldest says oh okay tell him I love him too I guess. I said that’s all? She said yeah I don’t really feel anything about what he is doing.

I tell Big Boy he says oh I love him too, I miss daddy. He has told me and the therapist two days a week when we go since he left how he feels ab-banded, left, angry, sad, and a ton of other things. I said you don’t want to write him the letter you say you want to write since he will get it on here? No that’s all.

I tell my Big Guy he wrote her and what he said, he says I love him too I tell him he is the best daddy I ever had. This is the one with full blown panic and anxiety attacks over all this.

Maybe its wrong of me but I don’t tell him shit, I marked it as unread and logged out. They are free to log on and talk to him tell him whatever they want to tell him.

I am trying so very hard not to be mad or upset about it but I am. I don’t know what I am more mad and upset about, them acting as if he did nothing and we weren’t just sitting here trying to figure out how to keep the lights on and how to get food for the week. I don’t know if I am more mad at the fact that we talk all the time about not letting people treat you any way they want and say nothing about and put up with it. That it don’t matter if it is friend or related people don’t treat you any way they want and you are just say nothing. Just like the kids who put his hands on my oldest and she said and did nothing, it is no different your not a door mat, your not a punching bag, your feelings matter, your wants, needs, dreams matter. You are not here to make anyone happy but your self and your children if you have them and that isn’t even going to be an all the time thing. Once you are happy then everyone else should be happy for you.

I’m mad that he walks around and does this and acts like he can do whatever he wants to whoever he wants and no one says nothing to him at all. Everyone tells him how happy they are for him he found someone, everyone tells him how he should be happy. No one knows the truth no one knows what went down, no one knows how he treats his kids no one knows he don’t support his kids half the time, no one knows they sit here doing without worried if there is going to be lights tomorrow or food on the table this week. No one knows that they do because he skips paying for weeks or months at a time so I am spending my money to pay everything until it’s gone way sooner than it should be. Although he skips weeks and months at a time he pays it back a couple dollars here and a couple dollars there so we don’t do anything but almost float and can never get our money back in savings and have everything paid up on time in full. It pisses me off no one says anything to him and lets him walk around like he is the best father in the world and was the best husband and I’m just the bitch that left him and screwed him. For that matter I did not screw him in anyway, I gave him the house moved out of it and gave it to him and he lost that. I don’t say anything why he pays support on half what he is making to help him out and he can’t even pay that and screws everyone over in the end there too.

I am just pissed off that the kids say nothing. I am trying so very hard to not be mad at them and trying so hard to just have a good mothers day but after seeing that hearing that and everything else it is hard. I sat here and cried, yes the one who doesn’t cry according to everyone else. I know they are kids I know they do not understand I know that is their dad. If they had not said anything about anything that was going on and the one wasn’t having full blown anxiety over it all and they really didn’t have anything to say or feel anyway or the other would be one thing. But when they sit here tell me how mad they are and how hurt they are and upset they are and how him and Wanda done them but then say nothing he just says hey its me after weeks of blowing you off moving not giving you my address, changing my number and everything I’m back nothing happen.

I’m really not mad at them I am just pissed off the way he does. I am pissed off he just walks around does whatever the fuck he wants in life can have a life and pretends to be daddy when and if it fits his time. While I sit here busting my ass to make sure my kids have everything they need, get to do clubs and things and can’t ever have a few minutes just to catch my breath and if i ask or want to do something I’m told how its not right or how I should be with my kids. I am just tired and maybe I am wrong for feeling any of this and maybe its all me like everyone says I don’t know. I am just so done and so ready to throw in the towel and say forget it all. I want to be happy for a change not just happy we are barely surviving but truly happy and not have a worry in the world. I feel bad for saying that because I love my kids and would do anything for them. But like I said I am tired. I don’t need to dump my kids on someone else to be happy, I could be happy with my kids really. I am happy with my kids. I am just not happy about the way things are. If the court order was followed as it is supposed to be then I could be happy with life not just happy with my kid. I could be happy because I would have my part of things covered, I would know that their dad was stepping up to the plate and being daddy making sure he paid his part to make sure they had the things they needed and wanted. He would step up to the plate and take them on his weekends and I would have that chance to breath.

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