I have hardly been around the last few days because we have had so much going on. Since Tuesday we have had daycare play and awards, kindergarten graduation and field trips.  By the time I get home I am so tired all I want to do is fall into my bed and I can’t. I have to make sure everyone eats, has clothes for the next day and the dog gets fed and walked before I go to my room for the night. My body hurts from head to toe right now. I would love nothing more than a nice long full body massage. But we all know that will not be happening.

Monday night Little Bitty comes home with a slip of pepper that says I will be in a play tomorrow night when the vpk kids have their graduation. Surprised to say the least, trilled not at all, I love going to things like this with the kids and for the kids, I do not love getting informed of them last minute. Of course I went I wouldn’t miss it for anything. Little Bitty played a duck in the play they sang a few songs done a verse or two and then they all received their awards. She got her promotion to vpk award and I can not remember for the life of me what other award (I know horrible Mommy) I think something to do with being good or a good friend or something. I will have to get it out of the truck and see. I am not dressed it will have to wait, but she received 2. I was proud of her, she was standing by her best friend the older kids, teachers, grandson. They were so cute standing up there together.

Thursday night Big Guy had kindergarten graduation and reception after words. That was last day of therapy in the office for Big Boy and we didn’t get done with that until 4. I was going to pick the kids up at 530 and go help set up the reception, but they called me right before 5 and told me that Big Guy was sick. They said that he slept the two hours he been in daycare and that when he got up he was stumbling and fell down. I told her I would be right there. I picked him up brought him home and he was saying his tummy hurt and he was bent over in pain and hardly able to walk. I got him to rest a little bit but he wanted to go to his play and graduation. I told him I thought maybe we should stay home and see how he did we may need to go to the doctor and get checked out. He said he wanted to try and get ready to go. I told him if he was able to get ready and go then we would but if he got worse we would have to leave. By the time he got there he was like a different kid, I don’t know what was wrong with him he said his side hurt and his tummy. Thank goodness he made it through everything came home and passed right back out. He had his field trip today and he was fine and went on it with no problems. I am hoping it is nothing to bad just a fluke.

Today the bigger kids had their field trip as well, I got to go with them as their school paid for me and them to go. I feel horrible I missed out on Big Guys trip but I had to drive my own car, pay gas, tolls, and my way to go and I can’t drive my truck the way it is and I had no money for gas or tolls. But he had a blast he got to ride the roller coasters and things like that. I would not have been able to get on them and if I hadn’t gotten on he probably wouldn’t have either. I am glad he did and had fun and my fear didn’t hold him back from going and trying something new. It was so hot I probably would have been sick as well and I would have had to leave a lot earlier than they did to be back in time for the other three kids. I can not wait to have him over here with the big kids so that they will all go on trips together and I can be there for them all more.

I am just so happy it is Friday and hope that I can go to sleep here really soon and sleep in tomorrow. I hope the little ones sleep in but I am not sure as one has been out for a few hours now. The last few weekends though she hasn’t been one to get up to early so maybe I will get lucky tomorrow as well. I am going to go take my medication and go to bed. I can hardly hold me eyes open right now, I want to take advantage of it because if I don’t I will be wide awake in a few minutes.

{May 18, 2017}   Still Makes No Since

I am still able to get on line come here apply for most jobs and do other things. But I can not get to my school site and I can’t get to the clerk of court site. Two sites I need to get on the most right now next to applying for jobs. I am down to $13 to last me until who knows when. I am really starting to worry and panic because I have never had this little. I need a few things around the house and I need it for gas for the truck. I don’t know what to do. I have no idea who to borrow from because I don’t know anyone to borrow any from. If I keep borrowing I am going to owe all I do get in the next week or to back to everyone. At this point I truly have no idea what we are going to do. I am trying not to borrow as well because I am going to need to borrow enough to pay the rent if the money don’t come that’s $125. He sits where ever he is buying things and blowing his money why I have spent all my money to keep things a float this long and he has no care in the world. I blocked Wanda last night as well so if he wants to get a hold of me he will have to do it himself. I am not going through someone that has nothing to do with this.

I am so close to giving up it isn’t even funny at this point. I want to message him tell him if he don’t come and pick his kids up tomorrow I will be bringing them to his job and dropping them off to him. of curse he will say he has no room for them in his truck and shit because he has it full of I don’t know what since he didn’t take any of his but it looked like a rolling dumpster when I seen it last. I bet he would drive away and leave them is what he would probably do he is that kind of an as hole. I have my meeting at legal aid to day more gas I don’t have to spend and time to run down there. I really don’t think they are going to help me they were so rude and didn’t seem interested when I was there last week. I don’t even have the gas to go turn them in at this point. I don’t know what I am going to do I really don’t.

How do you just walk away from your kids and not care what they have or don’t have and know that you left them in the worse way you could. How can you walk around with all that money in your pocket and not care what happens to them or that they want to see you or anything. I started to tell him about Little Guys kinder Graduation tonight but I didn’t he didn’t ask and I wasn’t dealing with him showing up there with her. If he was around and cared he would make it a point to know what is going on and show up and be at things for them and leave her out of it.

But who knows what he does, the internet or any of it don’t make no since to me.

{May 17, 2017}   Don’t Care

I’m sitting here eating and watching tv with the kids and see I have a message from Wanda, saying Father of the Year wanted to know what I wanted? I told her that he needed to get a hold of me I was not going to play this go between game and have to go through her to talk to him when ever I needed something that it had nothing to do with her. I told her to tell him he needed to call me. She said he could call me from her facebook. I said why can’t he just call me? She said he didn’t have a phone I told her he did he was on line enough. Why couldn’t he call me from his why did it need to go through her? About that time my phone started ringing it was her and I answered it expecting it to be her but it wasn’t it was him.

What did you want you left a message at my job? I said yeah I did what do you mean what do I want? I said I want to know why you have not given me a address and phone number like you were supposed to do with in 24 hours? Why have you not given it to the courts with in 7 days like your supposed to? I don’t have a phone I haven’t had money to get one and I don’t have a place yet he says. I said your staying somewhere and where every your staying your supposed to give. I don’t want you hurassing me where I am. I said I am not trying to bother you were you are but I have no way of getting a hold of you if something happens to one of these kids and I will not be contacting her going between her to let you know if something is wrong or if something happens. Well I don’t have a phone I guess you can get a hold of me on here. I said no I can’t you have me blocked and you know it. He said I don’t know I will have to look at it later and see about getting that undone. I said and when are you going to give me what you owe me for the kids they need stuff? I will have to see I don’t have money that’s why I don’t have a phone and things now. I said you have close to three grand why don’t you have money and a phone? I have had to buy stuff and things he said. I said well the kids need things too and you owe them. Well I will give it to you when I can. I said I need to know when you are going to give me something. Then he starts yelling at me to just take him to child support enforcement and things. I said so basically what you are saying is you do not care if I can get a hold of you if something was to happen to one of the kids. You do not care that they are sitting here doing without things and need things and may be homeless yet again because of you? He started yelling having a fit and hung up on me.

I said to him you had a grand when you left and you had two checks then you should have no problem giving me the little bit you owe the kids. Not like I am even asking for anything more than what he owes me and things. That is when he started about he had to buy things and pay things. If you have no place to live the only bill you have is your car insurance and food how do you go through almost a grand a week? I was going to tell him too how he has effected my Little Guy and other things as well but he hung up to fast. I also told him if I had to take this back to court I was not going to go to child support I was going to take it to court file contempt on him for not giving me the information, the court the information and everything else. Fine I don’t care do whatever you have to do.

He also asked me about filing his taxes and getting that money back and taking that to cover what he owes me. I told him it would take to long to get that back I needed the money before it would get here. Well I don’t know I will see what I can do then. That is when I asked him when he was going to let me know I needed to know now not in weeks from now? That is when he told me to take it to child support and do what I needed to do. I asked him about their birth certificates and things he swears he don’t have them. I told him I was making a police report and listing them as the only two people who had been in my house so if they got used it would come back on them. I don’t care go ahead they are probably in your truck why don’t you go look there? I said I did and all over the place and the last place I had them was where they are kept and no one been in my house or knows that but you two. I have to look around here a little more but I really do not think they are here and if they are not then I know that he has to have them.

{May 17, 2017}   Long Talk With Great Granda

Today I dropped the kids off at school and ran to the bank for my mom I was going to run to the library and then go by to talk to her. The next thing I knew I was pulling up at her house. Something just kept saying go now, go now, thinking about everything I passed the library and everything. I went ahead and went up her door was closed I was worried she wouldn’t be home or would still be sleeping. I rang her bell and was waiting the lady next to her always comes out when she hears someone come over there. She said knock loud I said I rang the bell want to give her time to get to the door and don’t want to wake her up if she hasn’t gotten up. She said no she is up she was earlier just knock. I did and a lady answered the door, I ask for her she told me to come in and she came walking out of the tv room. She was happy to see me we went in and sat in the living room, she was telling me how excited she was to see me and asking how the kids were and everything. I told her how the kids were moving up at school we were on the last 2 weeks and everything. we talked for a little bit.

Then I told her I come by to see her but I also come by to see if she knew how to get a hold of Father of the Year. She said I think that we would have to go through the family to do or would be best to go through the family to do. I said well they have been called they do not answer and they don’t call back. I told her everything that had happen, how he left and refuses to pay me, how he told me he wasn’t giving me no more money, that he called the police on me wouldn’t even talk to him kids, left everything he owned, changed his phone number, blocked me and everything else. She was shocked and didn’t know what to say. She said his mom was gone up north with his brother and his family and that his dad was taking care of his own things but that she was going to get a hold of him and that hopefully he would do what was right and get a hold of him and get him to do what was right or at least on his side do what was right. She said I can’t make him and I don’t know what he will do and he has done somethings I do not approve of or think is right over the years but all I can do is get a hold of him and hope for the best and hope that the family will stand behind you and support you and make sure the kids have what they need and thing. She said I don’t know how that will be or happy but I am going to get right on this and see if I can’t get something to happen.

She said a few times she was willing to do whatever she could and be the go between with his parents and things. She said I know his dad has never treated you the nicest or treated you right. She said it has always bothered me and I have said something to him about it many times but it never mattered. I said no he hasn’t and I said that’s one reason I never came to the family or brought it up to the family that there was a problem or problems I figured what was the point they didn’t care for me anyway. I said but now it has come to a point that I just need to get a hold of him and ask him to give me what he owes for his kids and to pay his part every month like he is supposed to. I said and I can’t talk to him or get a hold of him so I am asking that someone talk to him and see if they can figure out what is going on with him and where he is coming from. I said I know he tells everyone he pays me and gives me all this money and he see’s the kids and does things with them or leads them to believe it but he don’t. I told her how he told my mom he was paying me and couldn’t pay her and he was telling me he was paying things there and couldn’t pay me. That he has nothing to show for his money and no one knows what he is really doing with it how he started screaming at me he wasn’t on drugs but many people had been asking me if he was. I told her how he has never taken the kids for an over night or out of my house to do anything other than to run to the store to grab something that he may come over a few times a month and see them for a few hours or the day and that was it. She was shocked. She kept saying I am so glad that you came and told me what is going on and what has been going on and this isn’t right and the family is going to stand behind you and support you and do what we can I hope I can get his dad to listen and do what is right here. I said I think he is hoping that I end up homeless so that he can then take the kids from me. Before I could say anything else she said he can’t do that he can’t handle taking care of them!! I said I know and he has told me that out of his own mouth but that is why it took me years to get the divorce because he had money for a lawyer and he till me if I went to file and get it done he was going to get a lawyer and he was going to take the kids from me and things. I told her how we talked before about him getting tested or evaluated because something wasn’t right and how he say yes he knew but then 5 minutes later turn around and scream at me he was fine it was me and how me and the kids were tired of the abuse and walking around on eggshells all the time never knowing when he was going to blow up again or over what little thing next. I told her how every house we have ever lived in has holes in the walls from him, how my house now has holes in the walls and the bathroom sink broken in two places and how I can’t even call the people over here to do repairs that need to be done because if they see it I will be thrown out in the street for tearing the place up. But that I do not have money to fix it.

She said you have some really good kids, they are good in school, they are happy, well mannered, well rounded kids. She said someone has done a good job with them and she said I have to say I think it is because of you not him. She said I will back you in any court filings or anything like that you have to do and I hope that the family will as well. She said his mom is very upset over it all and how the relationship is and things. She said you all are the only family she has close anymore the kids and she don’t get to see them. I said I am not keeping them from any of you at all. I said I tell him all the time why don’t you take the kids to see your mom and dad? Why don’t you take them over to see your grandma? I said every time I do he says his mom and dad are busy or away and that you have company or went away. I said or he has no money when he is making good money he should have no problem with gas to come see any of you all. I said I think he don’t want me and the kids around either one of you all because he is worried what he is really doing is doing to come out or what he isn’t doing I should say will come out that they hardly see daddy he is behind and hardly pays he never does anything or takes them. Or that I am going to tell the truth and how it really is. I said I really think that is it. I didn’t think I should have told her that even when we are together or have parties and things for the kids I tell him to invite them all but he never does and says oh I didn’t get a chance or forgot when he knows week in advance. Like she said because of the way his dad has always treated me I do not call and speak to them or talk to them about things. Because I figure he don’t care anyway, I am sure he is happy to have me out of the picture and don’t figure he will even care when it comes to all this. I told her I knew that Father of the Year had borrowed money from his dad a few times to help us out here and there and that I gave it to him to give back to him and he didn’t he take it spend it or whatever when I asked he wouldn’t have it and hadn’t given it back. I said I borrowed money my self one time from them and I took it cash in hand to his mom to return it myself because she is the one that came with me and gave it to me and his dad and mom both said not to worry about it, it was a gift for our new house use it for that. I said but the other money came from his dad and I did not borrow it but I always made she he had it to give back and he didn’t and the way he his dad treated me I stop going around them both long before we split up. She said I don’t blame you and I understand, I don’t know why he has been that way toward you.

I don’t know if she got a hold of his dad or not and I don’t know what he said. She asked me for my phone number again and said she was going to be calling him right away to try and see what could be and needed to be done about this. She asked what he paid and what he was behind and things like that. When I needed the money by and things. I told her I just put a few dollars in gas and would be putting the last I had in gas tomorrow or the next day and I would have no more money for anything after that. She said okay and that she would get back in touch with me very soon and things. I don’t know if she will or not but maybe one of them can talk to him and talk some since in to him or he will feel a some kind of something for them having to get involved if they do and do what he needs to. I don’t care at this point why he pays as long as he pays. I told her I should have money put away but I don’t because as soon as he knows I have any he stops paying until he knows I have none. How he use to make me take every dime I had to pay the bills and then I would have to ask him for even a dollar if I needed it and things. She was not happy she said I believe you, I believe everything you are telling me and something is not right with this and it is wrong he was no raised like this.

I do not expect anything but if they do come through and help or get him to that will be a life saver and at this time whatever little bit helps.

{May 16, 2017}   Confused

Hello all not sure how long it will last but for some odd reason my internet is half working. The two computers are partly on line the tv is not and the phones will not connect. Nothing is hardwired in everything runs off of wifi. The kids have been watching youtube all after noon since they got home so I thought maybe it was still on. We tried the tv can’t do anything I tried my phone it won’t hook up. I came in my room tried my computer I can get on some sites and others I can’t. I can’t get to the school site to get information that I need and I can’t get to my mail. I can get on here facebook and youtube and one or two other sites. I am not sure how that is or how long it will last. I need to get on the school site to get information and turn in and I can’t. I am trying to find somewhere to borrow the money to pay it and get gas until the other money I am waiting for comes in. Praying it comes in before the first so I can pay rent and the bills that needs paid.

My oldest wants to send her dad a message on facebook since that is the only way to get a hold of him tell him they need the money that he owes them. I figure he will just block her say it is me trying to talk  to him or what. I told her she could but not to be surprised if that is what he does. I guess we will see. I don’t know if she is going to or not.

I got to get off here Little Bitty has a play at the school tonight that they did not tell use about until last night. Got to get her bathed and ready she has dinner all over her. If I can get back on tonight still I will probably be back, if not it may be a little while.

{May 15, 2017}   Not Sure When

I will be back on my internet is going to go off after today if I do not come up with the money to pay it with in the next few hours. That is really going to suck because we won’t have tv or anything at that point. I was on a program getting a special rate and will probably lose that as well. I have money coming but I don’t know when it is going to be here that really sucks. I am going to have to try and call about it tomorrow. I hate to keep asking but it been a month or more now.

I may get to check in later today before it goes off if not I will be around when I can get it back on again.

{May 15, 2017}   Time For Bed

I should be filling out papers to take to the courthouse tomorrow but I am not going until the after noon so I will do them in the morning. I am going to start my medication back tonight. I don’t know why I picked tonight it just seems like the time to do it. I was sitting here thinking about doing these papers and eating something but then I started to feel tired. I had the thought I should do them in the morning so I don’t mess anything up and not notice. I also then had the thought that it is probably still early enough I should go ahead and start my meds back. I have been able to tell for a while that I need too I just haven’t done it but I have to sometime it should probably be now. Then maybe I will get better about it again. With it getting dark later will help with it some too maybe. I don’t know guess we will see. I just hope that I can file everything tomorrow. I have to make a list before I go to bed of everything I have to make sure I have with me in order to do it like his address to his job.

{May 14, 2017}   Your Not A Man Or A Daddy

You call yourself a “man” and a “daddy” but you are far from either one. You are a selfish coward. No man or daddy is going to disappear, not telling anyone you are living or change your number so that no one can get a hold of you not even if there was an emergency. A man does not leave owing his children months of child support and needing things all to be with some whore, I would same women but that isn’t fitting because that she is not. But I should not be surprised because she didn’t even raise her own three kids, she dumped them with whatever guy would claim them because she didn’t know who the fathers were and still don’t. She was never there for hers and now your going to tag along with her and do the same to yours. While everyone tells you how happy they are for you and what you deserve and all that why don’t you tell them how you make close to a grand a week and your kids don’t see a dime. Why don’t you tell them how you have never walked out of my house with them for a day much less a weekend like your supposed to have them in years. Why don’t you tell them how the one time you seen your kids since you left they sat in the truck calling you daddy, daddy wanting you to walk over and talk to them and you hid and called the police all because I came to ask you for the money you owed your children so they could have food on the table and lights for another month. Tell them how when I left there and had to stop at my grandmas house she paid the light bill so your children would have lights and their grandma bought food for them. Before anyone starts talking about me tell them how I had $4000 in the bank and money to cover my bills until I had to use it all to pick up the slack from you not paying. Tell everyone how your son has done so good with his separation and abandonment anxiety for the last year and now goes into full blown anxiety attacks. Something no six year old should have to deal with at this age over someone who calls their self a daddy or man. But wait you wouldn’t know how he has been doing with any of it because they are lucky to see you for more than an hour or two a month. They have end of year field trips, awards and kindergarten graduation all the next two weeks but you don’t care. Your to busy drinking and drugging it up (yes your catch told me about your habit) and everyone in town knows what you say about me, But you know what that is okay if they want to believe your lies over the truth when they have no clue what is going on so be it no lose to me. All I have to say is it’s funny if I am all that you say I am and have people bleiving that I am then how come I am the only one that is here 24/7 365 days a year, why does the doctor probably not even know who you are, why has their therapist not seen you in years, why has the only time the school seen you is when you want to make a show at the older kids school and act like you care. They are all sitting back laughing at you because they know they never see you and how un involved you are. The little kids school said who oh yeas he was here once with them for something. You just keep snowing all who never see you and have no real idea of what is going on in your life but for the ones that are hear everyday and see every day what is going on and the ones that have been here from the start all know the truth. While you say your craigslist meet up was a one time thing I know it wasn’t. Did you forget the time in Palm Bay when Big Guy was a baby and you used someone else work computer and left your email pulled up and signed in. Well yeah it was all right there where you were talking to them had met up with them and was making plans to again and to meet up with different ones as well. Everyone knows how your going through $100 to $250 a day hookers and drugs aren’t cheap. To anyone that has read this far you know what I do not normally post things like this and put it all out there for all to see, but I am so tired of how he just walks away from his kids for weeks at a time only to call and text once in a while and how he makes himself out to be such a wonderful loving caring daddy who does so much for kids and takes care of them so well because that is the farthest thing from the truth and has been pretty much always been. There is so much more i could tell because people don’t see what goes on behind closed doors. This is just a little tiny tiny glimpse of what really goes on and what kind of dad and man he really is.

{May 14, 2017}   Scrapping Change

I just say here and counted up all the change I had collected in the cup holders and the big cup in my room, to see how much gas money I have for the week. I came up with $18 worth but it is all in change. I am sure the people at the store are not going to want to see me coming and I really don’t want to go in there to use it but I got to get gas. I could take it to a counter but it takes so much of it it’s really not worth it. I think I will go late tonight when there isn’t anyone in there or shouldn’t be anyone in there. It is embarrassing to have to do. I don’t know what else to do at this point. It make me sick knowing that he is walking around with two or three grand in his pocket not a care in the world and to sorry to give his kids what he owes them. But is okay karma is going to come around and smack him in the face and he isn’t going to like it. He is going to have to pay me more than what he is now and be putting money out of pocket for other unexpected experiences.

I am going to the court house tomorrow to file all the paperwork to up what he his paying, in hopes that it will get his 20 days started between now and Friday. Then I am going to go back on the 1st or 2nd and file to have his license suspended and to get him to pay what he owes that is behind.

{May 14, 2017}   Happy Mothers Day 2017

The cake the kids baked and decorated for me today. My oldest baked it and the others told her what to put on it. My Big Guy wanted the letters to spell happy mothers day and of course Little Bitty wanted sprinkles. I bought the big thing with 4 different ones in it and let them have their fun.

They also gave me the gifts they made me at school and the one they bought me. 

The two little cups on the flowers are what the older kids made at school, face scrubs and the little cup to mix it in. The plant is what they all bought with their money.






















My Big Guy made me this poem with his hand print on it 

Little Bitty did an all about mommy page and a hand print flowers in a pot.


















































The big kids also made me cards

et cetera
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