{September 23, 2017}   Feeling Anxious and Overwhelmed

I have so much going on but then I have this one thing in the back of my mind I have to take care of the next week. It involves having people in my home and going through my house a property inspection kind of thing. I have nothing to hide but I hate people in my private space and going through my stuff or what. I am not sure how to handle it. My house is turned upside down, right now from leaving for the storm trying to go through things and get rid of stuff and things just getting set to the side until I have time to handle them and I haven’t. Both my fish tanks are like half empty right now and have been for a while because I just haven’t had time to mess with them or because I have not felt like messing with them because of all that is going on. I just don’t know what to do. I want to get things picked up and ready but the more I try to clean up the worse the mess seems to get and I give up and it sits. I am not even worried about the clutter everywhere as I just don’t want people in my house and walking around looking at things taking pictures and things. If the house was empty I wouldn’t want them too. I just feel it is my stuff stay out of it.

Is that weird or strange that I don’t want them in my house? If it is friends or something like that I don’t care but I have to be in the right mood even for them. But strangers that I don’t know I don’t want bothering me. I have to take time out of my busy day to be here to let them in and show them around and everything. I just don’t want to deal with them. I am thinking about calling back Monday and seeing if there is a different way to handle it. I can no believe it is stressing me out and bothering me this much. It makes it hard to think about other stuff do my school work or anything.

{September 21, 2017}   My Anxiety is Good

I had notice with stopping the medication and everything going on my anxiety has been high. My little Guy has had dental work done three times in the last few months. I think I told you all poor things teeth are messed up from acid re flux. Well the office is on the 3rd floor and we have been there 5 times during this with getting him set up and turning things in. They always ask to take the elevator and I can’t make myself get in it, we walk up and down the stairs all three floors. Yesterday when we went he ask to get in the elevator and we did. Didn’t have to think about it just done it. I don’t know what it is but when my anxiety is high I can’t get in one I will go into panic attacks. I don’t really like them in general but I will use them vs. walking up the stairs. Most places down’t even have the stairs open to be used like that by the public everyone has to use the elevator’s. So even though I don’t care for them I have gotten okay with them.

I was getting ready for bed and things last night and was thinking about the day and it hit me hey I had no problem with elevator today. I was like man my anxiety seems to be in check wow I hadn’t even noticed. But I also noticed today that I am falling back into that not feeling anything. I was that way right before the storm hit. I knew I should be doing stuff to get ready and worried at least a little bit but I really didn’t care or feel anything one way or the other about it. I don’t know how I feel about this feeling nothing stage, I never really thought about it before or about my anxiety how it was or anything like that before. But I have been noticing the ups and downs and the phases the last few times they have hit. I have also noticed that it seems to me that I cycle through fairly quickly. But maybe I don’t maybe it just seems like it to me. I don’t like knowing or noticing I guess I should say. I don’t know why it bothers me to know I am bouncing around. Before I never really noticed. I don’t know how I didn’t notice, the things I did notice the most was just the no energy and feeling like doing nothing but sleep. That isn’t hard to notice though and interrupts life the most. I am going to have to talk to the therapist about all this. I probably should have ask if they had more than an hour time block to get me into. Just kidding, kind of I haven’t been in a month or more and so much going on.

I called today and I go to counseling Tuesday at two. I am supposed to be at the Women’s Center that day but I will be in the office so I I should be okay. They know I am busy with other things as well and will be coming between things and fitting everything around each other.

I am not sure what all I have and haven’t told you all because it has been so long since I was able to pot until the last few days. I know you all know I had a huge problems with my medication a while back when I was starting my other job and had went to the doctor. He upped the one and gave me a new one that I could not take while taking the one I was already one (remember that?) then told me to just stop taking everything until I could come in and get them fixed. I got nasty and told them that I didn’t know when I could come back and things and that is why I had come then, he just needed to fix it and they needed to call it in and let me know what I was supposed to be doing. Well I never heard back from them and I never got to go back. I had kept taking the higher amount of the other because I knew I should not just stop cold and not be on anything and that I needed to be on something. It wasn’t helping 100% but something was better than nothing.

Well I stopped taking it shortly after Mother Dearest moved in, I could not get things done and go to bed when I needed to in order to take it and not be passing out the next morning or feeling drugged all day. I stopped it shortly before I quite my job and I know that is part of the reason I did that. It was getting to be to much for me to deal with the people there all snide comments and remarks and the way they did people and myself. I was also very grouchy and agitated very easily. Hell I walked around that way most the time, I do when I stop taking stuff like that until it gets out of my system. Then dealing with everything at home on top of it. I went through the being sleepy, depressed not being able to get up and do anything hardly and all that. Mood swings the whole nine yards of it, I knew if they kept on at work and that all it was going to take was for them to say one just one thing to me I was going to snap and go off it wasn’t going to be good and I didn’t need that when looking for another job. Plus a few of them I may have ended up in jail no joke because I may have done something I shouldn’t have. It is to small of an area I wasn’t going to risk that and it getting out around town. I left the one day in a bad mood mad they bend over backwards for the high school kids but the ones of us in college they could careless about. I done talk to a few and they told me how they did everything they could to keep them from going and working too. I should of known when I said I have to figure out what I was going to do to Robbie and Ricky as I was leaving that day I wasn’t coming back because that’s what I have said most places before I quit.

I have tried to get in to see my therapist for a while now since before I quit and haven’t been able to yet, much less get back to the doctor. But the therapist is mostly because she was out on vacation was able to come back for one day and then had to go out for medical leave. She came back last week, I set a time to go see her then we had this storm hit and everything going on. I was not happy and have had the truck down the last two days, had to pick up Big Guy from school yesterday sick and him home today, I have to go take him to the dentist tomorrow and the two little ones to the ENT on Friday. Then after all the shit she does, says and pulls my mother wants me to take her to take her test at the college on Thursday. But I need to talk to her about all that is going on and I need to talk to her about this internship I have to do at the Women’s Center.

I don’t know if I told you all but this internship for school is at the Women’s Center like I said and it is for abused women. Our main thing is we go to the court house and help them file for injunctions or go to the court house meet the women before their hearing and let them know what we do and the things that we offer and that we will go in and sit in court with them if they would like us too. I went to training a month or two ago right before I left my other job and it ended up only being a half a day. I hadn’t been back because of things going on here. But just that half a day of training left me feeling horrible. Just listening to what these guys do what these women go through and all that. So very much of it hitting so very close to home with all I have been through with father of the year. I left there and was all but in tears the rest of the day. I had to go to the shop, I sat there it was all I could do not to burst out crying. At that point It wasn’t even over any one thing or something I was thinking about. It just seemed so thick and weighing me down. I felt like I was being smothered or attacked by something. It was horrible feeling I don’t know if I have ever had that feeling before in my life. I felt like there was something physically on me. It was the weirdest feeling I have ever had. I think I touched on this in another post not long ago or when it happen so you may have read about already.

I was called to come back this past Friday to do all the training over again. The main lady said she was going to do it and wanted to meet us answer any questions we had and didn’t feel that it went over well for the first half even last time. So I went in and did it, and I didn’t have the same feeling or as affected by it. But we didn’t get into the detail and all that. Last time they told us stories of different clients (no names of course) and what they been through. They did this time but it wasn’t the same kind of things that I had been through so it didn’t really bother me. I was able to detach myself from it so that I could do what I needed to do. I wanted to talk to her about all that and how I felt and things because I am going to be dealing with this kind of thing all the time and more of the things that I have went through than the extreme cases that we learned about Friday.

I want to do the training for the SAV’s program but it is a 40 hour training class and then you have to be able to be on call from 7 am to 7 am a few times a month or more. I have to wait until I get this job or some job and see what days I could do it. The only problem I may have is with my little one in daycare if I was to get a call and not be able to pick her up. But I am going to talk to the one teacher I know and my friend and see if they can help me out if I end up being on call during the week. If it is the weekend or at night my oldest would be here to be with them. I will only be gone a few hours and it is maybe two miles from my house so I wouldn’t be worried about leaving them here. The SAV’s program works with sexual assault victims and I think strangulation victims. Not 100% sure about the strangulation but I know for sure the rest.

It’s sad that our hospitals and things here do not want to deal with rape victims or sexual assault, they now have an exam room set up at the battered women’s shelter for exams for them. When they show up at the hospital they put them in a tax or the back of a police car and send them over there. They call us and tell us they are sending them over so that the nurse and one of us and I am not sure who else can be ready to meet them there when they get there. We have an hour from the time we are called to be there. They have very few people to do it and are splitting it up between 3 or 4 people that is it.

The strangulation program is something that the county has started, because it has become so common and something these guys use instead of just punching them in the eye or the face because they figure they do it just right it won’t leave marks and no one will ever know. So the nurse at the works the exam room is also trained in what to look for if someone says they have been strangled, from the affects it has on their eyes, skin and blood vessels on the face and neck to looking in someone’s throat and what to look for. It is horrible we have to have this but I find it worse that out of all the police departments and things in this county the only people who get taken there and get a chance at having this done and getting help to prove what their offenders done are the ones who live in the county. If they live in a city limit this service or exam is not offered to them. It is a polite program that is set up and being tested. I want to know what we have to do to get it open so that all the women in the county are taken there to be checked just like all the sexual assault ones are. If I have to I will make phone calls and everything else to see that it happens. Because sometimes that is all a guy will do and if you can’t prove it because he didn’t cause enough damage or kill them then they are free to do it again until what next time they do? It isn’t right.

It is so very sad and scary that we need someone to do either one of these exams or that we need people like us to be there and be a advocate for these women and someone to stand beside them and support them as they have to go through all this. But we do, like the one girl said she had not been on any calls the three times that she was on call. But then she thought about it that someone had to be hurt and go through something like that in order for her to get a call and that she didn’t want that to happen to anyone so she just prayed every night that she wouldn’t get any calls. Not because she didn’t want to be bothered or put out but because she just didn’t want anyone to go through that.

I guess I need to go to bed I am calmed down and all the kids are sleeping. I can’t take a nap after I drop the kids at school tomorrow because I have to take the one to his appointment and then go to work at the shop. Besides if I do even though no one is home I am told how I am lazy I don’t do anything all I do is sleep all day every day. Even though I may lay down once a week or every few if I am up late the night before or don’t get to sleep. She knows if I am or not because we are right here by each other and she stays up every fing night on the computer, sleeps all day until we come home or right before and then raises hell when we get home. But let me lay down once in a while for a few hours or even the freaken day if I want to until I get the kids like I said she is all kinds of shit starting. So what if I do what needs to be done is getting done.

{September 19, 2017}   Unwanted House Guest

As you all may remember my mom moved in with us a few months ago, it has been nothing but hell and fighting since. We have had a few bad fights and one again tonight. She has her truck here she won’t drive it, she didn’t pay the insurance on it so it just sits there. She expects me to run to the store every time she needs smokes, drinks, food, or anything else that she wants. She complains all she does is sit in her room on the computer or lays in her bed because she will not sit on the couch, a chair or even a kitchen chair. Most the time she will not eat whatever I cook or make for any meal. She has to buy her own lunch meat bread and everything else. She won’t drink out of a cup she buys little bottles of coke, bottles of water or drinks out in a cup, because everything is so dirty. The dishes go through the dishwasher so they are clean and sanitized. She can’t use the one bathroom because the kids cleaned the guinea pig cage and went in there and washed their hands. She can’t touch the knob to turn it on, she can’t touch the door knob to open the door because it has the mess from the cage on it. No the cage is not cleaned daily like it should be (my standards) but about once a week and it is a 4 ft x 2 ft cage so it isn’t like it is a little tiny cage. It gets cleaned daily or every few days most the time but not sine she has been here because they shouldn’t clean it why I am making dinner they shouldn’t clean it this time or that time then its to late to clean it. They take it outside to the water house clean it out good clean everything in it good. She can’t touch the front door knob because one of the kids went out it with the trash bag from the kitchen trash and touched it. You would think that my door knobs were sticky, dripping with nasty stuff, had stuff all over them or something and that everything in my house did and you can’t see anything anywhere.

I have bleached down the kitchen and both bathrooms I don’t know how many times. I paid my oldest to do them just the other day because I didn’t feel like doing it and we had bleached the kitchen down why she was gone. That wasn’t good enough for her because we didn’t take a pan of water with bleach in it wipe everything down and then get clean water and wipe the bleach off everything. I told her it was done how it was done it was fine that I would not be bleaching it down so that was that. Then she was complaining because she had a dish pan here that we used for something and that she didn’t have that she wanted to go bleach everything down in the kitchen. If you wash your hands in the bathroom they are not clean you need to wash them in the kitchen before you go to get her food, smokes or a drink, but if you just skip washing them in the bathroom then the kitchen handles are dirty because you didn’t wash before you went in there and washed. I am so over it. Then telling me how my house is so nasty and so dirty and everything else again how I make the kids do everything do nothing, how Father of the Year (my husband) she keeps saying. I said he isn’t my fucking husband anymore. Said how I did and things were here and how this one and that one in the family say it is here. Again they are hardly ever here really they are never ever here maybe once a year if that. I said and funny how they all talk about you behind your back and how you are and everyone knows how she is, oh no they don’t they talk about you they didn’t say this and that when I told her what they said. I said that’s funny get them on the phone I will call them out right here and if they been talking about me, my kids, my house and how it is or not and I will call them out and tell you just what they said and say about you at the same time. I don’t care I have nothing to lose or gain from any of it. She shut up for a minute then.

She started again about something, I said funny you couldn’t wait to come over her then sit down and wait for someone to do everything for you that needs done. No I don’t she starts again. I said yes go the store for this go for that and then go get this or that for food and things. Well you don’t do nothing else, I said oh but yes I do and I don’t need anyone else to take care of. I have enough to take care of. It don’t hurt you you never help anyone blah blah I said yes just not people like you who do nothing for their self, or do nothing but cause problems for everyone else. I said it’s so bad you couldn’t wait to get here. No I had no where to go, I said so your just using and causing problems. I will show you I am getting out of here just as soon as I can and when I do I am calling someone to take care of how things are here it is illegal blah blah bull crap. I said go ahead there is nothing illegal going on here I am not worried about it I will let a cop, dcf worker or anyone else in my house anytime they want to walk up in my house no matter how it looks clean or “dirty” I said make sure it is as filthy as it can get when you call them, and when you call someone and try to start problems because that is all your going to do is try nothing will come of it yet again you better make sure you remember it because you will never see or hear from me or anyone in my house again. I mean it, I will cut her, my sister, grandma, everyone that has anything at all to do with her and not speak to any of them again. I will move when I get ready and everything else and no tell them we did or where we went. We will go ghost and there is nothing she will be able to do about it. She keeps talking about lets go lets go get our stuff take our money and leave. I got news for her I do not plan to move anywhere close to where she wants to go, plans to go or ends up going if she goes before me. I do not and will not take her where I go either. She will not come stay with me when I move so that she can find a place and get settled, if she moves close to me I will not do the first thing to help her get moved there or to help her once she gets there. She is 100% on her own once she moves out of my house.

I have even went so far as to call dcf myself anonymous say I know kids living in x house with x people and this person is causing a problem, the kids are always talking about them and complaining about them and the problems there are there all the time since they came there and they feel that they need to go out and check it out to see what is going on. That they know the family that they do not feel there is abuse to the kids by mom that mom is taking care of the kids but she took in a family member that is causing problems and they feel it needs to be checked into. When they come out and talk to my kids my kids tell them yes this is true this is what grandma does this is how things are and how they have been this is what she says to us what she says to mom and the things she threatens to do, they can tell her that she is the one being abusive and causing problems. They may even tell her that she needs to find somewhere else to go and can’t stay here. But at least then they will have been out know what is going on and what to expect if she does try to call later and when she starts about calling and everything else I just tell her look they been to my house twice now in 7 years over you and it hasn’t worked so no need to call again. I don’t know what else to do.

I have talked to my sister about taking her back to her house until she is done doing this to her face she said she needs 6 weeks to do and can’t because of how dirty it is and how bad it is here she is going to catch some kind of horrible infection and die from it. That I don’t care about her if I did I would have cleaned the house up so she could do this to her face she is going to die because it is going to spread and cause problems if she don’t do it and my dads started on his face and look what happen. Well if you might catch an infection and die if you do it but the odds are you aren’t going to or your going to die because you don’t do it then wouldn’t you go ahead and do it and hope not to catch an infection than not do it and let it spread and cause you more problems? I mean it might be horrible to say but if this is how she is looking at it then if I was her I would at least do what I could to make it better and hope for the best than just not do anything. She just drives me up the wall. She wants to go to her friends house out of state says she would go there until February but she can’t because she has to do this to her face. She has been here more than enough time to do it but won’t because there is always and excuse. She has needed to do it for years and has come up with some excuse and not done it so now its my turn to be her excuse and blamed and just something else to show how horrible of a mom I am. I don’t care I know the truth everyone knows the truth and that is that. I could careless whatever one is saying or isn’t saying about me behind my back. If she is so hell bent that they are talking about me behind my back then why would she not think they were here behind hers. They don’t talk behind one and not the others. Tell me I’m just a pig and I can see it everywhere I look when I turn around and how bad my house is and what I am saying about her is all lies. That her house what fine until (my husband) father of the year came there. I said not true there was the stuff from the body that was in that one apartment where the guy died in there that you went to look at. I said you couldn’t keep your clothes, shoe’s, purse or anything else that you had with you. Grandma and Father of the year had to get rid of their clothes, jackets she had to get rid of her purse they had to get rid of their shoes and then a ton of other stuff had to be gotten rid of because your feet were in the floor of your truck it hadn’t gotten cleaned after you walked around in there and had your shoes in the truck. She don’t know why, how, where the man died in the apartment, she don’t know if anything was on the floor or anything else in there or how it was cleaned. But he died there and he was probably sick and that is in there and he was there long enough that stuff ran from his body and was in there. Then it was something that father of the year done it wasn’t clean in the house they bleached it and bleached it down and the truck and threw stuff away again. But then something that was in that apartment will be found she forgot about or something that had something to do with whatever father of the year did will show up and it starts again. Then they hit a dead animal on the side of the road and that was on her tire and then it probably got on the running board and then it got on her pant leg and his pant leg so they again needed to throw away their pants and shoes and then it was on their hands they touched this and that so now it was dirty and needed to be tossed or bleached. Then that was “cleaned” up and the yard guys blew something under her door from the parking lot with the blower when they were cutting the yards so now whatever that was is in her house and she had to throw away another rug and this or that bleach everything down and throw away stuff and then it be clean and something else would come of it again when she thought of it. She ended up throwing away almost everything in her house, couch, recliner, rugs, lamps pots pans shoes clothing beds anything and everything you can think of. And it couldn’t be given to anyone else because then they may get sick and she would get in trouble because she knew it had this or that on it or wrong with it and gave it to them so now she would go to jail or what. This isn’t something that oh one thing happen then a few months down the road something happen or a year. This is something would happen and she would fix on it for a year or months until something happen then fix on it and some times it and the other thing or it and the things from three times ago. She has been this way for a long time and it just goes in a circle.

I am rambling and bitching I know I am sorry and your a saint if you made it this far. I am just so aggravated and frustrated with everything that is going on that she has done. I have told her over and over to get her stuff and get out that i was going to the court house and filing papers to get her out that I would move and leave her here and let the owner deal with getting her out and everything else. The thing is if I file against her to get her out she will not be able to get anywhere at all because once you have been filed against here they will not rent to you. I know I shouldn’t care what happens or where she goes I don’t but I don’t want to see her out in the street either. I just don’t want her in my house.

{September 19, 2017}   Irma…….$1500+ Storm

For over a week my mother ran around here freaking about Irma and it was going to hit us coming right at us. There was nothing I could do I didn’t have my money. They said we would have it that Friday about the time it was supposed to hit. If you have not dealt with storms like this if you want to get out and leave you need to do so at least a day or two before they say you have to or need to leave. If you wait the roads are packed, there is not gas to get and a 5 hour drives turns into a 16 hour drive and for some that is no joke. They started telling people South of us to get out really early this time compared to when other storms have come. Then they told everyone around me in trailers, on the beaches, island, or flood pron areas to get out. We were going to go up north but the roads were so full by the time I got my money at 2am Friday morning. My sister kept saying she was going to stay here and my grandparents. My mom was all freaking out and trying to control everything. I refused to leave until I had my money even though she had hers before mine and we could have gotten some before that if we went and got it. I was not being told it is my money we are doing this that and the other and being dictated through the trip. We ended up staying just maybe about 15 or 20 miles away at a shelter. I was just worried if the trees came down with us here in the house. I was talking to the guy across the street about staying because he was. He said but you have all these tree and it is supposed to be bad he didn’t think it was a good idea. He don’t say things like that I was surprised. I was still going to stick it out at home but my mom had the kids so scared and upset and my sister decided she shouldn’t stay in her place either so we went to a shelter not far from her. I didn’t think she should stay in her place either really. They are nice places but old and not built to standards like buildings today. Mine isn’t new either probably a little older than hers but it is block and it isn’t two stories and already having problems. She had big trees all around her too.

We ended up being there two nights because the storm hit a day later than what they thought because it slowed down. I went late in the evening the night it was supposed to hit figured I could get up when it was over and go home. Me and my little one stayed up for a while but fell a sleep about the time it was supposed to hit and get up by us. At that point they were saying it was going to go over off the West Coast and go up, when I got up the next day I seen where it had come across the state and hit us as well. I never stay up during one if I am here and it hits at night. I may get up off and on or once in the night and check things out or if I hear something but most the time i go to bed and sleep through it.

I was shocked when I woke up they said there was no WATER, power and they couldn’t flush the toilets and things. I was like wow this is weird like twilight zone or something. I have never in almost 37 years been through a storm like that and lose water and have all the lift stations and things be down and not works. We went and drove over to my sisters house and then mine to see how things were before we checked out of the shelter to make sure we could get home and had a home to get to. The amount of power lines that were down, main big lines laying across roads, other smaller ones snapped and laying all over, the poles that were blown over, broken off, and snapped in two was unreal. Again never seen such a thing after a storm. Yes a few lines may break but mostly transformers blow and that is it not lines breaking, poles snapping and all that. There were tons of traffic lights blown down busted everywhere, nothing was open nothing had power it seemed like. There was a lot of wet area and areas you could see where it flooded a little but had already went down. The parking lot going over to my sisters was flooded and lines down up and down the street around her, some trees broken or fallen but little ones not big ones.

I came to my house I had no power and no water, but everything was okay nothing broken or damaged. Lots of pine cones all over the yard and littler branches. I went took my sister home and me and the kids came home. By the time we go home we had water back but still no power. We ended up going staying with my friend and her family. She didn’t have power either but she had a generator. The only real reason I went over there was to use her internet to try and catch up on school work so I wasn’t late or what but was locked out of it. We came home the next morning and by that afternoon we had power again. Just this past Friday have stores like Wal Mart and Publix and things opened fully. The shelves are pretty empty, I heard them say they had a 5000 piece dairy truck coming in Thursday night late and when I was there Friday you couldn’t even tell they had a truck come in. The shelves were still empty. We can get some meats and things but nothing else cold really. The stores lost just about everything unless it was a can or bottle. I heard them say that it would probably be 4 to 6 weeks before the shelves are stocked and going as normal again. There are still a lot of places without power and to bad of damage to even open still as far as places to eat or stores. I took some pictures around town but have not gone over the bridges to the island or beaches yet.

I was supposed to start my job the day the storm hit Monday last week. They were calling us that night saying they had water and power to come to work the next day. I said how are we supposed to do that when we have no power or water? We can’t cook, shower or anything like that. Daycares and schools are closed they can’t open with no water or power so we have no where to take our kids. If we leave them home alone with no power or water we are going to get in trouble and go to jail or something, we are in the middle of a natural disaster and all you all can say is we are good to go make sure you get here. We were just hit by this storm less than 12 hours ago. I told them when kids could go back to daycare we had water power or what then I could come in. They said that was fine they had others that couldn’t come in either they would do another class next week probably. Now they are not starting another one until October the 2nd and it is 3 pm to 11 pm. I am so aggravated with them. I have talk to a few people to try to get into something different or start earlier but there isn’t anything else in that office and no more classes until then. So now because I couldn’t go and they have no care about their employees and what they just went through or going through I lost $1500 in pay for the three weeks I don’t get to work. But my kids come first and I have to make sure they are okay and taken care of. Schools and daycare just reopened today too. I heard that on the West Coast and down south they still have no power or water and it could be at least another week or more before schools and things open back up.

{September 19, 2017}   Reconnecting With Family

One I started a few weeks ago and didn’t get to finish.

My and oldest went to the store late last night to get them things they needed to make lunch today. I laid around all day yesterday and did nothing then made dinner watched a show on tv and then decided to go. I couldn’t believe it was after 10 pm by then, but it felt good to just do nothing for a change with all the running I have been doing. We found water when we fist went in so we gathered what we needed of that and then went to do the rest of our shopping. We ran into my sisters cousin and his little girl. I didn’t really notice who it was and he stopped and back up and I seen who it was. I said hi and we stopped and starter talking, we ended up standing there talking awhile and then he walked around with me and talked why I shopped to get my stuff. I asked him what he had to get he said just ice cream for his little girl that was with him. I said oh yeah you said that. I finished getting my stuff and we got in line he walked out with me and talked some more. He ask me if I was till on facebook I told him yes, he said to message him on there. Later I was sitting there doing my work and things he messaged me, we talked a bit more. He been messaging me off and on today.

It’s odd because we never really talked much all these years hey how are you, how is so and so, good to see you and that is about it. Last night he was telling me all about his ex, his babies mom, his job, some trouble he went through and got into and things. Very out of the norm but I could tell he just seems like he needs someone to talk to, different things he was saying and things. So much he said hit so close to home with things he is going through and ways he is feeling about things. I don’t know it just odd. I told him about Father of the Year and how he walked off cut contact with the kids and things. He was blown away. He didn’t really know him but just that he could or would do that to his kids and things. He looked at my oldest he said come here let me give you a hug, he said you too, he hugged us he said it’s going to be alright y’all will be okay get through it. He told my oldest it is him and his loss. Not to do with her, or her, the kid fault. She said yeah she knew.

He said something about needing support and that his ex didn’t get it when he said he needed support and things. He said he got mad would say he was supposed to be the man of the house he should be supporting them and things. He said but it’s not what I am talking about I work I always work I take care of things. I said you need someone there to be there for you to talk to or whatever not to support you financially. He said YES he said they don’t get it. I said oh I know, I get it, I say the same thing and others don’t get it either. I hear you have the kids, this and that. He said it isn’t the same. I said yes. He said when grandma and grandpa were a live they supported me in anything and everything I did and was there for me. He said I really haven’t had that support since they passed away and sometimes I just need that. I said my dad was for me and since I lost him it’s been hard and even that isn’t the same as when your with someone and having the support from them. He said yes but you had it and it was real, not like now when you have no one at all. I said I understand what your talking about. He said at least someone gets it. I said I think unless you have been there you don’t really get it most people have some kind of help and that gives them that support, but when you are doing it all on your own and your not close with family or friends and don’t have it then you don’t have the support. He said that’s right and I am staying with family but they don’t get it and we aren’t that close.

We talked for a few days off and on and then he drove by my house right before the storm and messaged me wanted to know why my windows were not boarded up? I said because I didn’t get my money until 2 am the day before and wood and things were all gone. That I didn’t have anyone to help me either. He said I probably shouldn’t stay here with it that way. I told him I was probably going somewhere just didn’t know where as of yet. I talk ┬áto him after the storm check see how him and his little girl were and things. We were talking I told him I missed starting my new job because of not having a sitter and things not wanting to leave the kids here with anything on. He said you should of let me know I would of come over and watched them for you, I can’t get to work right now. I told him I may have to take him up on it I would let him know.

It was nice just talking and catching up, I think we will probably stay in contact more than what we have. I am glad he feels I am someone he can talk to. Oh he told me he is going to college too, he is going to do something in the medical field. I was glad to hear it because I know he did hit a ruff patch and got into some trouble but nothing to bad and got turned around.

{September 17, 2017}   Worse Birthday Ever

Today is my Little Guys birthday, he is 7 today and of course it has been a very messed up week since the hurricane hit us and everything else. I been home then was called for training today so had to go do that. The kids all stayed with a friend for the day. I picked them up dropped them off at home, me and the girls went to get cupcakes, gift and dinner. We couldn’t get dinner because the stores are empty of just about any food right now because of the storm. I was going to go to the other store and pick up subs for the night. Not what he wanted but I figured he like them anyway since I couldn’t get what he ask for. We get to the truck to put stuff in and I see a big puddle of water under my truck. It smells like antifreeze. I open the hood and look there is no water in the truck. I called my friend/boss from the shop and he said limp it home (less than a mile) we would have to see where it is coming from. I am not able to go to the other store so I just spend money out on food to be brought to us because I have not been able to do any really shopping with the stores having hardly any food.

Then my Big Guy spilled the cupcakes and the frosting got all over them and the box. The food is going to take an hour to get here and it is already late because I had training and didn’t get home until late. I got here got in a big fight with my mom, she said something about she wondered about the water or something because I never check it. I told her I do and she went on about how she has never seen me and blah blah bullshit bullshit. I told her I do all the time and that I have the guys at work check it if I don’t. Oh yeah you might have them but you don’t. I said yes I do most the time. She started again about she never seen me and on and on. We got in a huge argument. Well I was going to tell you what was probably wrong with it but fuck it blow it up or find someone else to tell you then. Like I am going to be all upset and fall all over telling her I’m sorry or beg her to tell me what is wrong with it. It could be a lot of things, a hose, the water pump, who knows. Not like she can do anything to it anyways. I could careless, what she says or don’t. I know to many people that can tell me or look at it and tell me.

I ordered pizza and they said it would be an hour wait but it was here in about 15 minutes I was surprised. When the guy came my Little Guy told him it was his birthday and they were talking about it. We sat down ate and was just finishing up when someone knocked on the door. I had been waiting for farther of the year to show up out of the blue try to start or think he was just going to come walking in because it was his birthday thinking I wouldn’t say anything because it was. So when the pizza came early I thought that maybe him then when we were done eating and it was so late and someone knocked I thought it maybe. I figured he wouldn’t but also figured if he got a wild hair in his ass he use it as an excuse. I hadn’t even gotten to wash my hands but I didn’t want the kids to answer it if it was him. I had my oldest open the door for me since the others were in the other room. I figured if it was him I would just go outside and tell him he had to leave. It was the pizza delivery guy back, he had a little bag in his hand and gave me. He said for the birthday boy. It was two of those lava cakes and a Sprite. So then he ran out and told him thank you. He thought it was the best thing ever that he would bring that back to him since it was his birthday. I think that help turn his night around a little bit anyway.

I was going to do a surprise party for him this weekend coming up since my Big Boys birthday will be the following weekend at the end of the month. I figured the weekend in the middle would be good. But then we had Irma come through and cause problems and I spent and lost so much money that I figured it be better to wait until the first and do it. It be a few days after my Big boys bday but it can still be for both of them, everyone knows what happen and is still trying to clean up and deal with the storm too. They do not know I am planing it, it is a surprise party I want to keep it that way just in case something happens and we are not able to do it they won’t be disappointed. I told them we would get together with family and things in a week or two when things calmed down but noting about a party with friends and kids from school.

{September 5, 2017}   Things To Work Out

I haven’t seen my therapist in a month or more. She was out on vacation and then came back for a day and was out do to surgery. I am truly not sure when she is going to be back in the office again and seeing people. I think tomorrow but I am not sure, I have to call tomorrow and see. I have been in and went in to try and get in to talk to someone else why she was gone and they couldn’t find anyone for me to talk to. I ask to talk to the lady I was seeing before her they said she didn’t have anything and no one else really did either. I really need to get in to talk to someone but haven’t.

I went to my training at the abuse shelter where I have to do my 50 hours for school a few weeks ago and really needed to talk to someone. I still need to talk to someone before I go back and will need to know I have someone I am able to talk to when I start going again. I can’t go a month or more without it right now while going there.

I went that first day for training and we only ended up being there half a day and when I left I was almost in tears. I spend the rest of the day fighting tears and to not just bust out and start crying. I went from there to the shop and almost got into it with one the the guys there for stupid she he was saying about his ex and child support and things. I just let him run his mouth didn’t say anything because I knew I just start if I tried to. Even when I was sitting there alone I still fought it.

To say I was shocked, surprised and caught off guard from it is an understatement. I did not expect just training to effect me the way it did and we really didn’t go over a lot. Well I guess we did go over a lot and some heavy stuff I guess you would say. But to me it wasn’t because I been there I been through it. I don’t know how to explain it, it’s just different. I guess because some of the women were surprised and shocked at the things these women go through and the things these guys will do to them. Because they have never been through it, they have never known anyone that have been through it and some are not in school to do the stuff some of us are. So it was a real shock or eye opener to them that this is really the things some go through and how they live, that some don’t make it out and how hard it is to get out.

I guess just hearing it talked about and hearing someone validate that yes this is the kind of things that really happen and yes the guys try to make you feel crazy and make you look crazy and will play the one being abused even. Just really talking about it even though we weren’t talking about personal stories or anything like that to talk about it and not have it feel taboo or like it was your fault and just hear people talk about it like it is normal every day topic of conversation (guess for them it is) and not shy away from it was very different for me. Even with my friends, family, ex’s and things like that it wasn’t something I could really talk about and what happen and how he did me. It’s just not something you talk about, it makes others unconformable, they don’t get it because they have never been there, you sound petty because they don’t understand some of it and how they do.

That few hours made me see that I have a lot to still deal with and I guess I kind of knew that already but didn’t know how much I really need to work through. Because like as much as I would love to meet someone I’m truly scared to death to, someone will bring up this person or that or a friend and it’s like oh that sounds so nice. But then when it gets into oh I should introduce you or they are going to be here or there come by I can’t. I know what I want and things but I feel like if I stick to that it will be okay. but then at the same time it’s like no way look at all that you been through it don’t matter how you go about it, slow you go or what your going to get hurt. I feel ill just thinking about going on a date.

I am going to call tomorrow and see if I can get in to see her either Wednesday or Thursday and talk to her. I am also going to tell her that I am not happy about not being able to talk to someone why she was gone I was told she would have someone to cover and that I could not get in. That I need to find somewhere else if I can’t be seen when I need too. I feel like I have slipped so far back between that, my meds being messed up, my mom being here and being into it with her, and not taking my meds now. I haven’t in weeks or more for different reasons. They seem like they had stopped working again. I was aggravated with everything else going on as well and sick of the way i was feeling from them and everything else going on I stopped taking them.

{September 5, 2017}   Should be Sleeping

Sitting here listening to music and thinking, it’s 1 am I should be sleeping. I have to be at work at 8 am. Just at the shop watching the guys collecting money or whatever needs to be done. They will be on their way home from their trip to Tenn. Waiting to hear if I am going to get to work this week with my sister and her husband or not. At least that would give me a little money to hold me over the next few weeks or to help. I am supposed to get my money from school Friday. I owe so much out but I think I will be okay as long as this storm don’t cause us to much problems this next week or two. I can’t afford to leave and I can’t not leave if they say we are going to get to much of a hit from it. If it was just me I didn’t have the kids I wouldn’t worry about it I just wait it out and hope for the best.

If we have to leave it is going to take a big chunk of money and I don’t want to do that. I need that money for a lwayer and hopefully get a new truck, pay bills and buy Christmas. I have enough to pay rent for just about 7 months, but I need to pay my sister back and I really think I need to find a different truck than keep putting money into this one. I really should have never bought this truck but I just lost my dad needed something to drive and knew if I didn’t get something Father of the Year would have my money spent because I couldn’t get it away form him. I finally just said fine go get it. I have a guy who still wants to buy it not sure how much I can get out of it but I can’t sell it until I get something else. I don’t need to be in a spot like I was when I bought this one where I need it. I can still drive this one for a while but it isn’t going to last me a while like I want it to unless I put some money into it and I don’t want to put that kind of money into it. It wouldn’t be so bad if it didn’t need hood, fenders, shocks in the hood, back hatch and painted. I think the air needs fixed as well. The air is a lot. I figure by the time I put all that money into it I could just get another and right now the prices aren’t to bad on them. I found a few with the 7.3 motor I want for a decent price. I found one that was okay priced and I could probably get them talked down even lower, but it has been wrecked in the front like mine. It needs a lot of the same parts as mine and it will need painted like mine does. But it has the better motor in it and I have the parts priced out, I can get them for not a lot if I get them down on the price of the truck then I could probably bring it home get all the parts and put on it then take my truck now and trade it to get the paint job it needs and be out less than if I fixed my truck. I would have the motor I wanted and nicer truck. I have made a list of about 12 to look at and talk to the people about before I decide what I am going to do. Most are about two hours away from me so I am waiting to get my money see what this storm is going to do then set it up so I can make a trip out of it when I drop the kids off at school and go for the day look at as many as I can in one area. If I find something I like then I can talk to them see what kind of price I can get it for and go back down another day or that day depending on how long I have before I have to get the kids and get it. I am going to look at a bunch before I pick one. That way the people know that I motivated to buy if I get the right truck at the right price. Right now with gas prices going up helps too because they know they are going to have to come down on the price of the trucks because people are not wanting to buy them when gas is up to $2.65 a gallon right now. But like I told my friend, it saves me $100’s to $1000’s off when I buy and even if I pay a little more for gas once in a while I still don’t end up spending what I saved on the price in gas. I don’t go that far I don’t use that much gas and gas prices don’t stay up that long. And when I have a list and I am looking at a bunch of different ones that are in the same shape in the same area or close people know well they want this for that one and it is same as mine she will just go buy that one if I don’t sell mine for a good price they come down too if they are really wanting to sell. I will tell them well I have this many others to go look at that are in this shape or that for about the same or cheaper so I have to go check them out before I pick one. I don’t want to jump on the first thing I look at and I need to get the best deal I can and the best for my money it has to last me a while. One thing I don’t like is that a lot of them are on lots and I hate to buy off lots but to get what I want I guess I will. I have thought about making payments even on one to get what I want that is in really good shape. But I still have to get it at a good price and make sure I can get it paid off by Feb. and still have money to pay the lawyer. No matter what the lawyer comes first.

I am also going to keep looking and adding to my list this week and taking some off. There were two or three I called about that have not called me back I figure they are gone. I am bad I love to car/truck shop. I said that to my boss the other day we were talking about shopping for some reason. I said I don’t like to shop for clothes and things. My shopping for clothes, shoes or a purse is walking through the store and seeing something I like. If I have the money and it fits then I will pick it up. But to just go shop hardly ever unless I have too. I said I like to shop for trucks and big ticket things like furniture. He like your a special kind of women, I just laughed. But it’s true I have always like shopping for cars and was always the one to wheel and deal when we had to get a new car.


{September 4, 2017}   Peter Pan, Wendy and the Plan

As you all know I sometimes call Father of the Year as Peter pan. “His” song (Peter Pan)come on the radio the other day me and my friend were out somewhere. I said hey there’s his song and we were laughing. Then I thought of it, I said hey if he is Peter Pan then that must mean she is Wendy. So now depending on who we are around we call them Peter Pan and Wendy. The only parts of the song that really reminds me of him if the chores when she is singing your never going to grow up your never going to be a man, your always going to fly away just because you know you can. Because that is just how he is. He there when he wants to be gone when he feels like it, don’t take care of anything like a kids.

Anyway I have a plan for them as well now that this has all happen an I have this half way decent job for a little bit. I am going to take money out and pay a lawyer to take him to court. I still have no address to serve him and all that but that I am not worried about. I think I have a plan to make this all work out and so that I can get what I want in court. At this point I think he can pretty much be gotten for abandonment of the children he don’t see them or support them in anyway. He don’t want anyone to know how to get a hold of him if something was to happen so there is no contact. The kids have been to the doctors a few times one is waiting to go to a specialist and all I think have been to the er since he has left. He knows nothing about it other than what he may of heard from others.

When we go to court I want him to just sign his rights up and be done. For the soul perpuse he can not just walk in and out of the kids lives and do like he has the last year or more and so that if or when he decides he wants to play daddy again because it suits him at the time I can keep him at arms length and figure out how to handle things and talk it over with the kids. Let the kids decide if and how they want to see him and handle things with him at that point. He can not force me to let him see them if they don’t want to, he can’t go to court and try to make me let him see them and when I get ready to move or if I move and decide I want to again I can without asking him or the courts. Plus this way he can’t just go pick them up from school, sports, daycare or anything else without me knowing and taking them off to where ever he wants to talk them and I have to fight to get them back. If he was to show up and try to just take them then he would be in trouble.

I am thinking right now if I do not have contact with him or know where he is living then when we go to court in Jan or Feb I have no address to have him served. I don’t know where he is working or living then he can’t be served. But I can go to court and ask the judge if I can file a notice in the paper for so many days or weeks in hopes he see’s it or someone does and tells him he comes forward. But if he don’t then I still win in court because he is not able to be reach. I am sure they will not take his rights away but I can get full custody and child support. Full custody will help keep him from taking them just whenever he wants as well or coming around. If they can’t do away with his rights then I do want child support. When I find out he has a job or child support finds out he has one then they can go after him for it. I won’t have to. I also will be able to move out of state and do whatever I want with the kids as well. I just hope that everything can and will go as I think it should. I have my money coming by Friday and I have an appointment to talk to the lawyer the 14th. I just hope that she says yest this all can be done this way and that I am likely to win my case if I do it this way or tell me what i am going to need to do to win my case.

He did send my oldest a message on Facebook a few days after he knew their school went back. I was so pissed because the last one he sent was the day school got out she asked him for $50 so she could get her school work so she could work over the Summer and get caught up to grade level. In his message the other day he put something about missing and loving them and hope they have good school year. To me that was just a dig that I didn’t give you the money and now school started back you don’t need it I can contact you again. Hope you have a good school year say to me I don’t plan to be around. Few people I have talk to said the same thing. I say he just knew that school started back and sent it or that is why he brought up the school year but my kids didn’t start back until a week or more after the public school kids started this year. Last year they started with them so he had some way of knowing they didn’t go back until late because it came a day or two days after they started. If he thought they stared when public school did he sent it sooner. I left it as unread because she has not been on to see it. She hardly ever uses facebook. I wanted to reply but I didn’t. I wanted to go find him and reply face to face but I knew I couldn’t.

He makes me so sick he has no contact other than some bs like that once every three months or something. But then he post all over his page how he got married, how he is so in love and how in love they are with each other. I said who are they trying to convince other than their self because the stuff they are saying they shouldn’t have to say to others it would be implied or figured. I wanted to post as my daughter and say so this is how your own kids find out? You didn’t even think enough of us to come tell us face to face or ask if we wanted to be there? But I guess that is to be expected from a father that has had no contact with us since April and who don’t care if we have things we need or anything else and then leave us to pay the vet bill for our dog that you let get killed. Glad to see that you love someone and have someone to love you since you don’t seem to use anymore. Put it all out there for his family, friends, church friends and everyone to see and know how he is doing his kids. He tells everyone I won’t let him see them, I just take his money and spend it on my self and waste it. But if it comes right from her what can they say. They all know how my oldest is and that she isn’t like most kids her age she is way above that and speaks her mind when she has something to say. Who wouldn’t at almost 14 when their dad runs off and does what he has.

I talk to my oldest about a lot of this and told her he sent the message and things. I told her about going to the lawyer and what I wanted to try to do there and everything. She said I don’t blame you if you didn’t let him see us after all that he has done. I sure wouldn’t let him see us if I was you and he had done all that. I said but that if your dad, yalls dad and I am not going to keep you all from having a relationship with him if that is what you want. But I am not going to force you to have one just because that is what he decides he wants if you don’t. We were talking about him trying to pick them up from school or what if he decided to. She said yes but we wouldn’t go. She said well I wouldn’t but i don’t know about the boys because they are younger and things. I explained to her that the police would make me let them go if it was this day or that day and that even if they didn’t want to they would tell them they had to go. That was why I was trying to do things the way i was but that they could still have a relationship with him if they wanted to no matter what I did or didn’t get in court. If he came around and wanted one. But that what happen in court would dictate how much of one they had to have and leave it all up to them to have it on their terms of if they went places if they talked to him on the phone, if they decided to stay the night if it built up to that. It would all be up to them not him to just say the papers say i get you this time to this time so you got to come. She liked that idea.

I just want to get in front of this lawyer and get this done with and know what I have. I don’t know if it is something we are going to do right away since I am at this job making ok money I was thinking to have her file the first of the year. Then I will not have this job making all that money and they will not figure it into the child support he owes. Not that I really expect to see any of it anyway but still. If I do then he needs to pay at the right rate for a change.

et cetera
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