{September 5, 2017}   Things To Work Out

I haven’t seen my therapist in a month or more. She was out on vacation and then came back for a day and was out do to surgery. I am truly not sure when she is going to be back in the office again and seeing people. I think tomorrow but I am not sure, I have to call tomorrow and see. I have been in and went in to try and get in to talk to someone else why she was gone and they couldn’t find anyone for me to talk to. I ask to talk to the lady I was seeing before her they said she didn’t have anything and no one else really did either. I really need to get in to talk to someone but haven’t.

I went to my training at the abuse shelter where I have to do my 50 hours for school a few weeks ago and really needed to talk to someone. I still need to talk to someone before I go back and will need to know I have someone I am able to talk to when I start going again. I can’t go a month or more without it right now while going there.

I went that first day for training and we only ended up being there half a day and when I left I was almost in tears. I spend the rest of the day fighting tears and to not just bust out and start crying. I went from there to the shop and almost got into it with one the the guys there for stupid she he was saying about his ex and child support and things. I just let him run his mouth didn’t say anything because I knew I just start if I tried to. Even when I was sitting there alone I still fought it.

To say I was shocked, surprised and caught off guard from it is an understatement. I did not expect just training to effect me the way it did and we really didn’t go over a lot. Well I guess we did go over a lot and some heavy stuff I guess you would say. But to me it wasn’t because I been there I been through it. I don’t know how to explain it, it’s just different. I guess because some of the women were surprised and shocked at the things these women go through and the things these guys will do to them. Because they have never been through it, they have never known anyone that have been through it and some are not in school to do the stuff some of us are. So it was a real shock or eye opener to them that this is really the things some go through and how they live, that some don’t make it out and how hard it is to get out.

I guess just hearing it talked about and hearing someone validate that yes this is the kind of things that really happen and yes the guys try to make you feel crazy and make you look crazy and will play the one being abused even. Just really talking about it even though we weren’t talking about personal stories or anything like that to talk about it and not have it feel taboo or like it was your fault and just hear people talk about it like it is normal every day topic of conversation (guess for them it is) and not shy away from it was very different for me. Even with my friends, family, ex’s and things like that it wasn’t something I could really talk about and what happen and how he did me. It’s just not something you talk about, it makes others unconformable, they don’t get it because they have never been there, you sound petty because they don’t understand some of it and how they do.

That few hours made me see that I have a lot to still deal with and I guess I kind of knew that already but didn’t know how much I really need to work through. Because like as much as I would love to meet someone I’m truly scared to death to, someone will bring up this person or that or a friend and it’s like oh that sounds so nice. But then when it gets into oh I should introduce you or they are going to be here or there come by I can’t. I know what I want and things but I feel like if I stick to that it will be okay. but then at the same time it’s like no way look at all that you been through it don’t matter how you go about it, slow you go or what your going to get hurt. I feel ill just thinking about going on a date.

I am going to call tomorrow and see if I can get in to see her either Wednesday or Thursday and talk to her. I am also going to tell her that I am not happy about not being able to talk to someone why she was gone I was told she would have someone to cover and that I could not get in. That I need to find somewhere else if I can’t be seen when I need too. I feel like I have slipped so far back between that, my meds being messed up, my mom being here and being into it with her, and not taking my meds now. I haven’t in weeks or more for different reasons. They seem like they had stopped working again. I was aggravated with everything else going on as well and sick of the way i was feeling from them and everything else going on I stopped taking them.

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