I got to work late today because it was just a drag ass kind of day. We had our first really cold night/morning my drier didn’t want to work and the kids missed their ride. Then we got to school and had to come home for stuff that was forgot. I got to work, clocked in and then went through and pulled up all my sites and places that I needed to pull up in order to do my job. There are about 6 or more and each one has a log in name and password and each one is different or slightly different than the others. Half of them I had to try and try to log in because the system gets so bogged down I think that it just kicks it back and says it is wrong. As soon as I logged on the phone and put myself in to get calls I heard them calling my name. I went to see why, they told me to put my phone on training and go down to the conference room and tell them I just got there. I said I been here for about 45 minutes or more I didn’t just get here. They well just go down there. I go in there and there is already about 25 people or more in there. There is no where to sit the room is freezing and there is this guy standing in the front at this screen talking about this and that. One guy got up said he was going on break. I said I am going to sit here until you get back then you can have your seat back and sat down. the guy who is supposed to be training says I have this or that to do I will be back in a few minutes. We all start talking and everyone is talking about how this is crazy we have no where to sit they keep stopping we are sitting her looking at the wall and talking to each other like the other training class. Then these people are telling us how they got there at 7 am, they came in over the weekend for training and they were in training Friday. They said they called them and told them to come in or asked them to come in. It’s 10 we just got into this class. He comes back in starts telling us about a few other things. I stopped him asked a question he half ass answered it. Before I could say anything someone else asked him about it and to explain it more. He says well that isn’t really what we are here to learn just raise your hand when your on the phone and ask them about that later. Then goes on, someone stopped ask about something else and where to find what he was showing us and telling us to use. Again we were told we weren’t covering that we didn’t have time just raise our hand when we were on the floor and had a call. Someone stopped him and ask about what he was explaining to us and how that was and what about this or that. He stands there looking completely stupid and then says well we don’t have time to go over that we will come back to that later we need to get through this and have to move on. Um what are you teaching us if we are telling you we have questions and we don’t understand what you are talking about because that isn’t what we were told? Isn’t this training and don’t you want us to learn what you are teaching us why we are here?  He then says everyone go on your first 15 minute break. We are all standing around talking about this and how they just spring all this on us others have been here for days going over this stuff others hours before us and we all are expected to take this test and pass in a little bit. We go back in he tells us a few more things turns the “class” over to two other people that are agents on the phone like the rest of us and says I have to go for about 20 minutes so they are going to go over the stuff we did and try to explain it some to you all. Then in walks another girl and she is up there trying to help them out. We are asking her this stuff we been asking and asking about this test and she is asking us questions that are like the ones that are supposed to be on the test. We are saying that isn’t what we were told the answer was, this isn’t what they showed us to do, that isn’t how they are telling us out there to do this. We didn’t learn that, we didn’t learn to do it like that. This other girl that came in after he left to help these other two out says you all pasted this test and this test the last thing you did before you came out to the floor you have to know some of this and should know this stuff. You all shouldn’t have all these questions you passed the test or you wouldn’t be out on the floor. I was mad at this point. I said you want to know how we past the test? I was locked out of the system for a week straight. Everyone else had a 3 or 4 days maybe more to work on all that training and do them test. I was logged in on Monday under someone else information told to do the training on my own and then to take the test. I said I did one test on Monday and when I walked in on Tuesday I was told this had to be done today and to hurry up get through the work and get the test done. I said and then they told us do the test but don’t turn it in on the computer, let us look at it first. I said then they came over looked at every question and would say number such and such are you sure that is the answer you want to put for that and then say think about this or that I don’t know if that is right either until you picked the answer they felt was right. I said so that is how we past the test and got on the floor. I said as far as the rest of this stuff when your locked out and can’t do anything them coming over clicking here there and where ever between a bunch of sites and pages why you are in the middle of a phone call isn’t training or giving us a chance to learn the system and understand what they are doing or even have an idea of what they are doing or where they are supposed to go to do what. So no why you sit here and say we had training and passed this test or that test no we really didn’t so it isn’t our fault that we do not know this stuff and when we were in training we spent about 48 hours (a week) or more sitting there looking at the walls roof or what ever and talking to each other about whatever because no one was showing us and teaching or training us on anything. Everyone was like yes she is right and everything she is saying is true and the training wasn’t done right blah blah. She did not like it at all when I got done and then started back peddling and saying well instead of sitting here talking about how bad training was and what they didn’t do lets just move on and get this done and something else. After that she never asked me nothing talked to me or even acted like I was in the room. Me and the other guy were talking to some of them after we took the test and he said no one will come help me when I am on the phone or talk to me or even look at me most the time now because they know I haven’t been pain at all in a month. I said yep me to, they avoid me and will not say anything to me or walk past me. The other lady said you all need to call a lawyer. I said oh I plan on it tomorrow. I am going to call a lawyer the news medicare blue cross of Minnesota and everyone else I can think of to call and get something done about this and take care of it. 4:30 rolled around I said I got to go. Someone said you have a break to take? I said nope somewhere to take my son I got to go home. They started to say something, I said not like I am getting paid to be here anyway so it shouldn’t matter. They were like oh yeah that is true. The lady doing the class and another one was sitting right there a few seats away from me and I seen one look up and start to say something and when I said something about getting paid she looked down and never said anything.  I don’t even know if I passed my test or not. They couldn’t decide on the right answer for a few of them and was complaining that so many missed a lot of them and that everyone was missing different stuff not like we were missing the same things. I don’t care I am just there hoping to get paid if I show up a few days this week so that I can cover bills. I am applying for other jobs the days I am not there and starting my hours for school as well. I am not letting my schooling go this close to being done with two certificates. Oh and before it was over we had over 30 people shoved in this room half without chairs to sit in standing around getting tripped over and everything else doing this so called training. While half of them are sitting around talking about something that has nothing to do with what we are doing he is standing up there talking about stuff no one can hear him and everything else before he left. When he left and said he be back in 25 minutes or whatever it was he never came back he left it to someone else. He finally came in got half the people and took them to test. When our group took the test half of us had come in between 8 and 9 the others came at 12 11 or 10. By 245 we had taken both test and were waiting for our grades. But we were trained. Even the ones that got there later were saying wait what we have to take the test and we just got here. We were like wait we have only had bits and pieces of training because every time we come in we are sent on another break and then half of the people are still in there going on with training we leave come back in the middle of something different then we sent out again and miss stuff come back to something else different. They are out when we are in no one got all the training. I am contacting blue cross telling them all this.

{October 30, 2017}   Seen A Friend

Friday night me and my friend took her two little ones and my 4 to the trunk or treat at Little Bitty’s school. We were leaving and a guy called my name. I turned and looked and it was a guy I worked with at Mc Donald’s. I stopped and went back he came up and gave me a big hug and was asking how I was doing and everything. I was kind of surprised that he hugged me as we talked at work here and there a few times and we say things in passing or ask each other to do this or that or something but nothing like we were close or anything. I enterduced the kids and we were talking about the event and things. He said it was the only thing he could find to bring his kids and their friends to that wasn’t for 12 and under.

We got onto the subject of work he said well they have hired 10 new people since you left and 15 have left, you can do the math. I said well you know I told her I would do this shift so I could get in and get out two bosses thought it was great but the one with the final say didn’t so. It wasn’t like I was asking for someone else shift or for them to make an opening on that shift, they had no one to cover that shift as it was so it would have worked good. I also told him that because of the other manager was also why I left. That it was to the point that it wasn’t going to end well between me and her we were going to end up having words or something and I would be out of there anyway. He said she is on her way out because of the way she talks to people and treats people. He said he had it out with her and I told him I told the other boss about them getting into it that he hadn’t done nothing wrong she just got nasty with him how she had talked to me that day already that I was ready to leave. I told him that we are adults a lot older than her that we are not stupid and do not need someone standing over us like we are two and that we are not going to be talked to and treated like we are, that we come in do our work are told every day by all the other bosses what a great job we are doing then she is the only one that acts that way because she is on a power trip and it isn’t going to go over well. He said no and others had told them they were leaving and left because of her as well so they are not happy with her and she is on her way out real soon. He said he is finally down to 5 days a week they had him working 7 days a week and crazy hours and over time.

I find it funny that these places let one employee run off many good ones before they do something about it or get rid of them. I think the only reason he is still there is because he is making more than me and don’t have to work with her as directly as I had to. He can kind of avoid her and deal with the other bosses. Or even let them go because they want to change shifts and you don’t like it because you can be all high and might ruler and decide what shift they get. Instead why not say okay it is open lets train you and see how you do? Rather than now have to find someone for that shift and the one you put the in that they could not do so they left. It is the truth all the bosses there but the one would tell me every day how good of a job i was doing and how great it was that I was picking it up so fast for not having much training and things.

{October 30, 2017}   Job Search Has Begun

I am truly at a lost on what to do for work, I hate the through of going back to this job in the morning, I still haven’t been paid and I am not trained good enough to be on the phones. I am now on the phones as of Thursday after noon. I took about three calls, “lost” two of those answered one’s question wrong and went home before I got anymore. I have not as of right now been paid and we are getting checks again this week. I only worked 6 out of 10 days the last two weeks. I know that is bad but it’s really hard to go in when your not getting paid and they don’t care, they just say you will get your money eventually. I told them they didn’t want me coming to work eventually and that my kids school and bills didn’t want to get paid eventually they wanted paid now, just as I wanted paid on pay day like I am supposed to get it. Then he had the nerve to stand there and try to turn it around on me and tell me if I had clocked in and out the right way like I was supposed to. I said no wait I could not even log into desk top on my computer much less into where we are supposed to clock in and out and I asked every day if my time was being put in and made sure that they remembered that I could not do it. He started trying to cut me off and not let me finish but I did. He said well it isn’t us, it’s the higher ups and all we can do is let them know and that’s about all. I said I am looking for another job where I will be paid not where I am told I will get my money eventually and as soon as I get one I will be gone. Now don’t do that and give us a chance we will have an answer for you by the end of the day. Well the end of the day came and went, another Friday came and went and the weekend and I still have no pay. I really need the money and should not be missing work but at the same time if I am not getting paid for it then what is the point in going in? I reapplied at the store here by my house that was going to hire me before I went over here. I fixed my application like they wanted and called them Friday to talk to the hiring person but they said she is on vacation until Monday. I am going to call her on my way to work if I go and ask her when I can come in for an interview. I am going to tell her that I will come in anytime even right now if she would like that I have x amount of customer service experience, x amount of retail and the hours I can work, that i have management experience and everything. I will tell her I can come over and start right now if she would like or as soon as she would like. Pray that I get it because I am not thrilled about my other option that I can think of that I can make money and work around doing my hours for school.

I told my friend the other day I am ready to go over to the beach and start stripping if I have to. I don’t know if I can do it or not, I have never even been in one of them places but at this point I need something that I can work and be flexible with my hours. I just don’t know if I can get up there and do it. Like I told her it isn’t even a moral thing as it is the shit I have had drilled into my head all these years about how I am and how I can’t do anything right, no one is going to want me and all the other lovely stuff that has been said and done to me. I don’t know if I could really do it if I got the job. But at this point I may have to try and get drunk enough to do it maybe. Because I don’t know what else to do. I can stop going to school right now with a month to go and give up both my certificates and my degree or I can finish school and stop working. If I stop working that means bills and things don’t get paid. We don’t have lights water or a place to stay or food to eat. I just can’t give up school and not finish and let so many people gloat and find it so great that I didn’t get to finish. I also can’t let us end up homeless again or not have the things we need. I have to figure out a way to make it all work and if doing that is what it takes then I just might have to figure out a way to do it. I think I can figure out a way to do that then find a job that is willing to work around my schooling and the hours I can work at all because of the kids. I have to be here for my kids and make sure they are taken care of as much as I have to make sure they are provided for. I am starting a diet tomorrow in hopes to drop a little chunk that I need to drop before I do it and drop it quick and figure out if there is anything else I can do other than that or how to do it. At least then whatever happens I can’t say happen because I gave up or didn’t try. I will know I gave it my all and done all that I felt I could do and that is what matters. I don’t want my kids see me give up on going to school because it got a little hard. I don’t want them to know the job I may have to do to make it happen right now either but that isn’t a big deal. Like my other jobs I will go to work and come home and as far as they will know I am going to the job I have now. That will be all them or anyone else will need to know. Once they are older and understand better than I will worry about explaining it to them. Right now I just have to do what I have to do.

{October 25, 2017}   Still Haven’t Been Paid

Went to work Monday and was finally back in the computer but locked out of somethings. I asked about my pay and the lead that had me in her class said oh you weren’t under me I couldn’t put you in the computer, they told me they were taking care of it. But I seen her doing it at one point and asked her every day she was sure I was being put in to be paid she said yes. I told her I needed my check not in a week or when we get paid in two. She said she was working on it, I went to put my bank info in so it could be put in the bank and the spot to put it in was gone. I went back and told her and told her to give it to them and have them put it in there. Yesterday I didn’t go because Little Bitty was up puking two or three times in the night. I finally got her to stop and we slept yesterday and let her get over whatever she had. I called the leave line and later text the lead told her she was sick and told her I didn’t have my check yet. Then she tells me that they said there was no bank info they couldn’t put it in. I said nope there wasn’t because I couldn’t get into it for how long and then when I tried yesterday I couldn’t put it in and I gave it to you and you stood there and put it in I watched you. I never heard anything back after that. I didn’t go today I had to take my kids to school and was late, then I would have to leave hours early to pick them up because their ride couldn’t take them today. I just had it with them I didn’t get a check in the mail or the bank. We were talking Monday she said she waited for I forget how long to get paid the last time she worked there. I said yes I waited from October to December to get what they owed me and I will not do it again this year, I come in and work I expect to get paid when I am supposed to just like they want me to work when I am supposed to. Until I get paid I will not be working this time around.

I am going to go in tomorrow and see if I can find out about my check and what is going on. I haven’t even gotten on the phone yet. I am supposed to be up to $14 I bet they haven’t done that yet either. I will not wait forever for that.

{October 23, 2017}   A Week Short

I finally received my paycheck in the mail Saturday and it was a week short. I was so mad, I went to work today and my lead tells me that she couldn’t put it in the computer I wasn’t under her and no one else did. I asked her and asked her the last two weeks I sat there if I was being put in the computer she said yes. I said I need my pay and I need it now not in a few days a week or in two weeks when we get checks again. I have my direct deposit information if they can do it that way. All day she has been going back and forth with them over it. It is not there in the morning I am not going back to work. I will call the leave line and stay home, when they call me and ask why I am not there I am going to tell them I do not work for free. The last time they shorted my check I did not get my money until Christmas when it was October they owed me the money. Everyday I went in everyday they say it was going to be fixed going to be fixed. It was not fixed until I went in there and told them I was walking out if it was not fixed. Just like I told them the other day on that training call it was a zoo here no one knew what was going on I thought it would be better here we are two years later but I was wrong. Not just the training but the higher ups and taking care of things are not any better. They do not get things done they pass the buck and blame everyone else. Like I told my lead today they have a lot of people walking around doing a lot of nothing and not enough people doing the jobs that need to be done, like fixing our pay and getting people in the computer and those kinds of things. She didn’t say anything, just told me how she waited months to get her pay fixed as well last year. This is an every year thing with them it seems. I am not going to do it this year I will leave and go somewhere else. I really need to talk to my boss and see if I can work something out with him but I don’t know. He seems to of decided to do something different. I just wish I could find somewhere that would work with me that wasn’t so stressful.

{October 19, 2017}   Ready To Quit

I am so done with this job, it is starting to be more bullshit than the pay is worth. As you all know I have been sitting for over a week and a half now just looking at the wall for the most part doing nothing and can’t. But they will not let me take care of things for school so it will be done and I won’t be worried about it. Well today we are about half way through the day or so  and my lead comes over and says did I tell you what they said they need from you? I said what who needs from me for what? No one has told me anything about anything. She said well the client Blue Cross Blue Shield wants a copy of my divorce decree to show that I changed my name. I said why? I don’t even know where that is. I have my social security card and my drivers license showing my name change that is all I need. Once it is done with those two places it is done it don’t matter why or how it was done. I said and for that matter the state of Florida has already changed it on my state license as well and they didn’t even want that. I just sent them my state id with my name change on it. She said I don’t know it is what they want. I said let me look in the truck see if I have it. I wasn’t giving it to them. I was going to tell them I needed to make a copy and then black everything out and give it to them. It isn’t in my folder with everything. I went back in and went and found the one guy and ask him. He said if that is what they say they need it is what we have to give them. I said well it is none of their business what is in my divorce and things and I packed that it not sure where it is, I have not needed it for over a year. He says can’t you go to the clerk and get one? I said I guess I could but that means I have to take time off and pay for it and everything else. He said oh it don’t matter if you take time off your not on the phone anyway. But it still counts against me when it comes down to it. And I am losing money by not being there and why is it fine for me to take off when it is to benefit them but not when it is for school when they told me that schooling comes first? I am so aggravated with them. Then they go oh your not doing anything go sit with so and so and listen to calls. Well you can only listen to calls so long it don’t matter how many you listen to, until your doing it you still have no clue what you are looking for where. Even the others sitting around me was saying how crazy it is and how they do not need that paperwork and that it is none of their business. One girl said I am a par legal and that is not right or any of their business and they do not need it.  I said yeah I know and told her if they get it, it is all being blacked out. She said I don’t blame you I would do the same thing. She said if it was me I would call them myself and ask them why they needed it and could not use the card and id you have.

I went to leave everyone was like see you tomorrow and everything. I said nope because if I have to take off to do that for them and it is okay then I am going to take care of things I need to do for school as well. I said if I decide to come back you might see me Monday but I haven’t even decided if I will be coming back or not because they just want to much and are making a way bigger deal of this than it needs to be. I really don’t know what I am going to do or if I am going to go back. I hate it before they didn’t care if you worked 3 days or 7 day as long as you had your 40 hours in. Other than that it is the only thing that changed.

Yesterday I had to be part of a call where they were asking everyone how their training was and how they feel about being on the floor. I said it wasn’t really training if you ask me. I said I was here when this place first open and it was a zoo in here. I said last year when you all called to see if I wanted to come back to work I never answered the phone because the year before was so bad. I said this year I thought maybe it would be better you all have been doing it a while but it’s just as bad if not worse. I told them three or 4 times that I am now a week and a half sitting here unable to even log onto the computer and tell what time it is much less anything else. And there seems to be no rush to fix it. No one seems to care that I just sit here day after day unable to do anything and unable to even doing the training, now I am on the floor unable to do anything and to be tossed right on the phone as soon as I am able to with no training. May others were saying the same things. We all said it isn’t the trainer either it is the way it is set up half of the training or what you would think would be part of training is not here, the systems are down you can’t get into it and as we said it takes days or weeks to get back into them. I said this don’t work like this. They say they are going to fix things but I don’t think they will they know how it is. This is a global company they have been doing this stuff for years if they wanted decent training then they could have it. They just don’t want to deal with it.

The one guy told them that we had 48 hours of down time if not more where we just sat and chatted with the people around us. They spend over $30,000 in two weeks just in our pay. You would think that they would want to make sure we knew what we were doing and not having to keep stopping have the costumer wait because we didn’t learn that hold on. I told my friend she was like all my god this is crazy.

{October 19, 2017}   I Fucked Up

I can not believe what I have done. I had two exams to take for one of my classes that were due today. Well I was going to do them last night but didn’t get a chance to and figured no big deal I would get them after work this evening. I just finished eating and sat down to do them, I logged in and they are locked I can’t get into them. I don’t know how but it completely slipped my mind that I had to have them done by the AM today. They were due at 7:30 this morning. Every class I have but this one is due that night by 11:5 pm. His class is the only one that I have ever had that is that way. Between dealing with work and trying to get everything worked out I never even thought of it. Now even if I made a perfect score on everything and I know there is no way I will make a perfect score on everything I still will not pass the class. I feel so sick right now I think I am going to puke. I emailed the teacher and just told him I really messed up I just started this job, I knew they were due today but just was not thinking about what time until I just sat down to do them and couldn’t get in. I ask if there was anyway at all I could do them and get them into him tomorrow that I would get them as soon as I got off work tomorrow evening. I just pray really hard that he lets me do it and gives me until tomorrow evening to get them done.

I need to get so things done tomorrow for work so I am going to be getting off early if I even go in. I will try to get them done sooner but I do not know how long everything is going to take me. I can not believe this I am so mad, I am ready to just give up because I can’t get everything I need to get done, done. I am so stressed with everything going on I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I need to finish because I cam this far and am so close but it is causing so much stress. I keep thinking that if I just get through it I could get a better job but I just don’t know if I can. Work says school comes first but then when I say I need to do this or that for school they get made. Even though I am still sitting there doing nothing but looking at the wall and can’t do anything they get mad. You would think they would be happy that I wanted to take off and do things they wouldn’t have to pay me to sit there and do nothing but they don’t care. Before they were making people go home.

{October 18, 2017}   Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I started this new job a couple weeks ago and there has been a few guys there talking to me and one that is a little odd. The odd one is one of the bosses/leads. From day one every time I turned around he was right there on top of me, once it scared me I did’t expect anyone to be there. I was talking to someone beside me and reach to get something off my desk he was just standing there looking at me. He ask me to come to the front for something. I went up and he wanted to look my number up. Everyone else in the class was called up over the mic on the computer or just called for them to come up. There was a ton of other stuff like that we had to go up for and things we didn’t even need to go up there for. He would make it a point to come to the back of the room to find me and tell me he needed me here or there or this or that from me. I found it very odd, someone else even said why didn’t he just call you up or tell you that. Like the one thing we written right no my note pad he was standing there looking at when he walked up to my desk. He could of written it down or ask me if I had it. I didn’t need it looked up. Then he called me over to tell me what days and hours that were open I could pick from. I told him I was trying to do school and things asking about working around it. He told me what he could and couldn’t do and then told me just talk to them in a week or so to try and get things changed. He said he could’t do it right now but he was leaving me in good hands and he was going to make sure they knew about me and who I was and to try and make whatever I needed happen. He said if need be to get a hold of him or have them get a hold of him if they couldn’t. He is from the office south of us and said he had to go back down there. He was gone a day or two and has been back here. Now we are in a different room with a lot more people and a lot more leads and things walking around and seeing what is going on he hasn’t said to much to me but just looks at me when he walks by.

I said something to the guy I been talking to from the shop about it the first couple nights. I was talking to him and a friend. He said tell him to leave you alone, do I need to come down there and take care of it? I said no he hasn’t done anything out of the way or anything wrong for say to complain or say anything about it is just the way he is it just gives me a funny feeling but I was trying to be nice unless he did something he shouldn’t or uncalled for. Then I would have no problem saying something. I don’t know I been watching him I can’t figure him out. I don’t know if he is just awkward socially or what, but why come look for me and the stuff he said when giving me my hours and things. Everyone else said he just told them this is what there is you can put in for and you will know in a week or so if you have it. He told me this is what I have open whatever you want out of it is yours, this is all I can do for now but we will work on it. I even ask him is this a shift bid or can I count on it? He said no count on it your not bidding. But then he told everyone else they were bidding.

The first few days we were in one room then moved to another for some reason. There was some girl sitting beside me I wasn’t thrilled about her but I got there late that day when they moved so I was stuck sitting where was left. The next night I came in and there was a guy sitting there instead of the girl. I liked where I sat just not who was sitting next me and the other computers were pretty much full or next to people already on the phones. I didn’t want to be with the people on the phones so I went back and sat next to him. We have been sitting next to each other since. He is funny we have about the same since of humor and said back there laughing our asses off most the night. A few times we got in trouble because he didn’t have his mic on mute and everyone could hear him. The lead is like um you all might want to make sure your on mute before you have your conversations. We just laugh more.  A few times he said I am so glad you just laugh at the crap I say and not look at me like oh my god or something. now someone sits in between us, no clue why they would do that (Smirks).

He been talking to me and asking me where is good to go for this and that and to go out. He just got here a few months ago. Friday I said something about wanting to go out, he said where are we going? I said something about not being sure or waiting to see what someone was doing or something. He said where are we going to go? I just said I was supposed to be going with a guy from my other job. He said well if you change your mind. Today he was asking me if I was going to text or call him. I said no I just wanted to know if he was on the phone for work. He said well shit just pop my bubble. They other week we were talking about something and he said you know that song blah blah. I said no he was telling me how it went said sure you do. I said no that is one I haven’t heard before. He said how OLD are you? I told him and he looked like his eyes were going to fall out of his head, he said let me get my walker and bengay and find the 8 track so I can play it for you. I laughed I said oh 8 tracks I know what those are I have played them before. We laughed. Then later we were talking and something he said I guess he is about 50 or 52. I would have never guessed it, I thought 40’s but not close to 50 or even 50.

He the one that has helped me get in my truck when I locked my keys in. Monday I get to work and we go on our first break and he says I locked my keys in the car. I laughed and said no you didn’t? He said yes I did and I left my clicker at home, I don’t even know why I locked it I never do. I said I will hold the back open so you can crawl through and unlock it!! He said um yeah no, that isn’t going to open anyway. I said well the only other thing I have to offer is I have this nifty little tool in my door that if you tap the window with it…..He just looked at me and shook his head. I would of offered to take him home to get his key but I was leaving early and would have had to leave really early and he would of had to as well. The other guy we been talking to said he would run him home and bring him back. He lives about 30 miles away or so. If he hadn’t offered I would of seen if I could get them to send someone from the shop to open it if they had the things to do it with. I did tell him if he could find something to reach in there with I could probably open it. I have watched the guys do it and it isn’t hard.

The other guy has been poking around asking questions and things but hasn’t said a lot. But you can tell, by the questions he asking he trying to get information.

It’s like the ones that want to do something are one’s I’m not interested in or way older than what I am looking for and the ones I am interested in are scared.

My “friend” from before I have been talking to all these years messaged me the other day. But I am not into anything more with him. I was before but not really now. Haven’t been in a while. I know if I go back there with stuff he knows now and comments he has mad in the past he is going to start trying to take it back around to us getting together and being more. I don’t want to go there with him and have that talk. I am just ready to move on from everyone I know or have known and look for something new.

Like my friend said the guy from the shop says he is nerves around me and he don’t know why. Like I told her you know what I am scared to death of everyone after everything I been through but I’m still putting myself out there and for what to just be done the way that I have so far. They all want to talk and when it comes time for actions disappear. We are all adults we all have issues and baggage,  but we are well into this thing called life. It is time to deal with them and move on or open your mouth speak up say something and go from there. Not talk shit and disappear. If you aren’t going to put no actions with them words don’t bother to even go there and start like your interested. I am ready to go back into my hole and stay by myself. It sucks because I was doing really good to and had got past the freaking out going into the avoid forget it don’t even talk to them like I was a while back when I first thought maybe I would like to meet someone. I said to her, I am not looking to rush into something, jump into anything or whatever you want to say. I am looking for someone to talk to, go out with now and then when we are both free or what. I have to much shit going on I am not going to be stuck in someone’s ass 24/7 nor do I want them in mine 24/7. I’m not looking for sex or to get into that kind of relationship right now even, just really get to know someone see how we really feel about each other if we do and if we want anything more than friends. If I was just out for sex I could get that any day of the week that I decided to and probably from a different person. Not that is a good thing and I’m not like that and it isn’t what I want or I wouldn’t have been alone all this time. I find it kind of amusing but at the same time I’m just like fuck it, I’m not playing games or waiting around forever.

The other week when I started my job we were talking and I was at work he was at a football game I think. He said something about going home. I said at least you get to go home I have hours to go and won’t get home until after midnight. He said yeah A lone. I said well you don’t have to. He said what do you mean? I said you could go out somewhere and find someone to go home with or to take home. He said I did but she is working really hard the next two weeks so I will just have to wait. I said oh really now? He said what? I said nothing and we talked some. But then Friday when I could get out again he ended up not going again. It’s like what the fuck are you doing? What do you want or do you want anything? I haven’t said anything to him. I know he is going through some things too but like I said before don’t talk this shit then nothing. I decided I am not messaging him or nothing see if he does me or how long it takes him to. I haven’t heard from him at all today. I messaged him after work yesterday and ask how his arm was and if he went to get it checked out. He got a spider bite Friday I guess at work. He said yes and we talked a little but then nothing today. I am just going to wait and see if or when he says something. I’m going be at the shop tomorrow or Friday I might say something to him then. I told my friend I can make him nerves, she said how and I told her flash him lol. She said do it, but I won’t because there are cameras and things up there all over the place. I got to get off here and go to bed, I have two mid terms to do tomorrow and I have to apply for graduation so I can walk and get my certificates in December. I think I am going to take half day off at my new job tomorrow so I can go do my test and take care of that. They said school comes first and I still can’t do anything but sit there so.

{October 16, 2017}   Sleeping Beauty’s…..Nerves

Last night I seen an advertisement for the mail review on the casino boat out here by me and sent it to my friend and her aunt and told them we should go this Friday. I could take all the kids to my friends for her daughters to watch and go, we have not been out in a long time together. Last time we went on the boat we had fun and they didn’t even have the review than.

Later when I got off work I called her on my way home and she said so and so is going to go with us? At first I couldn’t understand what she was saying she said it again I thought she said some one else still. I said okay so we are going to go for real then? She said she didn’t know but if we went they were going to go. I said okay let me know we need to get tickets in the next day or two. She said oh why don’t you want to go? Are you afraid we will show our breast off and you will see them? I was like what? Who is she talking to now? Why would K be worried about what we may do? She probably be the ring leader ha ha. I said wait what? Where are you who are you talking to? Who is going with us? She then said she was at the shop and talking to Sleeping Beauty and he was. I said oh okay tell him come on then. We were joking around.

In a little bit she left and we were talking. She said he is so funny. She said you came up and we were talking and he said I don’t know what it is I get so nerves around her,  I like her but I just don’t know why I get so nerves when I talk to her or she is around. She said I think he really means it and really is. She started to tell me something else and then was at home and her sister from out of town was there to see her before they went back, they came in for the celebration of life yesterday and the kids have to get back to school and everything.

I don’t know why he would be, I found it pretty interesting. I want to know what else she was going to say but she has been busy i haven’t gotten to talk to her again. I still don’t want to sit around and play this game that we have oh lets do something, make plans and nothing or half make plans then decide he is busy. Like I told her the other night I have 4 kids at home if I want to play games I stay home and play games with them. I’m not going to keep doing this. We are adults here lets act like it. I’m going to ask him tomorrow so when are we going to make plans to not go out again, Sleeping Beauty? See what he says.

I said something the other day about him standing me up. He said I did not stand you up. I said oh really now you didn’t? What do you call it then? He avoided it and went on about something else then said I don’t know.

{October 16, 2017}   Sleeping Beauty

So, you know I have been talking to someone from work at the shop and he stood me up the other week. finally when I got a hold of him the next day he said he was sorry and that he was laying on the bed talking texting me and fell a sleep when we stopped talking. I now call him Sleeping Beauty. He was like I am so sorry I didn’t mean to fall a sleep, I was so tired was up late after working all day then repoed all day. I figure he must have because I know others that were trying to get a hold of him and couldn’t, they were asking me because they knew he was supposed to be with me. I just laughed told him he got scared, he says he isn’t scared. We have been talking still. I hadn’t been able to get out until this past Friday but then he had to work that night. I am not sure what to think about him. I wonder if he isn’t kind of scared, because we might get more on the subject of him and he isn’t wanting to, thinks that I may back away then. We talk and he has told me somethings but not a lot about his self or why he is where he is or anything like that. I know he has 5 kids that he says he can’t see and a grand-baby that isn’t that old. He told me about the baby the other weekend when I picked him up that morning and took him home. How his oldest had this baby and her mom or him either one didn’t know she was pregnant and she had it pretty early. She is in her teens. I said something about not hearing the boys laughing and giggling in the other room I thought they must of finally went to sleep. He made the comment he missed that. I ask how many kids he had, that is when he told me 5 but couldn’t see them. I ask why he said long story. We were texting and I didn’t push. I rather talk face to face about things like that. I did look him up and I wasn’t impressed with what I seen, I have not told him that I have looked him up. I just figured I wait until we were out and we were talking to see what he had to say about his past, kids, ex wife and things. He did tell me he was married I don’t know if he said once or twice now. But just little things here and there he tells or lets out when we will be talking about things. Like some how we got to talking something about weight and he said I use to be a big teddy bear. I said really, he said yeah and something about he wish he still was or liked it better when he was. I ask why he said he just feels strange now at the size he is. I said I was always small until I had kids and health problems and that although I didn’t care about how I looked or what others thought, that i was just very uncomfortable being bigger and don’t feel good when I am bigger. I feel so much better and more energy when I am smaller.

The things I seen when I looked him up I just don’t know about. My friend says she heard this and that about him and things. I said yes but he been in trouble x,y, and z times for the same thing. Not like it was a one time thing. I understand shit happens okay but a year or more apart and three times. I don’t know about that. He knows a lot about my past and what I went through with Father of The Year. And what I went through with RC, what I am going to school for, where I am doing my internship and all that. I wonder if he isn’t worried that when his past comes up I’m not going to stop talking to him and just act like he is a horrible person. I wouldn’t act like he was a horrible person or stop talking to him. But like I said in my other post, I am not sure where or if this is going anywhere or if I want it to. I won’t lie part of it is because of his past.

Oh and it was so funny we were talking about going out this weekend and he says to me, if we don’t go out this weekend don’t say anything to boss because he was pissed off at me last week. I said what? Why? Why does it matter what he knows? Thinking maybe the boss said something about us talking. I didn’t think so because when I was talking to my friend she said she asked him if he thought that he would be a decent guy or a good guy for me to go out with, and he said yes. He told her he was decent, good with kids, loved kids and how good he was with their son when he is at the shop and things. I couldn’t figure out why he would say that. I ask him what and why he still hasn’t said. I ask my friend or said something to her and she said she didn’t know what all was said. Just that she knew he said something to him about not doing me that way and standing me up and me and her being friends. I don’t know what was really said because he don’t tell her everything and he didn’t say he just said I will tell you later. I wonder if maybe he is worried about boss saying something if we did go out and something happen or we decided not to anymore. But if it is I don’t know why and would like to know if something was said. Because he shouldn’t be worried about boss saying anything about anything between us. I wouldn’t expect him to or think he should just because we are all friends. Whatever happens or don’t happen is between me and him outside work nothing to do with work. Other than everyone knows we are talking. But that is a given, I am not even sure how they all know unless he has said something to them about it or in front of them other than the one he lives with he has probably talked to him and I know he did talk to boss but that is it. But the other one lives with the boss so he has probably heard if him and my friend were talking about it or what. Who knows everyone knows everyone’s business around here. I really don’t care anymore. I also wonder if part of it is because he has said something about coming back here and watching a move or having some drinks and I have basically told him he can’t. Whatever we do has to be away from my house because of the kids, I made the comment to my friend that I didn’t want him meeting my kids anytime soon or them knowing about him. I know she said something to her husband about it. It came up later when she was telling me that she ask him what he thought about the guy from work and me and if he be okay. She told him I didn’t want anyone meeting the kids and things and he said yeah but all that might change or will change if I meet someone that I really cared about or was interested in and things. I said no it wouldn’t because my kids have been through enough with their dad, and RC. They don’t need to be brought into something that I have no idea where it is going or if it is going anywhere. He has told me he would come and help me do things around the house and she has said I should ask him about helping with a few things. But then the kids would be here. I said that is fine, he can come over to the house to help with stuff, he can meet my kids even. But that is it, he is there as a friend from work that is helping get something taken care of around the house nothing more. They do not have to know we are talking or if we are anything more than friends. My “friend” that I have had for years and baby sat his kid and everything else for has been to my house, I have taken him places given him rides to work and everything else. My kids or his kid has no clue we are anything more than friends. We don’t have to be all over each other or holding hands, kissing, hugging or anything like that if he is he fixing things or even if he came over for dinner or to watch a movie or something. They know that I have friends that come help with things or to just hangout sometimes. I use to have friends over to do things all the time for me I would cook them dinner for helping or fixing whatever it was or buy smokes for them. Sometimes they would hang out and play cards or watch a move. It would be nothing new to them and I wasn’t talking to or seeing any of them. Just like my little one telling me he was looking for a new daddy or that we needed a new daddy. I don’t need to bring someone around from the first time we go out not knowing if or where it is going to go when they are in that frame of mind. It just cause more problems if it don’t work out or what. Why I say 8 months or so down the road things are good we may talk bout telling the kids.

I better get off here it is after 130 in the morning I have to be up and at work by 9 and get little one to school before hand. It is going to be a long day.

et cetera
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