{November 30, 2017}   Day 5 Black and White Challenge

Day 5 black and white photo challenge. Post a black and white photo for the next 7 days. No people no comment or explanation just a photo. Then challenge someone new every day.

{November 28, 2017}   Day 4 Black and White Challenge

Day 4 black and white photo challenge. Post a black and white photo for the next 7 days. No people no comment or explanation just a photo. Then challenge someone new every day. If you want to do the challenge join in and let me know you did so I can stop by and see what you have posted. I am not going to call out people it’s just easier this way.

{November 27, 2017}   Not Safe Anywhere

I took my kids out of public school about 4 years ago for many reasons and have not put them back because of where they would go if they went back now. They go to a small private school that is like a little one room school house with about 13 or so kids. They have been there the last two years and we really like it, it’s like a family the kids all talk and know each other, they do family lunches and parties and things.

Today after the kids got home I received a text from the owner of the school. She asked me to ask my oldest if one of the other students said anything at lunch about bringing a gun or gas to school. I called her in and ask her if anything was said and she said yes he said he was going to bring a gun to school and kill himself. I ask her if he said anything about gas or anything else and she said no. I felt sick and was in shock as soon as she said it. I text her back and told her yes and what she said he was saying. She said damn thank you so much and that was it.

I have no idea what they are going to do about it or who told them about it. My oldest said that there was her and the other two older students besides him there. I figure one of them told her what was said and they were asking the others at the table what was said or if it was said. She didn’t say what was going to be done about it or anything else. Just asked and said okay.

I know this family has been in the school a long time and are close to them. I also know that they do not always do things just how they are supposed to be done. I do not know if they are just going to go to his parents and try to handle it that way or if they are going to report it like they should and let it be handled that way or if they are going to tell the family they are reporting it so they can figure out what to say or what. I know they are going to say they can’t tell me anything if I ask just that they needed to know what was said.

I wasn’t sure if it was county or city where the school is, I thought county but then was thinking about the one time that the police had to be called and who was there. Thinking of who was there I thought it was city so I called the police department and ask they said it was their area. I told her I wanted to make a report she said I could come in or they could have an officer come out to me. I told her I would just come in because I was not at that address, I was at home.

Of course by the time I got there they were closed so I had to wait to get in and then wait for an officer to come off the street to talk to me. One guy came in not sure what he was there and ask what was going on? I told him what happen what was said and that I felt it needed to be reported. He said he would get a paper for me to fill out to make the report and they would get on it and see what they could find out. I let him know that the student in question was between 18 and 20 that I thought he was closer to 20. He said so it isn’t a student? I told him no it is buy they have special needs kids there and kids with different things and that they can stay in school until they are 22. He went brought back the paper and an officer who had come in. She asked me more about it. I filled out the report and she was saying she didn’t know how to find out where the student lived with school being closed and us not having an address. The other guy said he is an adult so we can run him see if he has anything else or if comes up some way. She said it is an adult? I said yes and told her they take all kids and things. She said oh ah yeah we are going to get right on this we are going to do everything we can to make contact with him before tomorrow and see what we can do and what is going on. Make sure that nothing is brought to school.

As I sit here and write this I just had a phone call saying that they could not find anyone and get an address for him and wanted to know if I had any kind of emergency contact information for the school in case something was wrong or anything. I gave her the cell phone number I have. I guess we will see what happens from here. My kids are not going to school tomorrow. I am not sure they will be going back the rest of the week. Not until I know what ends up being done over this. I feel he should not be allowed to come back to school but I do not know what the school will decide. Until they do and tell me and tell me what they are doing to make sure that nothing happens I am not sending my kids back there. I am ready to pull them out and go back to homeschooling with them. I can order the same work they are doing right now and let them do it at home. I just may end up doing that.

{November 27, 2017}   If I Ever Hurt You

Tonight before I picked up Sleeping Beauty ( I need to find a new name for him) when I was cooking and we were texting he said can I ask you a question? I said yeah. I have nothing to hide from him so why not, he says that sometimes can I ask you a question? I am thinking if I say no what are you going to say and why do you think you have to ask me if you can ask me? So then he says what we talk about and do stays between us right? I said yeah he just said okay.

Then later when I picked him up we were riding around and talking and it came up that he wasn’t working tomorrow. He said that why I asked if the bosses wife knew about me coming over to help you this weekend and things. I said well she knew we talk but I don’t go telling her all your business and things that we talk about. I said she knew that you were coming to help me do that and that is all that was said. He said did she know I didn’t come? I said she asked me if we got one or were able to do what needed to be done and I told her you were pretty sick and that I told you I would take you to the hospital to get checked out or what if you wanted to go so she knew we didn’t do anything. But it isn’t a big deal or anything why?

He said I just wondered if maybe that is why he told me not to come into work tomorrow thinking I wasn’t really sick or it wasn’t that big of a deal or something. I said what why would you think that? I said I don’t think so because when me and her were talking about it I told her you were bad so I did’t expect you to come things happen.

He then said that when the boss first found out he liked me or we were talking or what, the boss told him that he had better not hurt me, or do anything to hurt me or to me. He said he told him if he did he would regret it or something like that and it would be the end of his job. He said that isn’t right my job should’t have anything to do with that. He said yeah well something about who I was and something about what I been through and things.

He said what if we date and decide to just go our separate ways or whatever it isn’t really anyone’s fault? Said he told him it didn’t matter he just better not do anything to hurt me or be playing no games or what. I said he knows what I been through that I was done very dirty and wrong. He knows that I do whatever I have to and make things happen and how I have been done, but no your job should not be on the line over any of it. I said I am surprised he said anything like that and you didn’t get an ear full about how I am or how I do and things. I said because it seems that everyone knows me rather I have met them or not someone has told them something. He said nope he just said I better not hurt you or put you through shit not to be playing no games.

He was saying all this it all kind of clicked that hum this is why he is kind of stand offish at times and I don’t hear from him then he is back around. Not all of why but part of why and why I have gotten some of the comments I have gotten and things. I think he is trying to decide what to do if us talking and getting closer possibly is something he wants to risk if it means his job on the line or what. But he must of decided he didn’t care or wasn’t worried about it because we have been out together the last two weekends and I am supposed to pick him up tomorrow after I drop the kids at school. I want to ask him more about it tomorrow.

It kind of pissed me off and kind of surprised me at the same time. Because it is like who is he to threaten him or say anything to anyone that I am talking to employee or not. But then at the same time it’s like it’s nice to know that someone cares an is kind of looking out, kind of like a big brother or a friend. But to say his job is on the line over it is kind of taking it a little far. I don’t know if I should say anything or just let it go. He is looking out for me and the kids I know.

{November 27, 2017}   A Night At The Beach

The kids have been on my nerves today, I was so tired and had to just get out for a while. I cooked dinner and and was working on my school work. My friend messaged me and I talked to him for a little bit. I told him I was running away I had to get out for a while. He asked where I was going I told him I didn’t know and ask if he wanted to go. He said yeah to let him know when I got ready to leave he would get ready. I finished everything told the kids I was going to get the stuff for lunches and look for a gift I needed to pick up.

I picked him up and we rode around for a little bit. I then went and parked by the pear, we went and walked down the beach and talked, we sat down and talked for a while longer and left. We talked about a little bit of everything and just joked around mostly. We were walking back down the beach and some how age came up and he said how old are you anyway? I told him 37 in December. He said whoa what? I said yep how old did you think I was? He said I don’t know at least like closer to 40. I laughed and ask him how old he was? He said he was 44, I thought he was 43 so I really wasn’t surprised.

After that we went to the store and walked around shopped and talked. I said something to him about what he wanted in life what he wanted to do in life? He said the store wasn’t really the place to have that talk. I said why not we are just walking around talking. He said well I don’t really have plans I don’t have anyone to make them with I don’t like doing things on my own or alone. I said you have to get use to doing things on your own and just live make your plans and then figure out what you want once you meet someone. He didn’t say much after that.

After we left the store he asked me to stop at the place so he could grab something to eat. We ended up sitting there in line forever. I said something to him about what he wanted again he said I don’t have like set plans to do this or that or anything that I want to do. He said I just want to find someone to be with who isn’t going to leave and who isn’t going to be in it for what they can get and just walk away. He said I want someone who knows what a relationship is and is supposed to be and what love mean because it seems that no one knows what that means anymore or what it is to be in a relationship with one person. I said yeah I know how that is. He said I get with someone and I just do and do and give and give and forget about myself and then I end up alone in the end. He said I am tired of being alone I just want to be with someone and enjoy my life. He has been married twice I know and then I think the last girl he was with he was with for a little while. But I am not sure what happen between them.

We talked some more and I took him and dropped him off. I am supposed to pick him up after I drop the kids off at school tomorrow. For some reason he got a text from the boss saying not to come in tomorrow. He asked me if I knew what it was about I told him no I didn’t. He said he didn’t either, because he knew there was work to be done. The only thing I could think of was maybe because he was sick the other day and they don’t want him coming to the shop and making everyone sick but I don’t know.

{November 27, 2017}   Day 3 Black and White Challenge

Day 3 black and white photo challenge. Post a black and white photo for the next 7 days. No people no comment or explanation just a photo. Then challenge someone new every day.


{November 26, 2017}   Putting Up Christmas Decorations

Last weekend when me and my friend from the shop went out I asked him if he would help me and the kids get our outside Christmas stuff up this weekend? He said he could do that. It came up a couple times this week so I knew he was going to do it or still had it in mine we were suppose to do it. I messaged him Friday to see if he wanted to go shopping, he said he had to do some side work to make up for not working the two days and his phone bill coming out of his check this week as well. Later I messaged him and ask if he was still going to be able to help me and he said yes Saturday. I told him I was just tying to plan and get things together.

I forgot to pay my phone yesterday and it went off sometime in the night or early this morning. I knew he was supposed to come over so I messaged him from the kids phone and told him it was me I hadn’t paid my bill, to message me on their phone when he was ready to come over. I told him I would probably pay my phone when I went out to pick him up. I ended up taking the boys and my oldest out to do their Christmas shopping and stopped and paid my phone bill. I messaged told him I had it turned back on but still never heard from him. I later text him and ask him if he was still coming over today? He text back and said he was going to try to. I asked him what he was up to or something and he said he was really sick. He said it was pretty bad, worse than kidney stones. I told him he should probably get checked out, he said maybe. We talked a little more I said maybe it was his gallbladder. He said he hoped not. I asked him if he had gotten sick? He said all night. I told him if he wanted to go get checked out I would give him a ride. He said thanks. I knew then we weren’t going to do it, I didn’t expect him to.

I sent him a message a little while ago but he didn’t reply, I figure he is sleeping if he stopped getting sick and was able to since he had been up all night. I just text him told him if he was feeling better in the morning and wanted to get out to get a hold of me, I am going to be going to the flea markets around. I am looking for a gift for my oldest for Christmas I think she will like. I told him what time I want to leave and everything. I figure if he is feeling better and don’t have plans then maybe we could do the stuff outside when we get back.

I told my friend wait until father of the year comes by and see’s we have our Christmas stuff up. He going to be going who did that? How did she get that stuff up on her own? He has always done it with the kids and put them up since we moved here and when we were in our other house. My friend said she hoped he came by and seen my friend from work and the kids putting it all p together. Either way I hope it makes him feel like shit and he thinks about what his kids said about him and thinks about someone else doing the things he did with them and the fact that they don’t really need him either.

{November 26, 2017}   Black and White Challenge Day 2

I know I just posted day one, but I posted it a little late.

I don’t want to get behind as I am doing this on two sites.

Day 2 black and white photo challenge. Post a black and white photo for the next 7 days. No people no comment or explanation just a photo. Then challenge someone new every day.
I challenge socialworkerangela, I Am My Own Island


Here are the rules

Post a black and white picture of your life, no explanation, no people in the picture.

Then challenge a new person everyday.

I challenge—— manyofus1980¬†Therapy Bits


{November 25, 2017}   How Do You Trust Again?

How do you get that courage? How do you get to the point of trusting again? I thought I was at a point I could trust again but now I am second guessing myself a lot. I am still talking to the guy from work and I find myself questioning things a lot. I don’t feel that anything is wrong but then my mind goes is that really what he is doing, maybe he is doing this instead, why isn’t he doing this or that? I keep telling myself to take what he says at face value and not to look to much into it because he hasn’t given me a reason and that we are just friends or talking and that he is dealing with and going through a lot and that is the reason he is doing things he is. But then in my mind I am going but what if you are just making excuses for him, what if he is lying, then how are you going to look, how are you going to feel, what is going to happen?

But it isn’t only him it is friends, family, kids, strangers, I feel like I can’t trust anyone. I feel like I spend all my time questioning others and looking for their motives as to why they are doing or saying what they are, what are they getting out of it wanting out of it. Even if they really aren’t or it isn’t a big deal or matter.

Like they guy at work I have gotten so mad at him a few times for things that were said or done and I have to stop myself and think wait he isn’t so and so, that isn’t what he meant, he didn’t mean it that way. I wasn’t this way before but since being with Father of the year, dealing with my friend that did what she and RC. Seems that something always sends alarms off that’s what so and so did, that is what so and so said, that sounds like so and so.

I just keep thinking that if I don’t change this I am going to really mess things up with people that I don’t want to mess things up with. I don’t want to mess things up with my friend that I have stared talking to again. I don’t want to mess things up with the guy from work I have been talking to because I do like him as a friend if nothing else. I have caught myself say things a few times or about to say something and had to stop myself with him and others.

I hate feeling this way and always looking at people this way. I use to not be this way with people I was friends and was close to. I find myself doing it with friends I haven’t even had problems with. I just want to trust unless I have a reason not to. I don’t want to second guess everything all the time but I don’t want to be so trusting that I let to much slide and end up like I did in the past with ones that have screwed me. How do you find the balance and trust but not over trust?

et cetera
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