{November 23, 2017}   Happy Thanksgiving

Hope that everyone has a blessed day with friends and family.

{November 22, 2017}   What They Are Thankful For

Every year this time my kids have to do their Fall Writes on what they are thankful for. My youngest and oldest had me in tears with what they wrote right in the start of their papers. I had to share.

This is my oldest son 12 years old.



This one is my Little Guy 7 years old


This is my oldest daughters 13 years old

{November 20, 2017}   Nice Car

Tonight me and the girls went to the store to grab something for dinner and a few things we needed. I went to park where I normally do and it was full so I went around and parked in a different area of the lot. We went in and killed some time looking at toys and a few things before we went to get our stuff, trying to avoid someone who’s car we seen in the parking lot.

I came out and put Little Bitty in while my oldest loaded the couple bags of things we had. I open my door and got in and noticed a paper sticking up on my windshield. I still had the parking papers on my dash from where we went to the fair I thought it was one of them. I was about to say to my oldest as she got in that someone had been in the truck and was turning around to look in the very back and the back seat. As I turned I noticed that the papers were still laying there where they were. I then thought it was a reflection of them but I seen in the reflection it said nice car on it. I was like what? The light in the lot was shining right in the the windshield so it was hard to tell really. I figured out it was on the outside so I got out and took it off. It said nice car if you want to sell or trade give me a call and left a phone number on it.

My first thought was the guy who owns the body shop and a local car lot in the area. He has been trying to get my truck for about a year now. He has asked me about it a few times. Once when the front end was all messed up on it again when I was calling around about paint jobs and another time. When I called about paint job he knew what truck I was talking about right away he ask me if it was this or that before I could even tell him what kind or anything. So he has been watching and knows my truck. I find it kind of thinking about it now. I want and want it painted, I thought that maybe if I was able to get another I would make a deal with him to paint my new one for a trade of my old one for payment or something like that. He has three on his lot right now that I would like to go look at but I don’t have the money. I thought at the time I was going to have this job it was going to be decent I was going to get paid and with in a couple months I could be caught up, paid a lawyer and replace my truck.

When I got home I went to look the number up and see if I could find out who it was. When I looked at it to see what it was I noticed it was not a local area code. When I looked it up its hours away from me, down south of me. But just said it was a cell phone. Then I went over to facebook and looked it up. I seen someone said a while back you could put numbers in and they would come up sometimes. Sure enough it came up with a guy local but was not who I was expecting it to be at all. He is a sales guy at a local large dealership close by here. I do not think I am going to follow up o it right now. I know if they run any kind of report on it they are going to buy it. I also know they are not going to give me enough to buy another one out right or trade me out right and I can’t get into payments.

It’s crazy the last three trucks this one and the two before it everyone stops me and wants to buy it. I have been stopped in gas stations, parking lots, school and all over and asked about selling my trucks or trading them.

{November 20, 2017}   A Nice Time Out

Yesterday I text Sleeping Beauty from the shop and ask what he was up to, how the day was going? I didn’t hear back for a while then he text at said things were going shitty. He had been working and just got home. I asked him if he would like to come over he said yeah he was getting in the shower. He let me know when he got out was ready. I told him I was thinking about taking the kids to dinner, he said okay. I think he thought I wasn’t going to come, I told him he could come if he wanted too. I think he thought I wasn’t going to pick him up since we were going. I talked to the kids about going out and they all wanted something different, I tried to get them all to pick one place they all wanted to go our could agree on but they all still wanted something different and couldn’t decide on one place. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with them fighting or the ones that didn’t get to go where they wanted to pouting. I finally told them they could all have whatever they wanted but I was picking it up bringing it back here and they could eat it here. They were all happy with that idea. I went picked him up he came back here for a little bit why I did somethings. Then jumped in the shower, they were starting to get hungry so I left and went to get what they wanted. One wanted Stake and Shake, one wanted MC Donald’s and the other two agreed to chines. He was like wait what are you doing? Where are you going? I said her for this one over there for that one and then here on the way home for the older two. He said everyone gets something different? I said not normally but sometimes as a treat I will let them. I said it has been a while since we have been out everyone wants something different and this point they are agree it is fine to pick it all up and eat at home so I am good with it. He laughed and ask what I was eating? I said I don’t know I am getting them settled and then decide.

Little Bitty went with us when we left she has this thing about me leaving and thinking I am not coming back now. She been this way since before we had the talk about not having a daddy at home and things. I keep telling her I promise I will come home I will not leave her. We were in line getting the last of the food and she said something, I told her I was talking her and all the food home and going to go out. She got upset I told her I had to go get me something to eat that trying to hurry and get their food because she was so hungry I hadn’t gotten anything yet. He told her that she couldn’t go this time but next time she could go. She told him two he said what we have two hours? I think we could be home in two hours should be time to eat. I said she just says two it could be two hours, two day or two weeks she has no idea yet she just says stuff. He laughed. We got home she was saying something, he told her again to go in be good that she could go next time anywhere that she wanted they all could go. He said want to go to chuckie cheese we can all go there next time. I am shaking my head no because once you tell her something she will ask from now on every time she thinks of it not just him when he she see’s him but me all the time as well. He said what you don’t like there? I said it is fine she don’t know what it is she hasn’t been. He said oh we will fix that. I got them settled with their food and we left.

We went out sat down and had something to eat and talked some. It seemed like it took forever getting something to eat. They waiter despaired and didn’t come back I finally after 30 or 40 minutes maybe more of not seeing him and not having a check I had to ask for one and they still couldn’t find him and someone else finally had to get it. I didn’t talk much mostly just listen to him. And his roommate was blowing up his phone mad about money and things because part of the problem is he is waiting to be paid for a job he help the roommate do months ago and he will not pay him so he just didn’t pay the money he owed for rent this week and told him to take it out of that. He hit the roof and was mad and kept blowing up his phone wanting to know where he was and who he was with everything. I said oh well I don’t care if he knows I have nothing to hide and it is none of anyone’s business. If they say something to me about us being out or whatever I have no problem telling them it is none of their business if and what I feel is theirs I will let them know but not to hold their breath waiting because I do not see anything ever being anything they need to know.

I drove up to the dock where I use to go sit by the water and when we got there it is all fenced off and we couldn’t get to it. I guess from the storm it got damaged and they have to fix it. It went way out in the water and had a bunch of little docks or what off to the sides that you could go out on and sit or fish so everyone wasn’t lined up in the way. We walked around there by the water for a little bit and talked and joked around and then drove around for a while. I finally dropped him off about 10:50. I got a few miles up the road and go pulled over for swerving. The truck is messed up and pulls to that side then I looked down to see something on my phone. I thought it was a cop behind me and was trying to tell and couldn’t then thought it wasn’t but then about the time I decided it wasn’t I was wrong it was. I text him said I got pulled over. He was like really where oh no let me know what happens.

I figured they were going to make me to test and all that to see if I was drunk, the guy walked up I was getting my license out he ask me if I knew why he pulled me over I told him yes. He ask me why I told him I looked down at my phone I was trying to check on my kids see what they needed. He said something else and ask me about my address where I lived he had me off the other direction. I told him he ask me where I was coming from? I told him I dropped him off at his house and was on my way home. He then ask me what was wrong I told him nothing. He wanted to know how much I had, had to drink? I said I haven’t had anything to drink at all. He took my stuff went back to his car and in no time he was back with a paper. I just knew he was going to tell me he was giving me a ticket or had to test me. He said here is a warning now watch the road not your phone and get on your way.

I was going to go to the store but after that I just went home. I was tired too and having a hard time seeing, I didn’t want to get pulled again. It was nice to just get out and relax have someone to talk to go somewhere with other than just shopping or with my friend and her kids or all the kids.

When we were riding around I asked him what he was doing next weekend? He said he was going to go to one of the stores to get a pair of boots but he didn’t know if he was now because of different things. He ask why? I told him the kids wanted to put up their Christmas stuff and that I need that wood put together because I could probably do it but, it wouldn’t be good it was one of them things that I just rather not do because it turn into a mess. He laughed he said yeah he could come help with that and I said I need to get the lights on the roof too. He said that was fine. He said let him know when I got home so I did and we were texting. I said I was disappointing that the dock was closed I liked going out there and sitting it was so relaxing. He said that was okay we could find one to sit on this weekend. He said I have to hang Christmas lights you know. I said yes and don’t forget build a manger too. He laughed said yes he would do that too.

The kids said something about him, I said he works at the shop with me he is just a friend, he is going through somethings and having problems with his roommate so he just wanted to get out of the house and talk for a bit. I said he just like My other friend and some others they know. They said oh okay. I said he isn’t busy he said he would help with the Christmas stuff too. They weren’t sure what to think about that. I think they wanted to be excited but then had the thought that there dad wasn’t going to be here to do it with them or bother to come do it with them. NOt that I want him to or probably would let him at this point because I don’t want him around. I said if things don’t change he is supposed to come this weekend but he may have to work of if something comes up he may not be able to. Because what he says now and what he does I never know. But I figure he probably do it. He loves kids and doing things with them and for them so unless something really happens he probably will.

{November 19, 2017}   Can I Come Over?

As if I wasn’t stressed and in a bad mood already I get a text from the guy I talk to from work. We don’t talk like we did when we first started talking we talk here and there but that is it really. We have talked some through the week and yesterday we were all standing around the shop talking for a long time while they were working and trying to get things done before the weekend. But then last night I text him because I thought of something I wanted to ask him. I just text hey and he said laying down. I said okay and didn’t send anything back. I though it was odd because most the time he talk he is always laying down or in his room when he is home. Things are not going good there still just getting worse so he stays in there most the time. But then someone picked him up from work yesterday one of the guys said something about his girlfriend or what. I don’t care because we haven’t really been talking anything like that in a while. When he didn’t say anything back I figured he was with her or she was over so I never said anything.

Then about 5 tonight I have the house flipped upside down and tore to hell trying to get everything fixed and straight here once and for all. I get a test that says what are you doing tonight? I just said nothing, right away I get a test back that says can I come over? I looking around me thinking of all times you want to come over now is when you want to come over. I said um when? Why? and sent then sent a laughing thing. He didn’t answer for a bit I said what’s up? I am trying to figure out if he is on his way here for some reason, if he is wanting me to come get him like right now or soon or what. He still didn’t answer, I finally said I don’t care if you come over do you need a ride? He then said he was still at work. I guess that is why he was taking so long to answer. I know there was a to do about work today and things have not been going great there lately either because of the way things are where he is staying. It’s a guy from the shop who’s house he is staying at. They aren’t getting along at home or work now. I ask him if he would help me move something when he came over he said yes. I told him to let me know when he got off, I still didn’t know what was going on why he wanted to come over, how he was getting here or nothing. But I didn’t message him anymore because I knew he was at work and I just don’t mess with people when they are at work. I know he can use his phone as long as they aren’t on it all day or what.

Couple hours later I ask him what he was doing why they were working so late. He said he just got home was having a drink with the guy next store. I said nice I been fighting the erg to drink since about 10 am. He said come over. I told him I could’t he was supposed to be coming over here and he didn’t say anything. In few minutes I decided to take a ride and pick up some pallets someone was giving away so the kids can hopefully do their Christmas decorations they do. I wanted to go get them because when people have them they snatch them up for bonfires and things. I messaged him ask him if he wanted to take a ride. I figured he could get the 3rd seat out of my truck and help me load them. He ask where to and said he hadn’t even gotten a shower yet. I said to X and told him why. That I wasn’t leaving my house for at least 20 minutes or more. I was cooking dinner for the kids and I wanted to finish it and get them sat down to eat. He said if I can stand up because he was drinking fast. I said well stop and get your ass ready and laughed. He never responded never responded in a little bit, didn’t respond when I ask if he was going or when I called him. I figured maybe he was in the shower, I went to get gas because I didn’t even know if I had enough to get to his house much less where we had to go and back. He still had not responded so I called my friend and ask her if one of the guys would help me get the seat out of my truck if I came to her house. She said yeah they were on their way home and to come over. I said well I thought I had help and I guess I don’t.

I got there they took the seat out and she rode with me to get them. We went got them dropped them off at my house and then was headed back to her house to drop her off and get the seat and put back in. Why we were standing around there and they were messing with the seat and things before we left I text him and said, so what happen between earlier and now? I thought about it for a few minute I said what are you so scared of? Well? This point I have already had a fucking miserable day and now he is going to contact me and think he is going to play games tonight lets do this or can I come over and pull this shit. Nope I’m say something. He always saying I’m not scared, I’m not scared of nothing. I figured that get him, I was ready to go off. I told her he probably going say I fell a sleep blah blah bullshit.

We got up the street from my house he sent a message, I’m not scared I’m so fucking depressed I’m loosing it. I have know by things he has said since we started talking and this past week he told me he been having problems and that he thought it was depression. We talked a little bit then. One reason when he ask to come over I said yes. I figured he was going to say lets go do something or what. Then he ask to come over I knew something was up. I said yeah, I figured I was going to be home anyway, I was already in a mood all day maybe hanging out talking would be good for both of us. It get him out of the house for a while and things.

I told him I had just finished getting the pallets and was out why didn’t he come over for a little bit get out of the house. I told him I was riding around and close to where he was I could pick him up. I didn’t tell him I was with my friend or that I was on my way to her house. She lives not far from him so I would be close to him and could of picked him up. He said he was okay and ask what I was doing tomorrow? I told him I didn’t know yet hadn’t decided. I ask him why he was lying I knew he wasn’t okay, why he wanted to know what I was doing tomorrow? But he never answered again.

I been thinking about going to the park or the flea market or something to get the kids out of the house. I don’t care if he wants to ride with us. I told the kids tonight that a friend might come over for a while, because I was trying to get things picked up better before. Really it’s true he is a friend. I like him think he is a decent guy but he is going through a lot of shit right now and more than I know because there is a lot of other stuff aside from his living and work that he is dealing with. Coming up on the holidays I am sure it isn’t easy. I am not interested in anything more with him if he is seeing other people or what. He needs to get things straightened out for himself before he decides to be with anyone rally. But I don’t mind being a listening ear someone to talk to and just being a friend. Maybe that is why we have crossed paths not for anything more. I am just tired and fed up with every thing else I don’t even know if I want to meet someone or not again.

{November 19, 2017}   A Long Day and Night

I just woke up in a horrible funk today, feeling very depressed and down. I woke up at 9 am something and by 10 I was already thinking about starting to drink for the day. I have not drunk in a long time but I wanted to and I wanted to right then and there and to just drink for the day. I cried and cried I put somethings on line people were asking what was wrong and then one of the teachers from Little Bitty’s school messaged me. I talked to her a little bit about the mess and what was going on and things. She did bring up a decent job that I maybe able to get. She said her husband had helped a few people from the school or parents get on. She was going to talk to him about it. I am waiting to hear from her about that because I think it would be a pretty decent job. I am pretty sure it is considered a government job as well. I could transfer it out of here to somewhere else if I wanted to move. I may not be able to move as soon as I wanted too and it has nothing to do with the field I am looking into going into, but if it is a decent job and good pay I would stay here until I could transferred so that I would know I had a job when I got ready to move and it would make the move easier and getting a place and things. I could work it until I was settled and found something else that was as good. I hope he is able to get me on and I can start soon. Even if I start now it is going to be a bit before I get pay coming in but I could work it out and make it happen.

I tore my room apart and cleaned it somewhat. I took the broom to the fans and cleaned the dust and things off. I wiped down the walls they were a mess. Moved all that could be moved and cleaned and mopped the floors good. I had my oldest help me told her I would pay her when I started working again so if she would just help me get it done.

I was still in a funk and spent most the day crying and trying to hold it together and just not care or feel anything like the last week or so but it didn’t work. I had so much built up inside I could’t stop crying even when I tried. Now I am sitting here and it is one thirty am and I am wide a wake, my head is hurting and I am supposed to be doing homework so that I can do some things tomorrow and not be sitting her in the house all day. I don’t have any money but would like to get out and do something for a while get the kids out of the house.

I can really tell that I need to go back on some kind of medication. I just can’t find time to go to the doctor to get it and don’t feel like doing anything. I need to go back and talk to the therapist as well I think.

{November 19, 2017}   All Families Look Different

Yesterday I had to have a talk with Miss. Little Bitty, she got in the truck from school and started talking about her teacher and her and how they have a daddy that does this and that. How lucky they were to have a daddy at their house. I have told her that Father of the Year is not her dad I always tell her when she says it and have told her, her dads name. But she has never really asked about him, she has talked about his what his house is like I just told her I didn’t know he lived far away now I had not seen it or talked to him in a long time.

Friday I just told her that all families look different, some just have a mommy, some just have a daddy, others have grandma’s and grandpa’s while some have an aunt or uncle. I told her that sometimes daddies do things or are around people that the kids shouldn’t be and so they keep it away from the kids to keep them safe. I told her it isn’t just daddies, sometimes mommies do the same thing. I told her she don’t have to worry I would never leave her and would always be her for her.

I told her that I knew that her daddy thought about her a lot and that he loved her even if he wasn’t here to tell her or be with her. I told her that maybe some day he would come back down this way and she would get to meet him or that she could maybe try to find him when she was older and contact him. She just said okay that she loved me and was glad that I was her mommy. She so little but smart as a whip, I was a little surprised that she didn’t ask if she could try to get a hold of him right now but she didn’t. I know she is still a little confused with Father of the Year and her dad since she hasn’t seen him. But she understands her dad is someone different than him. I have heard her telling the other kids since our first talk before that she had a different dad and things.

{November 14, 2017}   Act Like We Aren’t Single

My friend posted a picture of him and his daughter the other day and said something about her being the reason he would be single the rest of his life probably. She is the one that is a year older than my Little Guy there birthday is a day and year a part. The one I use to watch when Little Bitty was a baby.

I commented and said why would you say that does she scare them all off? I said she shouldn’t she should be attracting them for you she is a adorable.

He said no it wasn’t that at all, just that so many don’t like he spends time with her or says he spends to much time with her even though right now he only has her on the weekends. He said they want to play mom or come in and try to say how things should be and things. He said I don’t go for that I don’t need a bunch of people in and out and around her either.

I said I agree and everyone looks at me like I am weird when I say I don’t want my kids meeting people I am talking to or dating. I said if we are just talking or dating there is no reason for them to meet my kids or my kids to know about them. I said maybe if we have been talking a while things are going good we are dating a while then let them meet bring them around. I said and not to be mean or anything like that but if they have kids I don'[t want to meet them right away. I said it is the best interest of the kids that come first and having people in and out and meeting new people all the time isn’t in their best interest. They come first whatever it is and if more people figured that out and did it kids wouldn’t be the way they are these days. Then his friend commended and said yeah it took a long time before he let anyone come around his kids after his divorce or what that he didn’t want all that around his kids or them getting hurt or what over it all.

I was rather surprised to see either one of them say it and that it was coming from guys. I was surprised to see that no women commented on it at all. Guys don’t seem to think about things like that a lot of times. I have been around his kid of course because I babysat her and things. He has been around mine from picking him and her up and taking him places. But none of them know that me and him even talk much less have anything at all to do with each other. They do not need to.

Later that evening he messaged me and said since we are both single why don’t you come over and hang out this week one night I am kid free until Friday? I said I didn’t know maybe I would I would have to see what I had going on and things. I ask him what we were going to do, he said lets get together and pretend we aren’t single for a while. I just laughed. I started to ask him why we are still single but I didn’t, because I am really not into any kind of relationship with him. But we have been friends for about 25 years now and we do just hang out talk, have some drinks watch movies or whatever. Just someone to get out with hang out that have some of the same interest and not wanting to go out running around all the time. I don’t mind going out sometimes but not all the time. Sometimes I rather just stay in at my house or someone else and hang out relax. It’s Wednesday already and I haven’t talk to him in a couple days. I am supposed to tell him when I can get away. I am thinking about asking him if he wants to just come over for dinner and help me get up in the attic and see what is up there. We can hang out watch a move or what after the kids go to bed. I can run him home later. I guess we will see. Again I want to do something but I don’t want to. I think it is more I want to do something but not so much with him but someone else. Because I am looking for more than just friends and I know I am not looking for more than that with him.

{November 14, 2017}   Why Do We Spend Money

When we don’t have it and are worried how to pay everything and when we are going to get more? It seems like the more I think about not having money the more I want to spend. I hadn’t really spent any on stuff we didn’t need but could of waited on some I am sure. Then last night I went to the store with a friend to get milk, juice and that kind of stuff. I ended up spending $30, I don’t even know what I spent it all on, I know I bought make up and a $1 dress up dress for Little Bitty. I figured it to be about $35 but it came to $30 so that was good at least. I don’t know why I wanted make up I hardly ever wear it and have not had any decent make up since me and R.C broke up. The make up I had when we were together I had, had for years it is no wonder it all broke up and was a mess. I bought some a year or so ago and took it back because it was horrible. I been wanting some for a while I just got basic eye-liner, mascara, eye-shadow and a nail polish. I wanted to do my make up a way and take some pictures in the outfit I was in last night and today but never got to do either one. I want to do my nails and make up for tomorrow but don’t know if I will get to or not. I should have time, I have to take my little one to school then go back in a few hours and have lunch for the holiday with her. I should have time after I drop her off to come home and do it. After lunch I have to go to the shop and work.

I don’t know why I even wanted to take the pictures much less do the make up too. I have no one to take the pictures either other than my oldest and who knows if she will even take good pictures.

I am at a stand still on my weight loss, hoping to get back on track in the next few days. I have been at the same weight for about a month or two now. But I didn’t want to do anything to push myself to start losing again because I had lost so much so fast. Most the time if I lose it that fast I will not maintain I will gain it back. I wanted to just maintain for a little bit let my body get over the shock of losing so much and get use to a new normal. Now I think that I am ready to really go at it and try to lose some more. I have 44 pounds more to lose and I will be happy. I need to check I may have already threw my body into shock and be losing again. I have not checked in a week or so. But over the last three days up until tonight I had been cooking nice meals again not just whatever I could throw together and get over with. Boy I know I ate way to much. I may have gain after the night of pork chops. I was pretty good and didn’t eat as much of the roast last night and only three slices of pizza tonight. I know part of the eating is the mood I am in as well but oh my it was so good too.

Now I am rambling I got to get off here, I should be going to bed it is almost 11:30 and I am wanting to play with the make up I bought last night and I want to leave it in the bag and take it back all at the same time. I also just had the thought of doing a picture for Christmas cards and wanting to look up so cute ideas for that. I just jump from one thing to another to another like flipping through the pages of a book.

{November 14, 2017}   Everything’s Going To Be Alright

I am still in a funk, mood, I don’t know what you would call it. I keep thinking about all the bills and everything I owe out right now but I just like oh well it will work out. I will figure it out, although I haven’t really been figuring it out and have not idea what to do. I don’t know what made me think of this song but for some reason it has been on my mind lately. R.C use to play this all the time. I remember cooking or cleaning and listening to it playing in the background as the kids all ran around and played and we talked an did things. I really had not even thought of him in a long time even. My friend brought him up the other night. First time I thought of him in a while. She was just saying wouldn’t it be something if he showed back up. I said well he could see her and spend time with her if she wanted to, but he can’t leave with her and it be a long time before he would be allowed to take her off by himself and we would have to have court papers drew up first. He could not take her around his girlfriend. He could bring her around his daughter and the boys or whatever kids of his he wanted to but not his mother or girlfriend. But as I have always said I will not keep her from having whatever kind of relationship they ever decide to have if they do. I just have to make sure she is protected at the same time and until I know she is they would have to do it supervised by myself or someone I trusted.

I have my check I have not cashed but it all goes to the school, I have my pay from the last two weeks at the shop that is still owed to me. I left early week before last to take care of something didn’t make it back before they closed. I just hadn’t gotten it. I was going to get it all last Friday but forgot it was a holiday weekend and things were going to be closed. I was going to go in and work get my two days in but he was closed Friday and I didn’t get up there Thursday because I didn’t know he wasn’t going to be open the next day. I am going up there tomorrow and work and again Friday. I will get that but it isn’t a lot. Gas, lights and that is probably it. I need to start buying something for Christmas for the kids even if it is just little stuff and get it put up so I have something for them. I wanted to get them their lap tops and a power wheel but that isn’t going to happen now I guess. I think I will still have enough to get them 3 to 5 things each and decent things if I start shopping now and get some deals.

I just don’t know how to get over this feeling, I don’t know if I want to get over this feeling. Right now I feel pretty relaxed and stress free just about. It feels good but at the same time something keeps going this isn’t normal, why do I feel this way, how long is it going to last, don’t jinks it, just ride it out, what’s going to come next, is this what it feels like to not be stressed by someone or something all the time, is this what it is like to be happy, is this what happy feels like, it don’t feel like I thought it would, what am I missing, what bad is going to happen, oh i need to get on that room and get it rented out, i want to but i don’t want to hear everyone’s input on it, who cares what they say, is this what it is like to live and not have to answer to anyone? All this goes through my head about a million times a day at about 100 miles per hour, just like that. Then I go to I don’t really feel anything, not happy not sad not mad not anything. Thats what I am feeling how do you feel nothing? If you are feeling nothing then you are feeling something right? This goes racing through my mind with it. It just plays over and over and over again like a cd on repeat. Why do I feel this way, is it normal to like feeling this way or not care that you feel this way? Are the thoughts I have when I sit and think about it. Why am I so moody and get so mad at things at the drop of a hate and ready to fight when I feel nothing the rest of the time?

I am sleeping but not good, if I fall a sleep early I am waking up in a few hours or I am up most the night and only sleeping a few hours. I feel all out of order but perfectly normal and fine at the same time. Even though it isn’t normal I guess it is my normal that I have gotten use to over the years. Then I think about all this and it just makes no since. I keep telling myself I need to make and appointment and go to therapy again since I haven’t been in a while. But then I think do I really need to go when I feel nothing at all right now? What am I going to tell her? I don’t feel anything? I like it but is it normal or it’s my normal.

et cetera
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