{December 31, 2017}   Last Conversation

I got up Tuesday way later than I planed so I text him and told him I had to get the money. I told him I needed to go to the tag office that I could go to the one in the town between me and him and meet him there or somewhere in town there. Knowing he has to get a ride and things. I just got a text back that said I’m broke. I figured not surprised at all.

It got ugly from there. He told me I was telling people we were together and how I tell my friend everything and what he is hearing and why shit is started between everyone. I said no I’m not telling anyone anything and I have not told anyone that we are or were together. I said, I have been asked and I have told everyone no because we aren’t. But you did and I didn’t know why you said it then and haven’t been able to say anything to you about it. Him I would never tell anyone we were together trust me!

I said yeah you know what you probably wouldn’t or probably wouldn’t now or something like that. I said because I am not your type, I said when I am with a guy I am not with him because I need anything from him or want him to pay my way. I said unlike what your use to, want you to pay everything for them, work your self to death and give them everything they want, while you are they are out running around lying, cheating, and parting or whatever they want to do and using you. I said see I can get what I want and pay my own way. I said so if I have a man around it is because I want him there, to spend time with, do things with, because I care about them and want them happy too. So like I said I’m not your type your not use to that, don’t know how to handle that or what to think about that. I said you say I make you nerves that is why I make you nerves, because I don’t need you.

Stop texting me leave me alone. We said other things as well I finally told him I was going to leave him alone that I had things to do besides arguing with a grown man that wants to act like a little boy. I said I have to go figure out how to get the money I was screwed out of and be the responsible one and pay the things that I owe.

Fuck you and your little boy I this and that he went on. I said nothing else. Then in a little bit he said why are you texting me again. I said it has been an hour since I sent you anything screen shot the last thing I sent and where he just sent me saying I was texting him. He didn’t say anything. Then again in a little bit having a fit I was texting him again. I said I am not texting you again just like last time. Yes you are I keep getting text and more text from you. I said look I am driving I am not trying to text you or got time to text you. Yes you are. I said then what am I saying if you say I am texting you? He sent me a screen shot but I didn’t see it until I little while later. I read it what I could see of it. I screen shot the date and time I sent it and sent him told him that I had sent that Sunday I was not texting him sending it then. He kept on yeah right I said you see I just sent you showed you when it was sent just like what I sent earlier that you didn’t get until almost an hour later. Something must be wrong with your phone. I said and if you read it and look at it you would see it is the same thing word for word that I sent you on Sunday your getting it twice.

I’m not getting it twice you dumb ass. I said I am not a fucking dumb ass and ask if he didn’t get it Sunday he never answered and I haven’t heard anything since. I was pissed by that point and the other shit he said all while again telling me I don’t want to talk I’m not talking to you stop texting me. I say I am leaving you alone he just keep running his mouth. I didn’t care I was telling him like it was the more I tell him the madder he got but when I said tell me who said that? Where did you hear that? If I said that or done that then tell me when where, he could’t. When I said what I did about him he never denied it or tried to, just get really pissed off and back to I don’t want to talk leave me alone. I said yep run, hide never be able to relax always worried about what is going to happen might happen.

{December 26, 2017}   Sleeping Beauty Is Gone

A lot has happened the last 3 weeks I guess going on 4 weeks now. When he first came here he was not doing good at all, he had not been taking his medication for his sugar problems and it was starting to effect him. I think it was the night he came and stayed he told me he had not taken them or eaten anything hardly in days. He had dinner with us and then I took him back to his house to get them. He told me no he wasn’t worried about it and I went anyway and he got them and took them. We went to the beach after that and he said something about it. I said just to get out for a little bit let the kids go to bed. We went over the walk and down to the beach and walked a little bit down the way, he said we are stopping here tonight we are not walking that far down there. He stopped and sat down. The other nights we had walked way the hell down the beach, when we figured out about where we were and where we started we had walked at least a mile or more down the beach. That night we didn’t go out of site of the walk where we had come down at. I was okay with that, I just wanted to relax for a little bit. A few times sitting there he said something about not feeling good and things. I asked him if he wanted me to take him home he said no. In a little bit he said we needed to go or something like that. I ask what he said he said we need to go lets go do you think the kids will be in bed at your house? Could we go back there? I said yes and we left, I could tell he really wasn’t doing good at all at that point and may end up in the emergency room, I figured I better bring him home instead of dropping him off. If I dropped him off he go in go to his room say nothing go to bed and no one would know if something happen until it was to late maybe. Even if he did say something they probably would’t take him to the er and he would’t call anyone or get a way. He was depressed and going through all the crap with work and things as well.

He started taking his medication everyday and was doing a lot better that first week he ended up staying here. He wasn’t working and I wasn’t either we took care of things here and picked up a few cars to get a little money. I could tell by the end of the week he was starting to calm down a lot and starting to smile and joke around more. He just seemed relaxed and like a weight had been moved. The following Monday he went to work at a car lot that he use to work at before. I just didn’t feel it was a good idea but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know anything about it or anything like that and I know he wanted to get back to work and needed the money. He had no money for anything not even to pay me. Well then He told me about working there for 9 years and things like that. I knew then that I was right this was not a place he needed to be or should be at all. I still didn’t say anything. He stayed out late a few different nights and come Saturday his first payday last Saturday the guys wanted him to go out with them. I didn’t say anything it wasn’t my business what he wanted to do that was fine. He came home bought clothes and things paid me and left about 9. We didn’t see or hear from him again until lunch time Sunday. I was out shopping with a friend and lunch. We just sat down to eat and he text saying he was on his way home. I said okay and left it at that. He said he was walking from the street up here in front of the are I live 6 or 7 blocks or more away. I didn’t say anything. I figured he was waiting for me to ask him if he wanted a ride I didn’t. He got to the house and said something about being home then text me and ask if he could take a nap in my bed. The kids were all here and up. I told him yes I be home in a few hours or so. I got home he was passed out. I did something around the house and then me and oldest went in the bedroom and folded clothes and things and he never woke up. We decided to put the tree up after dinner so I made dinner and he was still sleeping. I came in and woke him up and ask if he was getting up and told him I needed him to help me. He open his eyes and looked around funny. It was pretty much dark in the room it was 7 or close to it. I said it is such and such time it’s dark already he was surprised. He got up ate, helped get the stuff out of the attic, helped me put strings on the decorations so the kids cold hang them and then him and the kids made gingerbread houses why I went to storage or somewhere with a friend to put stuff in there and see what all I had and needed to get.

Well from like that night on his phone started blowing up again all the time all the time someone texting or messaging him. I thought it was funny because when we were out a few times it did and for a day or two after he started staying here it did then it stopped hardly ever did it go off. I knew why I didn’t say anything but was glad it wasn’t and he seemed happier and doing better. But then when it started I wasn’t happy and it just made me feel more uneasy about the job. Monday I was supposed to work and then was told not to. I took him to work and came home. We were texting and he said I could clean out the back room that was supposed to be his. I told him that wouldn’t make me money. He said he knew but he needed it. I told him I knew but I needed help a lot to be moved I could’t do on my own and it would take more than a day. He came home about normal time that day I picked him up.

That night my friend came over and picked me up to go to the store with her. I did’t want to go and she told me I had to go with her she wasn’t going to be long just go with her please. I said fine but come pick me up I don’t feel like driving and I was hoping she wouldn’t because I wanted to talk to him but she did. I wanted to talk to him for a little bit and had plan to Saturday until he told me he was going out. She came over and she came in we all joked around and talked for a little bit and we left. As soon as we got outside she told me she had to tell me something. I told her no I didn’t want to hear it whatever it was to keep it to herself. Because the guys had told her something the week before I think just trying to start shit and we found out it was a lie. I said I don’t want to know if it is bad news I really don’t want to know. I could tell by the way she said it it wasn’t going to be good. I figured it was just the guys starting shit again or trying to. She said no I have to tell you this just get in the truck.

I got in and she started telling me where he had been the night he went out. Then she told me he got something from this guy and only gave him half the money and the guy was looking for him and was going to come to my house this weekend if he didn’t get his money. I said that would explain why his phone is blowing up or part of it. I still didn’t know if I wanted to believe it or not but had to figure out if it was true or what because I couldn’t have people coming to my house looking for him. I said I am not going to say anything I am going to go to the office tomorrow first thing meet me there. If the guys are saying this then they need to show me proof. I went to the office first thing after I dropped my little one off at school and the guys were in there and she was there already. I told her to be there so no one could turn anything around and say I said this or that or started asking questions or talking shit. The one guy his old roommate started talking to me I said do you have the text show them to me I want to see them. He said he didn’t but wait a minute. He picked the phone up and done something and in a minute it started going off. He turned it around and showed me. He text and ask when he was going to have the guys money told him he was mad and looking for him. He was saying he have it he would have it. They went back and forth and things he showed me all the text he was sitting here in my house sending him no clue what was going on and that I was sitting there seeing it all. I was not happy. The ex roommate said the guy is pissed he called me looking for him I told him I get a hold of him but that he didn’t live with me anymore and wasn’t really talking to me much. He said the guy said oh we know he is staying over off X street with a girl in this house with this truck. We are going over there Saturday. He told him no not to come here and start that I had kids and things here please just not do that. He told him no he was coming if he didn’t get a hold of him with the money right away. He told him he would pay it just not to come over here. Of course it wasn’t the money it was the fact of the matter that he did him this way and wasn’t answering him and things he was still coming. I do not blame him at all. He kept telling him please not to do it because of the kids. He said if it was just him or him and her would be one thing but she don’t even know what is going on and she has kids there. I said here is the deal get a hold of him tell him to meet me here I will give him the money just don’t bring this to my house I do not want it at my house. I will pay him I will take care of what is in my house and he can still do what he would like to him just not at my house meet him somewhere else, catch him walking or whatever. He said no he was going to take care of it he knew I didn’t have the money to pay it and things. I said no I don’t but I can’t have this going on so just let me talk to him and pay it. I said fine I am going home I will take care of this.

I got home he was about to make breakfast. I waked in he said you look pissed what is wrong? I said nothing I am not mad. I said what is up with you? What have you done or doing? What happen this weekend? But before I said something and he said you look mad he said oh it’s already gotten back to you? I said what? What are you talking about? He said nothing or something. I asked him that he said nothing what are you talking about nothing wrong with me, I’m not doing anything. I said well that isn’t what I heard and now I guess I am supposed to have company or visitors at my door Saturday over whatever you did Sunday. No I don’t know what you are talking about. I said you went and got x paid for half and now avoiding the guy and he is coming here to find you. I don’t tell anyone where you live no one knows where I am. Second I did not get anything from anyone or do anything. I said I seen the text I was at the office when you were texting your ex roommate and he showed them all to me. I said so who are you talking about paying if you don’t owe anyone and you didn’t do anything? He is talking about his wife I owe her money I told him I was bring him money then didn’t I need to save to pay my fee blah blah and I don’t have any now after I went out the other night. I said no he wasn’t talking about his wife and you know it and weren’t either. Yes it was they are mad and starting shit. He got pissed off and went outside. I walked out there he was on the phone. I ask who he was calling he said the roommate. He came in sat on the couch and just sat there, he looked like he was going to cry, wouldn’t look at me wouldn’t say anything, wouldn’t even open his eyes at first. I said so what is going on this needs to be taken care of. I don’t know he is lying he is talking about what I own him. I said fine get him on the phone lets sort this all out once and for all. I called he won’t answer. I said give me his number I will call he will answer he won’t know it is me. I said better yet lets go up there face to face once and for all and get this all taken care of all 4 of us there together at one time figure out whatever one is taking about and who is lying. I got to go to work. I said not until 10 it’s only 830 we have plenty of time. Not because the boss will have his friend come pick me up because if I go up there, there will be a fight. I said no there won’t lets just go. I said something about talk to me just tell me what was going on, he got up and left. Started walking to work. I said what are you doing? Walking I got to get out of here I said I will give you a ride. No I don’t want a ride just let me walk. I left went to go to my friends house were I was supposed to work that day and we were texting he said something about his life being over and everything. I ask where he was because i didn’t see him when I left and he shouldn’t have been that far. I was worried he might do something because he made comments a few times about it when shit was going on. I also could not remember if the stove was turned off or what. I turned around came back to the house and check the stove it was off. He text me said he got picked up by one of the guys from work. Then said he was hungry. I ask if he wanted me to bring him something he said no he be fine. I said okay fine then be that way. He said something about walking, I said you had a ride so I don’t want to hear that. In a little bit he text what would you bring me to eat? I said I don’t know I don’t have time to make anything so something cheap we are broke. He told me what to get him. I said okay I go get it and bring it.

Then he text me says when you get here I don’t want to talk about it so don’t bring it up and start. I said okay and went got what he asked for. there is not where to park I have to pull over on the edge of the road on the road part way. In my big truck it makes it hard for cars coming behind me to get around and things. I didn’t see him buses and things were coming I pulled in the parking lot of the store across the street. In a minute he told me to follow him. I didn’t see him leave or see him when I looked up. He told me where he was I went back there. He came over to the truck and talk to me a little bit. He kept saying don’t look at me that way. Why are you looking at me that way, why are you looking that way. I said I am not looking no way. But I was upset and I wasn’t probably giving him some kind of look but wasn’t trying to. He said look I just had to get out I get mad I just have to walk away and cool down but we can talk later.

My boss at the shop was saying when I was there she can’t go home and say anything to him or tell him she knows because if he gets pissed off he will put his hand on her. I said oh I am not worried about that I think he knows better than to try that with me. They said he has been in trouble for it already a few times. I said oh I know I am not stupid I know. I am nothing special and he could knock the hell out of me or choke me or whatever like he has done in the past from what they say. I don’t know them I don’t know what was going on at the time or why any of it happen. But he also knows that I will fight back anyway I have to or can and that I will not put up with it I will shoot as soon as I get away and get to my gun. He said or did something one day here and I said something or flinched he said something about what is wrong with you I wouldn’t put my hands on you or hit you, something like that. I said nothing I don’t think that you would and do I look like I am worried or scared because it only be one time. He was like I would never I said okay. They all say that I am sure.

A little later when I got to my friends I sent him a message and said look sorry to start your day off shitty but I needed to know what is going on and take care of this. I am not mad I you just need to talk to me let me know what is going on we need to pay it and then figure out from there. I hope you have a better rest of the day. Well then he kept texting me and texting me after telling me he didn’t want to talk about it and things we talked some more about whatever then finally he said i am at work I got to go. I said I just text that one thing you kept on, I didn’t expect and answer back or for you to go on and on, I just said hope your day got better.

That night he came home put on a Christmas move for the kids and done some things with them and by the time they finally went to bed he was still doing stuff and let the oldest stay up later. I finally went to bed. Then Wednesday him and the oldest backed cookies for school half the night. Thursday he worked late and then he came home and laid down went to sleep as soon as he was done doing what he needed to do and the kids went to bed.

Friday Morning rolls around and I took him to work and went to work. Ex roommate walks in and sits down at the other desk. He said hey I’m sorry I didn’t mean to cause a bunch of problems for ya’ll Tuesday, I just had to tell you and let you know what is about to happen at your house and I guess he got pissed off about it. He said he called me told me I was dead to him and all kinds of things he didn’t have a place to stay probably now. I said nope never told him he didn’t have a place to stay he hasn’t even talked to me about it other than to tell me that isn’t what you are talking about, your talking about money he owes you. He said he does but that isnt’ it. I said I know. I said but he still won’t admit it. He said he dose owe my wife $400. I said see he keeps telling me that you owe him $400 you both say the other owes the same. He said no he been paid for that he had gotten that money. I said I don’t know it isn’t my business I just know I hear from both the other owes the same amount of money I wasn’t there it has nothing to do with me I don’t care. I just said it wanting him to hush and go on. Figured it turned on him he go on. Well I guess he couldn’t wait to get out the door to call and tell him I said this or that. I get a text why did I go to him and start about him owing money and he said I came to him and started. I said nope he came in here and he started I said that figuring it would get him to shut up go on. Keep my name and business out of things up there I don’t work there i don’t talk to them blah blah. You should of never said anything. NOw I have to deal with this while i’m at work. I said sorry your right I screwed up I shouldn’t have said anything you ask me not to. I wasn’t thinking dealing with my own shit right now. I said I was going to tell you but after work when i picked you up instead of while you are at work. But I guess just like I said if anything got said it would be I said this or that or done this or that turn it around on me. You told me come keep my mouth shut ignore him and work to get the money until I find something else. Yes go and keep your mouth shut you can’t do that. I said whatever i screwed up but I am owning it and telling you i have always told you anything that was said kept nothing from you and been upfront honest with you but go ahead listen to him over me I went and started with him. Tell boss to pull the cameras you will see where it took place what was said and how it all came up because I have nothing to hide. We stopped talking.

I think it was 20 minutes later I get a text, I still need to come up with $50 by 6 tonight. I said For? Playing stupid because he told me he didn’t own anyone anything didn’t do anything. If he didn’t why dose he need $50. He said to pay that guy. I said okay will you be off when I get off at 5 he said no 6. I figured he could get off when I did go pay it take care of it by 6. I said okay I will be there at 6 he said just drop it at 5 when you get off I need to do this by myself. I said I will be there at 6. He said okay but I have to go do this by myself is that okay. I didn’t answer. Well shit happen I didn’t get there until almost 630. We went to get change he had one of the guys from work waiting. I told him let me go take him get it over I know it was taken care of. No no I need to go do this he is going to take me, I don’t know what is going to happen I don’t want you in the middle of it you did nothing wrong. I said no I am in the middle of it they are talking about coming to my house over it all. I want to make sure it gets taken care of. I told you I am going to take care of it. I don’t want you to see whatever happens. I said I am not worried about what happens. Just let him take me I will be home when I am done. I finally said okay.

I never heard from him until like 5 am told me he was on his way home never showed up. He told me later that evening he was on his way home to get dropped off. He shows up starts packing his stuff and whoever dropped him off turned around to park and came back. I said something. He said he was going to his moms. I knew he had talked about going so not surprised but was that he was going right then. He was still in Fridays work clothes and everything. I said why don’t you let me take you to her house in a little bit? He said she is waiting on me out there now she wants to go to dinner and she is taking me to get my check. I ask him if he was coming back because I am figuring he isn’t at this point. He said yeah I’m coming back. He said I don’t know when I am not sure when I am going to work again or when I am coming back but I will be back. He said earlier or the night before he thought he needed to get away work some things out and clear his head. I said I wish I knew you were going now I was counting on the money you were supposed to give me to get by the next month here. He said I am gong to bring the money I owe you in a little bit. I said no for the next few weeks but I will work it out I know you are giving me that. He looked funny when I said no for the next few weeks. Like he had not thought of that.

He left I have not seen him since. I noticed late Saturday he has me blocked I can’t see his stuff or message him. But I have not been able to message him for a while now something is wrong with it but if it was working I could’t. I figured he blocked me from calling or testing him too but he didn’t. I messaged him that night ask where my money was why he hadn’t come back. Then I said something about him blocking me he never answered any of it. The next morning I called it went to voice mail. In a few minutes I got a text stop calling me. I said I need to talk to you. I don’t want to talk. I ask about the money no answer and things he didn’t answer. I sent him another text.

I said, I did nothing to you but try to help you and let you come here stay, cook, take you to work, whatever you needed make sure you were okay with all that was going on. this is how your going to do me let me and my kids get tossed out because you won’t give me $200 you owe me. I said I have no where to go no where to get the money and no one that helps me or gives me a place to stay. All because I did what I could or thought was right to help you? I said the kids are waiting on you to come by too they have something for you for Christmas. I said oldest was up when I got home late last night and was disappointing, you hadn’t showed back up like you said you were going to. I said the first thing she said to me was he never came back we didn’t get to give him what we got him. I just told her that they could give it to you a different time. He got mad said this is what I am talking about you text so much. I said what that supposed to mean. I said you won’t answer your phone, sit down and talk to me or anything else. will not tell em when you are bringing me money. He said and I told you I am not talking. I ask again about the money. never answered or brings up the money just he isn’t talking how much I text and things.

I was done by this point. I sent him one last text. I didn’t want to piss him off but I also had something to say and I was going to say it and was hoping it make him think and maybe do the right thing. I said

Yes I know avoid everything, instead of talking, that’s really keeping it real being straight upfront isn’t it? Maybe if you would sit and talk be upfront about things you would be surprised instead of just hiding, assuming and leaving.

Because you know what like everyone says your a great person, your funny, fun to be around, great with the kids and a good friend.

I know your dealing with a lot and that when your dealing with depression everything is 2000x harder to deal with. People don’t know they don’t get it. They just see all your fuck ups and think you should just stop doing this or that and everything would be okay. thy are not looking at the bigger problem, what is really wrong. I have dealt with depression most my life. I know how the little things can push you into a down ward spiral that can take forever to pull out of. I know the childish bullshit is not easy to ignore that you know that you it shouldn’t get to you but it does, because all the shit you have dealt with in the past all the shit that has been drilled in your head. Its just one more person doing, saying, thinking, so I know it isn’t true but they are saying it so it must be. All I head from my mom growing up is how I was never good enough, nothing I did was good enough. All I hear from her now is how horrible I am how bad I am then that’s all I heard from my ex for years. Yeah I get it more than you probably know.

Yeah maybe you screwed up last weekend or whatever happened. Why I said lets sit down talk figure it out. You say you don’t want to go back to your old ways, help keep you out of trouble. I was willing to do that, you need that person willing to not judge be there and help. But I can’t do that when you won’t let me, won’t tell me what is going on.

I think you going up there getting away was a good idea, if your mom is willing to help you get things straight. I do not think that job was a good idea at all. I seen a big difference from the time you were here not working and when you went to work over there. just in that little bit of time. But I know you need the job and the money. But I think you would be better off finding something else.

sorry yeah maybe I text to much but since you will not talk I can’t say it to you and I feel it needs to be said. So here it is take it how you will do with it what you want. But some people really are not like the rest some really do care and just try to help. Nothing more nothing less. They just know what it is like being there doing that and just needing that one person like I said. Also know how even though you need them you push them away because you figure if they really knew or they are going to see….and then they will walk away, so it is easier to push them away before they do. I’m not like that I don’t walk away that easy.

You say your coming back I have no idea and assume nothing. If you get things figured out decide to great if you decide not to okay. I just hope that you really do get things on the right track for you so that your happy in your life. Because this shit is misreabe and no way for anyone to live. Your a good person and should be happy in life.

I know things are not perfect here, I know I am not an have not been the best mom, or at keeping up with things here. But I am trying, Thank you for all that you helped with here. For helping me get my self in gear and motivated to make things better here. Thank you for helping me with the kids and getting things back on the right track. Yeah I screw up once in a while or what but I wasn’t trying to go against you.

I sent that and then sent one that said, I will leave you alone but I do need to get with you by Tuesday to gt that money. I have to get my tag it will be dead and get rent paid.

This morning I sent a test saying merry Christmas to everyone and sent it to him. I still have not heard anything from him.

I did find out yesterday as well that as soon as he left here and told me he was going to get his check he went right over to the store and gave the boss $200 for his phone bill. He already had his check. I wasn’t happy about that. He didn’t have money to pay both of us I don’t think. I figure he paid that then went Christmas shopping for his family because he maid a few comments about needing to do that. I don’t know but I need my money like I told him before it is my rent money, gas money, and tag money. All that have to be paid the next few days here. I need pay other things as well and need to figure out how to do that. I wish I knew where his mom lived I would take a ride to her house. I would also tell her everything that has happened. I know he is lying all around and doing shit if he really wants to get away and get straight then he needs to get it all out and do it right. I know he left as well because he don’t want this guy coming to look for him even if he paid it and he knows he has really messed up and like he keeps saying I don’t want you in the middle of things I don’t want you in this I don’t want you dealing with this it has nothing to do with you it’s on me. He don’t want them knowing anything about me or who I am either and he wants them to know or think he isn’t here any more.

I think he was doing really good for a while but I think with all the shit that happen at the shop and then getting over here into this job with old friends all in a mess it was just to easy to fall back into. It is sad because he really is a good person and fun to be around. But I can’t have this stuff around me and my kids. I do not want it brought to my house. If he really wants to straighten out and wants help I am all for helping him. But he is also going to have to understand that things are going to change and he is going to have to tell me a lot more than he has been and he is going to have to show me his phone and things and talk to me. Not just avoid things.

I don’t think he is going to pay me and I don’t think he is going to come back. He left a few things here but nothing important. Like I told him if he does fine if not that is okay I understand why he went and why he went like he is and it is good he did the sooner he gets away from that job the better. but it sucks that he is in such a mind set that he see’s nothing wrong with screwing me. My boss said he gave him $200 and if he don’t pay me he is going to give me the money and tell him if he wants his phone paid he is going to have to bring him more money. That my bills are more important than his phone right now. I just want them out of it. I don’t want them in it at all but I have to pay my stuff and I have no one to help me but them right now. He don’t like we are so close because then I am going to find out the lies. Like they said before he is in over his head and don’t know what to do. But if he just talk to me I could of helped him.

I got to get to bed I have written a book. But I am just blown away by all this. I always seem to pick the winners. I was talking to two or three different new guys and a few I know and stop talking to them to talk to him. For what we didn’t really have a relationship. I wouldn’t call it that. Everyone says he just lied he lied all around about everything. He just looking for this or that. I really don’t think he lied about everything. I think that he was interested or maybe interested why he keeps saying what he does about not wanting me around not wanting me to see and things. But I think he really is nerves or scared because he knows what he has fallen back into and he knows that he can’t do it here. He don’t know what to do. He has said to me a few times he needed to get away and clear his head figure things out work on some things a few times but that he be back or he was going to go ghost for a little bit but he be back. I never said anything about if he was coming back or what about us or anything like it bothered me. I only ask the other night because I needed to know what to expect or what but still didn’t get a answer. I think he wants to or wanted to have a relationship but don’t want to mess it up with all that is going on. who knows.

{December 23, 2017}   Noticed Something Interesting

Let me start by saying I am doing all this on my tiny phone, because the kids lost my computer cord. Of course it is dead.

I have noticed lately that when I am feeling overwhelmed I listen to the metal stations. I normally just listen to country. But for whatever reason I find it calming.

  1. I can leave because the kids are raising hell, yelling, screaming and just losing their minds. All of it just greats my nerves, but then I can listen to it and calm down so quickly. I find it funny because its not much different than the yelling and screaming going down in my house.

{December 16, 2017}   Winter Break

I am so glad that school is done for the next month or so. I was supposed to walk Thursday to get my certificates but didn’t. I didn’t want to spend the money on the cap and gown and I screwed up didn’t pass one of the classes for the other so I didn’t get it after spending money on signing up to get it. I wasn’t wasting more money. They will send the one I got in the mail.

I am so done and over school at this point. I want to finish but it is just to much with trying to work and be here for the kids and what they need. I think I have found something that I can’t do. I can but it is a mess and I am beyond stressed trying to do it all and it don’t turn out very well at all. I messed up three classes I took this time. I can’t keep being stressed like I have been over it all. This is why I had worked it out so that I didn’t have to work and could finish faster. I have now put myself trying to work and go to school. I am going to run out of money if I keep screwing up and having to retake classes. If I haven’t already.

The degree I want to get I can get for domestic violence, community health worker, or aging to work with elderly people. You can get just the certificates for each one instead of getting the degree or the degree in one and the certificates for the others or whatever. I have the one for domestic violence, that is the one coming in the mail. I need one class to have the one for community health worker, I am going to take it next term so I will have both of those. I took one of the classes needed for the aging one a few terms ago and decided I didn’t like it and didn’t want to take the rest. But now I am thinking I will take the other two classes for that and go ahead and get the certificate in the aging as well. So at the end of next term I will have all three certificates under the degree I want. I should be able to find some kind of half way decent job between the three. But I do not think I am going to finish my degree just pray I can get through these classes and pass them to get this and be done with it. It sucks because if I decide to go back later and do it I have to take a bunch of extra classes but I just can’t keep doing it right now.

I also can’t move in a few months like I want to if I finish because I need classes at the college and then I would have to stay here to be able to take them and I don’t want to stay here. I really need to get out of here and get somewhere that I can make it and not be fighting to get by all the time.

{December 14, 2017}   Why He’s Nerves

Today I had to go down and finish my hours for school, I ended up getting out earlier than I expected so I am home taking advantage of an empty house. But on my way home I was thinking about somethings that were said last night and over the last few weeks. Just everything going on in general, I think best when I am stuck doing something that I don’t have to think about like driving.

I was thinking about what all that has been going on with him that it had calmed down and now last night it starting again or trying to. Yesterday when I was at work his old roommate ask me if I worked today and I told him no I was going to do my hours. He said he had a letter from the post office at his house that he needed to come down get the letter. He said he just get a hold of him later and get with him to give it to him since I wouldn’t be back until Friday. Later the owners friend the cop came up and was hanging out. I don’t know why I just had this thought that something would be started. I didn’t say anything just did my job.

Last night my friend the bosses wife wanted me to go to the store with her, I told her I go but only for a few minutes to run in get what we needed and get out not walking around looking forever. She came over we all sat here talked and joked around and then we left. We walked outside she got to the truck she said I have to tell you some bad news. I said I don’t want to hear it I’m staying here, I am done with bad news, why did you wait until now to tell me? She said just get in the truck I have to talk to you. I did and she starts telling me that her husband my boss talked to his cop friend when he was there yesterday and that he said that Starfish has a warrant. I said no he isn’t supposed to have one he has a court date for next month we have to go to. She then tells me that it is for not paying fines the amount of the fines (I have no idea the amount) all this other stuff. I am starting to think this could be something she knows to much. She said not to tell him check it out first and see if it was true and things. I said no I am telling him he needs to know anything could happen between now and me being able to check it out. She said you don’t want to stress him. I said no but if it was me I would be pissed if someone didn’t tell me and I do not want him to feel like I am keeping things from him or doing something behind his back. I will sit down and talk to him when I get home. We can work it out and if there is figure out what we need to do. I also ask her if they told the cop where he is staying? She said she didn’t think so. I said if they did and that comes to my door I am going to be very pissed and job or no job I am saying something and shit will hit the fan. She said I understand and to talk to the boss alone and have him talk to his friend let him know we are trying to set it up so he can turn himself in and that he would get with them but to please not to come to my door. It isn’t a big deal if it is like he says it is a mix up with where money he sent in was applied to what. But until he gets to court he can’t really fix it. He don’t have a drivers licences, he does repossessions and got caught driving without it. He ended up with fines and 6 months probation. He was happy the other week telling me he was done he paid what he had to pay to be done with it and everything. Then the officer called said he didn’t pay the probation fee. since he didn’t have to go in he mailed everything in on one money order. Part of it went to fee’s part of it went to fines. We think they applied all of it to fines and not the right amount to the fee. We are working on getting the pepper work to see. But he called today and they said he does not have a warrant he is fine just come to court on the 9th and he would be fine. He told them he wanted to turn himself in and get it taken care of and everything. They said there was nothing there to worry about. So now we are trying to figure out what the hell they are trying to pull and start now.

But I was also thinking about the way he has been in genreal and things and him talking about being so nerves and not knowing why. I was thinking about things he said about past relationships and things. He talked about how he always worked what his ex wives had and the kids and things. How that wasn’t good enough because they did this or that. How his ex here did him and things. He made the comment to me the other day about this job and wanting to take it but not feeling like he was good enough or could do it because of how everyone always talked to him and done him even though he took care of them and did for them and things. I was trying to figure out what would make him feel the way he does about me. I’m not like that and things. It hit me, I think he is nerves because he isn’t “needed” or “expected” to take care of everything, give me every whim I decide I want or make sure everything is paid. He knows I do it I have been and I bust my ass to make everything work out, I don’t sit back and look for handouts everywhere or do nothing about what needs to be done. He is not use to that, he knows I don’t need him here in those ways so he has to be here in other ways. Like he said before he worked over 50 or 60 hours a week was hardly every home to give them the things they wanted. He didn’t have to really engage with them because he wasn’t there. Where as I rather him here than working all the time and having everything. I know how to get what I want and what we need without him doing that. I am not worried about working I will work to and want to work. Where as they didn’t work he did it all. He isn’t use to that, he is use to not being around and just working. This week he has worked until late but one so far and not sure when he will be off tonight. I haven’t said anything because I he needs the work and wants the work so he is doing what he has to, to keep it. It’s okay once in a while but I don’t want it to be an all the time thing. But we both know we have a lot going on and need the money right now. I a just waiting for things to calm down all around.

My friend keeps saying he keeps telling her husband that he needs to bring him back as well because he was one that worked he could trust and that he shouldn’t have listen to the other guy and let him cause all these problems knowing he has caused problems with everyone and he should have been out a long time ago. I just don’t know what is going to happen and don’t trust that either one of us would have a job that we could count on lasting. It would just be money for now while it lasted but nothing to depend on as a full time this is it job.

I have an hour until the kids get home I think I am going to lay down take a little nap and then get up make dinner and clean the house some before he does get off. This cold weather has me all out of sorts and tired all the time.

{December 12, 2017}   Nerves Still

As far as the kids know my friend is just that, a friend renting a room. They do not need to know any different than that right now. He understands why and things because we talked about it before. I wasn’t sure how that was going to work when he moved in or how to handle it but so far it hasn’t come up. We don’t hold hands, hug, kiss, nothing like that in front of them. He don’t sleep in my bed or anything.

Other than things he says, comments he makes and things he says to others you not know we were together. We haven’t been affectionate with each other at all really even when they are not around. We been here when they are at school and at night after they go to bed. But he just isn’t like that. He held my hand a few times at the beach and put his arm around me when we were walking or sitting there and things but that is it. He hadn’t tried to kiss me or anything like that.

The other night after he been here or a week or so I was laying in bed one night and he text me and ask me something. We were talking back and forth, I said I was cold. He said he could come warm me up if I wanted him to. I told him it was up to him. He said I am asking you if you want me to or something like that. I told him it was up to him and if he wanted to or something. We talked a minute he came in there and laid down finally. I won’t lie it felt good to just lay there we talked a little bit. He started rubbing my back and things. He started kissing me and things went a little far. In a minute he stopped and said something I asked if he had anything, he said no. He kissed me again and things then he laid down beside me grabbed me and pulled me over to him was holding me, he said I don’t know why you make me so dam nerves. Why the hell do I get so nerves when I’m around you. I laughed and ask him why or what he meant. He was like I don’t know I just do I can’t explain it, I just get so nerves. I said well not like we can do anything anyway no one has anything and I’m not on anything either. He said I figured when you asked. I said well, not like I need it enough to be on something all the time and I couldn’t use the other with the last person I was with so I don’t have any. He like well I didn’t plan this and wasn’t expecting this to happen right now so I hadn’t worried about it. He said I’m not trying to throw myself at you. I laughed, I said I didn’t think you were.

We were talking he said something about being nerves again, he said I just like we been getting to know each other and being friends, not rushing into things. I just don’t want to mess things up. I told him yeah I know what he meant and that I enjoyed it too and didn’t want to rush into things either. We went to sleep and went on about like nothing ever happen.

He hasn’t said anything since, the other night I ask him if he wanted to come lay down he said yeah in a few minutes. He never came in I ask him if something was wrong? If I did something or what was wrong? No answer, I started to send him something else but fell a sleep typing it up. I finished it the next morning and sent it. I was in my room laying down again at that point and had come out once and ask him something he was kind of short and that was it. I was mad but know that a lot of it is me as well, dealing with things from the past so I didn’t want to come off snappy or bitchy. I just went back to bed and decided to message him since he wasn’t going to answer me sitting here anyway. I finished it Saturday morning and sent it to him.

I ask him if it had to do with the other night and what happen? I told him that I thought we both kind of read more into it than was there and let things go a little far and that wasn’t why I had ask him to come in there or why I wanted him to come in there the other night. I told him that wasn’t what I was looking for, that I liked that we were getting to know each other and things like he had said that I had rushed into things more than once in the pest and that nothing good ever comes of it and that isn’t what I wanted. That I liked the being close, holding each other sleeping, talking, hugging, kissing or whatever. That, that was what I needed and that the other would come in time when it was right and we were both ready. I said other things, I also told him thank you for helping me with the house and the kids, that I was just overwhelmed and things that I was trying to get on top of things and get them turned around but I was having a hard time on my own. I thanked him for helping me get the dog’s kennel and things. I can’t think of everything I said, it’s been a few days now. I said that is basically where I am and where I am coming from and I guess just trying to figure out the same from you. Again never said a word about any of it at all. Oh and I also said to him Mr. if I was there you would sleep good and if I was there we could cuddle and it would be nice to cuddle and watch tv or what. But I don’t see any of that. I figure he said something to that but he didn’t. Because he use to say all the time how if he was here we could cuddle watch tv, if he was here we could cuddle and sleep and how we sleep so good and things. Like I told him that is what I want.

I feel like I give, give, give and getting nothing in return, but then I know I am because all he is doing around here and trying to get things done and helping with the kids and things. But I am not getting what I need as far as relationship wise or what I am looking for. Again I am with the help and things but the closeness isn’t there that I need. I don’t need it all the time or in front of the kids and things. But once in a while when we are alone or the kids are in bed would be nice.

I do feel he is taking it slow but I think maybe a little to slow. I don’t want to feel like I am pushing him into something or “throwing” myself at him. I just wish I really knew what he was thinking or what. I was going to try and talk to him tonight but he didn’t get home from work until after 8. I am going to give it a little while see what happens. If he hadn’t said things and said stuff to others about us I wouldn’t even think we were together. I still can not figure out why he is nerves around me. I wish he would tell me, but he says he don’t know.

{December 12, 2017}   When To Move

I have been thinking about moving a lot lately. Really if I could I would pack my stuff and go now and be done with it. I am so done and ready to be out of here. I told my friend the other day if she had a place I would pack me and the kids up and be at her house in a day or two. She said they are looking for a place and should have one soon that we are more than welcome to come. I would love to go the first of the year like March. My lease is up in March and I will have to sign a new one, if I don’t my rent will go up to $1000 or close to it. I don’t want to pay all that money out even for just a few months. It’s to much and will take a chunk of money I need to move on.

But if I take the classes that need to be taken at the school instead of on line then I will be stuck here until May. I am to the point that I don’t even really want to or care if I finish school or not. If it comes to having to stay here longer or moving I will pick moving any day even if I don’t get to finish at all. I will just have to figure out how to take them on line and make it work I guess if I do want to finish. Right now I am signed up for two classes that would make me stuck here but the more I work things out the more it looks like I am going to drop them two classes and do others.

Right now even if I drop them two classes and don’t take any others for now I have two certificates in May. I should have, had two at the end of this one but I messed up and dropped the wrong class. Even though I will not have my degree like I wanted by the summer, I will have all three certificates under the degree that I am working on. You can get it for Domestic Violence, aging affairs or community Health worker. Right now I have the one for Domestic Violence I will get it in the mail this month. Then I will have the other two by Summer, I can get them rather I move or not because I am taking all the classes on line. If I move in the middle I can still do them and just take my exams through a testing site so I don’t have to go to the school. Worse case I think it is about a day drive, I could always drive down take them and drive back. But that is worse case, I really don’t think I will have to do that.

I have been talking to my friend and I am really thinking that I am going to go up by where she is. At least there I will have help and things. She says that I can get a place the size of mine for what I am paying or hundreds less in nice areas. I can always go there get a place for 6 months to a year and see how I like it. If I don’t then I can branch out and find something a county or city over somewhere.

{December 12, 2017}   He Needs To Go Home Now

I think I told you all my friend starfish moved in already if not he did last week or the week before sometime. Everything seems to run together and be one big blur right now. He been sleeping on the couch until we get the room cleaned out for him and things moved around.

Since he has been here he has been helping get things around the house done and helping get the kids back under control. They are not happy but it is getting better. They don’t like it that mom is enforcing the rules and restrictions. He has been helping. He told them he seen how they been walking over me taking advantage of me and not listening or doing what they were supposed to. That it wasn’t right and it was going to stop.

The boys have been in their room for days because they do not want to clean it, they talk, play, throw fits and have melt downs. Today it is finally done and they can have the phone, tv and computer back tomorrow since they didn’t have any fits and got it done.

Little Bitty is more than unhappy with him. She thinks because he is here is why she can’t sleep in my bed or use the phone. I picked her up from school yesterday and she was egale eyeing the truck and looking to see if he was in it. She asked if he was and I told her no. She said good she didn’t want me to go get him and she didn’t want me to bring him back to our house anymore. She said he needed to stay at his house now. I ask her why she said he was mean and she didn’t like him. Finally it come out she wanted to use the phone and sleep in my bed. I told her it didn’t matter who was or wasn’t here she was not doing either one. That she had to go to bed in her bed and that as long as she threw a fit for two hours before she went to sleep she would not be using the phone or tv when the next day. She kept on most the evening and after he got home that she wanted me to take him to his house and she didn’t want him here he needed to leave and everything. I told her he was renting the room this was his house she said he needed to find a new one. Then she told me I could take him home and stay there with him if I wanted her sister would take care of them she didn’t want him here. Mind you this is the same child that has told me daily for days now that she hates me, that she don’t want me to tell her I love her, she hates that I love her. She is no holds bars when it comes to what she wants and what she thinks will get it for her.

Well her saying she didn’t want him here and that he was mean really got to him. He made a deal with her that she could use the phone for a little bit before dinner and for thirty minutes before bed. I said um hum she got to you, you gave in and gave her what she wants. He said no I am just trying something, I said okay but when I was doing x earlier I was babying and giving in. I said you just got worked and now she knows how to work you it’s only going to get worse.

He said I never seen a kid say they don’t want someone at their house and to make them leave and things like that and I don’t know why she say’s I’m mean. I gave her a drink and told her to go back to bed last night and she went right in there went right to sleep in minutes. He said Big Girl was sitting right here she knows I wasn’t mean to her. I said I know you weren’t either but like I said there is nothing she won’t say or try to get what she wants.

Today she has been telling me she don’t want him here again. I ask why she tells me the same-thing she wants to use the phone and sleep in my bed. It’s not like he is sleeping in my bed or anything like that he isn’t, so she can’t say because he is she can’t. Just because he told her she needed to listen to me and go to bed.

Other than that things are going pretty good. The boys get mad he tells them they can’t do something or to clean and things, but then when he isn’t hear all I hear is where is he? Is he coming back? When is he coming back? They all like him they just are not use to having someone else telling them what to do or helping me. When my mom was here she tried to but she just came in took over and started barking orders and treating them like crap and everything was in the air everyone fighting. He talks to them and things not just barking orders or trying to push everyone around or what. Like my friend said Little Bitty has never had a man in the house, it is always me. The other kids their dad has been in the picture but he was never one to make sure things got done, or get the to do things or try to make them listen. I was always the one who had to take control of everything and make sure everything got done or play ref between everyone because if he did decide he was going to do something he talked to and treated them worse than you would animals. So to have someone else here helping and things is going to take some getting use to. Someone that talks to them and things not just treat them like crap and get away with everything.

Tonight he isn’t here and they are trying to take advantage of it. Little Bitty is mad she can’t take the phone to bed. I don’t know why because she isn’t allowed to any other time. Finding 50 reason’s why she can’t go to bed.

{December 2, 2017}   Truth Bomb Mom, Don’t Settle

Loved this video when I seen it yesterday.

{December 2, 2017}   A Horrible Thursday

Let me tell you Thursday was a really bad day for me, I spent most the day crying from about the time I got up until late evening. Wednesday night wasn’t much better. I do not even know what started it. I just had that thick, heavy, being smothered feeling all day. I was supposed to go do my hours I decided to go later in the morning because all I could do was cry. I dropped Little Bitty at school called my friend to see if she wanted to go to breakfast. She said yes but she had to go take a shower first, so I met her at her house and hung out there why she got ready. As we were getting ready to leave my friend who moved a way a few months ago called me. We were taking our own cars because we all had stuff to do after so I left and talked to her on the way. I was in tears on the phone with her. I got there and they all got there at the same time. I got out and went to go in side they stopped me and wanted to know what was wrong and everything. I told them it was fine. My one friend is like no, no it isn’t I don’t like seeing you like this. She knows I don’t think she has ever seen me like that but maybe one time ever has she seen me cry. when I cry like that others see they get scared because they know that is not me and they most likely have never seen me do that before.

We went in and sat down, I didn’t even order breakfast I had bacon and bread. I was to sick to eat and didn’t want to eat, I just needed out of the house. I didn’t know what I wanted or where I wanted to go. We sat there for a while and talked after we had our food and things. My other friend started text me, my good friend as I call him. Then Starfish was texting me, I messaged them back and forth why we were all talking and that kind of helped to take my mind off things some.

But I still broke down and cried when I got to the place to do my hours. I talked to them a little and then we got to work. I don’t know what it is I know part of it was dreading going there to start with but I don’t know why because I am not even dealing with clients just data entry. I don’t know what was wrong with me. I hate that feeling. I just want to leave and get away from everything. I don’t even want to drive or anything. I just want to open the door walk away and just keep walking. I don’t know where I want to walk to or why but I just feel like I need to get away. I know that is all it is but I don’t know why walking is better than driving. I just wish I could feel better. I hate feeling that way. I am going to also have to go get my medications fixed and get back on something because I can’t do this on my own I don’t think. It is so hard I can tell that the medication helps a lot. I am just so tired of fighting and that is just something else i am having to fight over right now and it is the last thing I should have to fight over at this point. That is one thing I kept thinking and saying to them too Thursday, I’m tired, so very tired of fighting over everything and for everything. I just want some things to be easy for a change. But I don’t think I am going to ever have easy in my life in any shape or form.

et cetera
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