{December 12, 2017}   Nerves Still

As far as the kids know my friend is just that, a friend renting a room. They do not need to know any different than that right now. He understands why and things because we talked about it before. I wasn’t sure how that was going to work when he moved in or how to handle it but so far it hasn’t come up. We don’t hold hands, hug, kiss, nothing like that in front of them. He don’t sleep in my bed or anything.

Other than things he says, comments he makes and things he says to others you not know we were together. We haven’t been affectionate with each other at all really even when they are not around. We been here when they are at school and at night after they go to bed. But he just isn’t like that. He held my hand a few times at the beach and put his arm around me when we were walking or sitting there and things but that is it. He hadn’t tried to kiss me or anything like that.

The other night after he been here or a week or so I was laying in bed one night and he text me and ask me something. We were talking back and forth, I said I was cold. He said he could come warm me up if I wanted him to. I told him it was up to him. He said I am asking you if you want me to or something like that. I told him it was up to him and if he wanted to or something. We talked a minute he came in there and laid down finally. I won’t lie it felt good to just lay there we talked a little bit. He started rubbing my back and things. He started kissing me and things went a little far. In a minute he stopped and said something I asked if he had anything, he said no. He kissed me again and things then he laid down beside me grabbed me and pulled me over to him was holding me, he said I don’t know why you make me so dam nerves. Why the hell do I get so nerves when I’m around you. I laughed and ask him why or what he meant. He was like I don’t know I just do I can’t explain it, I just get so nerves. I said well not like we can do anything anyway no one has anything and I’m not on anything either. He said I figured when you asked. I said well, not like I need it enough to be on something all the time and I couldn’t use the other with the last person I was with so I don’t have any. He like well I didn’t plan this and wasn’t expecting this to happen right now so I hadn’t worried about it. He said I’m not trying to throw myself at you. I laughed, I said I didn’t think you were.

We were talking he said something about being nerves again, he said I just like we been getting to know each other and being friends, not rushing into things. I just don’t want to mess things up. I told him yeah I know what he meant and that I enjoyed it too and didn’t want to rush into things either. We went to sleep and went on about like nothing ever happen.

He hasn’t said anything since, the other night I ask him if he wanted to come lay down he said yeah in a few minutes. He never came in I ask him if something was wrong? If I did something or what was wrong? No answer, I started to send him something else but fell a sleep typing it up. I finished it the next morning and sent it. I was in my room laying down again at that point and had come out once and ask him something he was kind of short and that was it. I was mad but know that a lot of it is me as well, dealing with things from the past so I didn’t want to come off snappy or bitchy. I just went back to bed and decided to message him since he wasn’t going to answer me sitting here anyway. I finished it Saturday morning and sent it to him.

I ask him if it had to do with the other night and what happen? I told him that I thought we both kind of read more into it than was there and let things go a little far and that wasn’t why I had ask him to come in there or why I wanted him to come in there the other night. I told him that wasn’t what I was looking for, that I liked that we were getting to know each other and things like he had said that I had rushed into things more than once in the pest and that nothing good ever comes of it and that isn’t what I wanted. That I liked the being close, holding each other sleeping, talking, hugging, kissing or whatever. That, that was what I needed and that the other would come in time when it was right and we were both ready. I said other things, I also told him thank you for helping me with the house and the kids, that I was just overwhelmed and things that I was trying to get on top of things and get them turned around but I was having a hard time on my own. I thanked him for helping me get the dog’s kennel and things. I can’t think of everything I said, it’s been a few days now. I said that is basically where I am and where I am coming from and I guess just trying to figure out the same from you. Again never said a word about any of it at all. Oh and I also said to him Mr. if I was there you would sleep good and if I was there we could cuddle and it would be nice to cuddle and watch tv or what. But I don’t see any of that. I figure he said something to that but he didn’t. Because he use to say all the time how if he was here we could cuddle watch tv, if he was here we could cuddle and sleep and how we sleep so good and things. Like I told him that is what I want.

I feel like I give, give, give and getting nothing in return, but then I know I am because all he is doing around here and trying to get things done and helping with the kids and things. But I am not getting what I need as far as relationship wise or what I am looking for. Again I am with the help and things but the closeness isn’t there that I need. I don’t need it all the time or in front of the kids and things. But once in a while when we are alone or the kids are in bed would be nice.

I do feel he is taking it slow but I think maybe a little to slow. I don’t want to feel like I am pushing him into something or “throwing” myself at him. I just wish I really knew what he was thinking or what. I was going to try and talk to him tonight but he didn’t get home from work until after 8. I am going to give it a little while see what happens. If he hadn’t said things and said stuff to others about us I wouldn’t even think we were together. I still can not figure out why he is nerves around me. I wish he would tell me, but he says he don’t know.

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