{January 27, 2018}   Adopted Daughter

A few nights ago my mom ran into a friend of Father of the Year. She use to be a close friend of mine and her and her brother are how I met father of the year. But she stepped in the middle of things with me and him after being told to stay out of it and I told her how it was and cut her off from then on. We have not really talked in about 7 years.

My mom said they were standing there in the store she reach to help someone do something and when she looked up at who it was it was her. She told my mom that Father of the year told her he is paying me, that I refuse to let him see the kids or have anything to do with them and best of all that he adopted my little one. I was mad as hell because my kids are big enough to tell anyone who has questions what happen and how he told them he was going to get a place they could come to and see him spend the night, how he told them he was leaving people in jams but he had to do this, how he called the cops on us when we were trying to get him to just pay what he owed and how he has walked and drove by us in parking lots and things and acts as if he don’t see them and runs away jumps in the car and flies out of there. How when he see’s my friends out places and me or the kids are not even around he gets up and leaves when no one has even said anything to him. They can tell them how he hasn’t been here for birthdays or Christmas, has no idea his kids have been sick so bad they needed to go to the hospital one two or three times in as many days and almost kept.

But then to tell people he adopted my daughter and how he takes care of her. He acts like “daddy” when anyone is around and I tell her all the time he is not her daddy and him not to play daddy and for everyone to not tell her that is daddy. He begged me to let him go on the birth certificate and to give her his last name. That way I didn’t have to fight with her dad if he came in the picture and so that everyone would have the same last name. I said nope she is getting my name or her daddies name. I am not worried about her daddy coming around and trying to get her or fight me for her. I figure he may show up at some point and want to meet her see her but I don’t worry that he will try to take her or fight me for her. Like I told him that is her dad he has a right to her if he decides to come around. You have three you hardly take care of and do for now and complain because you have to. You are the last person I would want to tie her to or say was her dad. We had not even been together for years when I had her.

I am so mad the next time I see him I am going to say something about it right in front of everyone. How he still isn’t paying for his kids and still has nothing to do with them and that no one is keeping him from them other than himself and his ol lady.

I told my friend I should pack their bags drive them over there have her go with me so that she can record it all and tell him since he told everyone that I refuse to let him see his kids I thought I would bring them over and drop them off for his weekend, here they are and make sure to have them to school on time Monday. Then sit there and watch him trip all over himself why they can’t stay why they have to leave and most likely call the police to tell me that I can’t come back there. If it wasn’t for the fact of my kids getting hurt in all of it and knowing how he would do them and not take them I would do it in a heartbeat. Then when someone says that and when we go to court I can play it for the judge and be like here you go your honor he is not taking care of his kids he don’t even want to see them or take them for his time.

I posted something saying along the lines of for the ones that didn’t know he left and has not been around or paying and that he did not adopt my daughter. That I do not refuse to let him see his kids he refuses to have anything to do with them and runs every time he see’s them. That if he did adopt her then why does my divorce papers say she is not his, why does she have my last name, why if he wants to see them and I don’t let him, he don’t take me to court for violating a court order? Because if he had my kids and wouldn’t let me see them I been in court long ago getting that straight. I said I don’t normally post things or put this kind of thing out there but this was something I couldn’t let go and not say something because none of it is true and there are people that have been there from the start and know what went on and what is going on so if this is what he is telling you it isn’t true and if you want to know the truth come talk to his kids. It won’t be no he said she said you can get it straight from the ones that he is doing it to.

{January 26, 2018}   Starfish Was Back

As you all know my truck broke down two weeks ago, I just got it back tonight. I have been bumming rides walking and trapped in the house. My mom is back and has her truck but I can’t drive it. I run my little one to school and up to the store both less than a mile away. She told me if something happens she didn’t know I had her truck because I am not on her insurance. So then I am going to be in trouble for having her truck so I just been getting rides. Today one friend dropped me off at the social security office and my other friend was going to pick me up if I was done when he went to pick his dad up because he had to go right by there. By the time I got done he had already been up there but said he would come back. I told him I had to go to the shop and work he said he was a little ways away from me I would probably be there before he could get to me if I just walked so I told him okay. It is only two miles from where I was to the shop. I walked it from the shot to there and back the last time my truck was down just to get out and clear my head.

I stopped at the store to get a drink and headed to work. I was about 6 blocks from work and my bosses wife seen me and picked me up. She asked if I wanted to go to lunch? I found some money and went with her. I told her I had to come back to the shop when I was done and work. She had to stop at the shop before we went. We pulled up I was messaging my friend and looking down she was on the phone or something so we weren’t talking. All of a sudden she says Starfish is here she is surprised and I could hear worry in her voice. I said what? Who? Huh? I knew she was saying someone was there but it wasn’t clicking who. I was trying to figure out why she was so shocked and worried. I kind of looked up and was still trying to figure out because I couldn’t see them. Then it clicked who she was saying and why she sounded the way she did. She got out I was doing something on my phone so I finished that and got out walked up the side of the truck toward the front. I don’t think he seen me at first then I seen him kind of look and he started going around the side of this limo that they were working on back into the shop. The other guy that works there was calling him trying to tell him something they had been walking together talking about something. He finally stopped the other walked over to him. I just walked past and into the shop to get my keys so I could get something out of my truck. They were there so I walked out to ask where they were. I went to walk around the side of the car I was on but it was to close to things so they had room to work on the side he was on. I walked around the back and over by where he was. My friend was going past him first I slid by him but didn’t say anything. I asked boss for the keys he had to go in and find them. I am not sure where he was when we came by that time but I still never said anything to him. Bosses wife said hi and something to him he kind of smiled they said whatever as she passed joking. Later she said she said hi flower as she went by. Nick name she called him because of something he said before.

We left and went to lunch and she went to drop me off and we seen boss down the street having lunch. She called he said the shop was open but the office was locked that starfish was there, he would be back in a little bit. We went I had to go to the bathroom and she ran in front of me and went. We were yelling stuff back and forth joking around as she was going in there. We have to go around this car to get there it is in the back corner of the shop past the lifts and things. He was laying over there under the car welding something. In a little bit he got up and we were all standing around there talking and joking around until the boss got there.

She was saying I got to go in a little bit he better hurry. I said you can go, I told you, you could just drop me off. I am not going to start no shit and I really don’t think he is going to start anything if I don’t. He really has no reason to because I did nothing to him he the one that left me stuck and screwed. Later he came in the office looking for something it was just as before as if nothing ever happen. He looked a lot better again and probably better than he did when he was here even. He has put on weight and things. She said the boss told her he was thinking about bringing him back but they had talked and he does good for a while and then slides back for a little bit. I said I think if things were going good there and he was somewhere stable he didn’t have to worry about things and away from things he do okay and if he would talk to some of them and let them help him he could do okay as well. I said but I know it don’t take much for him to slide back or much to be said to or about him for him to. I said but he is just trying to get away from it too so it is going to be hard for a little while. But if he got into a good place to stay that it wasn’t around because I know it is at his roommates house where he was staying and he gets away from these so called friends and hangs around some decent people he be okay. I said he just stuck with the ones around the shop there and things once the turn over is done. We have guys leaving and new ones coming. I know the ones coming my good friend I talk about once in a while is going to be the new head guy to run the shop I think they will get a long as long as things are okay and settled between us or I tell him it’s okay. He knows what he did to me when he found out he said why didn’t you tell me I would of taken care of it for you or helped you. I said I know if I couldn’t have gotten it taken care of I would of gotten a hold of you.

I know I should probably be mad but I am to tired and over being mad to even worry about it. I know he was in a bad spot I know he did what he had to do for him. I know what it is like to be in that spot. Not on the drugs but where he was other wise. I know how it is to just need to get out and get out now. I get that way too but I just can’t. What he did was wrong and screwed up and I was pissed. I was very pissed and was even on my way to his job a few weeks ago when things were not going good for me and I was in one of my low spots. But since then I finally forgave. I have worked everything out and think I have things handled. I am going to pay the boss back the money he gave me that starfish gave him for the phone bill even though he said to keep it and he would take it up with him. Because I know he didn’t. If starfish is still there or working here and there I am going to wait until a day he is there and when he is standing right there I am going to hand the money to the boss and tell him this is the money you gave me that was for starfishes phone bill you gave me when he left owing me money. It isn’t yours to worry about and pay so I am paying you back. Maybe one day someone else will make right on the things they did and I will be taken care of or something like that. Just so he knows if he hasn’t said anything before that. He looked shocked and relieved when I didn’t say anything and even more so when me and her came back and we were all joking around and things like nothing ever happen.

He said something to my friend about the girl he was with a few weeks ago when he was up there working on the weekends. He told her she ended up being a pill popper and things. How she was telling him she loved him from the first week and things he got away from her. She said yeah you got to run from that that isn’t any good can’t just jump into things you need be friend build from there. He said yeah but he wanted a piece or something like that. She said yeah but it going to do nothing but get you in trouble. he just said he knew or something like that. His ex picked him up not sure what is going on there because he was trying to get his stuff from her and things when he was staying here and before that. she was telling him to get the cops and come get it. But then she had just been at the office a few weeks before that. Then there today. He told be she was with someone and had been a while. So who knows. I said I don’t care why are you telling me? I said we aren’t together weren’t together. She said I was just telling you he wasn’t with her what happen. Because she got all mad about her being at the shop that day and hanging out and things. She was telling me all about it and hitting the roof.

I really don’t care, we really were just friends, we went out a few times but nothing big that was just mostly as friends too, I mean nothing happen. When he moved in it was just as friends we weren’t together or even talking about being together. He said some things like I said to a few people that made me wonder what the hell he was talking about and things. He said things to me about different things but even that was like confusing like I said before. But I just figured if it turned into something more then okay if it didn’t it didn’t, I wasn’t expecting it to, but you never know when your living in the same house and get to know each other better. I just figured maybe he thought maybe down the road or what.

I can be civil and friendly at work not cause problems or drama. I am not going to cause problems or drama for someone in his spot of trying to do better knowing what he is going through been through knowing what he deals with and things. Because I know how easy he can slide right back. But I know how to get my point across and say what I feel needs said if I need to. But right now I don’t even care and most people should be given a second chance. I don’t have to be best friends with him, I don’t have to talk to him, make sure he is okay or doing okay or help him or do things for him like I did in the past. We go to like we were before at just two employees at the same job who talk and joke around with and like the rest. I do still feel that he needs to man up and at least own up to what he did even if it is as simple as hey sorry for what I did and said. Not just act as if it never happen. Like I said before I’m not going to say anything to him because all I done was help him. If he decides he should then he will. I seen him keep looking at me like he just didn’t know what to think the rest of the day when he was around. I am sure he was still waiting for me to jump his ass, because what everyone does but I’m not going to unless he does something to piss me off again. Then I will but right now its done over.

{January 21, 2018}   Spam

Am I the only one getting a ton of spam comments the last few days? I just clicked through about 6 comments that were all spam from 3 or 4 people. Some who commented already and I marked as spam last time. I have never had so much spam in such a short time. A few everyone once in a while and none in a long time. Maybe it was just my turn since I had not had any in a long time I don’t know. They all say the same things just about even when they are from different names. Some form of two different comments. Like that isn’t a red flag from the start.


{January 20, 2018}   Interesting Message

Tonight I go out to watch a show with my little one before we go to bed, she has been asking if I would watch a show with her the last few days. I told her let me finish my school work and then I would watch a show with her. I was playing a game on my phone and sat down on the couch. As I sat down I exited out of my game so I could watch with her. When I did a thing popped up and said that so and so wants to connect with you. I clicked on it and went in to read the message it was a women. The message said is your papaw so and so? If so this is so and so trying to get a hold of him.

I just sat there looking at it. I didn’t know what to think because the name that messaged me wasn’t the name they were saying they were and they asked if he is my grandpa. My grandpa passed in 2012 who ever it was didn’t seem to know that. I started looking at picture but wasn’t sure who it was. I knew I knew the first name but couldn’t put two and two together. I was caught off guard and thinking about all of this in a manner of seconds and trying to decide how to handle it. Then it hit me that the person who was contacting me was the other persons daughter.

The person that messaged me was my cousin that I had not seen since we were little kids probably 9 or 10 year old. The person she said was looking for my grandpa is her mother that I have never in my life met or talked to. I knew my cousins because their dad use to bring them down on vacation and him and my mom were friends and we would meet up and see them why they were here. Their mom is my dad’s sister.

I messaged back and said yes that was my grandpa and that they needed to call me so we could talk please. In a little bit my phone was ringing and it was my aunt. She started asking me about my grandpa her dad I told her he passed away, she asked about my dad I told her he had too. That there was the three of them left and that one was in jail all that. She knew that my other uncle had passed before my grandpa ever did so she had been in contact with my grandpa but not in a while. She was never one that stayed in contact with the family and they said always wanting money and things. I had not heard a lot of good about her but she seemed okay when I talked to her. She is older now and maybe has changed over the last 10 years or more that it has been since anyone had heard from her.

We ended up talking for over 3 hours on the phone and she has messaged me everyday and we have talked and things. She wants me to tell the others she is coming down and things. She had me help them find a motel and all that. They are coming down two days next month. She wants to see grandpa’s grave and things like that. I would not have known her if she walked by me on the street or knocked on my door. But it was nice to get back in touch with my cousins and it will be nice to see them again and to meet my aunt. I have not told any of the family she is coming not even my mom or that I have talked to her. It really isn’t any of my moms business because it isn’t really her family but I am sure she will have enough to say about it. I am just going to tell her that I don’t want to hear it it isn’t any of her business and that you know like it or not she is family and she had a right to know and that her coming here has nothing to do with me that is up to them. They are grown adults free to do what they want. I know she isn’t going to like it because none of them really got along and still don’t she was like the “black sheep” of the family I guess you would say on my dads side but truth be know they all really were.

I asked how my uncle was because I had not seen or heard from him since I was pregnant with my oldest and he wasn’t doing good at that time. I was worried then he may do something to himself he was so bad. But I missed his phone call he didn’t call me back or contact me anymore after that. Him and my mom had stopped talking years before that so she didn’t know how to get a hold of him or anything.

Back when my grandpa was sick and dying he was asking for my aunt and wanted to see her and talk to her. No one else would look for her or tired. I searched and searched all over looking for her but couldn’t find any information about her the kids or my uncle. I told her that too that I had looked for her and couldn’t find her. She said they had been trying to get a hold of me as well but didn’t know how and couldn’t find me. I don’t know how they happen to find me the other night but they finally did.

I guess we will see how this goes when they come down next month. She wants me to move up there where they are. I told her me and the kids were looking for somewhere to move and things. She said it is nice there decent rents family friendly and good jobs. I told her we may come up Spring break and check things out.

{January 20, 2018}   Just Friends, To Broken For More


I have decided that there is nothing there more than friends with the guy I met and went out with last weekend. He is going through a really hard time dealing with things from his past and because of that we are looking for two different things. He had come over Thursday why the kids were at school and things didn’t go to well. We have still been talking and things he didn’t say to much yesterday then he messaged me this morning and called me. We talked for a little bit about the kids and things like that, he made a joke it was to deal with sex. He said I am not directing that at you just a saying this or that. I said I know. He said I have come to the conclusion or decided that isn’t ever going to happen between me and you. I didn’t say anything he went on talking.

In a little bit he asked me about Thursday if he did something wrong that upset me or offended me. I just told him no it was things I was dealing with that I thought I had dealt with already but that I was learning that I was going to have to deal with it from now on probably. That I didn’t expect to be dealing with it this soon in a relationship and that it wasn’t him I had dealt with it in the past but farther into the relationship. I had told him already Thursday evening what was going on and things. He was happy to hear it wasn’t him. But still don’t think he really understands or gets it.

But he is just to broken and it is very sad because he really cares and really just wants to find someone to love and be happy with. But he needs to really work through somethings and work on himself before he gets with someone or it isn’t going to be good. The state he is in right now if he found someone that would give him what he wants he is probably just going to be hurt again in the end because they are most likely going to take advantage of him. Because he is so caring and giving. Right now the state that he is in he we are looking for two different things. I think if he was doing better himself there could be something there. But I can’t do it where he is right now. He is looking for someone that is just in love with him from start and wants to just jump into like a ready made relationship kind of thing, like they been together for a while. I don’t want to do that and can’t with him. Because I know there is to much there that he needs to deal with and what he is wanting is pushing me into dealing with things that I can’t just jump into something like that. He thinks if he finds someone to love and to love him everything will just be okay and it won’t.

He told me about how things were with him and his ex wife and I can see where he is coming from and understand why he is in the shape he is in. Because he has never been with someone and really had a relationship. He said that when him and his ex were married she wouldn’t sleep with him, said he snored to much made him sleep in the other room. He said she wouldn’t have anything to do with him hardly ever, she tell him come on if he wanted to lets get this over with. He said she never approached him or anything like that. She was always all about her and what she wanted needed or what. He said he go in to talk to her or try to be with her she be on the phone hide it tell him to go on why was he in there and things. He said there really wasn’t any time we just lay or sit together and just talk, watch tv, sleep nothing. He said it just wasn’t that kind of relationship at all and no matter how much I did or gave her it was never enough.

You can tell when you talk to him everything is always sorry, sorry no mater what it is or if there is a reason he is always saying sorry about something. I said something to him about it, he says I just do because I feel that whatever it is isn’t good enough it should be better. I keep telling him he has to decide that if he did all he can do then it is good enough that as long as he is happy with it then it is good enough. He is one that wants everyone happy no one to be mad at him, no one to think bad of him and do everything for everyone at his expense whatever that may be.

I know how it is I use to be the same way, always keep the peace make sure everything was done and taken care of. It didn’t matter that this one or that one wasn’t doing more I make it happen it was okay we were getting by or whoever got what they needed or wanted. It didn’t matter how they treated me or what they said about me I still help them. Still make sure everyone had what they needed and was taken care of. Until I decided enough was enough and if they didn’t care about me no more than they did to treat me the way they did why did I care how they felt if I said no and didn’t help and why did I care what they thought of me because no matter what I did for them they were going to still think what they did about me and didn’t care if I was happy or needed something or I wasn’t doing for me or what I wanted to do for them. Since I have I have been much happier.

Like today he said his mom was mad because he was tired because he was up with his son all night. I said so who cares if she is? If you are talking care of him and you are not asking for their help or what then it is none of their business. As long as your kids are being taken care of and you are doing what you feel is best for your kids and you and no one is in danger or anything like that then no one has any place to say anything about what you are doing or how you do it. If you and the kids are happy that is all that matters. I said well the kids are happy and taken care of you may not be and your going to be tired and overwhelmed but that is being a parent and its still okay and don’t matter what everyone else says or think. I haven’t heard from him but I know he was dealing with all that and had to get ready to take the kids to a party he didn’t want to go to. His ex and her boyfriend are going to be there the kids were invited. He said his best friend is married to her best friend so it makes it hard.

We were talking the other day when we were out riding around something was said about working and paying bills things like that. I said how when I was trying to leave my ex could never save money because I had to take all I had and pay the rent and then ask him for any money i needed for anything the rest of the month. That when he found out I had money tucked away I had to take it all and pay the bills because he would refuse to pay anything or give me money until he knew I had spent all mine.

He looked at me funny and said you paid bills? I said yeah if I was working or had money coming in I always helped pay bills. I said I was the one who always paid them because he would spend the money if he had it. He give me his check or it go into the bank and I would pay all the bills out of it and then the money left went for whatever was needed or wanted after that. He said when I was with my ex she made 1.5 times what I made and she never paid a bill or helped with anything. He said she told me I was the guy I needed to take care of it and provide for the family it wasn’t her job.

I said no we put the money together there was no yours or mine and what needed to be paid or taken care of was taken care of any what was left we did whatever we felt like doing with it. I said even when I was with my little ones dad I paid half the rent and half the rest of the bills and helped with extra stuff that was needed and help buy food. I said with him we didn’t have a bank account together he kept his money I kept mine but we still made sure bills got paid and everyone had what was needed. I said I am sure had we stayed together we had a bank account and things together. He just looked so shocked or surprised that couples really did thing like that or what, I don’t know. Or maybe that I helped didn’t expect them to do it all and just spend mine. But I guess like he said that was how it was with him and his ex. I said you can ask so and so she knows she knows how he take my money or not give me money so that I couldn’t get out and leave. She was there and knows she knows I paid when I was with my little ones dad and that I normally have money and don’t worry about things. Because she is how I met him they are good friends too.

He knows he is dealing with things he is seeing a therapist and said he was going to be seeing someone else to try and work things out more or see what he could do. I wonder if the person he is seeing right now isn’t really helping him as much as she could be because he told me they are friends and went to school together. I hope he gets another job and insurance and is able to see someone else. That will maybe do better to help him. I want to tell him somethings but like me and my other friend that introduced us was were talking about he is really bad off right now and scared to say to much and maybe push him over the edge or to far. I was talking to her I was like please don’t tell him this stuff but you know you talk to him and I know he tells you everything but this is what is going on or went on. She said yeah she said I did not know how bad he really was, but we don’t see each other we just talk on the phone or message each other. She said he has wanted to go to lunch or meet and talk and things but I can’t do that with my husband the way he is and things. I know he is wanting more and I don’t want to go there give him the wrong idea. She said I knew he was dealing with things and talking to someone but I didn’t know it was this bad but talking to him lately and what you are saying I can see it is really bad.

Like he even said before we met up and went out he was glad that we started talking and that he hoped if nothing else we would be friends. He said I was the only one that really talked to him and understood where he was coming from and tried to help or cared. He said that he respected my input or point of view on things and that it made him think about things. I don’t mind being friend with him. If he wasn’t dealing with so much and looking for what he is looking for and was the person everyone keeps telling me he is or use to be I would have no problem dating him and seeing where things went. But he isn’t the person that everyone says he is or he use to be. He hasn’t been getting out he hasn’t been doing anything but working and taking care the the kids for a while now. He even said with dealing with everyone thing and not having time he hasn’t been hanging out he hasn’t been doing things for himself or anything. He said he needs to get back to taking care of himself again. That will go a long way for him as well. I know it has for me. Just taking the time for myself and things the last year or so now that the kids are little bigger and can stay by their self for a little bit.

I was glad today when he said he figured out or decided that there probably wouldn’t be anything between us that way. He seemed to be okay with it and just went on talking like we always have like friends. I know I didn’t come across as they described either probably but I was not comfortable with the way he was pushing for so much so fast so I kind of just shut down and was kind of short with him when we were together.


{January 15, 2018}   Let’s Meet

He wanted me to meet up with him Friday since he didn’t have to work but my kids were out of school he wanted to come over. I told him he couldn’t but that we could meet up. I told him to let me know when because I also had to go to work that day for a while. I told him finally Thursday to call me Friday when he got up and that we would decide if or when to meet up.

Friday I ended up sleeping in and not getting up until about 10. We talked for a little bit and I told him I was getting ready and had to get to work. He said he had told his dad what happen with his job and he said he was glad it was good because it wasn’t a good fit for him and that he was so unhappy there.

We talked a little more about things and he said something about us talking the night before and what I said and everything. He said so what does this mean now and where do we go from here? I laughed I said I don’t know I said what I had to say and it’s on you and up to you now where to go from here. Something was said and he said if we got together that would mean we would have um uh 6 kids. He was kind of tripping over it as he said it and maybe a little sick. I busted out laughing. I said yeah you have two and I have 4 that would be 6 last I checked. I said but like I said it be a while before they were even brought into the picture and we crossed that bridge. He was like that’s a mess of kids or something like that. He said lets just talk a little longer see how things go. I am still just dying laughing, he is still trying to wrap his head around the idea of 6 kids. I couldn’t help laughing, kids don’t bother me I am use to kids and I don’t even think about if there are 3 or 10 it isn’t really any different once you get past two.

I had to get to work so we got off the phone and I got ready and went in. We text a little here and there and he tried to call me once. But the boss was sitting right there in the office with me so I didn’t answer. I told him the boss was sitting there I could text but not talk. Besides even if he wasn’t sitting there I don’t say much on the phone there because he has cameras up everywhere and they record sound. I know he can pull them up and watch them from anywhere on his phone I don’t know if he can get the sound too or not. I don’t care I have nothing to hide but I still don’t want someone listening to my conversations. After a while my boss paid me for the day and told me to go home there was no reason to hang around there. I left and was texting him as I did. He didn’t seem to be understanding what I was talking about. I called him and was talking to him. He said he was picking up the kids. I could hear the kids in the background giving him a hard time and things. I told him what I was talking about and things. Then he said something I said no I didn’t say that or what. He said okay well I got to go. I said okay talk to you later. In a minute he text me and said sorry my parents are sitting right here I don’t want them to hear my conversion and be asking questions about who I am talking to. I was driving so I couldn’t respond back is why I had called him to start with, when he said he was picking up the kids or getting the kids I thought he was probably driving too so we could just talk. Wasn’t a big deal really. He called me late that night and we talked a little bit. He said he had fallen a sleep with the kids when he was trying to get them to sleep and couldn’t sleep had seen I was up on line.

Saturday morning he called me and wanted to know what I was doing? I told him I was supposed to be going out for a few hours but then pretty much free after that. He wanted to know if I wanted to get together at some point. He said his parents had taken the kids to Disney for the day. I told him I had to see what time I was getting back.

I kind of had plans to go with my friend and another friend of ours to a sale a few towns over. I really didn’t want to go because we just went the other week and they didn’t really have anything and I didn’t really have money to spend. I was more or less going to just go for the ride and hang out. Well then she calls and tells me oh the other girl is on her way to her house they will be leaving to pick me up in 45 minutes or less. I am only 5 minutes away from her. I had to jump in the shower, do my hair and get dressed. I ask her what time they were coming back home she said she didn’t know she didn’t have a time to be back by. It was only 10 then maybe 1030. I had other things to take care of as well, I thought she be home in two or three hours. By the time they were ready to leave and head my way to pick me up I was still trying to dry my hair I just got out of the shower and everything. I finally just told her I wasn’t going I wasn’t ready wouldn’t be for a little bit and that I didn’t think it would be worth going because they probably wouldn’t have much. Besides I just got hit with another bill I needed to pay that now took the money I would have spent if I went. The sale was for kids clothes they were having 10 items for $10, the last time I got my little one a bunch of nice new jeans and shirts. The shirts she is outgrowing so I was going to look for more but they didn’t really have anything the weekend before when we were there. I told her to let me know if she found anything I give her a few dollars for them if she just needed extra pieces to fill in for her stuff to make the 10 or whatever. But that I would have to give it to her this payday.

I told him I wasn’t going that I was free whenever. He said okay I could pick him up about 1130. I told him he could just pick me up if he wanted I wasn’t worried about going with him or what. He said he could but then told me a few things. So I just told him yeah it was fine I didn’t mind I pick him up. He said he give me gas money or get me gas. I told him it wasn’t about that.  I didn’t mind it was okay. I told him I let him know when I was ready for him to let me know when he was we would go from there I shoot for 1130. I was ready right about that time he said he was out he had to go to the bank and things it be a little after 12 it took longer than he expected. I said that was fine I just go take care of a few things I needed to take care of then head that way. I went and paid my bill and dropped a box of diapers off at a friends that I had for him. I punched the address in to see where it was and everything it said I was about 8 minutes away and it was just about 12 then maybe a little after so I text him told him where I was and that I was headed that way. He said take my time he wasn’t there yet. I said well I am about 4 minutes away now because it took him so long to respond. He said just park in the front he would be right behind me in just a couple minutes if I beat him there. That is what I did and he got there with in a few minutes after I did.

He came over got in he gave me a hug. I ask him where we were going because I had no idea where to go or what to do it didn’t really matter to me what we did or where we went. I was fine with just sitting down and talking in person for a change since I hate talking on the phone. We got half way between my house and his and my oldest called me. She said she gotten sick. She said she didn’t feel good earlier but she thought it was just cramps. I told her where medication was to take and things and ask her if she needed me to come home or wanted me to. She said no she was going to go lay back down. She was laying down when I left. The other kids were watching tv and playing on the computer. My oldest son does pretty good playing with them and watching them he was helping them and they were all three doing stuff together so I wasn’t worried about them.

We ended up going over the bridge to a sea food place over there and having lunch. It was good. I got a stake quesadilla, I am not a big seafood eater and I didn’t really want a burger or something like that. We talked some there. I didn’t like the way it was set up and then there was people they sat right by us. It was booths but they were so small and then even between them it was like you were sitting at the same table you were so close if you moved wrong you be touching the person behind you. Just awkward to have a conversation. I could hear the people behind me talking so I knew they could hear ours.  We left there and when we got in the truck my friend messaged him and she was carrying on so then I ended up calling her because I was driving and we were all talking and things. I was just driving, again no clue where we were going. I hung up with her and looked at him and said um where are we going now? He said I don’t know where do you want to go? I said I have no idea where to go there really isn’t much around to do or places to go. I just kept driving, ended up back on the mainland headed north back toward our houses. I ended up passing that area and going on. He said is the boat ramp open? I told him I didn’t think so it hadn’t been no long ago when I was by there. It wasn’t as we came up on it so he told me stop at the park on the other side of the it. I stopped we went sat at one of the tables looking at the water and the space center and builds off in the distance across the water and things. Talking about different stuff out there. I said wow it is funny how far away all that is and how that is the next town up and how it’s on the other side of that town and we can see it so good. I said over there is where I almost drove my truck in the river. We talked and things there a little bit but not much. It was pretty cool out he said I think it is getting colder lets go. I started heading on north just driving around and we talked about different things as we drove around. He said where are you going? Your just driving aren’t you? I said pretty much what I do when there isn’t anything else to do or anywhere to go. We went up through town there and down and around back headed south once we made it around there. I was going to go somewhere and he said hey go out this way so I did. He showed me a truck he was thinking about trying to get. We seen what time it was and he had to get home because he had a guy coming from out of town to bring him a boat. So I went around and headed to his house. We got there I pulled in the yard there, he said you can go on around the house if you want and pull around. I said what you think I don’t know how to back up or can’t back out of here? Joking around. He said alright now don’t start make me something. I laughed we joked around. He got out and put his stuff over to the side that he had in the truck. He came around to my side and open the door, he gave me a hug and was standing there talking. All of a sudden the truck went off. He said what happen? What did you do? I said I didn’t do anything.

He moved I turned around and tried to start the truck and it would not start. I said I don’t know what is wrong it will not start. He said your out of gas I bet. I said no I am not out of gas. He said I told you go to the store let me get you gas now your out. I said no I put this much in last night no farther than we went I am not out of gas and the gas needle isn’t 100% correct but it is pretty close and the gas light hadn’t even come on. He said just let me go get some gas and put in it and we can see. He went and got a can and dumped it in. It started for a minute he said see I told you, I said no that is not it, it is not running right still don’t you hear it? He was saying it has to prime and things. I said no I have ran out of gas before that is not what is wrong I dump it in it will start right up and go. I said it is not running right it don’t sound like this normally and in just a minute it died again and would not start back up. I said see it is not out of gas. Then it was the starter, I said nope it is turning over strong it is not the starter, it isn’t this and it isn’t that. Just naming off a few different things. I called my friend to see where she was and told her what happen. I was hopping she be with my boss could ask him but she was still down south of us a ways. She says call her husband my boss. I said I don’t want to deal with him but okay I am going to have to. She said see if he could tell me what was wrong and see if he could tow me with him truck or hers.

I ended up calling my good friend when I hung up, I thought of him he said the same thing I did it sounds like fuel pump went out. He ask if the kids had bumped it with there bike or if I had ran into tapped into something. He said that maybe the safety switch cut it off to find it and push the reset button and see if that worked. I finally was able to look it up and found it. We had take the panel off the door jam and under the side inside the truck and he found it and said it didn’t feel like the button was out but he tried pushing it and things. Truck still wouldn’t start. Then he tapped on it with something and it again started for a minute but then died again.

My friend he bosses wife called me back see what was going on. I asked her to go by my house see if there was a tow strap there because I couldn’t get the kids and she was a block away from it. She said she was talking to her husband he was going to call me in a few minutes when he got done doing what he was doing about towing me. I told her that our friend that I was with said he could tow it with his truck but he didn’t have a strap. She said she call me back in a few minutes after she went to my house. He found a rope in the mean time I called her back. She said she was on her way to her moms to drop the food she just picked up off and one of the guys from the shop was going to get a strap from somewhere. I told her we had a rope that we were okay. I then asked her where I should tow it to? My house or the shop? Because he was wanting to take it to the shop so they could look at it and fix it. I told him I didn’t know if he would or could and that I didn’t know if he wanted me to take it there and have it siting or not because I didn’t have money to fix it right now. He said okay we will just tow it to your house then. I said probably best I don’t know that I even want them working on it truly. Then my friend called back and said he said for us to take it to the shop and drop it off. She came and met us and followed behind us so that no one would come up on us and hit us. We took the back roads around and into the place so we didn’t have to cross back and forth across the highway. Because you have to go across the highway then in less than a block turn back and go back across it. The one spot you have to jump across they have had many really bad accidents there. The last one was deadly not that long ago. I am glad he thought of the back road right there we could go down behind the shop and everything come out just above the shop so we would be on the same side of the road not have to cross it. My friend was like I don’t think he can get your truck down that road. I said I don’t know why if he can get his or yours down it there is not reason mine won’t fit down it. It did with no problems.

We got it parked and unhooked I asked her if she would run me to the store and home because he had the guy for the boat coming and needed to get home. Now I am sitting her with no truck and no idea when I will get it back. I have class two days this week and my little one had school. I have an appointment in the morning at 9. I was thinking about getting up early and walking to my appointment but now it is going to be in the 30’s tonight and only a high of 65 tomorrow. That means it won’t hit 65 until sometime late tomorrow after noon and going to be cold at the time I have to get up and start walking. Me and him were talking about it he asked me when my appointment was because I had said the other night I had to call tell them I wasn’t coming first thing Monday. He said I better call before that. Then today I told him I thought I was going to go until I seen how cold it was going to be. He said you need to go. I said but I would have to walk and I don’t want to walk in the cold. He said oh yeah and ask what time it was. I told him he said he would take me but he couldn’t because he had the kids and they wouldn’t get picked up until 945. I told him it was okay I just call and tell them I couldn’t come I would call back when I got my ride straight.

I can’t believe this happen with my truck, I just told him and my friend that when I finished and dropped him off I was calling the guy about selling it and see if he still wanted it. Then this happens. I didn’t want to put anymore money into it if I was going to sell it. I was going to sell it because I know it needs work and I rather put the money I would put into the work it needs into another truck. The guy knew it needed work and was still interested in it so if he wanted it I give it to him. I guess I will know something tomorrow or Tuesday whenever the guys get back in the shop and have time to mess with it. I just want to cry really. I don’t have the money to put into it or the time to wait for it to get done.

{January 14, 2018}   Devastated

I had a nice long talk with the guy I have been talking to Thursday and we talked again for a little bit last night.

Thursday he was devastated when he called me. We talked a minute then he said he had to tell me something or wanted to something like that. He said he lost his job today. He ask me not to say anything because I was only 2nd person who knew. I told him it wasn’t my business to be telling anyone he didn’t have to worry about that.

We talked for a bit he ask me what I was doing. I told him getting dressed going to the beach in a little bit. I guess he didn’t understand me. I ask him if he wanted to go he said maybe then in little bit he said yeah. We went on talking he was down about losing his job he couldn’t believe it he done all he could and had never lost a job before things. I said but look all I have heard since we started talking is you hate your job. You live there you have no life. You wanted to find another you never have a break or vacation days. I said how did you think you were going to find another job when your at this one before places open and do not go home until they close? I said yes it sucks to be fired, yes it was dirty the way they did it, but you can get unemployment, you will have a break not go from one job into another with none. I said now you have time to look for, apply and interview at other places so you can get something better. I know but I can’t do the things I need to do. I have the kids to do for and do things for, i can’t help the something he said, I wasn’t sure what he meant. I said you will make sure the kids have what they need you know that, I know that just the little i know you. I said they don’t need a everything or do everything. I said your going to be their more for them, your going to be more than just a stressed out body that’s just there. I said your going to be happier and be more present and that is going to be a lot to them. That is enough just being with you doing things like the park or whatever.

He said whatever again I ask him what he was talking about. He said like you if we were together and you needed help I can’t and I should be able to and want to. I said its fine He said no its not if you need something I want to help you. I said I have made it happen this long, I can keep making it happen. I am not looking for someone for what I can get or what they can do for me. He said yeah but i would want to help you or whoever i was with. I what you must think of me because I lost my job. I said I do not think any different of you now than I did before. It happens it’s life. I said it is not like you are losing your job every week, month or even few days. Because I know some like that. I said and your worried about it and already taking steps to get a new one so its not a big deal.

We ended up hanging up he had to go. I said I text or call you when I get ready to go. He ask where? I said the beach, I am going to do a few things here and then I will be ready. He was like your going tonight? I said yes I told you. He said I didn’t know you meant tonight I thought you meant tomorrow. I said no it is going be cold. He said you can’t go down there at night by yourself. Its not safe, I use to bounce out there you need stay away from down there by yourself at night. I said I be okay, I been down there a lot. He said no its not your not safe. I said something I could tell he was getting mad and upset. He finally said ugh alright ic your going go stay where its lit up and good lights. I just said I be okay and we hung up.

Later I text ask if he was mad? I said I just been wanting to go, most the time I find someone to go no one wants to go. I just want to get out clear my head or what. He said no not mad at you, just be safe I know how it is done there. I would go but I am dealing with all that has happen today and I don’t want to go out with you in the mood I am in now. If we go out I want to be in a better mood and things. I shouldn’t of dump on you basically what he said. I told him he was fine I wasn’t worried about that but I understood.

I had to do somethings here with the kids and fed the kids. Some how me and him ended up back on the phone together. I don’t know how or why but we did. We talked for a little bit and my little one kept coming in wanting this or that and complaining about the other kids and everything else. I finally told them I was leaving I would be back in a little while. I didn’t end up at the beach at that point. I told him I was out for a little bit if he wanted to meet up and just talk that was fine. He said he wasn’t going out tonight but if I wanted to come over he meet me out front we could talk or what. I said okay that be fine. I didn’t have anywhere to go and don’t know where we would of sat and talked anyway. Then he said no just forget it or something so I ended up going over behind the plaza and trailer park across town and sat in this little are a by a lake thing they have dug out there.

I sat there for a couple of hours just talking to him and listening to him. He told me he liked talking to me and it made him feel better when he talked me to me and things. He said that our friend that we met each other through was telling him he should ask me out and things. He said you seem like a really awesome girl and she says that you are and that we would be good together. He said he told her he didn’t know if I was interested he didn’t think I liked him and things. She told him he should just try and see what happen or how things went. He said some more ask me a few things.

I started to say a few things he stopped me, or wasn’t listening really. I finally said can I say something or I have something to say okay. Can I be honest with you? You can take it how every you want to take it and do whatever you want to do with it. I said you can say whatever you want to say good or bad it won’t bother me and I will understand. I’m just going to put it all out there. I don’t remember what he said but I could tell he wasn’t sure about what I was going to say and a little worried maybe.

I said look you keep saying this that and the other and you don’t know or that I said this before, referring to not what I was looking for and not sure if I am interested. I said I like you, you seem like a really decent guy. I would be interested in getting together getting to know each other and see what we think and where things go from there. I said I can’t say a lot because I don’t know anymore than what I hear on the other end of the phone and the messages I get. I need more than that. I want to meet you get to know you. He stopped me and said really? Like he was shocked. He started to say other stuff and I stopped him. I said no I am not done, I said something else he started talking again. I said hush and listen you not allowed to talk right now that is the problem you don’t listen you just think everyone this or that and no one this or that. I said you need to get over that. I said you have to get over the no good enough and making excuses for things when no one has even said anything wrong or negative just because you think they are going to. I said now let me finish.

I said I am looking to take things slow, I am not looking to rush into anything. I want someone to date do things with and get to know get to be friends as we go. I said I am not looking for someone who is just here for here and now or until something better comes alone, I am not looking for someone that is just in it for what I can do for them or what they can get, I am looking for something that is going to be long term. I said I am not looking for sex not with you or anyone right now if I am talking to someone I am not going to be with someone else until. I said if I am talking to someone then I am willing to wait until I am ready to be with that person just as I expect that if someone is talking to me they are willing to wait not talking to or being with someone else. I said it isn’t you it is with anyone I meet that is not something I am looking for or to get into right away. I told him that I knew he had kids just like he knew I had kids and that it didn’t bother me that was fine. But that I did not want him meeting my kids nor did I want to meet his kids anytime soon. That I wanted to wait until we had decided where things were that it was going somewhere and that a relationship was what we wanted and had been together a little while. I told him that knowing that he had kids I understood they came first and that he was doing his best to be there for them and take care of them and the I wanted someone to understand where I was coming from and that my kids came first and that I am the only one that does it all for them I don’t have help and things like that it is just me and them. That it isn’t easy and sometimes plans get changed or things happen or I get busy and do not always have a lot of time. That I wanted someone that understood that and wasn’t going to get mad or hold that against me well I am always busy or what. I said just like I wouldn’t you or someone else. I said I want someone that is going to be there to talk to and do things with but don’t have to be here all the time and still knows that everything is alright or that I am not messing around with someone else. I said I just want someone that is going to be honest and upfront I am tired of games and being lied to and used.

He said no he understood about not bringing the kids into it for a while. I said they all get brought into it then they get use to each other and the other person and then if something happens they just end up hurt in the end. That isn’t fair or right to them and I don’t want to lose kids again. I told him I did that before and brought them in to soon and everyone ended up hurt and I did too. That they were little and don’t remember it to much and that I wasn’t messing up and making that mistake again with them. He didn’t have a problem with that, he agreed.

He was kind of surprised I think by all I had to say. But he was okay with it all and agreed with most of it. He said he didn’t want to just date and play around he wanted to find someone that was looking for more than just going out or being “friends”.

We talked a while longer and he was starting to fall a sleep from being up so early and it getting so late. I told him I would talk to him tomorrow to go to bed I needed to get home to the kids anyway. He said somethings that didn’t even make since. I said okay goodnight and hung up.

He is really hard to understand on the phone I don’t know what it is. I think he talks kind of low because he don’t want everyone else around in the house to hear him and a lot of times his kids are there and sleeping. Then he isn’t close to the phone or what. I have to keep telling him I can’t hear him, he is mumbled or what. I know he gets aggravated but I don’t want to not know what he is saying either of act like I do and I have no idea.

{January 10, 2018}   A Decent Guy

Why are men so dense? I don’t get it, I have been talking to this guy since the night of my birthday and he seems clueless. We have not met just talked on the phone but he is good friends with some of my close friends and family. He has been through a lot with his ex wife and divorcing. They haven’t been together for a year or more and he is just waiting for the court date to finish the divorce.

At first we were just talking and joking around that night I was out for my birthday with my friends. My friend started messaging him and then I sent him a message. We had messaged each other once months ago. He messaged me out of the blue over something another friend of ours had said on line. But that was it. But when we were out the other night we were all joking and she was saying stuff to him and things. I messaged him told him I don’t know what she is saying but she is drunk so don’t listen to her because god only knows what she is telling you I said. She is trying to get us together. She has told me about him for a while now. But I wasn’t interested at the time. I wasn’t looking really and busy. She will say some out there stuff and say stuff joking but others don’t know she is joking or not sure where she is going with things sometimes and when she is drinking for get it. Since we have been texting and he started calling me in the evenings when he gets off work and gets home.

He seems like a really nice guy who has been through hell with his divorce, that has left him hurt and dealing with things. He found out about things she was doing behind his back, like getting credit cards and charging $50,000 worth of stuff and getting loans and things. She hid it all, he had no clue until he went to try and buy them a house and they told him he couldn’t because of all his debt. They stayed together he paid it off and was trying to work it out but she then up and decided she was going to leave anyway. There was more as well but I don’t know what all. He told me I just don’t remember it all we have talked about so much in such a short time. Most the time is when we can get away from the kids and talk for a few here and there until they need one of us.

At first there was some joking around about sex and things when we were all talking and then after when we were messaging. A few times I kind of was bothered by it, not what was said or that we were talking or joking about it but just that it seemed excessive. I said to him your not offering what I am looking for. Something was said again later when a few of us were talking together and I told him again but that isn’t what I am looking for your not offering what I am looking for. Talking about sex. I am not rushing into anything with anyone again. Later he told my friend he didn’t think I was interested I had told him a few times I like to meet and get to know each other and things.

A day or two later we were talking and he said I need to say something and I just want to be honest with you and I hope that’s okay. I said of-course I would hope you would be honest with me about whatever it is. He said no but I am sorry if I offended, you with anything I have said and I hope that you don’t have a bad idea or picture of me or who I am and what I am about. He said we all started out the other night joking around and the last few days and I think it went to far. I should of never went there and let it go that far. I said no I don’t I understand and I think we all said somethings that got switched up and miss understood. He said something about me saying he wasn’t offering what I was looking for and things. I explained to him what I meant by that and told him that I would still like to get together and meet get to know each other and see where things go. We talked some more and have since.

We never set any set plans. He works 50/60 hours a week and has his kids from Friday night to Monday. He can’t leave them because his parents don’t want to watch them even if they are sleeping. The time he gets off it was cold and raining out and he have to go home get cleaned up and been in the cold and things all day so I hadn’t really pushed it or tried to set anything up. I don’t have money right now either to just say hey lets meet here or there and just hang out and talk. I know he would pay but I still want to have my own money and things when we go.

I think I am going to ask him if we wants to get together go walk down the beach or by the river tomorrow why it is warm. It is going to be cold again this weekend and he will have his kids. I have mine but my older two can watch the younger two. His kids are to young to stay alone they are only like 3 and 8/9.

But he still said to my friend he don’t know if I am interested and that he don’t think I am. I don’t know what else I can do, I thought telling him I still like to get together and do something and things he would get it. But I guess not, guys can be so dense sometimes I swear. I think too he might be afraid. He has talked to me a lot about what he went through with his ex wife and how that everyone says they want a good guy and someone that will treat them good but when he tries they aren’t interested in him, he gets shot down. I think a lot of it is because he is trying way to hard and he is so lonely because he hasn’t dated since his divorce and separated. I don’t know it is hard to explain. I know when my friend first told me about him I was like um nope, no thank you, he has issues. But after talking to him he seems okay just been through a lot and trying to work through what he has been through and still going through dealing with his ex.

He has a good job, he don’t go out and party all the time, he isn’t into drinking and drugs. He have a drink but not every day or all the time. His kids come first he is all about making sure they have what they need and taking care of them. He just wants someone to be with and to talk care of, someone to be there for him, because of him not because what he is doing or giving them. He hasn’t been into any kind of trouble or anything like that.

He is like I am over games, over people only here for the here and now and only for what they can get or are getting. Just want to meet someone decent and be happy someone that understand he has kids and will accept them as well. That he don’t have to worry about them around his kids. He isn’t running around with just everyone that comes along or whoever will talk to him. He really looking for someone who is decent. He wants someone that wants to go to church and take the kids to church and do things with them but also to have time alone and go out.

He seems like one of them to good to be true kind of things. I keep saying that to myself but then at the same time maybe it isn’t, maybe for once something good is going to happen for me. But at the same time I am scared as hell because I don’t want to put myself out there and be hurt again like I was with R.C.  But I also know if I don’t put myself out there I am never going to meet anyone and he is a lot better off in a lot of ways than most the guys I have meet or that have been talking to me. He isn’t that much older than me. He is going to be 41 in July. so about 3.5 years. The other one I was talking to was 44 and one of the others was 50. I don’t want someone that is 50 or someone with grown kids and grand kids already. Not that there is anything wrong with either one, hell you know I have 4 of my own. But I like his kids are younger like mine. I like to meet someone with younger kids or kids closer to my kids ages so that we can form a relationship or what and the kids hopefully could too. Where when they are grown and they have kids of their own it is a little harder and probably not going to happen really.

I think I am going to talk to him tonight just tell him you know what lets meet see how things go. I know you said you didn’t think I was interested but I am. I’m not going to lie I’m scared putting myself out there so maybe I have sent mixed signals so I am putting it out there. You asked if this and that was something I am interested in let you know so I am letting you know yes I am. Just see how it goes from there.

I just hope that he understand that I don’t want him to meet the kids for a little while and that I don’t mind he has kids but I don’t want to meet them either for a while. I think he will but I don’t know with him. He was talking about another girl he was talking to and how they did stuff and her kids liked him and things. But I don’t know how long they have been talking and I think they are more friends than anything else. He wanted more but she really don’t. I am to the point I don’t want my kids meeting friends or someone I am interested in as more for a while. I let them meet Starfish and he was just a friend and look what he done. They had gotten to know him liked him and was disappointed when he did what he did and didn’t come back.

{January 9, 2018}   Failed My Daughter

As I sat here tonight messing with one of those mindless apps that my oldest showed me and my mind started to wonder. I have a lot of things from the past on my mind the last few days.

I started thinking about her and somethings that have happen the last few months and days. But first let me say when I decided to get a divorce there were a lot of reasons why, but one of my biggest reasons was all the abuse and different forms of abuse my children were witnessing just about daily.

I did not want my boys growing up thinking this was how you treated your girlfriend, wife or any other women in their life. I also did not want my daughter (only had one at the time) to grow up thinking this is how her boyfriend, husband, or any other guy was supposed to treat her.

Tonight I realized that when I left it was to late I had already failed my daughter and her view of how a guy should treat her was already formed.

Last year she came home and with a lot of prompting finally told me that this new boy in her class twisted her arm behind her back and wouldn’t let go. She was telling him he was hurting her and to let go and he wouldn’t stop. He was not playing he was pissed off because she wasn’t doing what he wanted or wouldn’t give him what he wanted while they were playing ball.

I ask her what she did and she said nothing he finally let her go and she went on and played something else. I ask if she told anyone or what teaches or other kids said? She said teachers didn’t say anything she didn’t know if they seen it and the other kids just told him he needed to let her go and that was about it. I ask her what she did to defend herself and she said nothing. She didn’t want to get in trouble. I ask her if she told the teachers or did anything about it when he finally let her go and she said no. When asked why she made excuses mostly for him and how she didn’t want to get him in anymore trouble since he was already in a ton and it was only his first day and he let her go it wasn’t that bad. But she was almost in tears at the time and was upset when she was telling me about it. I was so mad I hit the roof. I told her I didn’t care where she was or who it was or what she thought may or may not happen that if a boy ever put his hands on her again she had better stand up for herself and fight back anyway she could. Once she got away she had better find whoever was there to handle things and make them aware of it as well. That she was not to let anyone put their hands on her and for sure not a boy/guy/man.

Fast forward to last week when she started talking to a friend online. He is a sweet kid and looks at her as a best friend. He was asking if they could do things this Summer. He told her that if they were out somewhere together he would keep her safe. He told her if they were in public she needed to go back to the car or to get something he would go with her to make sure nothing happen to her. He had talk to me and told me the same thing. He told me he thought of her as a best friend and just wanted to make sure she was safe and that nothing happen to her look out for her because that is what best friends do. I thought it was sweet and impressed to hear such a thing.

Well when he said this to her she came and showed me and felt that it was odd or creepy. She didn’t know what to say to it or how to take it. I could tell it really bothered her she came right to tell me and show me what was said. I told her he was just being nice and cared that she was safe because she was a friend and there was nothing odd or creepy about it. And went on.

Tonight for some reason both of these things came back to me and all of a sudden it struck me as funny how when the guy was being abusive she thought nothing of it tried to protect him and make excuses for him and didn’t want to say anything or for me to say anything about it the next day. But when a guy is being decent and wants to treat her good and make sure others do and nothing happens to her, her first thought is that it isn’t right and something is wrong. It hit me that as young as she was and getting her out of it didn’t stop it from effecting her and forming her thought of normal. And now I am left to undo all that she seen and learned. To make her understand that yest this is how things were but this is not how it was supposed to be and this is why I got out. To make her see that yes what he is saying is great and what she should be looking for in friendships and relationships. And make her believe it and pray that she does it and what has been done can be undone and she don’t end up in a relationship like I did and that if she does that she is strong enough to get out and to ask for help if she needs it and knows from the be-gaining that it is not her and there is nothing wrong with her.

When I said I don’t want my boys to think this is how to treat their girlfriends, friends, wives and other women in their lives and I don’t want my daughter to think this is how guy friends, boyfriends, or a husband is supposed to treat her. Everyone laughed and said it was an excuse, it wasn’t that bad and I could say because they wouldn’t think that or learn that. No one looks at things that way that is just me and my way of making it okay to leave. I didn’t have to make it okay in my mind for me to leave because I knew that I should of never been treated that way from the start. I didn’t have to make it okay for anyone else because it is mine and my kids lives and were the ones living in the abuse not anyone else. I said it because it was true and everyone talks about breaking the cycle of abuse we have this cycle because so many do not think about the kids and how it effects them or what they are picking up, learning and seeing. They think they are to little to be effaced or that they would never do that because they seen how it hurt their mom or they see how it hurt them. No they learn that this is how we handle things, even if they didn’t like it, it is just normal in their mind and the way things are done. Few will change and not follow in the same path but the sad fact is many will. I grew up in a home with abuse I hated it and did everything I could to stay away from it and I still ended up in the situation. Guess what my ex grew up in a home with his mother was abused and he was by his father.

So if you are in an abusive relationship if you don’t get out for yourself get out for your kids. Because rather you want to believe or not they are being effected and most likely will go on to abuse or be abused later in life. And if this isn’t true then why is abuse so prevalent? Why do we need battered women’s shelters and women’s centers? These guys are learning it from somewhere and these girls are learning its okay from somewhere.

I know it is long but I felt it is something that needs to be said and maybe seeing it from someone that has been there done that and seeing the effects will convince someone to get out. There is help out there. If you need it ask, you can in box me and ask, I can give you numbers and names of places to call and help as much as I can even if it is just for support.

{January 9, 2018}   Re:A Business Loan

That was short and not so sweet, just as I expected. I was there maybe 5 minutes and leaving.

She ask what I was there for and I told her. She then ask if I had been established for two year or more. I told her no I was just trying to start and open up. She said they can’t help me and that I needed to register with the state and things like that get things rolling. I don’t want to do that if I don’t have money to do anything. She was not helpful with any information. I know people do things like this all the time I just don’t know how or where to start to get the money to make it happen.

I have my eye on this old motel that has been closed a long time. It was a motel with a house and a restaurant all together. It isn’t anything big maybe a dozen or so rooms. Someone years back went in and started remolding it and doing some stuff to it. What I have heard is they got into things they should not have lost their money and they had to do it and everything else and it has since just sat. They closed up everything it looks like made the house and restaurant all one area. I would open it back up into a store. Then I could move there do away with my rent and bills at my house, live there run the motel and open the store I have been wanting to open as well. I could kill three birds with one stone for say. I still want to move but I would stay a little longer and get it all off the ground and running good.

Once I had it going I thought about letting me sister and her husband move in and live in the house. He works she could run the motel and the store and live there rent free. If they didn’t want to do it I know others who I could trust to do it. Once I had it all turning over good profit and things I could then turn around and sell it. I could get my money and then some out of it. It is in a good location for the motel and a good location for a store right on the side of a busy highway and freeway. And there is a flea market right across the street so people who would be going there would stop and come in the store seeing as you have to drive right by it to get there or leave pretty much.

I just wish that I could figure out how to get the money to back it and get it started. I know people who could do the work and not charge me a ton and I could do some of it or help with a lot of it. The store would not be hard at all because I have more than enough to put in it and if I take everything on consignment then they only make money if I make money I won’t be paying out for inventory.

I just want to find someone who has done it can sit down with me walk me through what and how to do it and help me do it all. I am a fast learner and smart about a lot of things but this is one thing I do not know about. I rather start something I had the money already to start but I think this would take off and make me money faster and be less stress for me because I wouldn’t have to worry about bills at the business and at home I would have it all right there in one. I could take my bill money I have now every month and roll it into what I made to help cover everything so I wouldn’t be putting as much out.

I am trying to find out information on the building to see if I can get a hold of someone talk to them about it. I need to know who owns it what they are thinking of doing with it, if they want to rent it sell it, how much they want for it and things like that. If the same person owns it they may just want to get rid of it quick or they may be interested in renting it and having money come in off of it every month. So many questions and so much to figure out. I still want to move but I think things are going to be tied up in court and I am going to have to put it off until a little later anyway. I just have to wait and see what happens. But this would give me something to do here make some money on and be able to have money and show income coming in when I move to help back me and get property and things when I do get where I am going as well. If I got this I may consider staying and going ahead and finishing my degree. But odds are I would go as soon as I had my court stuff done and the businesses up and running good and someone trained to take over for me.

et cetera
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