{January 14, 2018}   Devastated

I had a nice long talk with the guy I have been talking to Thursday and we talked again for a little bit last night.

Thursday he was devastated when he called me. We talked a minute then he said he had to tell me something or wanted to something like that. He said he lost his job today. He ask me not to say anything because I was only 2nd person who knew. I told him it wasn’t my business to be telling anyone he didn’t have to worry about that.

We talked for a bit he ask me what I was doing. I told him getting dressed going to the beach in a little bit. I guess he didn’t understand me. I ask him if he wanted to go he said maybe then in little bit he said yeah. We went on talking he was down about losing his job he couldn’t believe it he done all he could and had never lost a job before things. I said but look all I have heard since we started talking is you hate your job. You live there you have no life. You wanted to find another you never have a break or vacation days. I said how did you think you were going to find another job when your at this one before places open and do not go home until they close? I said yes it sucks to be fired, yes it was dirty the way they did it, but you can get unemployment, you will have a break not go from one job into another with none. I said now you have time to look for, apply and interview at other places so you can get something better. I know but I can’t do the things I need to do. I have the kids to do for and do things for, i can’t help the something he said, I wasn’t sure what he meant. I said you will make sure the kids have what they need you know that, I know that just the little i know you. I said they don’t need a everything or do everything. I said your going to be their more for them, your going to be more than just a stressed out body that’s just there. I said your going to be happier and be more present and that is going to be a lot to them. That is enough just being with you doing things like the park or whatever.

He said whatever again I ask him what he was talking about. He said like you if we were together and you needed help I can’t and I should be able to and want to. I said its fine He said no its not if you need something I want to help you. I said I have made it happen this long, I can keep making it happen. I am not looking for someone for what I can get or what they can do for me. He said yeah but i would want to help you or whoever i was with. I what you must think of me because I lost my job. I said I do not think any different of you now than I did before. It happens it’s life. I said it is not like you are losing your job every week, month or even few days. Because I know some like that. I said and your worried about it and already taking steps to get a new one so its not a big deal.

We ended up hanging up he had to go. I said I text or call you when I get ready to go. He ask where? I said the beach, I am going to do a few things here and then I will be ready. He was like your going tonight? I said yes I told you. He said I didn’t know you meant tonight I thought you meant tomorrow. I said no it is going be cold. He said you can’t go down there at night by yourself. Its not safe, I use to bounce out there you need stay away from down there by yourself at night. I said I be okay, I been down there a lot. He said no its not your not safe. I said something I could tell he was getting mad and upset. He finally said ugh alright ic your going go stay where its lit up and good lights. I just said I be okay and we hung up.

Later I text ask if he was mad? I said I just been wanting to go, most the time I find someone to go no one wants to go. I just want to get out clear my head or what. He said no not mad at you, just be safe I know how it is done there. I would go but I am dealing with all that has happen today and I don’t want to go out with you in the mood I am in now. If we go out I want to be in a better mood and things. I shouldn’t of dump on you basically what he said. I told him he was fine I wasn’t worried about that but I understood.

I had to do somethings here with the kids and fed the kids. Some how me and him ended up back on the phone together. I don’t know how or why but we did. We talked for a little bit and my little one kept coming in wanting this or that and complaining about the other kids and everything else. I finally told them I was leaving I would be back in a little while. I didn’t end up at the beach at that point. I told him I was out for a little bit if he wanted to meet up and just talk that was fine. He said he wasn’t going out tonight but if I wanted to come over he meet me out front we could talk or what. I said okay that be fine. I didn’t have anywhere to go and don’t know where we would of sat and talked anyway. Then he said no just forget it or something so I ended up going over behind the plaza and trailer park across town and sat in this little are a by a lake thing they have dug out there.

I sat there for a couple of hours just talking to him and listening to him. He told me he liked talking to me and it made him feel better when he talked me to me and things. He said that our friend that we met each other through was telling him he should ask me out and things. He said you seem like a really awesome girl and she says that you are and that we would be good together. He said he told her he didn’t know if I was interested he didn’t think I liked him and things. She told him he should just try and see what happen or how things went. He said some more ask me a few things.

I started to say a few things he stopped me, or wasn’t listening really. I finally said can I say something or I have something to say okay. Can I be honest with you? You can take it how every you want to take it and do whatever you want to do with it. I said you can say whatever you want to say good or bad it won’t bother me and I will understand. I’m just going to put it all out there. I don’t remember what he said but I could tell he wasn’t sure about what I was going to say and a little worried maybe.

I said look you keep saying this that and the other and you don’t know or that I said this before, referring to not what I was looking for and not sure if I am interested. I said I like you, you seem like a really decent guy. I would be interested in getting together getting to know each other and see what we think and where things go from there. I said I can’t say a lot because I don’t know anymore than what I hear on the other end of the phone and the messages I get. I need more than that. I want to meet you get to know you. He stopped me and said really? Like he was shocked. He started to say other stuff and I stopped him. I said no I am not done, I said something else he started talking again. I said hush and listen you not allowed to talk right now that is the problem you don’t listen you just think everyone this or that and no one this or that. I said you need to get over that. I said you have to get over the no good enough and making excuses for things when no one has even said anything wrong or negative just because you think they are going to. I said now let me finish.

I said I am looking to take things slow, I am not looking to rush into anything. I want someone to date do things with and get to know get to be friends as we go. I said I am not looking for someone who is just here for here and now or until something better comes alone, I am not looking for someone that is just in it for what I can do for them or what they can get, I am looking for something that is going to be long term. I said I am not looking for sex not with you or anyone right now if I am talking to someone I am not going to be with someone else until. I said if I am talking to someone then I am willing to wait until I am ready to be with that person just as I expect that if someone is talking to me they are willing to wait not talking to or being with someone else. I said it isn’t you it is with anyone I meet that is not something I am looking for or to get into right away. I told him that I knew he had kids just like he knew I had kids and that it didn’t bother me that was fine. But that I did not want him meeting my kids nor did I want to meet his kids anytime soon. That I wanted to wait until we had decided where things were that it was going somewhere and that a relationship was what we wanted and had been together a little while. I told him that knowing that he had kids I understood they came first and that he was doing his best to be there for them and take care of them and the I wanted someone to understand where I was coming from and that my kids came first and that I am the only one that does it all for them I don’t have help and things like that it is just me and them. That it isn’t easy and sometimes plans get changed or things happen or I get busy and do not always have a lot of time. That I wanted someone that understood that and wasn’t going to get mad or hold that against me well I am always busy or what. I said just like I wouldn’t you or someone else. I said I want someone that is going to be there to talk to and do things with but don’t have to be here all the time and still knows that everything is alright or that I am not messing around with someone else. I said I just want someone that is going to be honest and upfront I am tired of games and being lied to and used.

He said no he understood about not bringing the kids into it for a while. I said they all get brought into it then they get use to each other and the other person and then if something happens they just end up hurt in the end. That isn’t fair or right to them and I don’t want to lose kids again. I told him I did that before and brought them in to soon and everyone ended up hurt and I did too. That they were little and don’t remember it to much and that I wasn’t messing up and making that mistake again with them. He didn’t have a problem with that, he agreed.

He was kind of surprised I think by all I had to say. But he was okay with it all and agreed with most of it. He said he didn’t want to just date and play around he wanted to find someone that was looking for more than just going out or being “friends”.

We talked a while longer and he was starting to fall a sleep from being up so early and it getting so late. I told him I would talk to him tomorrow to go to bed I needed to get home to the kids anyway. He said somethings that didn’t even make since. I said okay goodnight and hung up.

He is really hard to understand on the phone I don’t know what it is. I think he talks kind of low because he don’t want everyone else around in the house to hear him and a lot of times his kids are there and sleeping. Then he isn’t close to the phone or what. I have to keep telling him I can’t hear him, he is mumbled or what. I know he gets aggravated but I don’t want to not know what he is saying either of act like I do and I have no idea.

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