I’m Sorry I’m I’m Sorry So Sorry

Wednesday once I got back from getting forks I sat down to eat my lunch. Next thing I know all the guys are in the office gathered around for whatever reason. Mind you our is shed he bought and made into a office to fit the little bit of space that we have and just something to do the job. So we are all pretty close. The boss was sitting at his desk and two of the guys were standing up between our desk, while starfish had come in and sat in the chair next to my desk to be out of the way.

I was mixing my salad and putting dressing on it and doing something on the computer, not really paying attention to what they were all doing or talking about. They were waiting on the boss to get off the phone I know. He got off the phone and they started talking and joking around. The boss was talking about his jug with change in it under his desk how he was hiding it from the ol lady and kids and saving money. One said well now you said something in front of her bff she is going to know now. Me and her have been friends for about 8 years or more and always together. She is the one I go out with lately and things. I just smiled and shook my head and didn’t look up or say anything. I don’t care me and her hardly ever talk about what is going on up there or anything about up there. Unless she brings it up and even then if she don’t bring up parts of it that happen or went on then I don’t tell her. I know how things are between them and how everything is. I am not going to say something and start anything if she didn’t know because he only tells her what he wants her to know. But most the time she already knows everything anyway.

I was fixing my food and looking at the computer and they finished talking about the money jar and hiding it from the ol lady and everything they all were still just standing around there. The boss said something about them all standing around and the one said something about starting a circle jerk, another pipped up and said who was starting while the other said he the boss and sitting down so, about that time starfish pipes up and says she is here today she could start it.

I wish I could of seen the other guys faces and the bosses face for sure, because before I could even look up and no sooner than it came out of his mouth he was falling all over his self saying he was sorry. By the time I could turn my head and look up he had his hands in the air was half off his chair I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so sorry and reaching over toward where the boss was almost on his knees. I just laughed and went on doing what I was doing. I didn’t even know what to say because of his reaction all I could do was laugh. I wasn’t mad I didn’t care. I am use to being around a bunch of guys and all the comments and things so it didn’t bother me. I think he was more worried about the boss and what he was going to say or do and maybe that one of us was going to knock the hell out of him the way he was looking and falling all over. No one said anything everyone went on as normal but I bet the boss said something outside when they all went back out.

I just found it funny. It was just one of those things that comes out before you even think about it or what. then your mind catches up with what your mouth just said and your like fuck I said that out loud. I think his reaction was funny than anything.

Omens, Superstition, Unexplained

This past Wednesday was a very odd day. The older kids ride wasn’t coming so I had to take everyone to school, not a big deal it wasn’t a class day and I had my appointment for therapy a few blocks away from their school at the same time. We all got ready, dropped my little one off and we headed to their school. We got there a little early so we sat in the truck waiting. I told the they could go sit with the other kids about 10 minutes to 9 so that I could get to where I had to go on time.

I got to therapy and talked to her for my hours, even our session just seemed off and odd but I am not sure why. After I left there I went to the shop to work. I got there and put my salad in the fridge and went in and started going through my basket of stuff to file. I had been checking it off and on when I went in for other things and there wasn’t really anything in it. But when I went in Tuesday there was a huge stack of stuff on my desk and then when I pulled the basket out Wednesday there was a ton of stuff in it. I guess Someone had added a 2nd folder in the basket I didn’t notice and was just looking on top of the folder for stuff. because nothing ever gets put under the one in it. The one in it was one I put things in that I don’t take care of that is left for the boss to decide what to do with it. I cleaned the stack up cleaned the basket out.

In a little bit Starfish came in and ask if I was going to be there for a little while? I told him yes I was working on some stuff and he said okay everyone was at lunch and him and the other guy was going to lunch I was going to be there alone. I said okay that was fine. I went to got my lunch out of the fridge and took it inside. I notice I didn’t have a fork and seen they hadn’t left yet they were getting washed up. I ask where they were going? He ask why, what did I want a drink? I said yeah and a fork because I didn’t have any in the truck the kids had tossed the box I had in the truck out or taken it in the house. He said there were some drinks in the fridge to grab one of them if I wanted it. I said okay then would they please just bring my back a fork then. He was looking in the back of this van sitting there with all kinds of shit in the back of it that they are working on. He laughed and said there’s probably one in there if you look hard enough. I said that’s okay I rather eat with my hands probably cleaner. He said they bring me one if they had them where they went.

I went back in worked some more and then done some other stuff. They came back and said that they didn’t have forks where they went. They went to the carry out pizza place. I told them I was going to run up to the store so they knew I wasn’t going to be there and left. I ran up the road to the Family Dollar to get a fork. I don’t go there all the time but enough. I pulled in parked and sat there in the truck a minute looking at something on my phone. I think I was messaging someone. I hear this taping on my window, I look over there is a bright red Cardinal sitting on the mirror of my truck on the passenger side. When I looked over he flew back to the widow and was trying to get in. He went back and forth a few times. I grabbed my phone and wanted to take a picture but I guess I moved to fast or something he flew away. This is an area with a small patch of trees/woods or underbrush. All around is trailers and stores with parking lots. You will see your everyday birds or what flying around once in a while but not even them to often. So to me to see a Cardinal right there and then for it to come sit on my truck out of all the cars there and everyone going in and out was just very odd to me. I know they say cardinals are a sign from someone who has passed but then they also say that a bird flying into the window or at your window is a sign of death.

I got my forks went back to work and had my lunch. By then it was about time to pick the big kids up from school since they didn’t have a ride. I picked them up and then picked my little one up and went home. Me and the kids were talking and joking around about something as I pulled up to the house. I turned onto our street and then came across the street and started into my driveway. Because as soon as you turn onto the street you turn into our drive. I just turn and pull across. As my tires hit the drive and we started pulling in all of a sudden I see something out of the corner of my eye move and hear this loud sound almost like rain. My oldest was sitting in the front with me and she kind of jumped and had this look on her face. I was like what was that? By this point I am parked turning the truck off. It was this string of beads with a cross on it that is hanging from the rear-view mirror. The string broke and all the beads and cross just fell in the floor everywhere. No one had touched it no one was even close to it. It turned kind of to the left and everything fell off. If it had been hanging straight down like it was the beads would of been all over the middle by the consul of the truck and down by my feet. They were all down on my oldest said of the truck by her feet but like the cross and three beads.

I have had that hanging in my trucks for the last 6 years. I had a wood one with a cross that was in my trucks. It just moved from truck to truck when I changed for years, when I got with RC he gave me this one with plastic beads it was a rosary. The two of them have just moved from truck to truck since then and ended up in this one. The wood one my little one pulled on and broke a few months to year back. So this is the only one that has been up there. I didn’t keep them for any reason or keep it because he gave it to me. I just have this thing that I don’t feel that you should just throw crosses away it isn’t the right thing to do. Then they always just been in my truck that I just was use to them so I just moved them to the next one and the next and so on. No one knows what to think of that at all. The other odd thing is that the string never fell, it isn’t stuck nothing is holding it there or anything like that, but it today is still hanging there. It just looks like you snipped it let the beads fall off. You would think all the beads fell off not one left on it and as thin as it is with all the driving I have done and the air and windows being open and all that it would have fell off by now. Even with the doors being closed and things shaking the truck it would of fell but it has’t. I still don’t know what to think about the bird or that happening. I still think it is very weird. So far knock on wood nothing has happen yet. That I know of. I told my oldest maybe something happened to RC the beads was a way to get me to think of him. She just laughed and then said um how could we find out if something did? She wasn’t to sure what to think either.

My Internship

Monday night I see any email from the lady about my internship saying they were going to have a thing on Tuesday at 9. That was great because I have class that day 8 to 9:15 but I didn’t want to be put off for another week or two so I told her I would leave early and come but I might be 10 minutes late or so. I went to class Tuesday to tell them I needed to leave early, I knew it wouldn’t be a big deal this professor is really easy going and understanding. One of the other girls had to miss the day for her job that day he didn’t have a problem with it. I wasn’t worried about missing anything because it is a pretty easy class. I got there and there was someone different there. He said he was our guest speaker for the day. I told him I needed to leave, what time and how come. He didn’t have a problem with it at all.

The class is group counseling skills, we go over the chapter and then have a “group” most days. But on normal days we sit at our tables and just go around the room and we talk about our papers that are coming up or just whatever is going on in other classes. The last class before this one we spend the class talking about the school shootings that happen not that far away from us.

Tuesday our guest speaker or whatever decided to have a real group and had us all come sit in a circle in the front of the class. He had us all go around the room and introduce ourselves, tell how many kids we had and how old they are. From there we just kind of picked up on different things others said about ages or things like that. One girl said is it okay to not like your kid sometimes? She said because I love my kid but sometimes I do not like him? We all laughed and told her of course. I said I tell mine I have had enough right now you need to get up and go to your room out of my face. I said I try to be nice but it hits a point that enough is enough and you just need to go to your room for the night give everyone a break from each other.

One of the other ladies said she had a problem with her kids dad over the weekend and the day before. She said I received child support for 3 years consistent and then he stopped paying. It just came out without thinking and before I even knew. I said 3 years your doing good!! The girl beside me said right, she doing real good. She was talking about having to go to child support court and her ex calling begging her to not go so he didn’t get in trouble and so he stay out of jail and not lose his license and things. She told him no he screwed up and things. Before it was over with me and her were both crying. I don’t know why I was just in a mood already. I am sitting here stressing because in two weeks I need all this money for bills. I need money to take my oldest on her birthday weekend and everything. She is talking and I am thinking how I can’t get any help to take this one to court, how he owes over $6000 right now what I could be doing with that and that all my bills would be paid and I could take her on her weekend trip with no worries. Have money in the bank and could get my truck fixed so it be safer for us to ride in. The teacher asked if I had something to share I then said you don’t have to if you don’t want to or aren’t ready. I didn’t I couldn’t even talk at the time. I settled down and was going to say something but then I thought about what time it was and when I looked it was time I should of been at the place for my internship so I had to get up and leave. I really wish i could of stayed it sounds like they really covered a lot from the conversation they had on Thursday.

I get there finally to fill out my papers for the internship and the lady takes me back. She says all we really have to do is fill out these papers. I could of just told her i couldn’t be there until 930 and it would not have been a problem. She handed me this one marked two training things to od on line and said this one had to be done that day the other I may as well do at the same time it only took 15 more minutes. Then she looks at me hands me this paper says this is for the drug test it has to be done today did you set it up to do it? No I didn’t I knew nothing about it until just now. I left there went to the office and did the training and drank some stuff so I would have to go when I got there. After I finished the training I went did the drug test and all that. She said I could start Friday she would have the lady in the area I was going to be working with call me.

I never hard from her so I called her on Wednesday, she called me late that afternoon left a message said she was going to be out of town next week Monday-Wednesday. That really sucked because I wanted to do my hours yesterday and all next wee and be done with my 50 hours so I could try to go get that job that I applied for that decided they wanted someone in the day time. I seen they still had it listed.

I called her back yesterday and she said that I could get my 50 hours in all at in a week or so and told me all about what I would be doing. But she can’t meet with me until Next Thursday and then will set me up to shadow with others there. So now it will be another two weeks before I can get them done. I told her I am trying to go to work that I need to be open days why I wanted to get my hours in as fast as I could but that if I had open days I wanted to still come in and work some other hours as well. She said that would be great.

I am working with an agency that works with parents to keep their kids out of foster care and out of court. She said that CPS only takes about 10% of kids out of the home and that they get the other 90%. They help them get with other services in the area to help with different things they may need help with or classes that CPS our what might feel they need. I think it will be interesting and a lot to learn so I would like to do more than my 50 hours. I feel 50 hours isn’t a lot when trying to get hands on experience like this.

I guess we will find out next week what it is going to be like.

Not My Best Week Ever

This past Thursday was 3 years that I lost my daddy to cancer and it wasn’t any easier than the day it happen. I don’t know why I was thinking it was Friday not Thursday and I was kind of mentally trying to prepare myself. It seemed to be working, until I figured out it was Thursday I was wrong. Wednesday was a ruff day, I’m not sure why, I went did my prints for my background check, for my internship and then to my therapy appointment at 1. I went with a friend to lunch in between then went to the shop. I was just not in a good mood just really down feeling as the day went on. I went right in at the shop and started pulling everything apart and cleaning. I did all the rugs and pulled them up tossed them outside and did the floors all around, then brought the rugs back in laid them out and did them again and put everything up and away. After that I just sat there listening to music and looking for jobs on youtube. I had text her about the job I interviewed for.

In a little while the boss came in said he was leaving I started to get up to get my stuff together and go he said the other guy was going to lock up about 4:30 and left. I thought he was going to lock the office up before he left but he was just telling me he was leaving for the day. I just sat there thinking about things and not really doing much of anything. By the time I left I was in tears. In a little bit he came in said he was locking up ask if I was ready and set the alarm. I grabbed my bag and went out. I stopped outside the door to close my bag he seen I was upset. He was asking me what was wrong? He was calling me he said you know I love you? Do you need to talk? I said no I love you too x I’m okay. He hugged me and we started walking out to the fence to lock it up and go to where the cars are all parked. He was saying is it this, that, boyfriend? Kids? If you need to talk I am here. I said it’s okay just stuff from the past. He said okay and we went on. I figured the bosses wife would be calling me to see what was wrong she is my BFF and he lives with them. He is one of the kids and he gets worried about everyone or if something is wrong. I figured he say something to her. He just turned 21, he been in trouble in the past and don’t have a family. They have known him for a little while and he is trying to get on the right track and get his little boy back since his mom lost him and signed up her rights to him. They are helping him, so we know each other out side work and things.

That night my friend the one that my my BFF introduced me to and was trying to get me to go out with before we knew how broken he really was and his problems. He messaged me and was trying to talk I did a little but not a lot. He said something about needed to talk. I told him if he needed to talk he could call me. He called me in a little bit and said no I was asking if you needed to talk something is wrong and we talked for a little while but I didn’t tell him what was wrong either. I just didn’t really want to talk about it.

Then next day I just was not in a good mood very down and depressed, I been fighting the urge to drink since the day before. I messaged my friend ask her if she wanted to go to lunch I was hiding at the time. She said she could’t she had things to do. I told her I wanted to go to lunch I needed some drinks she said no we would go later that night. I told her I couldn’t go that night but it was okay. I was talking to my Good friend that I talk to all the time and he was getting ready to go to work. I stopped by his house for a little bit. Sat there talking to him some. He said come here I know what you need he pulled me up and gave me a hug. He said your doing it all on your own and it’s hard I been there. I just burst into tears. I am, I am tired, it is part of what is wrong on top of everything else.

My friend called me in a little bit I answered she said lets go to lunch. She said she talked to her aunt and they had things to do but they were going to go to lunch first because they knew something war wrong. I told her lets go to the pizza place in the village and to meet me at the shop and pick me up. The shop is on her way to her aunts and the pizza place and wasn’t far from where I was. I told her I wanted to have some drinks that I was going to park my truck at the shop then go back there for a while before I had to go home. That way by then I would be okay to drive. She said okay. I dropped my truck off and we went to lunch. I only had one drink a Jack and Coke.

  boy it was strong, I told them I don’t think they gave me any Coke with my Jack. I wanted something else but by the time I was ready for something else we were done eating we were in a hurry to get other things done. I ended up going to storage with them and helping them get that sorted out and somewhat organized so it can be gone through more later.

She said at one point that her husband, my boss asked if I was okay and what was going on I guess he could tell I was upset when he left and then the kid told him I was crying when we left. But she has been dealing with some things with one of her older girls so I hadn’t said anything to her. She still don’t know what all is going on or wrong. I just been trying to be there for her and her daughter as much as I can because I would never want to go through what they are going through and I can’t say I would trade what I was upset about with what is going on.

But I did make it through the day and feeling a little better now that it is Sunday. I had plans for things to do Friday but didn’t get to do them and didn’t really feel like it since it wasn’t the day I thought it was and couldn’t really do them Thursday. I may do them at a later time I don’t know yet. I am still a little aggravated but from other things now I think more than being upset about the day.

 

No Job Again

I messaged the lady about the job I went for week before last on Wednesday. I just said I was checking to see if they had filled the position or not and that I as still interested in it. She said no they hadn’t they would by the end of the week. Thursday she messaged and ask if I could work days some. I told her it would depend what days and how many and if I knew ahead of time. I told her I could work to train and things but that I really needed mostly nights and that is why I applied for it, I was told it was nights. She said she wasn’t sure what or how many days she was trying to work it out. I just left it at I would need to know ahead of time and would try to work it out if they needed me.

I never heard anything back that day or yesterday so I am assuming they hired someone else who was more open than I am with days or someone who had more experience. I did see that they posted an add looking for someone to work days as well. I have about 100 hours between my school and the kids school to put in and school two days a week I have to be in class and then I was trying to still do the shop. But I can do the shop on the weekend or something if i had to. Or just stop all together but I want to keep doing it because he helped me out and helps me out now when I need it if I am short or something happens to the truck or what. It just works good for the both of us.

My bosses wife seems to think that I still have a chance and that they are trying to work it around so that I can do it. The person with the job is my boss now twin sister, I figure she has probably asked her about it or said something to her about it because she said a few times she thinks she is trying to figure it out and work something out. I hope she is right but I can’t wait forever either I need to get to work and get a check coming in before I get behind.

I got my school money the 2nd but it is about gone by the time I paid everything and got everything taken care of. I haven’t gotten everything paid up all the way so I am going to fall behind quick if I don’t get a check coming in soon. I have been applying and following up with things but nothing is coming through yet. I just keep praying that something works out before I start falling under. This is why the deal was with starfish he stay until March. I would have time to get started somewhere or at least have my school money and tax money to hold me over a little bit while working on finding something. I just keep telling myself everything happens for a reason and that it will all be okay and work out. But it is hard to not stress a little.

Job Interview

I went and applied for a job Wednesday I think it was, I am waiting to hear back about it. The interview is for some towing companies, they run 4 I think from the one company. This guy bought two or three of the local ones to get more spots on the police rotation because there is money to be made and you can only have so many spots under one name. But he has to keep them all running under their names or lose their spots. I heard they needed help a while back but didn’t have anyone here to be with the kids because it is over night and you have to be in the office, can’t answer from home.

I found out from my best friend my bosses wife, because it is the bosses twin sister who does it in the day and pretty much runs the company and does the hiring firing and all that. I messaged her and ask her about coming in and applying and she told me when to come in. I got there filled out the application and ended up waiting for an hour to get to talk to her she was busy and the owner had been called out to a call.

She brought me back told me about the job and things. I think it would work out really good for me. It is Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights from 7 pm to 7 am. I will get home in time to take my little one to school by 8:30 the older kids will have to get her up and start getting her ready Monday and Tuesday. They get up at 7 and I should be home by 5 or 10 after. The only problem there maybe is with Tuesday because I have to be in class by 8. But I think if I explain to my teach he will work with me because if I am late it shouldn’t be more than a couple minutes to five minutes. I am getting a really good grade in the class so it should workout. I have had him before and he is super easy if you just talk to him. Like he said he is here to teach us not push us to breaking just because he is the teacher and he can make us do this that and the other and the first 5 minutes of class we are just getting set up and figuring out where he left off and chit chatting so I won’t be missing anything.

She told me she had a couple people come in before me and a few guys coming in after me that she would get back to me with in a few days. I figure sometime early next week. She said something about maybe bringing me in to help her in the day even because they are so busy but I can’t really do days very well. But if she gives it to me I will take it and figure out how to make it work because I have to have something and it is the only thing I have that is decent right now. I like I can work 4 nights have 3 off. I like it was over night so I can do school, internship and be there for the kids. I figure if she brings me on in the day I prove myself and work my ass off the person on nights probably won’t last long not many of them do then maybe I can get her to move me. Just explain to her and the owner that I came because it was night hours all that I have to do and that I like the job but I really need the hours they had said it was for when I applied that if they can do that I will be there for a while not looking to go anywhere else anytime soon.

I went back to the office after I got done there and in a little bit the boss asked if I had talked to her. I told him yes I applied over there and that it seemed like it would be good because it was nights I could do what I needed to do and still work there and everything. He said yeah she was messaging him asking him about me. I hope that is a good thing.

I don’t know if I don’t get this what I am going to do because I can’t find anything else working nights. There isn’t a lot out there that have a night shift or over night shift around here. She said the owner might want me to come in and interview with him but I haven’t hard anything at all back so who knows. I need this and really want this I think I would enjoy doing it. I will be there by myself but it that don’t bother me. The gate is locked and the office is locked. There are so many cars and trucks and everything around there you don’t know if someone is in there or not really. The guys on the trucks come in and out dropping off cars and things, they all have keys to the gate so they let themselves in and out I don’t have to worry about that and Most probably don’t even come in the office at night for anything so I won’t have to deal with that either probably. But even if they do that isn’t a big deal to let them in and out.

All The Bad Shit

Have you ever had one of those days where all the bad shit that has ever happen to you in life just won’t stop playing over and over in your head like a movie? I am going on day two of that, I don’t know why or what triggered it but it won’t stop. I have been able to block it out to a point, if I keep myself busy and around others. But when I am alone or get aggravated it is worse and it is always there no matter what.

I just keep playing the rape, fights, the abuse, the hurt, the deaths everything over and over in my mind. I think that yesterday was the first day I really let the word rape be used and called it what it is and how it was. All I can think in my head is how did you let that happen? How did you let it keep happening? You finally stood up and put a stop to it, why didn’t you the first time? You let it happen, you just let it happen and did and said nothing. I think I was just so tired, so broken, so wore out and beat down…………….. I said no, I made it clear I didn’t want to do anything, I went so far as to tell him to go find someone else I didn’t care. He didn’t care, he told me so, he told me he couldn’t I was his wife I was supposed to give it to him, who thinks someone wants something when they are crying why your doing it? He knew he can say what he wants. What do you say and do to that???????????? I should of put a stop to it sooner, I really should of there is no one to blame for that but me for not putting a stop to it after the first time the third or the forth or whatever time it was up to……..

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