{February 3, 2018}   All The Bad Shit

Have you ever had one of those days where all the bad shit that has ever happen to you in life just won’t stop playing over and over in your head like a movie? I am going on day two of that, I don’t know why or what triggered it but it won’t stop. I have been able to block it out to a point, if I keep myself busy and around others. But when I am alone or get aggravated it is worse and it is always there no matter what.

I just keep playing the rape, fights, the abuse, the hurt, the deaths everything over and over in my mind. I think that yesterday was the first day I really let the word rape be used and called it what it is and how it was. All I can think in my head is how did you let that happen? How did you let it keep happening? You finally stood up and put a stop to it, why didn’t you the first time? You let it happen, you just let it happen and did and said nothing. I think I was just so tired, so broken, so wore out and beat down…………….. I said no, I made it clear I didn’t want to do anything, I went so far as to tell him to go find someone else I didn’t care. He didn’t care, he told me so, he told me he couldn’t I was his wife I was supposed to give it to him, who thinks someone wants something when they are crying why your doing it? He knew he can say what he wants. What do you say and do to that???????????? I should of put a stop to it sooner, I really should of there is no one to blame for that but me for not putting a stop to it after the first time the third or the forth or whatever time it was up to……..

Hugs I can relate. I hate those haunting days

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