Easter Saved

My friend, the bosses wife contacted me and said if the kids wanted to spend the day with their family they could. I told them yesterday they would be going over there and they are okay with that. Not thrilled that I won’t be here but understand and happy to get to go over there. They wanted to go to my sisters but I had not heard from her and she has no way to get them back and forth. Plus I do not like them at her house when I am not there because of the way her husband treats the kids.

My sister contacted me today wanting to know if I was taking the kids to do anything tomorrow I told her no and that I was working Easter. I told her if she wanted to come over tomorrow and bring the kids we would cook and hide eggs and things. I guess we are going to do that if I can get my yard mowed sometime today to in the morning because I forgot I needed to do it. I think we are just going to grill burgers and things and call it a day. The kids were happy to hear that and more excited about going to my friends house on Easter now.

I am going to get the stuff for their baskets tonight and give them to them in the morning so we are not rushing to do it before I go to work and things on Sunday. This sucks because I asked at work the other day when I went in and they said they never close they are open everyday, every holiday no matter what. I am looking for something else but have to do this until I find something and it is only a Summer job most likely so I will need something else anyhow.

Easter Sunday

Was just sitting here thinking about all I need to get done this week and work. It just hit me, I have to work pretty much all day Easter, so my kids will be spending it alone. I feel like shit, I have to leave here by 10:30 if I don’t get called in early and won’t get off until 7 or after. I guess I will get them up early and do baskets and an egg hunt with them before I go. Not sure what they will be having for dinner as I don’t want to leave oldest with cooking a big meal and trying to handle everything on her own.

This is why it is so hard for me to find a job that works between the kids and things. Even though this one has set days and hours and that works, when it comes to things like this it sucks. It wouldn’t be so bad if their fathers where in the picture and they could go spend the day with them or even if I was with someone and they were here or could be here or take them and do something with them. But to know that they already miss out on so much because I don’t have the money to take them places and do things and then to not be able to do something as simple as spend the holidays with them just makes me sick. I am sitting here crying now because it just fucking sucks. I am here doing what I am supposed to do and trying to do the right thing and do right by them and still can’t do the simple shit for them or with them.

I’m going to go to bed and try to sleep but I doubt that I will now after thinking about this and a dozen other things. I just feel like no matter how hard I try or what I do life just says FUCK YOU, it sucks being the only one your kids have for anything and everything because of things like this.

Re: 911 Dispatching

I went Friday for my testing, there were 4 of us there once I got there. The lady came in to get us as I was waiting to sign in, she waited we headed back. She told us there was supposed to be 8 of us all together and there was only 4. One more showed up about an hour or so late and the others never showed up the 3.5/4 hours I was there.

All the test were on the computer we went through them and just left when we finished. I think I was the 3rd one to leave so we all took about the same amount of time with in a few minutes or so of each other really. One guy had done dispatching before for the fire department I think he said. the rest said they had not done anything like it before either.

I received an email today saying that I didn’t make it. I didn’t score high enough on my test to make it. I kind of wasn’t surprised but hoped I was wrong. There were parts I was able to breeze right through but there were some that I didn’t get to finish or that I didn’t do to great on. It was hard because they tell you what you are going to do but then only give you one minute to practice and figure out how to do everything and how everything works. I know if I was use to using the system and things I could have done a lot better. But since my accident a few years ago I have to learn what needs to be done and have a little time to learn it run through it and practice and things. You don’t get that. I am going to apply for some other things and see what happens. I think they have some openings for domestic violence  area, I am going to see what you need to get on there and try it.

I am sure at some point something better than what I am doing will come along. I am just so tired of struggling and need something better.

911 Dispatch

I have applied for 100’s of jobs and apply for everything from the job I just started Tuesday to office jobs and direct care personal and anything in-between I think I can do or want to do. Well I applied for a 911 dispatching job about a week ago, never thinking I would hear anything back from them. But it is something I have wanted to do since I was in high school. Never had the confidence to apply before. I was always worried I wouldn’t past the typing test, the spelling or whatever else that they may throw at me. Now I’m like screw it if I am interested I apply, all they can do is say no or not reply, no different than any other job I apply for.

Well last week I received an email to fill out for a background check, it took forever and I didn’t do it just how they asked because it was so much information to include. They wanted to know any address you ever lived out, every job you ever had, any times that you were out of work and why. Since I have been on my own I have been semi stable, as I lived in my apartment little over a year, moved to my house and lived there five or six, have lived where I am going on 5 years. There were a few places in between a few of those here and there I stayed for a few months or was homeless. But over the last 14 years pretty stable. So I just put down the addresses I have been at while I have been on my own and the jobs that I have had been at for a good amount of time. I just wrote on one of the lines that was there to explain things that I was a wife and mom, homemaker or whatever you want to call it and did not have to work most the time I just did here and there as needed or when I wanted to. I put that I been through a divorce and was now doing it on my own and had to find steady full time work. It ask had my license been suspended for anything. I told them yes when I was homeless and could not pay my insurance and things. I figured they wouldn’t call me or give me a chance. Well Tuesday morning when I was headed to my other job I checked my Email for something and found another email from them saying that they had a three hour test that was the next step to pass in order to move any farther in the hire-ring process. That they need me there at 8 a.m Friday. I had to check and make sure I didn’t have to work or anything that day and thank God I don’t. I am getting up early going to drop Little Bitty off at daycare and get my butt up there early.

I can’t believe this and as I was on the way to my job I had another phone call it was for another job I had applied for wanting to set up and interview. I didn’t call them back. If the 911 thing don’t work out I am going to stay where I am for now. I like it is set hours and days and that I have the rest of my time free to do what I need to do. But this 911 job is to big to pass up or not go and at least try. I feel bad because if I get it I am going to have to quite on this job I just got and I really like my boss now and he has been working so hard to get people hired and trained so he can get some time off. Now if I leave it is going to set him back. But he is a really nice guy and really cool guy, I think he will understand and say it’s fine and not be mad.

If I get it I am just going to go to him and tell him I need to talk to him. I am going to tell him that after I started I had the call to do come test for this job, that it was on my day off so I did. I am going to tell him I got it and I have to take it, he knows I am a single more this job he has for me is only through the Summer until school starts back and this one will be full time all the time and over $6 more and hour. I can not see him getting mad over that. It’s over $2 more than what he is making and we have talked about how much it cost to live here, how low the jobs pay and all that. His mom was a single mom and things too, he is very educated and ex Army and has ended up working for what he is doing what he is doing. He knows I am in school and working toward doing better.

I just pray I do good on all these test and get this. It will be such a huge deal for me and the kids. I can’t really go anywhere else and make what I would make there. I have with all my money that comes in enough to put money in the bank and still do things with the kids more. Please pray send good vibes or whatever you can my way tomorrow. I hope that I know when I leave there if I pass or not. I hope I don’t have to wait next week for an email telling me if I do or not. A friend said she got the job in another state and they had her come in and sit for 3 hours with a dispatcher and listen to calls and things. To see if it was going to be something she would want to do. What they sent me said for testing. I just hope I do good. The good thing is I can say that I really am not stressing or upset over it or anything like that. I am going into it the same way I go into everything, I will either pass or I won’t it isn’t the end of the world if I don’t nothing bad is going to happen. If I do that is great too. I always pass, I did on my state test for message, my state test for bail bonds and the state test for insurance sales. I am the same way with my test at school and I always pass.

Escape The Beach

I start a new job today, it is at a place called Escape The Beach. I applied for it one day last week, was called Friday and asked to interview Friday or Saturday, I interviewed Saturday and told yesterday I had the job start today. I have to be there in an hour and forty five minutes so this will be quick. It is where they lock you in a room where a crime has taken place and you have an hour to figure out the crime. We explain it all to them, get them all set up in their rooms and then we watch the rooms on the screen and we give clues as they ask for them if they need them.

It is 24 to 28 hours a week and it is set days and hours not changing all the time and not having to be open 7 days a week day and night. He said this is what I am trying to fill if you can do it if not that is all I have. He said he does it that way so that people can have lives and work other jobs, go to school or whatever they need to do. I like that. I told him that was why I really wasn’t working now because I couldn’t find anyone that would give hours and days like that. He said he thought it was crazy that they don’t and wrong they expect work to be your life.

It isn’t even different hours for training or anything like that they train you the days and hours you will be working. I work Tuesday and Wednesday, Sunday and kind of on call for 3 hours on Thursday between 9 and 11. They only have one person working in the morning so if it gets busy then they will call someone in to help out because they only like you watching two rooms at a time unless they are only a few people in them. Most of them are booked in advance so they know but then they do get walk ins and things too if rooms are open and not going to be used soon we can take them.

The kids think it is cool and want to do it but now working there I am going to know all the ins and outs so I won’t be able to do it with them. I think a friend is going to bring them and her kids and do it with them. It will be fun if I get to watch their room and things.

The only down fall is I have to work every Tuesday and Tuesdays are the nights I was supposed to do the teen group with my internship. I am going to have to work that in and do something different. I am going to set up another meeting with her this week see what I can work out.

I guess I better get off here get ready I have to leave soon and I am not dressed or anything. I took a shower sat here blow dried my hair and then started this. I have to leave early to get gas too. I will not make it there much less there and back if I don’t. Will be back later let you all know how it goes. I think it will be fine the boss is really cool and nice we talked a lot Saturday and the other girls seemed nice that were there.

Lets Hangout

I went out last Monday and have been out two other times this week with my Old Friend. Thursday night he messaged and ask if I was ready? I said for what where we going? He said I don’t know lets go fishing? I said okay lets go. I got ready and left, it was about 10:30 pm then. But it wasn’t bad because I had the kids in bed and didn’t have to worry about them.

I go down there and he had a fire going sitting there. We sat there and talked for a while then went out to the lake. We didn’t end up going fishing, just sat down there listen to the radio and talked while the puppy ran around. I got home about three in the morning.

I don’t know what to think I like him I know he likes me, he keeps saying he don’t want to get together just hang out see how things go or if they go somewhere, said he is working on his self right now. I understand that, he said he didn’t want to hurt me or me to get hurt, then in a minute he said I don’t want to get hurt. I think he said it before he thought about what he said or he was thinking it but it came out kind of thing. Because he said right away I’m not worry about getting hurt that isn’t any big deal I just don’t want to hurt you, I’m afraid I would.

But then he says whenever you want to hang out, go do something, just come over or what hit me up we will go. We can go out on the air boat, camping fishing the woods or just make a fire and sit. Like last night we went to drop something off to his roommates grandma, he went in to drop it off then he came out told me come inside with him, he wanted me to meet someone. He said this was his roommates grandma’s house her and her son was there he was working on the pool. Her son was like his brother they were really close and how close to the family he is. Late he said yeah I don’t bring just anyone around or let everyone meet them. I never really bring anyone over to meet them. Something about bringing me there to meet them. He said they liked you. I took the grandma back to his house to pick something up that didn’t get sent when we brought the other stuff he stayed there talking to his buddy. I guess they were talking about me. I don’t know. Me and the grandma talked she was really nice she is in the mental health field like I want to go into. We were talking about that on the way over and back.

When he first started talking to me Monday I thought oh he just hitting me up talking like he has off and on for a while now and he is 200 miles or so away. Then when he asked if I wanted to go out later I was kind of nervous and not sure. Not about him just about meeting and getting together because we already know each other and things so it isn’t like there isn’t an attraction there and the underlying want for more. I want more but then the though of it and the thought that maybe this could be more in the near future hit I was like um yeah wait I don’t know about this. Not because it was him but just anyone at all. Just talking that first night and things he didn’t do anything or say anything wrong, but my mind kept wondering to well I wonder if he really means this or that, or why did he say this or that, did he just say that because of this, is he just saying that because that is what I want to hear? It’s like I can’t just take anything at face value and go with it. I second guess and look into anything and everything anyone one says now and guys even more. It isn’t just him I did the same thing with Starfish too. I just been through so much and no matter how much I work on myself and think that I am okay, I don’t know if I will ever not question or look more into and make more out of what someone says ever again. I hate being that way because it really kills things when you are talking to someone.

Oh, talking about him telling me he just wants to “hangout” see where things go and then letting em meet his friends and things like that. Like the first night we were out we were sitting there talking and he said yeah I know you like to be out on the water or by the water, I figured we could come here and sit on the deck have some drinks by the water. Talking about other things that I have said on line and things I have done and things that are on line. He is watching my page like a hawk and has been for a long time. We be talking about something and he say oh this or that happen around this or that time I seen this or that on line about it or you did this or that.

He like you are just such a cool, kick ass girl, you don’t need or wait on no man you get out there and do it. He said I see you fixing your truck or the fence is down your out there getting it back up. He said I don’t know any girls that will sit there and talk trucks and motors and know what they are talking about. He said your like yeah this is wrong and I fixed this. When he got there he was looking at my truck he was asking if it was the diesel or the 10? He said something about the 6 diesel. I said no it’s not the diesel if it was it wouldn’t be the 6 they are known for to many problems. I said I want the 7.3 when I can get it. He like its just crazy how you know all that. I said I been around cars and car repair all my life and I wanted a truck like this for a long time so I did a lot of research on them and the motors and things. I said I had the 5.4 like I have now and you can’t kill them you can run them until the truck falls down around it and you will still have a good strong running motor. Mine had over 300,000 miles on it 3 years ago when I sold it and I still see it just about every day running round town.

But I find it funny how much he has watched my page and paid attention to what I post and what I have to say. Yesterday I was mad about Father of The Year and I just post 24/7/365 nothing else. My friend the bosses wife commented on it about him and his “wife”. Well this other guy we are friends with commented on it and said I have something for you. Being crude, normally it wouldn’t have gotten to me but he says things like this on different post and tries to bring them around to something they aren’t. I was not in the mood because he isn’t to much better than father of the year when it comes to his kids.

I commented and called him out, tagged him in it, I said really so and so? I said what you have to offer you already know I am not interested and never will be, I said why you keep trying. I said but if you would like I can bring this back to what it is talking about but I can promise you it it’s going to get really ugly really fast and your not going to like it. I left it at that. Well in a few minutes I was getting messages in my in box, he was sorry he didn’t mean to make me mad, he was just trying to be funny or whatever. I ignored him then he was calling me, I ignored that for a while. He went and deleted his comment I left mine. I didn’t care, you said something you shouldn’t have. Well last night when I was out from my friend and we were at his friends grandma’s house sitting around draining the pool and talking he said oh yeah I have to ask what was that going down on line today on your post? He said he said something and you called him out and laid it out and gave it to him in just a second. I said yeah I wasn’t having no part of it. I said he keeps on and on with this crap I am not interested in him, he knows it but keeps going on my stuff making comments. I said I am tired of it and I was talking about the kids and their dads not stepping up and helping out. I said and he is the last to even want to go there with me. I said he is a “weekend worrier” I said he only has his kids on the weekend….He said I only have mine on the weekend most the time and….I stopped him and said I know and that is fine, there is nothing wrong with that. I said but there is a big difference. I said you want to have your kid, I said you take your kid and do thing with him and spend time with him show him things. I said he don’t they don’t leave the house, he ponds them off on his mother as much as he can and then complains when she gets mad and bitches about it and makes him come and do something for them. I said he feels oh he is sick it’s okay mommy should just watch them, one was up through the night it’s okay mommy will watch them he can hide in his room or whatever. I said that isn’t how it works and I said then he wants to complain to me and I am the wrong person to complain to about having them every weekend and having to take care of them and how hard it is. I said because I don’t feel sorry for him at all. I have no respect for him when he dose. I said I do it everyday 24/7/365 days a year 100% on my own no matter if I am sick, working, going to school or whatever else I maybe doing. I said then I have to also do everything they need take them every where they need to go and help them when they are sick or hurt or need help with school or anything else and it don’t matter if I am sick i still have to get up and do it. But he can’t do it from Friday after noon until he drops them off at school on Monday morning. Nope that is not a father. I said now if he did like you and I and a lot of other dads and takes care of them and does things with them and things then I wouldn’t have been so hard and said what I said but it just hits a nerve with me when it comes to people like that. He was like oh yeah I agree that is messed up. He don’t I told him about a thing down in down town that was free because he says he isn’t working or just part time and things he don’t have money why he goes and drops $100’s in a night or day on a date. But don’t take his kids anywhere get the anything or do anything for them. Then you tell him something free he has an excuse. The other day me and bosses wife took the kids to the park we told him he could bring his let them play. He said oh I’m letting mine run around the backyard right now. That is all he ever does with them. So yeah when he said that i called him out.

But my friend when he ask me about it and what was going on, I didn’t say anything just told him what was going on why it was all said. No one at all said anything he said I don’t stalk pages or anything. Your stuff is just up there for everyone to see. I thought yeah with all the friends you have you just happen to see everything that I post right ha ha. He said it like two or three times, no one said anything just went on talking. But all this but he don’t want anything more. I think like he let slip the other day he is scared of getting hurt. Like I said I was starting to freak out a little bit when I thought oh boy what if he wants more what if he wants this or that is that really what I want? Do I want to go there? What do I say if it comes up and things. When he was like lets just hang out see if or what happens something inside was like ah okay I can do this. Do you really want a relationship or is this just better all the way around. Kind of what you been doing with your “friend” but this one wants to do things go out and all that as well not just sit in the house and you go over whenever you can. Why not do it and see what happens.

He keeps telling me too, I don’t care what you do, I don’t care if you want to go out with other guys, if you end up sleeping with other guys or whatever. I can’t give you anything more or promise you anything more than just hanging out. You deserve to go out have a good time. If a guy wants to take you out to dinner buy you drinks or what you better go you deserve it and need to get out. Your hard working girl, your a good mom you should go out. If you meet one and fall in love with him, I am going to be happy for you and cheer you on. He said it will suck because I like hanging out with you and things but I’m going to back you and be there because I want you to be happy. If I can’t offer you that right now and you find it then good for you.

I was talking to my friend, I said what is all that? Date, go out, meet my friends I don’t let others meet, lets go out lets hang out, I take you anywhere you want to go, we can do anything you want to do, I will help you anyway I can. Your so pretty, beautiful, your smart, amazing independent women don’t ever let a guy tell you different or take that from you, I don’t care what they say do not ever believe them or let them tell you different.

None of it sounds like someone not looking for more. None of it sounds like someone who isn’t interested in someone. We are talking years he has been watching me and hitting me up here and there. He even was talking about way back when we were in church and noticing me. I have always liked him, he seem like a decent person fun person. We never talked a lot just how you doing about the kids or whatever at church or church functions. But nothing more we were both married. I just don’t know what to think about him at this point. It is nice because he wants to do things we have a lot of the same interest and he understand and knows I have the kids and that I have to take care of them. He even said to me one night we were talking about something. He said oh you have your babies all the time don’t you? I said yes, he was talking about going to do something. He said yeah I don’t have this or that for all them either. He said another time something about taking them doing something. He said but I don’t ever get babies involved in anything like this or bring them around. I said I don’t either I said my kids think I am somewhere else right now they have no clue where I am or how far away I even am. They think I am up the street at the store or a friends house. He said yeah it just isn’t something they should be a part of. I said I agree. He said if we wanted to do this or that I would take ya’ll show you where you could go that is safe and things be there with ya’ll if you wanted but there wouldn’t be anything between us at all no hugging kissing nothing like that, I just be there as a friend helping out or what. I said no I understand and agree with you all the way. I said I don’t even involve them like that right now. I said they got close to a couple friends in the last year and even though it was just friends when shit hit the fan unexpectedly they got hurt. I like that he is that way as well, although if it went somewhere I would want to get the kids involved at some point. But it would have to be a good 4 to 8 months in to yeah we are together and now we been together this long things are going good lets take it a little farther. With him I would probably wait at least 6 months before bringing kids into it if not closer to 8. He keeps saying he is a gyps and he don’t know how long he is going to be here but then turn around and says he is drawn home and wants to be around here and settle down for a while tired of wondering and getting property and horses. Again something else me and the kids want to do land and horses. But I know he has always been into the horses big time. He just cowboy when it comes down to it. I know that that isn’t stuff he is just saying because he knows mine and kids plan or what we want because we haven’t really ever talked about that and things. It just so much in common and same interest stuff he likes to do that I would like to do or start doing again. I just don’t know how to take him what to think he is really looking for or why he is saying what he is doing what he is. I wish I did really.

I don’t know he is hard to read and there is just something about him that I just don’t know what to think in general or over all about him. I don’t know if it is because he older than most guys I date or he has done, been through so much or what. There is just something about him that throws me off my game a little bit.

An Old Friend

So last Monday I posted this on my page as a joke, a few people liked it or loved it and that was about it. A friend from way back liked it and then sent me a private message. He said how expensive? Because he was cheap, very cheap….A 12 pack and a river view cheap. I laughed and we joked back and forth for a little bit. He asked what I was doing later I told him nothing, there was nothing to do and no one to do it with he asked why. He said there was a lot to do and that he would be about 20 minutes away from me for work I should come down. I told him I couldn’t go to far but it be nice to meet up. He said how about this little bar its a little neighborhood kind of place. I had never been to it but know people who have and it has been around forever. I said okay that be good. I told him I had to get ready and get kids settled it be around 7/7:30 before I could go. He said it would be more like 8 or 8:30 before he could get there probably would that be okay. I told him yes it worked better for me as well. I just didn’t want to go to late because I didn’t know what work the next day looked like for him or what.

I made dinner and settled the kids and left, I told him I was leaving and everything. He said it be closer to 830 probably when he got there. I said that was fine I was going to stop get gas and things as well. I asked what he was driving told him what I was in. He messaged me back and said to just go inside and order a drink when I got there and he would take care of it when he got there. I just said okay and did what I had to do, my friend called when I was on my way I hadn’t talked to her in a while since she moved. I talked to her and sat there in the truck talking to her until he got there. He was there just a few minutes after me anyway.

I got out he came over we went inside and got a drink and sat there a few minutes, he said lets go outback and sit it’s quieter we can talk. So we walked outside and sat by the water on the deck and talked for a while and drink our drinks. We walked inside had another drink for a minute. He said he lived just a couple miles up the road did I want to go over to his place. I said sure, I trust him and wasn’t worried about anything.

We got back to his place he introduced me to his roommate and we went outside and sat on the carport, they have it set up like a porch area. We talked some more, he knows my ex, I know his ex, he knows my kids, I know his son, we know a lot of the same people. We were talking about the past and all that has went on and changed where everyone was and things. He walked inside I was sitting there. There was a dart board I went took the darts off and was playing darts when he came back out he stood there talking listening to the radio. He kept pulling me over hugging me and things. He pulled me over and was trying to dance. I said I can’t dance, he like not even two step? I said nope and laughed. He was trying to show me and we were cutting up and carrying on. Just having a good time and enjoying the company. I didn’t feel stressed or rushed or like I had to hurry home because of the kids or worry about them. It was nice.

I didn’t end up getting home until like 1 am and then had to get up get the kids to schools and go to class myself. It wasn’t as bad as I though it would be. I am glad I went.

See we met at the church where me and my ex got married. He was or is good friend with the ministers daughter and their family. They grew up together, they are like brother and sister even call each other brother and sister and their kids call them aunt and uncle. Him and his wife got married around the same time that me and ex did, they moved away for a while. Me and him have been friends on line all these years, never really talked or anything just there. Over the years since him and his wife got their divorce and me and ex got ours he has messaged me here and there. He been all over the place not here a lot of the time just in town for a week or so or passing through. He was out West last I knew then awhile back he told me he was a few hours away he came back to be by his little boy. The other night he told me he been in GA for a little while and had a place up there but he thought he was going to stay home here for a while he felt pulled back here. He is still close to his son and can go get him or see him whenever he wants to.

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