{April 30, 2018}   Disbelief, Shocked, Numb

Woke up to a horrible phone call this morning. It was my bestfriend, she hardly ever calls me this early if she does she wants to go to breakfast or something she wants me to go do with her. I was still laying in bed with Little Bitty she is home sick, wondering what she wanted to do if I felt like getting up and going.

I answered but I couldn’t understand her. She sounded out of breath or something she was saying something the shop. She finally slowed down. She was saying it bad just pray its going to take a medical. I said what, and said you know X from the shop? He had an accident on the way to work they don’t think he is going to make it!

I didn’t know what to say, my stomach dropped. He comes from the other county over here to the shop to work. He is like on the out skirts of the two counties. She said they had to life flight him. She was on her way to the office to get her husband and go over there. She said he was distraught. I am sure he is I am just in shock.

I didn’t know him that well, hey how are you or something. But still something like this to happen, you don’t want see that to happen to anyone.

I thought he was in some kind of little truck. When I seen him and Starfish going to work one morning theh were in a little truck. She sent a picture they were sent and it looks like a suv of some kind and bigger. But it was still a really bad accident. The wheel is off the truck it’s upside down on the side of the road on a pole it looked like. She said his friend was behind him and he survived to miss something in the road and it flipped.

I pray he comes through this and was thinking maybe it wasn’t as bad as they thought. But after seeing the picture I don’t know. I am just waiting for them to get there and get an update. I told her I was here if they needed me to go to the shop or pick up kids or anything. Little one is sick but its like a cold. I can always take her with me. Its only been about an hour and half I figure they just got there not long ago probably trying to find his wife and things see what they are saying. Be with her.

Last night at work I took two orders from girl its for bad area. Its a well known drug area, its dirt road to get to it that is horrible most the time and they don’t tip. Only good thing about it is if we have to go its a mile or less from the shop. We aren’t wasting a lot of time or gas.

I ended up with the deliveries out there and one other around the same area. The owner already said it was a tight area to get in and out talking about being in my big truck. She was telling me they would be up and down the sides of the road and trying to stop me and standing in the road. She said just tell them your with us deliverying pizza or food they will leave you alone. They want us to bring them food and know if we have problems we will stop coming. She said there is a little church at the end of the street you should be able to turn around down there. I said oh yeah they have a parking area no problem. She saod no not really just a tiny spot. Worse case you can back out until you get to the other road. The other guy comes along and says something about me going and my truck. They said you want take them on your way or way back from that one your taking? He said no really fast.

Now they have me worried, not about the people on the road or in the road trying to stop me but about getting turned around and out of there. I am expecting this little dirt path you maybe able to get a car or two down. Me with my truck thats it and no way of turning around.

I find the road and while it is a dirt raod leading to it the road itself was paved. So that was good. I turn down and round the corner there some guy on edge of the road under a tree. I think I scared him he look like he was trying to hide and get away. I come around to the straight away and there are cars all up down the sides of the road and I see people up amd down the sides of the road talking back and forth and things. I had my wondow down so I could see around me and hear. Sure enough they start waving and waving stuff at me and coming up to amd infront of my truck. I just act like they wasn’t even there just kept driving. They seen that they got out of my way.

The house I was going to was the last house on the street the church was still about half a block away. I got out gave the people their food. The second order the guy wasn’t there, he was one of the ones up the street trying to stop me. He come run down there get his food. He tipped me like $4 and she tipped me $2 I think. Other drives say they dont get anything down there. I got down got in the truck spoon it around right there in the middle of the street and headed out. They all stayed out of my way and didn’t say anything to me.

A lot of people be scared to go down there because of everyone hanging out what they are doing. But I wasn’t, because everyone knows what goes on down there but no one bothers them or does anything about it. They are not going to want to get someone like me or one of the other drivers down there and do something stupid because then everyone is going to be in there looking at everything and busting the hell out of the place every time they turn around. I just didn’t want to get my truck stuck in there risk hitting something but I was alright. I figure now I will be the one sent when orders are made now because I didn’t have any problems and no one else wants to go. Oh well I am not worried about it. I rather go there than to some of my other orders I have had with weirdos.

{April 29, 2018}   Dress Code

Thursday I went for my interview so I had on a nice pair of jeans boots and nice top. I forgot to toss a work shirt in the truck and was rushing to get there on time so I went in what I had on. I was told I was dressed improperly. Because I didn’t have the t shirt with the work log and name on it. I was told they like you to wear something with it on it but was never told you had to. There are girls in here all the time working in what looks like pajamas and nothing is ever said to them. We wear flip flops most days. At least I was dressed nice. But whatever.

Then yesterday I wasn’t bothered about going to work but I just did not feel like wearing shoes. I just wanted to put my flip flops on and go. I thought I seen my friend wearing them before, I text amd ask him. He said no he didn’t think we could. I said fine I will be there in a bit, I’m trying to force myself to put shoes on.

I get there and it is slow, him, the other driver, one of the owners and I were standing around talking. My friend says the owner said I could wear stripper boots but not flops. I said well great I broke my stripper boots, thats why I had no shoes the night you picked me up from my friends house. The owner said something about having stripper boots. My friend said you do forget she is good friends with me nothing should really surprise you. We laughed. I said I do have a rather nice collection of stripper heels. But I do not think they would be good to deliver pizza’s in.

The poor kid that dives with us just stood there not saying a word and looking a little unsure.

Maybe I should get an outfit to go with my steipper heels and wear them. Maybe I would make better tips.

I just find it funny I am dressed nice amd professional and something gets said because I am not wearing a tshirt and flops or sneakers. But then they say you can wear stripper boots just not flops at the other job. I know she was joking but not joking at the sametime. She knows I wouldn’t but if I did who cares as long as I have shoes on and working basically.

{April 29, 2018}   The Best Medication

I have been on this new medication for about a week now, maybe a few days more. I have to say I feel so much better, maybe better than I have ever really felt. I wasn’t sure about taking it at first, then asked my really good friend I was really not sure.

But I took it anyway, the first night was hell. I think it was a combination of the pill, pms and just being depressed already. I was worried things would get worse the more I took. But I have kept taking it anyway. I kind of forgot about it, taking it has just become a . I just take it and forget it. The last few days I noticed, I am sleeping better at night, I wake up feeling like I slept, I feel good when I wake up. I don’t feel like I am forcing myself to get up and do things. I just do them. I don’t feel like I just want to go back to bed all the time or like i want to be in bed. I hope it last and I don’t have to chang again. I don’t feel depressed or down and things. It’s like this huge thing has been lifted off me. I almost feel like I have been sleeling all this time and now I have woke up.

It’s nice to feel goid even with things like not getting that job happening, I was upset but it was a different kind of upset. It felt normal not extreme, like I feel kg is a lot of times.

{April 28, 2018}   Interested or Not

I still do not know what to think about Starfish and how I feel. Part of me says ignore it just keep being friends and see how things go. It’s not the right time. Part of me says he isn’t interested and just needs a friend. I really don’t think that is 100% right because of things he has said and comments he has made. I feel like I should say something just put it out there this is how I feel, where do I stand, how do you feel? I feel that we are both beating around the bush scared what the other is going to to say if we come out and say how we really feel or what we want. Niether of us wants to take that jump and end up shot down and hurt. Then things change between us and us stop being friends or what.

Something keeps saying tell him, talk to him, let him know how you feel before he thinks I’m not interested. But I don’t know how to do that. I have never been the one to approach first, even if I am interested. If they don’t approach me first then we don’t talk or what. I know that is probably bad and that there are guys I have been interested in before that were as well but they never said anything and I didn’t either.

I just don’t know I honestly have not had feelings like this for someone since R.C. and that kind of scares me I think.

The not being sure he is interested makes it hard. But I really think he is, the little comments at the shop, the reactions he have when I come in there all dressed from my internships.

Since we been talking since he lost his job this time and comments that have been made things said. Just like his comment about porn and a girl. He never said anything like that. I think it was to see if i would say something then like I was interested. Later the comment he made about I knew it felt good laying there with him that night. The one about not going to the beach I hadn’t ask him to go. Then telling me about goimg over to that girls house then not going.

When we talking about the kids him saying he misses them and it said what my oldest said abbout him. Then to say if only the little one would like him like that. Why does he still care how she feels about him or want her to like him if he isn’t ever around or don’t plan or want to be? Just like him saying I don’t want to tell you, you will be mad at me, I don’t want you to be mad at me, oh and his favorite don’t yell at me.

To me it seems he is thinking more than friends. The don’t yell at me or I don’t want you to be mad at me even though he is worried I am going to be he being honest and telling me. I know he didn’t tell me a lot before he avoid it or just say I’m not talking about it or what. Or tell me the less I knew the better or he was trying to protect me. Just like his arm I do not think he would of ever told me before. I think now he trying to see how I really respond if he tells me. Am I going to get mad yell or am i going to be concerned. Will we just talk about it or yell. If that makes since. He makes comments how us women are or us gilrs and you women. I stop him real fast tell him um no it might be what your use to but not how I am at all. He gets quiet don’t say anything. I think he starting to see.

I just don’t know I feel I need to tell him, I am supposed to tell him, that this time around if I want something to happen it’s up to me to make the move. Then I think about the comment he made Thursday about not even looking for a girl and fixing hiself. I feel it be wasting my time telling him. Maybe I am supposed to tell him but nothing is going to come of it right now. But he will know how I feel and where I stand? I just don’t know. I am more confused than ever. I have almost said something to him a few times before I caught it. I feel I need to see him in person and talk to him now in text or over the phone. But I don’t know how to approach it really.

I almost feel like I am back in school when all the girls be trying to figure out if the guy likes her. I never really that way, I never really cared if they did and they said something great if not who cares. But like I said I know he does to a point its just all I been through in the past I am extra cautious because I don’t want to get hurt.

He made a comment when he told me about the girl that wanted him to come over. I said you don’t sound thrilled. He said I have nothing to offer and I have a very high thick ass wall up after all I been through.

I said we all have them to a point but it just means that we are more careful when deciding if something is what we really want and if we are willing to let someone in. When we do decide to let them in we aren’t just testing the waters or see what happens. We know what we want out of it and he never said anything back. Just he didn’t go.

We talked a little yesterday not a lot. I told him I didn’t get the job and things. He wanted to know why. I said I was done I was tired. He said just keep doing the two I am doing not give up or something. I know he was busy trying to get his medications and he was going with his mom and them out of town for a wedding this weekend. So we didn’t talk after that. I went to bed early around 10. I was woke up by the kids it was 12 on the dot. Little one was getting in bed. I went right back to sleep. I woke up this morning seen he messaged me about 10 minutes later I never heard it. I was out, I been sleeping better on this new medication. I messaged him good morning but haven’t heard anything. But the wedding is today, not sure what time. I am sure there is all the family there and things so I figure I will hear from him later tonight when things calm down. I message him when I wake up he messages through out the day here and there when he gets up just touch base whats going on or what. Then at night once we both made it to bed and we don’t have a ton of things going on or take care of we can just sit and talk we do. Until one of us falls a sleep or starts to, then we say so and we go to bed.

I am going to see if he wants to go look at that place this week. If so then I will set something up. Maybe we can talk then. I ask if he wanted to yesterday he said he couldn’t. I said okay. He said I have to go out of town to that wedding and things remember? I thought it was a few weeks ago when they took things over there. I guess they were just getting things together. He was telling me the other night his mom was cooking for it and things. I just wasn’t thinking about it. I have a lot to think about.

{April 27, 2018}   Re: Decent Job

I went and talk to the guy Thursday morning before I went to my other job. He said he had the other person to interview he let me know by 5. I never heard from him so I called like he said and he told me he was headed home to talk to his wife about it.

I never heard from him last night so my boss said call him. I was with his wife she was talking to him. I did and he said he decided to go with the other person. After telling them i had the job he didn’t want to hire this other person for different reasons.

He ask if I wanted to drive the tag car but I will not be able to because of the accidents I had. He says he is going to call me Monday about that. My boss was mad but not a lot anyone can do. Like my friend said probably to do with my ex. He knows him and no one thinks to highly of him.

It was a lot of work for little money but there were other good to it as well. I would of done it. Tired of never being good enough.

{April 27, 2018}   Don’t Yell at Me

I finally talked to Starfish Wednesday evening. He didn’t call me before work, I really didn’t figure he would. I knew he probably wouldn’t be home yet. I messaged him later that evening told him I got off at 7 to call me then. That way I could talk on the way home. Not have everyone on top of me listening. About the time I walk in the door my phone was rining. I walked outside answered him.

We talked a little, couldn’t even tell you what about. I ask him what was going on? Where he had been and everything.

He said that boss messaged him wanted him to go get him something. Told him he give him more money if he go do it. So he says he went with his brother and his girlfriend to get him what he wanted. He says the 3 of them were sitting in the car and got robbed by 3 guys. They took their phones and all their money. From there he went to his other family members house stayed until he got home sometime yesterday. He tells me they figured out who the guys were they went to ones house and they ended up gettinf their phones back. But his moneys gone his arms hurt and all this.

He telling me this is crazy, this is bullshit, I’m not doing this no more, I can’t live like this risk my life doing this shit. I said good I hope you really mean it and stick to it. This is a wake up call for you.

In a little while he tells me he is at the hospital his arm is burning feels like it is going to fall off. I ask how he hurt it or what was wrong? He said I will tell you later. He never left the hospital until after midnight. They checked him his sugar was high, so they brought it down before they did anything to him.

That was all last night Wednesday night. This morning I text him good morning like I do most the time. It was between 7/8 am. About 8:45 he was calling me. I just pulled in to my job interview. We talked a few minutes. His arm came up. He said I don’t want to tell you. I said why? He said I just don’t you will get mad or something like that. I told him I had to go I would call him when I got done and we would talk and he would tell me then.

I did my interview and called him on my way to work. We talked about how my interview went. I stopped at McDonald’s on my way. I ordered a large tea and hashbrown. He said um what did you just order? I repeated it. He said thats what I thought you need to quit eating that junk and start eating real food and better. You get onto me about taking care of myself and eating right. I said yeah I know but…..He cut me off said no I’m tell you like you do me no excuses.

I got out of there hit the highway to work. I said okay so what happen to your arm that you don’t want to tell me? He said your right I don’t I don’t want you mad at me. He said you can’t yell at me okay? I know it’s bad already. I said I promise I will not yell, besides I have never yelled at you.

He like well the other night and told me what all happen again. He told me how they found out where the guys were and went there. He says in the process of finding them going there, yeah um I got shot in the arm.

I started to say something I didn’t even know what to say. He telling me again he can’t live like this and he not doing this again this and that. I never said anything about it really. He said he wasn’t going to go to er that way. He went home got the bullet out but now it’s infected. He told me why I was doing pizza’s tonight he was going back to the er. Said they told him to come back in 24 hours for a follow up.

He sent me a picture, its pretty nasty because he didn’t get it treated right away and his sugare problems. I just hope he really sees now and this scared him enough to not go do this crap anymore. He told me two or three times he done he not risking this no more. Last night he told me he is done with the boss he is not going back there no more at all for anything.  I don’t know how that will end up. I said good I hope so I been saying that for how long now. He said I am.

He said something yesterday I never heard him say, I was surprised by it. He first told me he got shot and that was what was wrong with his arm. He said something about being done he couldn’t keep doing this and living this way. He said he didn’t have a lot longer to live anyway, he was 44 he was going to die by the time he was 62. He had to get his life straight he needed to work on hisself for a while. He said I mean it, I don’t care what others want or need, I am tired of doing and doing for everyone, caring for everyone and everyone dropping me, or giving up on me and walking away from me. He said I haven’t walked away from no one, I do everything I can for everyone and care about everyone and always end up alone. I don’t want nothing right now not even a women. I need to work on me get my life together and do what needs to be done for me.

I was happy to hear that, it is not something I have ever heard him say. I have said to him he needs to not worry about everyone and taking care of or doing for them. That he needs to take care of fixing his life and making hisself happy and things. He always says but this and that or he can’t he needs this or don’t have that. Or I point out why are you doing for this person when they are doing you this way that way and just said all this crap to you? Why are you so worried about doing this for them when they don’t care about you and treat you this way? Do you know what you look like to them? They are sitting back laughing look how we can do him then we say jump he jumps. I said you need stop worrying what they want and think and think about what they really think about you not what you want them to. He just gets quiet don’t say anything.

I think yesterday he is starting to see. He sounded like he was almost in tears. He had called me to talk as soon as he woke up. He never calls that early and not even up that early most the time. I just hope he can do it this time really get away from it all.

{April 25, 2018}   Fired

Tonight I learned the new guy at work is getting fired. I say new he is new like me and the other girl. They both started a week or two before me. So we are all new. Me and the boss talked about something’s today and before he left he said he was cutting him down to two days. Tonight he is just being let go.

He is nice but he says things he shouldn’t say and is rude to customers at times. Girls come in he says things to them and they are young, to young really. He tries to joke and things but its just not funny and akward a lot of times. He is stuck on scooby and shaggy thing always talking about how cool it is he looks like them and sounds like them. When he goes in to go over rules and back story he takes 3x as long as anyone there. The customers are looking at him like can we get to the point and just get started.

I guess he has been talked to a few times and nothing is changing. He recived a bad review and it said he was rude. The boss said done be is getting rid of him.

I feel bad and want to say something but I can’t because I need my job. I have to figure out what I am doing before I bring it up. I wasn’t worried when he said cutting hours because he still nmbe there and could pick up hours when I leave in a few days to a week. Plus it let him keep his job and hopefully keep his job. But right now it looks like they are going to be back to two peopls short.

My bff said I had the job unless I just went in and said or done something horrible. But until I meet him and talk to him and have everything worked out I’m not going to count on it at all. I guess we will see what happens.

{April 24, 2018}   Re: Giving Up

I didn’t say anything to Starfish today, just see if he say anything finally or what. He never did so about 5 this evening I just sent hey, no reply. About 6 I said what is going on? I am thinking okay 2 days now your not answering and it hit me it has been 3 days not 2, since I last heard from him. I then was more thinking something is wrong, something just is not right. I could see 2 days maybe just to think clear his head. I get that way just don’t answer. But fof him not to say anything for 3 days no.

I was worried and frustrated as well, still trying to decide what was going on. I started to ask my friend if she could find anything out through the guys at the shop. But really did not want to. She don’t know how much we are talking or what is going on. It’s better that way.

So I messaged him one last time a little after 8. I said,

Really with everything that you have going on, and after saying stuff like this…….
Hey just to let u know if I do something stupid and u never see or hear from me don’t be mad.
You say nothing for three days?

About an hour later he says, hey I’m okay, I will call you tomorrow okay. I said okay just making sure. But found it odd that was all he said and that he would “call” me tomorrow. We mostly just text, all this time we have been talking for weeks now has been just text, until last Friday when I was doing pizza’s, i called him he called me because I was driving.

Anyway about 15 minutes later my phone is blowing up, its him. He said I had a lot of shit that happen since we talked last. I got jumped and robbed. I just got my phone back today. I aske where he was and where he is now? All he will say is I will call you tomorrow. I said okay I have to be at work by 11am. He said okay.

Now I am thinking that he did like I am thinking and went to a friends house got in trouble or situation whatever you want to call it where this happen. He probably still there going home tomorrow he’s had time to heal up or what. Didn’t want to go back to his moms beat up or what her know what he done, what happen or what. Just like when he got the money to pay the guy he said I will be home once I meet him, I don’t want you there see what happens to me. Just let me handle it then I be there we will talk. Then he said well it depends how bad I am, I am not coming home with the kids there if I look to bad. He don’t want people to know. I know he is embarrassed about it. He didn’t want the kids to be worried he didn’t want to answer questions what happen or to have tell them or lie to them. He don’t want his mom her husband to because her husband will have a fit.

I hope he calls we can talk. I want to ask him straight out or tell him straight up I know what your doing. But I want to talk to him about getting help not just doing it on his own. Really talk about it not him feel like I am downing him or trying to get on him or what. I think I will see if I can get him to go look at that place Friday and try to talk to him then.

Please pray, send good vibes or what ever you do. He’s a friend going through a lot, I hate to see friends really going through shit like this. Day to day things is one thing but this really is a big deal. Just like my other friend and the stuff she is going through with her daughter its not stuff that oh things will settle down in a few days. It’s things that its going to take a lot to work through and really get through and will have lasting effects from now on. They both really are good people who did stupid things. Pray for them both and the ones of us trying to help.

{April 23, 2018}   Giving Up

Not sure if I posted before or not. But Starfish’s son is in another state in the hospital sick. He been trying to get up there to see him for over a week. His sister was going to drive but he needs money to go on and things. He told me for a little bit he done some work for someone he waiting to get paid. Well Friday he said it was the boss from the shop. He told him finally he could come Saturday and get a check he had no cash. Starfish called me why I was on pizza runs telling me. We both felt something was up, he don’t like giving checks out he passes the bank all time why not get the cash? I know he collected about $800 in cash Friday why I was there and had to go to the bank to get pay for the guys. He knows he is trying to go see his son, I do not know why he is doing him this way.

Saturday comes he couldn’t get a hold of him for a while he finally met up with him he only gave him $100. Said it was all he could do for now.

Naturally Starfish was pissed because he needed all of it to go on. We talked a little Friday off and on just what he told me was going on Saturday that was it. I worked Saturday night I messaged him he replied once after that he stopped. He was pretty mad an upset about not being able to go see his son. I said something’s. He said I am done talking about it. Since then he hasn’t said much.

When I got home I ask how his day been. Thinking now should not of asked that. Comsidering how the morning/afternoon went. Never said anything back. I said good morning earlier and ask if he was okay? Later I said wake up Sleeping Beauty. Joking around with him, after that first night we were supposed to go out I say it to him now and then. He just laughs say’s don’t call me that or something. Later I said you been quiet you ok? About an hour ago I ask if he was mad at me. Still nothing. Its been over 24 hours since I heard from him and that was nothing really.

I know he is upset and depressed and I am worried about him. Tuesday he wasn’t in good shape he sent me this

“Hey just to let u know if I do something stupid and u never see or hear from me don’t be mad”

When I ask why I got….


We messaged back and forth for a while he said about 9:30 he was going to get a snack and lay down. We talked off and on up until Saturday. I know he is like me swing from one extreme to the other fairly quickly. He was telling me he gived up again he just wasn’t going to go. I know not working, not having a car, or getting there to see his son are really hard areas for him. As for a lot of people. Not hearing from him all day like that I am starting to feel worried. A little mad at the sametime. I am figuring he is okay or I would of heard something. He knows to many people my boss knows and things it would of gotten back by now. But then I think maybe not who knows or what if everyone at home thinks he is somewhere with a friend and he has went off and done something to himself not been found.

While writing that I am now thinking he has done something stupid but not that stupid. I bet he took that money he got and had his mom drop him off at a friends house and bought shit with it since he couldn’t go see his son. I pray not but that would explain him not replying, he go off will not answer anyone until he decides to go home. He don’t want no one to know where he is what he is doing. But if he did something bad stupid I rather it be that than something to himself. Niether is good but. If he is just sitting there not answering I’m be pissed after saying what he did he do this and make me wonder. Knowing I be worried after he said what he did. I took it as in if I do, do something ever or while all this is going on not as in he was talking about just at the time he said it. I been trying get him out set up to go see that place but hs pulling away. I still try touch base few times a day anyway, just good morning, hows your day? What you up to or something.

I am going to sleep I guess for tonight. I think if I do not hear from him by tomorrow evening, I’m going to send that back to him be like how are you going to say this then ignore me for days knowing I be worried? See if he responds to that. If not I guess I will just wait until I get one of those text, hey, you awake, or whatever he decides to say. I’m still going to say something about it when I do hear from him again.

et cetera
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