{May 31, 2018}   karaoke Night

Last night my Bff asked if I wanted to go out like we do most Wednesday nights. She said she was bringing her kids. I told her no because I didn’t have money to even buy drinks much less anything else. My oldest heard us talking and said she had $20 she would get some stuff and drink water. So we decided to go. We were eating dinner at home right before we went and they drink enough junk that water wouldn’t hurt them.

We came home had dinner and went to leave my mom gave them $20 to get dessert with. The little ones got icecream shooters and the older ones got the $3 appetizers. They had enough they all got tea to drink. I just had a glass of tea. All I had to pay for was my tea.

My two little ones 5 and 7 years old sang but the older two wouldn’t. My youngest sang No by Meghan Tarronie. The other sang Up Town Funk You Up. They couldn’t read the screen and since it didn’t have the words with it they had a hard time knowing what to sing when. I didn’t know they have some with vocals. I will have to try and use them for them next time. I have to work on getting them to sing louder too.

My friends little boy is 7 also he has speech and learning problems. He started talking about wanting to sing as soon as we went in. She was telling him no and just wait. I said sure you can I go up there with you if you want. She was like I don’t know and was worried they wouldn’t let him. I said well trust me they will let him, if not or they say something I will have something to say. She like oh boy and he won’t get up there when they call him yada yada. I said if he don’t go or gets up there and stops in the middle its fine not a big deal. But if he wants to do it let him get up there and do it.

Her daughter was texting everyone’s name and songs in to the lady. I told her find his song he wanted and send it in. He was one of the first ones up there. Maybe the first. It was so cute my little one ran up stood infront of him and was waving her hands dancing and cheering for him. The other kids all came up around to watch. He started up I hung back let him go then he turned around looking for for me I went up with him. At first I sat over in a chair to the side he started. But he had the mic on his mouth so I went over stood beside him and helped him hold the mic I bent down was telling him in his ear what to sing next as it was going across. He sang some and some he stood there and some was a little off but he sang more of it than my kids did theirs I think and he did pretty good. What he did sing you could hear and understand a lot of it. He was so proud of himself.

His mom was surprised too I think everyone clappes for him. I told her after we sat back down not to tell him no or keep him from doing it if he wanted to. It is good for him to get up there and try. As hard as it is for people to understand him and for him to talk to people he gets frustrated because people can’t understand him. To want to try and to get up there infront of a packed out places with all those people good for him go for it and have fun. She tries to “protect” him from getting up there and messing up or not being able to be understood and what others may say or do. She was worried I know that if the lady heard him talk she wouldn’t want him to try and sing or tell him no he be upset. Not me because if that had happen you stand up for him and say something. Not let someone do him that way. Others are far from good some get up there and just try to do horrible. Others are really good. But they all get a chance. So if she had said something about his speech I would have said something. If others had said something or made fun of him I would of said something as well. Because when it is all said and done it is them with the problem not the kid. We should be encouraging the kids and making them feel good not putting them down and making fun of them because of a disability. Give them props for getting up there and trying. I do not deal with people being nasty to people over things they can not help like that surely not when it comes to kids. If we did that with everything we were worried about kids would never learn grow and explore new things.

His mom is very none confrontational and like I said just protect not put yourself out there to be subjected to confrontation. Having a child with disabilities you really can’t be that way. You have to let them try things and stand up for them. Never make them feel they can’t do something or that they are not as good as others or capable of doing things others can. Just because he he has problem speaking don’t mean he can’t sing. He maybe able to sing great. He does pronounce better when he is singing than talking but it isn’t perfect but its all for fun so who cares as long as he is having fun.

All in all everyone had fun and we had a very lazy day today. We didn’t get home until 1am or after. Little Bitty walked in went right to the bedroom stripped got in bed and fell a sleep. She didn’t get up until after 11 this morning. The rest got up about 12 or 1.

{May 31, 2018}   Praying

{May 30, 2018}   The First Again

Here we are at the first of the month again and I am stressed to the max. I am sitting here trying to figure out how to pay everything and buy everything. It seems like every month it is more and more money that I need.

Right now I need the $400 for the water bill because I didn’t have what they wanted to keep it on. I went and ask if I could have more time. They said I could but then I would have to pay everything. I did what I could at the time to keep it on so I could figure out what to do. Now I have about 5 days to pay it and still not sure what to do. Most the time they ask for a $150 or so to keep it on I scrape it up. But they wanted over $200 I didn’t have it. I guess because the bill is getting so high. I go in a circle like this paying just what I can and have to in order to keep things from going off. One reason I am always stressing. The little bit I do make I am putting right back into the house and bills. But it is never enough to get ahead.

Now the kids all need nice clothes for tonight. The boys both need pants they all need shoes and oldest needs an outfit. I don’t know what I am going to do because every $1 I spend is coming from money I need for water and rent. I am so sunk right now. I feel horrible I feel like a horrible mom and so sick because I am failing and can’t do anything about it. I just wish I wasn’t even here anymore dealing with it.

Mr. To Broken wants to help and give me money. But then I have that to pay back on top of all the other money I owe and there are strings attached that I do not want. He is so dead set that I be his girlfriend and let him take care of me and the other day got really pissed off and nasty because I told him again I am not interested in him in that way. He made the comment that we talk every day and things we basically are boyfriend and girlfriend. I told him just because we talk means nothing at all. That I talk to a lot of people all the time and every day just like I do him including other guys that meant nothing. He acts like I am just saying it. But I’m not, I talk to my Good Friend just the same as I do him amd probably more. I talk to starfish the same I talk to my Bff all the time as well. I guess I am basically dating them all.

He is just so desperate to have someone. He don’t really know what love is. I could date him let him pay everything and get all my crap paid off. Then just tell him it isn’t working out. But that is not how I am. He is way to much like Father of The Year way to many red flags when I talk to him and around him. I do not get good vibes from him as anything more than a friend. I feel if I was to get with him I be in a really bad situation again. Maybe worse than with ex. I am not doing that again. I even told him I have very strong feelings for someone else it just isn’t the right time for either of us I am working on things in my life they are working on things in theirs and maybe when I get things settled again then I will tell this person. I told him I am not in a spot to get into a relationship right now. That before I was looking but I am not right now things changed. He don’t get it. Just if I get with him or just let him take care of it all. He keeps asking what is wrong with him why i don’t want him. I am about to the point of putting it all out there as blunt as i can and being done. Again who wants to beg someone to be in a relationship with them and who would want to be in a relationship with someone that has told you over and over and over for months they dont like you like that and that they have feelings for another man. Something is very wrong with that if you ask me.

{May 30, 2018}   What’s Sickening is…..

Tonight when I got home I did a ruff calculation of how much he owes for the kids. I could pay all my bills up to $0, pay back every dime I owe people including my kids and still walk away with $2600 in my pocket. But I am stressing right now over how I am going to come up with $400 by the 5th. And in all realty it should be paid and I should have money left to do something nice with the kids. But instead I sit here stressing and sick.

Maybe he will total his new truck and…….

{May 30, 2018}   He Has A Truck

Edited to say—So I went by before dark so I could see better it is a Nissan not F150 but it is silver.

A nice new to him fucking truck. My kids have now bought him a nice “new to him” truck. Because I know he couldn’t buy one if he was paying his child support like he is supposed to. I was in a mood tonight and decided to drive by there see if I seen the work truck. I wanted to take a picture of it sitting in his driveway well after work hours. This way when he says he isn’t working he will have to explain that. I am also going to get pictures of him at breakfast and lunch with the guys and out working and cominng and going from the shop and last walk right up to the group meeting in the morning at the shop and take a picture of him there. Then let him tell the courts how he is not working.

I drove by there is a nice F150 silver or gray it look to be in color sitting in the drive. I wanted to drive my truck into it and slam it into his trailer so bad I couldn’t stand it. Knowing all the money he owes these kids and I am struggling and can’t even get by. I wanted to go knock on his door and say something but I didn’t I left because I am not giving them the chance to put me in jail. I told my bff i should go shake her tree why he is at work tomorrow. Tell her he owes me x amount of money if he don’t have it to me by Friday I was going to kick her ass and calling anyone would be the wrongest (is that a word? Is now.) Thing she would ever do.

I was already sick from stress then seen that just made it worse. He riding around nice truck, while I have to worry about if I am going to make it where I need to go and back without the front end falling from under mine and have to put my kids in it and drive them. Worry if it is going to blow up because I still haven’t gotten it fixed.

How does one lay down and sleep at night knowing how they are doinng their kids. I don’t sleep good at night even though I am here doing everything I can and can’t hardly get by. Laying here knowing I am failing them. If people even you all knew how bad things really were you be shocked and in disbelief. But they have a nice truck, go to outback all the time, always in new clothes when you see them, buying new stuff for the house everything. Makes me want to puke thinking about it all.

{May 30, 2018}   Borrowing The Car

Boy gets his permit and ask dad if he can have the keys to the car. Father said you have to get your grades up read your bible more and cut your hair. Then you can use the car. few weeks later the boy comes back and says I did what you said can i use the car? Fathers says you pulled your grades up and you are reading your bible more but you still haven’t cut your hair. Son says well dad I been thinking about it and moses, samson and even Jesus all had long hair in the bible father says to the son yes son they sure did and they walked every where they went too.

{May 29, 2018}   It’s All Coming To A Head

So you all know I haven’t been to the shop in a month or two now. It’s no secret that the boss is shady and more and more has been coming out since all the shit happen in December. Well Starfish told us it was going to all come to a head and a lot of shit was going to come out. That he was doing well not doing a lot up there. Plus the drugs and all that. He kept saying it was all going to come out and he kept telling my Bff the bosses wife she better get things straight for her and the kids. He kept telling me I better tall to her and tell her to get on the ball get things taken care of get a job and things. Since we have started talking again not long ago he has ask me what she is doing and telling me I better tell her get her to do something she better listen.

Well right about the time the kid got killed kn the accident shit started hitting the fan. It hasn’t stopped and I don’t think the worse has come out yet or happened. Customers have started calling the news and the shop has been all over the news. People are going to all the licencing and permitting places and the state. They are getting everyone and anyone that they can involved.

Right before all this started and before the kid was in the accident boss went and rented a new shop and said he was closing this one and going to open the other one. The new guy was to run it and boss was just going to come in and build when he needed to and do repos and things mostly. He still working on opening the other shop and has a opening date here in a week or two. Now all this other shit has come out and they foundout he is opening this other shop amd grabbes onto that and running with it putting it all out there that it is the same people not to go there and things.

I figured it was going to be bad but it is way worse than I ever thought it was going to be. Bff is worried he is going to go to jail they are trying to get him on fraud charges. They are waituing to see if the DA is going to pick it up or not. The other day on our trip to the zoo we stopped to get drinks and things for the kids and her bank card was declined. He said there were two charges for almost $5000 on the account he had to see what was going on. When we left the zoo she talked to him and he said the IRS froze their accounts. They put the two things on there something they do to hold the accounts or get their money. They say the taxes were not paid for 2014 he is saying, before he owned it. I don’t believe it but if that is what she wants to believe so be it.

I am waiting for the drug end of it to come out and how into it he is and what areas. He swears he isn’t but we all know different. I am thinking he is just buying but I think he is buying a lot. And I think it is a big part of all the shit that is going on. Starfish kept saying when it all came out went down we would see. But still didn’t think it was going to be like this.

{May 29, 2018}   Fully Booked Day

This is what my day looked like yesterday. I was called at 9 something am before I had even gotten out of bed and told I could come in anytime between then and 1 when I was supposed to be there. They had some back to back rooms the other girl would need help. I had already looked seen we had 6 rooms for the day 3 together then 3 together later in the day. The first of then would start right about the time I would be getting there. So I got up got things together for the kids and got to work about 11:30 am.

I walked in the door to a group of people the phone ringing and more people coming in. I was on the phone before I even got clocked in. I had to chit chat to get myself time to clock in so I could help them. I asked them the normal questions while I was clocking in they never knew nothing.

We started the one group booked one or two over the phone and one who walked in. Before. All while taking care of and starting our next two rooms. Before I knew it between the two of us we went from 6 rooms for the day to 16 and people still calling. We had rooms double booked and before the night was over we were using the empty morning slots to book rooms for night slots because we had no more slots for those rooms for the day. When it was all said and done we ran 25 rooms with about 30 different groups of people.

I was there again by myselfe for a few hours with no back up. We got behind because I was brefing rooms, resetting, answering phones, taking care of customers and everything else on my own. The one girl leaves right at 1 no matter what. The owner was there for a long time but left right before her and wasn’t helping anyway. He was dealing with his own stuff.

He wasn’t happy when he left because he needed to get a hold of the boss and tried calling like 8 times and never was answered. He told me I was doing a great job ask how many times I tried to call boss and gave me his number and told me anything I needed or problems to call him it was no problem. Thanked me over and over for being there doing such a good job. This was in our slower time. But he seen and his friend did that I was going going doing whatever had to be done i was good with the customers not loud rude or over the top like some are and i was working not on my phone.

He pulled out about 5 rolls of toilet paper and sat on the front counter to take with him. Everyone kept playing with it stacking it and moving it around when they come in. I kept thinking I needed to move it but was just busy and thinking he leave in a few and take it. After everyone left and rooms were going I walked upfront and sat down to watch the camera’s and there it sat on the counter still. I snapped a picture and sent it to the owner the one who forgot it.

Forgot somethingšŸ˜¬

I sent it just like that. In a minute my phone was ringing it said it was him calling. I was thinking shit I’m get my ass chewed I should not of sent that. He wasn’t in a good mood as it was I don’t really know him. This is only the 3rd time we had been there the same time and only time we had ever really talked it wasn’t a lot. I answered ready to take it appalagise and hope for the best.

I answered he was like omg that is so great I loved it, it was just what I needed, it was a breath of fresh air. The last 14 days have been nothing but stress and hell and I lost my credit card im sick wife is sick i cant get in the safe and cant get boss to get me in it to get money so we can go to the walk in clinic. I just looked at my buddy and said shit I forgot the toilet paper then I look down and seen your text that was the best. I just love you your great. Im like I just wanted to make sure you knew before you got home. He think you so much toss it behind the counter i be back to get it. I really needed that. I had to finally tell him i had to go i had people calling and things.

Then the storm hit everyone is showing up early games are starting late because i am doing everything on my own. I have 3 groups of people in front of me, 3 rooms going, trying to clue them take care of people infront of me and the phone is ringing. I answer and ask them to hold and lay the phone down. I clue the rooms and start with the people in front of me. Then think of the person on hold. I grab the phone say sorry ask how I can help them?

The voice on the other end of the line is mad and say’s it’s x the owner and why with 2 of you there am I…

I stopped him right there and said I am the only one here doing it all. I have this, this, this going on I am trying to do this, this and this and every other job that has to be done here on my own and right now every job that there is has to be done i am doing what I can. I wasn’t loud or rude or nasty. I was just to the point and manner of fact and stern. I wasn’t complaining about it but just letting him know this is how it is this is why you are on hold. He stopped and stopped me started saying how sorry he was and what a great job I was doing and it wasn’t me it was a management issue, he take care of it he was going to go. How much he loved me and thanking me over and over and what a great job i was doing. By this point I have all but 3 room booked and turning people away because the only room i have i will not put kids in and if they have never done a room it is not a good one to start with. I told him that too all rooms but 3 were booked.

After 3 boss comes in starts on me about why I did not call for back up? Why we were behind and I had not stopped to make phone calls to others asking them to came in later. I didn’t have time to call 20 people to ask them to come later trying to do everything else. And as far as calling anyone in what I was given said my back up was not able to come in until after 3. I knew boss would be in at 3 to help because he told me he would when he called me to come early. I did not bother to call boss because owner did like 8 times and didn’t get him the other girl tried 3 or 4. I couldn’t of gotten him either. The other girl who was there til one should of said if we could call someone else. She must not of known either. But then the fact not only was the owner there and seen how busy we were but then called got put on hold and i told him. He did not bother to say get on the phone call you some help to come in or i will call you help or come back. So what was i supposed to of thought. I said a little bit to boss but when it came to it being his mess up he had things to do wouldn’t listen to what more i had to say. Then told the other girls how mad he was at me because of everything being a mess and we were going to be having a meating.

I don’t care if he is mad he say what he wants. This is not the first time I was done this way and left a lone with no help. He was my back up and did not answer until an hour after we closed I never got help. He did not say then I should of called someone else. Basically just oh well sorry and that was that. He starts to much with me I will call the owner and have a chat with him. He done gave me his number said if there was any problems he seen me work and knows how I am and is happy with me. He is already unhappy with boss right now so. I am in no way looking to get anyone in trouble but I am not taking the fall for someone else’s screw up and risk losing my job. Boss is tired of being there and on call all the time he has a new girlfriend and is tied up with her and not wanting to deal with this. Thats fine but its his job and to leave people like he is and then say well you should of when that isn’t what was said.

Other places I worked if it said you have help you can call after 3 thats when you had help and until then you sucked it up did the job and kissed ass to keep the customers happy. You didn’t stop to call around find help. Because you knew when your help would be there. If you had hope you may get help before that you called the boss they called help why you did your job. That’s how it was last time I was busy and needed help there was none i had to suck it up and take care of business why would I figure it to be different.

thats how my Sunday went. From 6 to fully booked in a matter of an hour or two. Each one of those we have to have them come in 15 minutes early so it leaves not even a couple minutes of down time. Then you get started late and it all goes down hill in a matter of minutes. I worked 10.2 hours.


{May 28, 2018}   An Accident

My right arm is so sore and seems swollen to me. Its just an annoying soreness in my arm from down in my thumb to my elbow almost and all around.

I don’t know if I told you all that on Thursday I was almost in an accident. I almost broke my arm and just about hit a mailbox and other cars.

I did something I never do and know better than to ever do. I was reaching for something on my dash. I stuck my hand and arm through the steering wheel instead of around it. Then I had to turn and things and without thinking about what I was doing where my arm was I did. My arm got all twisted up in the wheel and snatched all around. I ran off the road because not only was my arm stuck I couldn’t steer the truck. I almost hit a mailbox other cars and the ditch.

Now it hurts up to my elbow still hurts to grip anything or carry anything. Just sore all the time no matter how I turn it, hold it or lay it. It isn’t bruised that I can see on the outside. My thumb hurts as well down into my arm. I can use it but it all hurts pretty bad.

Still can not believe I did that. I never do stuff like that. I am just so wore out and stressed over bills. I feel like I am sleepwalking through my days and nights. Just go go go all the time and then dealing with her on top of it.

{May 28, 2018}   4 Days Behind

I told you all about the 30 day prayer challenge and prayer journal I started. I am now 4 days down in writting. While I haven’t written I have prayed for my list of people. It hasn’t been as in depth as when I write but I haven’t forgotten or stopped praying for them. Its been quick things here and there as I am going about my day or as I lay down at night to just unwind and relaxe.

Mostly just help so and so with, I haven’t talk to such and such hope everything is ok be with them. Or just whatever I think of at the time.

I really want to get back to writting I feel like I think of so much more to pray for when I get to each person.

I have just been exhausted the last 3 or 4 nights after working and running. The other night it was all I could do to not just fall over on my bed and pass out while I was eating my sub after work.

et cetera
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