This is a phrase everyone keeps saying to me. I keep thinking how is anyone supposed to even want to try to get better if that’s everyone’s view on them?
After reading and researching I can understand the phrase more and what is meant by it. But still on the fence on how I feel about the phrase. Because it seems to be used out of context a lot. It’s like someone is trying to turn their life around and do better but they slip up. Its like oh well they aren’t really trying and then comes the ol, once an addict always an addict phrase. As if oh they slipped up they are never going to make it or change. I could be 100% wrong and maybe that isn’t how they mean it but it’s how it comes across.
Like if someone decides today I’m not going to do X anymore people think it’s like flipping a switch or something everything just goes away and they are never going to touch it again. If a few days a week or months later something happens they screw up one day out of 365, everyone is there to down them and give up on them rather than encourage them and help them. It’s like they think they are just going to keep on going falling. Not that they could say oh I slipped yesterday but I’m not going to do it today too just because I did yesterday. Some will fall harder and may feel oh well I can’t do it so and keep going for a while again. But that is not what I am talking about. Even then to say once, always isn’t giving hope or encouraging to them either.
Let me just say this as well, I am not talking about enabling them at all. Because that does no good for anyone involved. There is a huge difference in, enabling some one and being there to encourge them support them, and just be a friend. It is important to know the difference and make sure of what you are doing.
Just like right now with Starfish, I am being there for him to talk to give advice and encourge him. When he tells me he done something stupid I don’t ignore it but I don’t support it either. Just like when he said he went to do something for boss and everything happen. I ask him why he would do that and pointed out how it never turns out good and how it makes him look and lets him keep having control and things. That he needs to stay away from him he wants to do better he keeps letting him drag him down he isn’t going to do better if he don’t disconnect. When he told me you told me not to take this phone. I said because I knew how he was and how it would be. I was looking out for you. I am guilty of enabling him as well a little. There is no excuse for it I should of stud my ground and refused to do things his way but I didn’t want to fight over it all. I just wanted it handled and taken care of. To be done with it. I learned my lesson and know better now.
Like my bff said I am that one truly stable person in his life that is doing it and maybe struggling but keeping it together. I’m not doing all the crap I could be doing or a lot of people around here are. I do try to just do what is right, help when I can and just be a friend when I can. I don’t judge or use or put people down. If they really need the help they are trying I will be there to do what I can, because I know what it is like to have no one really and always be judged and put down. It sucks and I do not know how I hold on sometimes. People don’t relise that you could be that person’s last little thread of hope when they are reaching out to you. Your response really could make a huge difference in what way they go, rather it just be someone going through a hard time, or someone that just needs a break from their kids because they are with them 24/7 and doing it all with no break or help. Give them an hour take the kids let them cool off and destress. If not what may happen? Look at all these poor kids you see who been abused or killed. Just like the shaken babies. Its is stressful when they don’t stop crying and when your tired and dealing with the rest of life. I have sat my baby in the crib and walked away outside because I just needed a break. I knew they were safe and it gave me a few minutes to collect myself.
It is kind of the same way with addicts, if they have no one and no one cares or tries to help them, then why quit? You have the same either way. Even though there are reasons to stop no matter what they are not looking at it that way. Just like he has said many times no matter how hard I try I get knocked back down and everyone attacks me says this that and the other so why try to do better they say shit either way. People like that need that positive in their life that support to get past that shit when it happens until they are strong enough to see it on their own.
I was and still am in some ways the same when dealing with my depression. I feel like I am getting no where, I am working my ass off my kids are having problems, I am almost keeping everything going. But I have no life my kids are suffering over it I am alone and not good enough for any other job because no matter how hard I try or how many I go to someone else always gets it. So why bother? Why try? I can’t give up I have to keep going because I have 4 kids waiting on me for everything. And I am also to fucking stubborn, the hell I am going to fail and give all these fuckers the chance to enjoy seeing me fail and that ha ha I couldn’t do it. So people that don’t have kids and feel they have no one what do they have to push them and give them that drive to do better when they keep getting knocked down?
While reading up on addiction and things it was talking about why people become addicts or stay addicts. And that was one of the two main things they pointed out. That some just are and it bcomes a problem before they even know it. They just tried it or thought they could just do it and stop when they got ready. While others are because of their environment. If they had a better support system and things they could get off of it and turn their life around do great from now on. But without the support when things happen they have no where or no one to turn to so what do they do? Go back to what they know.
Everyone keeps telling me I can’t save Starfish, he has to want it himself, do it for himself, once an addict always an addict, its not worth the time and on and on. First I am not stupid I know I can not save him and I am not trying to. I know that I am not going to do nothing that I do not want to do no matter how much someone else wants me to if its something I am set on. So I know that I can’t make someone do anything. But I also know that he wants to be away from all this once and for all. When we talk its not like he just saying what he thinks you want to hear. We can be talking about something that has nothing to do with that he will start talking about it and you can just tell that it bothers him. He wants change but he is stuck and in that cycle oftrying to do it get knocked down everyone attacking you, to trying and doing ok to down again. Like I said before I think he got a good job away from the shop and not at that lot he was working at and found a good place to stay he be okay. Just like the job at the lot he knew he messed up it wasn’t a good place for him and he left. Because they were all into stuff and patying. If he really wasn’t wanting away from it why wouldn’t he of stayed? He worked there for years and done this with them it was like home for him. He thought he go back just work do his job and stay out of it until he could get something else. But he couldn’t he was to close to them all and it was just to easy to say fuck it and go on.
I don’t know I could be wrong but I really don’t think I am and hope that I’m not, because he is a good person who has a lot to offer and deserves to be happy.