{May 15, 2018}   Swimming in Bills

I fucked up again and big time this time. I screwed up with my car insurance and it cancelled. I have not had any for a week or more. They want $205 to give me a new policy. I don’t have $205 to give them. Well I might or close to it. But I have to pay on my lights that are due tomorrow and need gas for the week and need to pay on my water. I don’t know how I did this, I know its been late and things but I have always keep it active so that I had it.

I have been fighting just breaking down all morning, my allergies are horrible, I feel like shit, I am stressed and lonely. Like I said in my other post, I just want to feel like someone cares about me for a change, someone to take care of me and things for a little bit until I feel better.

I am tired of doing this alone and trying to make it all happen and work on my own. Although I know that my divorce was the right thing to do and we are much better off away from him. I have to be really honest and say I have thought lately that if I had just stayed I wouldn’t be in such a jam. I know that isn’t true at all because I had to fight to get the bills paid when he was there and couldn’t work or anything else. But I am just at such a low point right now, I don’t know what way I am going or where to turn or what to do. I have so much going through my head. I sit here in my truck writting this crying getting ready to go meet a friend to get the money to pay the car insurance.

I feel like shit, I can’t believe I am having to ask them to borrow money. I feel like I am sinking fast. I don’t know at this point what to do or how to stop it. I feel like I am in a boat and every bucket of what I dump out someone dumps 10 more in.

I do not feel like doing anything at all but curling up in my bed and staying. I just feel like I need to rest. Even though I have been sleeping I just do not feel rested the last few days.

What sucks is that even if I met someone I still be doing this alone. Because I do not want to rush into things with anyone either. But it would still be easier because at least I would have someone for support emotionally and someone who cared about what is going on. I wouldn’t be alone and maybe a little help after a bit with getting kids home and things.

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