{May 30, 2018}   The First Again

Here we are at the first of the month again and I am stressed to the max. I am sitting here trying to figure out how to pay everything and buy everything. It seems like every month it is more and more money that I need.

Right now I need the $400 for the water bill because I didn’t have what they wanted to keep it on. I went and ask if I could have more time. They said I could but then I would have to pay everything. I did what I could at the time to keep it on so I could figure out what to do. Now I have about 5 days to pay it and still not sure what to do. Most the time they ask for a $150 or so to keep it on I scrape it up. But they wanted over $200 I didn’t have it. I guess because the bill is getting so high. I go in a circle like this paying just what I can and have to in order to keep things from going off. One reason I am always stressing. The little bit I do make I am putting right back into the house and bills. But it is never enough to get ahead.

Now the kids all need nice clothes for tonight. The boys both need pants they all need shoes and oldest needs an outfit. I don’t know what I am going to do because every $1 I spend is coming from money I need for water and rent. I am so sunk right now. I feel horrible I feel like a horrible mom and so sick because I am failing and can’t do anything about it. I just wish I wasn’t even here anymore dealing with it.

Mr. To Broken wants to help and give me money. But then I have that to pay back on top of all the other money I owe and there are strings attached that I do not want. He is so dead set that I be his girlfriend and let him take care of me and the other day got really pissed off and nasty because I told him again I am not interested in him in that way. He made the comment that we talk every day and things we basically are boyfriend and girlfriend. I told him just because we talk means nothing at all. That I talk to a lot of people all the time and every day just like I do him including other guys that meant nothing. He acts like I am just saying it. But I’m not, I talk to my Good Friend just the same as I do him amd probably more. I talk to starfish the same I talk to my Bff all the time as well. I guess I am basically dating them all.

He is just so desperate to have someone. He don’t really know what love is. I could date him let him pay everything and get all my crap paid off. Then just tell him it isn’t working out. But that is not how I am. He is way to much like Father of The Year way to many red flags when I talk to him and around him. I do not get good vibes from him as anything more than a friend. I feel if I was to get with him I be in a really bad situation again. Maybe worse than with ex. I am not doing that again. I even told him I have very strong feelings for someone else it just isn’t the right time for either of us I am working on things in my life they are working on things in theirs and maybe when I get things settled again then I will tell this person. I told him I am not in a spot to get into a relationship right now. That before I was looking but I am not right now things changed. He don’t get it. Just if I get with him or just let him take care of it all. He keeps asking what is wrong with him why i don’t want him. I am about to the point of putting it all out there as blunt as i can and being done. Again who wants to beg someone to be in a relationship with them and who would want to be in a relationship with someone that has told you over and over and over for months they dont like you like that and that they have feelings for another man. Something is very wrong with that if you ask me.

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