{June 30, 2018}   There May Be Hope Still

I seen a Expedtion sitting on the lot that Starfishes boss owns today. I messaged him and ask him about it. Tonight he messaged me back and said he would findout about it and let me know. He said honestly it is a really good strong running truck with cold a/c. He said he had been trying to get him to give him a down payment price so he could but it. I guess he messaged his boss asked him he told him $4000 cash. He asked if I wanted to sell mine or what. I told him yes I thought so. He said send him pictures. He ask what I wanted. I told him i did not know what a fair price would be. I knew it needed x amount of parts. I said you know my truck as good as me what do you think? He said I don’t know. I told him the other was to much way more than I wanted to spend. He said he make a deal give me something for my truck. I told him no because I did not want to have that much tied up in that truck. For that I could have one like I have in better shape. He said but he will make a deal with you on yours too. I said no i dont want to do that. He said you still want to sell yours? I said if the price is right. Few minutes he came back and said he said unseen nust with pictures knowing what he told him he said $1500. I said no way I may as well keep it and fix it for that.

He said I can go ask the guy at the other lot for you. He said honestly you could probably still get about $5000 out of it. I said yeah i know these lots will get a good amount out of it even with the work it needs put into it. He said yeah he said he is going to call Rob tomorrow. He was the one talking about giving me $7000 for it before then I didn’t do it. He is close with them I think they are better to deal with than where he is now. He knows. He knows I know prices and cost and things too. But he was just beinng the messenger. Why when I said no he said i can ask over here. He said he wish he had the money buy it and put the work into it. I work something out with him if I did not need money so badly.

He said the other guy who he is going to talk to tomorrow has a Ford Ranger too. But he wants way to much for his trucks and cars. I am going to just tell him if you want to buy okay lets do it. Then if I decide to buy I will do that in a different transaction. Not doing it all together or as a trade in. Get ripped off really badly that way. If he gives me that much I will take the money pay my mom off and buy another truck like I have.

I hope he finds something out tomorrow one way or another. I was a little surprised he ask about wanting to sell it and trying to help me. I think like me he thought the guy would offer more. I think that is one reason he didn’t want to say a price me ask for that and then findout the guy would of gave more. But we know what was offered over here when it didn’t need work. So $5000 is still good to ask or expect because he still have less than $7000 once he puts the work into it. So he will make money i will we can all be happy.

{June 29, 2018}   All Figured Out

Well last night I thought I had everything figured out. I decided that getting into a relationship with my “friend” at this point probably wasn’t the best idea. Seeing as I would be giving up things that not only I want but that the kids want as well. In order to be in that realtionship. Knowing that we are not even really close to being on the same page in an area that is important. I am sure we could probably come to a compromise some how. But if not I don’t see it leasting long.

But if we did and it went somewhere, he don’t want to move, he really can’t, he has a good job and his daughter here. I would not ask him to leave her or expect him to. But moving is so important to me and the kids. We need away from things here. We have goals we are working on. I think we all be happy if we got together and it worked out but there still be that want to just get away from here. It seems like it is so close for me right now. Do I give up or postpone what I want or working for yet again because I end up with someone? I feel like I did that with Peter Pan and R.C. and that I just lose myslef when I do that because I give up what I want just to make things easier or everyone else happy. Not that I am not happy at the time but then it always seems to blow up in my face and I end up struggling with no help. Maybe it is time to find someone on the same page goal wise or with moving and making sure I can do what I feel I need or want to do for me as well as everyone else and who is willing to help make that happen just as I am with them.

I had decided for a few reasons that Starfish was probably better option. Sounds so bad option. I don’t know the word I am looking for right now. But that over all if he is interested we be looking for more the samethings. We have talked and talk about wanting to move and live somewhere different. Just like before when he was talking about wanting to go when we weren’t even together. He is able to do that if he wants he and in other areas that my “friend” was looking for different things than me we are on the same pages there. He knows my kids has spent time with them. They like him and things. Just seems better all around.

I had decided I would probably tell him the next time I see him and how. Then my “friend” sent me that this morning. I think it be great to have him rent the room over all if our history wasn’t there.

But then if I am 100% honest it would be nice to settle down have someone. Who does care and who has been around and knows and things. I don’t know they are the same in so many ways and so different in so many ways and our relationships are different. It is so hard to figure out the right thing to do.

I also worry what if I tell him no, don’t say anything or bring it back up or give it a try and decide to go with the other one amd that don’t work out? Then I have blown it with this one. Not that I am looking for him to wait or still feel the same later. It don’t work that way, I know. I really don’t want to hurt my “friend” because we are friends have been for so long even before all this. I do care about him and have feelings for him. I just don’t feel we are comparable. (There it is the word I was looking for.) Me and Starfish are more comparable not better option. Anyway, I don’t want to hurt him or change our friendship and things. We had this talk not long before me and R.C. got together and then that disagreements happen and then I met R.C. I guess I feel like maybe I am doing the wrong thing by not doing it now since I feel the way I do and that he is going to give up like I said earlier. He is offering for the 3rd time. Is that a sign? I going to have to really look at a lot and consider a lot.

Surprisingly the thought of being with either one doesn’t bother me or “scare” me. It is kind of a here it is you want it, your not doing anything to make it happen, these are the ones you want now decide and do something no more sitting and waiting. If that makes since.

{June 29, 2018}   Help Each Other Out

I have not heard from my “friend” since we talked all that time the other night. Then he messaged me today.

He ask if my mom is staying here and if I had a room for rent. He said make room for him to stay and he would move in and give me $500 a month for rent. He said he would help me out with rides until I could get the parts to fix my truck and he would do the work once I got them. He wants to go get a car and needs to show more money than he does right now. If he was staying somewhere cheaper then he show more money a month to put on a car. He wants to go get one tomorrow. I would still have to get to work but he could pick me up at night amd when I was off I could get places I needed to go.

I told him I had a big back room i been trying to rent before. That if i could get someone in there to pay $500 I could trust I would be doing really good. But that I have her here and can’t do anything right now. That I was trying to get a lone to take care of things and getting her out was one of them. That I was going to have to file through the court on her. He said make room for him let him move in he would get her to leave. I would love to but I don’t want her causing any of us problems and she would just for spite knowing none of us have a place to go and have the kids. It is just how she is.

My friend thinks I should just go for it, get with him and let him move in. She says it help me out and I wouldn’t have to strugglenso much and things. That is true but I do not want to go into a relationship because of that. Like I told her then I am stuck in a situation like I was with Peter Pan. I need to work this out be able to do it on my own. I don’t want to rush into living with someone when we get together. She says but your not, you known him half your life you have practically been together for the last 7 years. It isn’t like you just met him amd things. It is true we have known each other since we were about 15/16 and we have been close the last 7 years doing what we are doing. But what we have been doing and getting into a committed relationship, moving in together and bring kids into it is a compleatly different ballgame.

She keeps saying he is such a good guy and a decent guy. That he cares he trying to help amd things. There aren’t a lot of decent guys out there and hard to find. She says do it for now if it don’t work out or I change my mind just move on find someone new later. That isn’t what I want to do. I don’t want someone for here and now or to help get by.

I told her I might be interested in others. She asking who. I just told her she left me and went on her trips and left me to my own device’s, she was out of the loop of all that I been doing or thinking. She laughed. She don’t know how I feel about Starfish or any of that. I could let him just rent the room if I could get my mother out of there but that wouldn’t work very well wanting to meet someone I don’t think. With our history or what we have been doing. It be weird and awkward I think. I don’t want to end up pushed into or rushing into things. I am going to have to think a lot about it and I still have to get things straight here. It be a little bit before I could let him do it anyway even if it was just the room.


{June 29, 2018}   Starting To Get To Me

Not having my truck is really starting to get to me. I need to go see about a loan to take care of things. I need to get my check, go to the other bank, and go pay on my guns. I also have somewhere to go tomorrow. But can’t do any of it. I have no idea how I will get to and from work tomorrow or Sunday or anything else at this point either. This really sucks.

I do not even know how I feel about it being broken over all. I mean I care I don’t have a ride but other than that I don’t really feel anything about it all. I kind of feel a peace about it all and oh well. I haven’t been trying to figure out how to fix it, or stressing over getting it fixed or anything like that. It’s almost as if it isn’t even there. Idon’t know why I feel that way. Maybe subconsciously I am just glad to not be dealing with it and figuring out what it needs or trying to make it last. Maybe because I just feel this is the time to just move on and my chance. I never wanted that truck. I wanted one like it but not that one. I was forced into that one by Peter Pan. Maybe I just feel now is my chance to be done with anything that had to do with him. I want to start new and fresh start there.

I just pray I am able to work something out. I don’t know what or how but I have to work out a ride some way.

I wonder what I could trade it for? Instead of selling it list it to trade. Or list for trade or sell. Hum…….

{June 29, 2018}   July 11th

Bff told me tonight the guy at the car lot wants to talk to me July 11th about that job. She said he is going out of town july 4th until the 11th. But the 11th is a Wednesday so it will probably have to be the 12. I work Wednesdays. If he getting home on the 11th who knows what time he be able to meet that day. Or if he will feel like it.

I was hoping to find out sooner. I have decided to just forget it not think about it or anything until then. Pray it works and I get it.

{June 29, 2018}   Lunch With The Owner

I do not know how this is going to go, I am waiting on the girl from work to pick me up so we can meet the owner and his wife for lunch.

This is not something I was supposed to be apart of. This was a business kind of thing between the two of them and a clear the air for some things she wanted to talk to him about.

Since my truck broke down and I am going in on my day off she is picking me up for work. She just called about an hour ago and said your going too get ready I will be there in a bit. She told him she is picking me up and that boss wanted us in early today because we have close to 40 people coming all at once today. He told her to bring me too.

I’m like great just what I wanted to do with my day off. I really do not mind I just do not want a lot of shit coming up and going down that could cause problems with my job. It isn’t much but it is better than nothing. And I can get a job to work around it. I can not afford to lose it right now.

But if I am asked about things I am not going to lie or cover it up either. The manager likes to get rid of people he feels is getting to close with the owner. Because he don’t want anyone to know what is going on. He puts hisself on for x hours taking hours we could be getting and need and then goes home. Why we are there working our butts off doing his job and ours and he won’t answer the phone. He sitting at home getting paid. Then we are doing two people’s job’s. There are other things too.

Okay, so this didn’t post earlier like it was supposed to. So I will tell you what happen here.

We were the first ones there, we got inside they had not shown up yet. We were seated given drinks. They showed up a little later.

He sat down and ask what our wants, needs, and things were. The other girl showed him her stickers she made and they talked about that. It came back around to work. And a lot of stuff came up and out. He told us never to feel that we can not come to him or talk to him or his wife about anything that we have a problem with or question about. He said there was miss understanding where that came into play. And taken to far. He said the girl just got fired had it as did everyone and she was calling him for everything and nothing other than just to chit chat. He told the manager she needed to stop and not be coming to him because they ran out of towels in the bathroom what should she do? When we have 100 packs in the closet and she knows because she been there a year. It was nothing more than just to talk to him. She liked him. She 20 he probably 40 something and married. He told him that stuff needed to go to manager if she really needed to know what to do that is what he was there for. Boss took it upon himself to say no one could have owners number.

Owner got mad about something walked outside or something. Not at us stuff going on. His wife was talking to us she said we just need to know and want to know from yall what is going on if things are wrong or there are problems. We aren’t going to throw you under the bus or anything like that. I said I have no problem telling you at all. But I can’t have my job on the line I have 4 kids on my own and I have lost two of my three jobs right now this is all i have left. She said no you do not have to worry about that at all.

Her husband came back and we talked some more. I said you know he says i don’t blow up his phone he never hears from me unless something is wrong but then when it is I have to call 3 or 4 times and he don’t answer. I said fier alarm went off had pull people out of rooms make them go outside. I call 3x he answers the 3 time says figured it must really be important I should probably answer.

I said the day we we booked out and sold every room but 2 and everything was a mess I was by myself for hours. I said owner you been there called 7 or 8 times no answer. Other girl called 2 or 3 none. You left we were starting to get busy. You called got put on hold wanted to know why with two there. I told you it was only me. I said my paper said I had no back up until after 3 as far as I knew I had no one. I said any other job I had all that has happen it was on you sucked it up buttercup and got the job done. Hoped back up at least came after 3.

I thought of something, i said and he told me he told you he yelled at me and got onto me for it, because I should of known to call or what. I said I had people waiting for their rooms, i was reseting, briefing, running to give clues while trying to reset, check people in answer the phones everything i was it doing a 100% everything. He had not answered any of your two phone calls he was not going to magically answer mine. And where did i have time in the middle of all that to sit and call him over and over hoping he would answer for me? His wife said your right, your right yes its just up to you get the job done other places all that already happen its what you were doing. I said but it made me mad he tells me he told you he “yelled” at me for it and took care of the “problemb”. I said he has made that comment a few times and it isn’t right. I said so it makes it look like we just don’t know what we are doing, don’t listen, or just messing up/don’t care it is our fault. When he is the boss he is who i should of been calling but he was not answering. I said so I am over here thinking how many times is he going to say this to cover for his mess up before you go if they are messing up that much get rid of them. I said i know i would its only normal. But you don’t really know what is going on.

He said no don’t worry about that. That won’t happen. I said we don’t know you, you don’t know us we are new you have no reason to think any different than what he says. He said no you two are hard workers your doing good your making me money and keeping my place going. He said with the wedding and other project we have not been around like we need to be. We are going to start being there more. But your work and everything you two do day to day and things are known and greatly appreciated and not forgotten. In other words he is noting who is doing what. He thank me for working fathers day with my grandpa in the hospital. Soon as he sat down today he ask how he was if he was okay everything before we got started. I think he does really care wants to know and will fix problems.

The other girl told them how he talks about him and his girlfriend having sex all the time and stuff. His wife was not happy about that and said a stop needs put to that right away. The other girl ask them too if I was gone come the end of July? And told them how I keep being told i am going to be fired. That once they become more involved there won’t be hours for us I am going to be fired and things. They were shocked said no. I don’t know.

I said I have a question. When booking rooms do we double or tripple book rooms? He ask what I meant. I said so the rooms hold 10 a private experince i was told is 8 or more. But then we are told if the room is already booked not to put anyone else in there. Or we have to talk to both parties and okay it. So if there are 2 people everyone else is told that room is not open at that time. He was livid. He said no we do not do that if it holds 10 sell 10 tickets if you can. It don’t matter if they all know each other.

We told him the other day we had to give away 5 free tickets because one girl messed the bookings all up. Then we had give away 5 t shirts because boss said they got double booked so since they wanted to be alone and had to come back give shirts. He was so mad.

Something was said about discounts he said we have first responders and active military only. Nothing else no retired nothing. He started with all this discount this that. He said this is all we have. I said what about free t shirt for the birthday person when there is a birthday? He said what? Other girl said yeah we give them away all the time. He is really not happy. He said we are going to be there more offten a lot more. Snoop around see what is going on. We can’t say anything right now or he will know we talk to yall.

So I don’t know, what is going to happen or how all this is going to go down. I guess we will see.



{June 28, 2018}   Welcome

To all my new followers. I hit 501 new followers this week. I know it isn’t a lot for as long as I have had my blog but For no more than I have put into it and for what it is. I am happy with it.

Maybe when I have a little more time and things I will make it better and get a lot more followers. But for now I am greatful for the 501 of you I do have.

Everyone take a snoop around see what all is going on and feel free to ask any questions you may have. I am a pretty open book on here.

With not being around the last few days and then dumping a few post back to back just about. I do not remember if I told you all that as of Monday I have lost 7 lbs in just over a week. I maybe down more today but I have not checked. I don’t check often. But I know I checked last week and then Monday at my friends her scale was sitting there so I figured why not?

I am now below 160 lbs. I am very happy. I want to be back at 120/130lbs. I will probably wait until Froday or the weekend to check again. I really haven’t been trying to lose it and had gained some back. But being back at work and back to eating more normal for me has made a huge difference. Because when I am working I eat once a day. And not as much as I do when I am home.

{June 27, 2018}   Fighting with My Mother

Monday night we had a huge fight, to the point the police were almost called. I am not even sure how or what it started over. She started her shit about something. Then started about calling this place and that place to come out here and the place to come get the dogs. Had my kids all upset and scared they were going to take them away from me or they were going to lose their dogs.

She went to her room and just kept on and on and on. Yelling through the house and about money and everything. I finally had enough and told her how it was. I told her I would never help her again, have contact with her or anything else after this. That she needed to get out of here that even the kids did not want her here and ask all the time when she was leaving. Of course it was all lies she says. They just love her.

I also told her to go ahead and call anyone and everyone that she wanted to call I did not care but when she did I would be calling on her as well. Start shit for her. Your fucking stupid she said I don’t have any kids for you to call on me for. I said well I will be calling someone finding out why everything happen with my younger sister that did amd why she did nothing at all about it? How things are now. She swears she didn’t none of it happen she didn’t let it keep going on and right in her own house. Telling me I was lying. I said no I am not everyone knows it. Then she ran back in her room and started yelling at me to shut up like a little kid. And spelling it and crap like she was 5. I said no you had your say and who your going to call and why, now I am telling you when you call and try to start trouble for me that is going to go no where. I will call and start some for you that will go somewhere. Shut up shut up leave me alone, I’m going to call the police on you. I said that is fine call them too I don’t care one bit. I am in my house done nothing wrong.

Then she come stomping out telling me how I was and why my husband left me. I laughed so hard. I said he left me that is why he cried over and over begging me to take him back and not to leave in the first place. How i was fucking my “friend” and my good friend and what I was and how nasty. I said no I wasn’t and haven’t. She saying i went out party all time not stay home when me and him were together not true at all. I said yeah look where its coming from the one picking up women on craigslist and everything else. No it isn’t it came right from your friends. I said yeah I can promise you they aren’t talking to you. Any that have met you one time knows how you are talk about it. That isn’t true she freaked out more. I said whatever go to your whole and knock your shit off.

I said that is why if you weren’t here you would be homeless. Becaause the other two don’t want you or any thing to do with you. They won’t let you come there. The few days you were you showed your ass and had something to say about it there it wasn’t good enough for you everywhere you go. Nothing is ever good enough.

She was at my sisters there was something wrong she couldnt eat cook or do anytjing there. It wasn’t clean enough. Her froemds it wasn’t clean enough there was a problem there. She was at my aunts and my grandma’s a night or two and came home telling me how dirty it was and nasty. How she was. When she was able to go see my brother she talk about how dirty their house was and how they live. I told her no where was ever going to be clean enough for her unless it was her own little bubble that no one ever walked into. Thats not true she about lost her mind.

I don’t know what finally made her shut up go on. Then a few minutes later it was as if nothing ever happened she never said any of it or anything else. Nothing has been said since. She needs mental help. She has problems. She is trying to get social security and every doctor she has been to has noted her mental state even if she was there for something that had nothing to do with that.

I also told her to move where ever she was going to move when she got her money because I was not going with her. I was not moving close to her. When i got ready i was going to move where me and the kids wanted to go. That I will not help her get where we are that I would not be helping her or taking care of her if or when she couldn’t do it herself i was not getting stuck with her and having to do it. She better hope one of these other two will. Oh I was horrible for that I should be ashamed of myself and what I was teaching me kids.

I said nope teaching them not to be treated like you treat people and then turn around and do everything for them .

It went on for a while. Finally she shut up went on. That is the night i talked to my “friend” for 5 hours. He messaged me right after we stopped fighting. I started talking to him I just felt such a calm come over me. It was just so nice to have someone to talk to who cared. Who really cared tried to help or what. I felt better than I have on a long time. Not because of what he said about getting together or anything like that. I felt it long before that.

{June 27, 2018}   The Possibilities

Bff messaged me last night and said one of the carlots by us is going to be looking for help. The guy had just messaged boss and told him he was done with the drama and had to find someone else. Boss told him I really needed a job, was a good worker, drama free and knew what I was doing. He was going to stop by and see boss sometime today and talk to him.

Bff said it is $400 a week cash and a company car. I told her he probably couldn’t give me a car because of the points and things on my licence.

She said don’t even say anything he isn’t going to ask. The other girl didn’t even have one he still gave her a car. I said then he probably will then because I am less trouble than she if something happens. At least I have one. That is better than none at all.

I am not getting my hopes up or counting on it. Like I told her, boss found it and they never work out. She said yeah she knew. But she knew he gave him my name. I said don’t get me wrong I want it and really need it but not counting on it.

It is closer to home, I could do it and the one I have until end of July. Get things caught up or paid ahead. Get my truck sold or fix it sell it or even have him send it to auction for me if I get this job. Hell maybe have him sell it on the lot. If I get it there are possibilities.

I told her I would meet him today but have no way. I couldn’t walk because I would be to hot sweaty and nasty. It is about an hour or hour and half walk. May be not that long but I don’t know. I know it took me 40 minutes to walk to the shop the other day and its a few miles from there. And that is the longer way around to the lot. I would take the other way.

Okay because I am weird about things like that and it would of bothered me all day trying to figure it out. I mapped it. It is 2.9 miles to the lot and it was 1.8 miles to the shop. Says it would take 37 minutes to the shop it took 40. Says it would take 57 minutes to the lot so probably just over an hour.

I am going to pray and leave it at that. This I think is a better deal than the repo job. Less stress for the money and right now a car to drive as well. We will see.

I had no clue where it was when she told me about it. On the way home I was asking her about it she was telling me. I said I thought that was called something else. When did it change ask if she was sure? We went by there and sure enough it was where she said. It is funny it is right across the street from where my “friend” works. It is in town or on a main road it is just in that area there isn’t a lot of stuff going on or what. So for it to be right there was surprising of all places it could be. All that is there are specialty type places. It is hard to explain.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: