Me, Bff and her aunt went out tonight like we do most Wednesday nights. Just sat talked listen to everyone sing. Bff is going away this weekend for a week so it is probably the last I will see of her for a couple weeks.

Mr. To Broken started messaging her they were talking. I do not know if he knew we were together or not but then he started calling me when I was getting dropped back off at my truck.

I answered to see what he wanted, I should of known better. He started telling me how lonely he is, how upset he is that he has no one. Same old same. I been in a mood so I was not so nice I guess you would say. I wasn’t mean or rude but I didn’t just listen and let him ramble like I do a lot of times or tell him some one will come a long.

I told him he needs to work on him, he needs to work through all the hurt and abuse he has been through and give himself time to heal. He needs to learn to learn to be happy in life alone and to do things to make himself happy regardless if he is with someone.

I asked him a simple question, well I thought was simple. He could not answer it at all. I asked him a side from wanting a girlfriend, partner, someone to love or someone in your life to love or get love from what do you want in life? What other things do you want to have? Achieve? Have? Goals? Plans? What do you want for yourself? You and your children? Simply other than that person to share life with what would make you happy? Everytime it was someone to… other half….always first thing was someone. The only thing was someone. No matter how much I stressed the part of nothing to do with someone else being involved he could not do it.

I said look I been where you are and that is part of the reason things did not work between me and RC. I was looking for someone to love, someone to love me, someone to make me happy. When that all blew up in my face I was worse than when me and peter pan split up. I was devastated. But I realised that I had not fixed myself before jumping into things with him. I was ready to move on but not truly ready. I had not dealt with or processed the abuse and everything I had been through. I had not given myself that time to heal. I had not given myself that time to find myself and who I was now, to figure out what I wanted, and needed in life. I had not figured out or gotten to know this new person I had become over the years throughout my marriage. From having kids to being abused to dealing with that and the a divorce and things. It all changes you. You don’t even know it or notice until your forced to take a good look at yourself.

I said I figured out I needed to get a place of my own for me and the kids, I needed to get a good vehicle, a job and to do something to try to better things for me and the kids so I started school. I decided my life was a mess and I needed to straighten it out and fix it and me and be happy before I could bring someone else into the picture.

He still just did not get it! He started telling me how he needed and wanted that other person there to do for and try for and to do his best for and all this. I said but it isn’t about doing for someone else and making someone else happy or getting their approval in order to be happy. You should do for yourself and kids and want to do the best you can for them and you. Make yall happy.

He starts with but you don’t understand and don’t you want someone to do their best for you and take care of things for you whatever it is big or small and know that no matter what its all taken care of?

I said no, because that isn’t what I am looking for. I am not looking for someone to come in and take care of everything for me and spend all their time trying to do everything for me and please me. I said okay yes I guess some girls want that. But I don’t, I guess I am just to use to making it happen and getting stuff done on my own. That to me isn’t what a relationship is. I want someone to get things done together take care of it as a team. Not one person doing it all and trying to get the others approval. He got all aggravated. Said I need to losen up and relax give someone a chance. He was just trying to show me what a man should do. Like I said in my last post its nice to have a man who can handle things and who will if they need to but at the sametime just wants to do it together. That can look many different ways depending on the couple and the situation or time they are in, at that point in their relationship.

He finaly said don’t you want to be friends with someone get to know them and build a relationship from there and see how it goes? Have it turn into more? I said yeah i guess. He said thats what I am trying to do and you keep on. I said but you have to be interested in eachother first and want the samethings and at least be close to wanting the samethings or being on the same page and we aren’t. If you would just tell me what you want what I need to do or not do so I can just do it. I have done and trying to do everything I can to be perfect for you! He says.

I said there is no being perfect for me, we just aren’t looking for the samethings. He started to say something he said I just don’t get you. You say you want a decent guy and I am right here and you say no. Its late I got to go to bed we will talk about it some more tomorrow. I laughed and said okay good night.

I do not know how to make him see this is never going to work. That even though I am looking for a decent guy and he thinks he is that there is more to it than that. Besides again I have told him I have feelings for someone else and that I am trying to figure out how to handle that and the right time.

I just want to message him be like look, being desperate, having no confidence, doing everything to get people to like you, bragging about what you have or have had and complaining about your kids everytime you have them are all very unattractive. Having no goals, dreams or reason to have a life if you do not have someone to be with isn’t either. There just is no nice way to put it. But I am really, really, really over hearing about how lonely he is, how he wants to find someone to love and to love him and to do and take care of everything for them. And how he is so angry and upset I don’t want anything to do with him and him trying to change that of push me into it.

You would think he would be trying to get out of his parents house and get a place for him and the kids. All he does is complain about it there. That he be trying to find a different stable full time job. He be trying to get things set up and have a life like he complains he don’t have.


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