Sunday night after work I went over to my “friend’s” house and had a drink. I just needed to get away and relaxe no one knowing where I was, wanting something or bothering me.
I got there we sat at the table and talked he asked if I wanted a drink. I said no at first but it is all he had. So I said I would take one. I was thirsty and wanted something cold. Even though I only drank half of it, it was good and hit the spot. We talked about work, the kids, life our trucks. Just whatever.
Later laying there on the bed holding eachother just talking more was nice and felt good. We would stop talking and just be laying there I just watch him or be looking at him. All I could think was how long have we been doing this? And why? Why are we still doing this? A few times he just look at me we be staring into each others eyes. He would ask me what or what was wrong or what I was thinking. I started to ask him what we were doing? Or say something about how long we’ve been doing this or about how things have changed. But I didn’t, I just said nothing.
I was thinking maybe we should just say why not and see what happens from here. Give it a try at being more than just friends. How we had talked about it a few times over the years. At first he wanted nothing more. Then not long into it he was talking about wanting more. Then we had that disagreement. After that I was not interested in him in more than friends at all. But over the last few years when we are together if I just giving him a ride or babysitting or whatever how I just want to be close to him like in the beginning. That maybe I have some feelings for him again or still. I was going through a lot back then i think i was hurt more than anything and not by what he said but just things that were going on he had nothing to do with.
But also while laying there I kept thinking about someone else and how I felt about them. Why was I here with this one when I have feelings for someone else? If there was a shot in hell at being with the other one. How could I have feelings for both? How did I get into this situation? Why either of them? Why not one and some of the others I have been talking to or have talked to?
I think with this one I always liked him or had feelings for him but then I ended up with RC and things. Since he has said things a few times but nothing much. It was more in conversations over text. Nothing face to face other than the first time. I just kind of decided against it since he can’t move, he wants a baby and probably to get married again. It just I guess we been doing what we are for so long and neither one of us have found anyone to be with in 7 years almost its like maybe there is a reason. Maybe what we are looking for is right infront of us. We are missing it or both just ignoring it because we are to scared. We both have to feel something for the other to of been doing this all this time.
I wanted to say the other night how long we have been doing this and why are we? What are we scared of? Or why aren’t we more? But I didn’t. Something stopped me.
Then I think of the other it’s like I am torn between the two. When I think about it I really think I be happier with the other one. Not that they are that different but the other has more flexibility than they other. Because it is just him. I think my feelings for him are a little stronger. I think I am more intrigued the way we have taken things and done things. But when I think about the two, I truely feel in my heart I could be happy with either one. But how to decide who and how to put it out there to see what the other thinks or feels? What if I pick the wrong one and down the road it don’t work out? But I always feel the what if it don’t work out with anyone i am interested in or dating. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop and it to end. Because it always seems to good to be true that I could find someone and really be happy.
What about the age difference between me and them? My friend is only a few years older than me. While the other is 7 years older than me. It don’t bother me, but should I consider other factors seeing there is such an age difference? Am I just looking for a reason to not go any further with either one? I consider my friend and think about his little girl. I love her to death my kids love her. What if we do this and get past the point of the kids knowing and things and something happens? I don’t want to put the kids through all that. They both know my kids my kids know both of them. But my kids know nothing more than we are friends. Really that is all me and the one has been so far. My friend has met my kids and things but not really gotten to know them. The other has gotten to know them and form some realtionship with them. They like him for the most part. My friend they got close to his daughter when I watched her and like her. They loved playing together. Me and him have gotten compliments on what a nice family we have when I have taken him places and we have his daughter and some or all my kids. It is a little awkward because we aren’t together but how do you explain this to strangers in the store? He just says thank you or I do and laugh when they are gone. Even the kids never said anything about that isn’t my dad or that isn’t my mom. They use to all the time when me and RC got together. Someone would say something. Mine would say that isn’t my dad his wpuld say that isn’t my mom. Not being rude or mean but in their little minds sorting out everything they had a mom or dad and they didn’t want someone coming and taking that place. And we explained we were not trting to do that we just wanted to be there for them as a friend or whatever and that we loved them and cared about them but we knew they had a mom or dad and that would not change.
I just don’t know what to do, I have wanted to find someone for a while and tired of being lonely and now have two and scared to say or do anything to try to move forward. I have to decide and take that leap but how?