Yesterday while responding to a comment the fact that I am scared came up again. Over all when thinking about getting with someone and seeing where it goes I always think what if it don’t work out. And over all not really thinking abour it, it comes down to what if it don’t work out? I don’t dwell on it just a passing thought.

Tonight while reading and responding, it hit me. The thing I am scared of is myself. I am scared that I am going to mess it up. I have said this before and posted about it. But I had not really thought about it again until tonight.

It bothers me I am so worried that I am going to mess things up. I have never been that way. Never thought twice about a relationship or messing one up. I always worry that whoever I am with will decide they want better and move on or they don’t want to deal with or can’t handle all that I have going on. Or just leave for whatever reason.

It is odd to me that while I have had the thought of what if I am rejected if I decided to talk to one of these two? It really is not what is holding me back. What truely is holding me back is I am scared of myself. I am scared that they will say yes and that I am going to screw things up.

Maybe because things are different with them than guys in the past. Like father of the year, I never though it end up us together married and all that. RC I did love was in love with but always felt something was wrong. Just couldn’t figure it out. But still never worried I would mess it up. I did worry things would not work out with me and him but wasn’t sure why other than that gut feeling.

With father of the year I was never in love or loved him in a way that I do the two now. I cared about him but more as a friend. I let him and others talk me into getting married. It was okay because I cared and thought he did and was happy. I wouldn’t of ever asked for a divorce if he had not became so abusive.

With RC I loved him and his boys. He was what I was looking for in a partner. But I had no idea about his problem and we let things go to fast. We were both coming out of bad relationships and were just so happy to of found someone who loved us and was the kind of partner we wanted. When things happeded like they did it is why I took it so hard. I really do think if he had not gotten in contact with his ex we would of been okay.

I think with these two now things are different because we have not rushed into things, we know a lot about eachother. We all know what we are getting into 100% and still want it. We have taken the time to really know eachother and let that relationship and bond form. One for almost a year now and the other years now. Both look different and have formed and came about differently but they are there.

Wow the thought I just had while writing that last sentence. It is true I know them both pretty good and what I am getting into with either one. How things are between us and what they are looking for what I am looking for. I have feelings for both and know how I handle things in a relationship but I do not know how they handle things they don’t me. I know I don’t just give up if it gets hard and don’t think they do either. So in my head i feel if we are willing to work through what come our way then the only thing that could screw things up is if i were to do something. So then everything hangs on me not doing something to mess it up. That is a crazy thought to have that I am going to mess it all up.

I am going to have to work on that and figure out how to deal with that and get past it.


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