{July 31, 2018}   Just Two Unloved People

Am I attracted to Sleeping Beauty because he feels safe? Because we are just two broken people who understand eachother two people who no one cares about or loves? Since we are both in the same boat then we can make things better for eachother? Since no one loves us we can just love eachother and everything will be okay. Am i scared that if I get with someone else then they will see how broken I really am and run away? Because I am not perfect for them? Or because so many don’t understand mental health and there is such a stigma around it? Because I know I am good enough but I also know I am not perfect and that I have struggles. I can do it on my own but I don’t want to and it be a lot easier on my mentally to have that help. Are they going to look down on me for that? Are they going to not see that it isn’t just me not wanting to do it or not doing it but that I am functioning as best as I can and sometimes I need that extra help. Or are they going to look at me as the bed mother, horrible person and unlovable or not worth putting time into leave like the rest. Are they going to think that they can do as they want and treat me any ol way and I won’t say anything because I won’t want them to leave? Like father of the year did?

I just want to be happy and loved I just want someone to take the time to really get to know me, ask questions and understand. Don’t look at me different or hold something against me when I tell you. I ask questions and listen to understand not to relpy. I do not look at people different or hold things against them when they tell me. I want to know to truely understand them and to know them, where they are coming from, why they do the things they do and are the way they are. But I find not many people are that way. If they do ask they are asking for other reasons and then hold it against you or feel your saying it to be mean or vindictive.

If seems that if they aren’t then they are scared and dance around things or avoid them or pick you apart and hold things against you even when they know it is not true just so in their mind they have a reason to keep you at arms length. They know they know it isn’t what it seems but they still use it. I don’t know im rambling now I know.

I just thought of it last night and this morning the way I been feeling. Of course I been thinking about it since. A fleeting thought I get stuck on. Again its like why him if that is the case and not anyone else. Why him why can’t i just feel that way about whatever random person that comes along that talks to me or tries? But again I think because we have gotten to know eachother outside of anything more than friends. Bff brought him up the other day and was talking about him. I said something about he been okay but not great and us talking. She said I think from everyone around and everyone who knows him and has known him you know him better than anyone. She said I think he opens up to you more than anyone you really are that one person that even though he fucked up is stilk there and not caused him problems, not started shit with him, not pulling him into stiff that he shouldn’t be in and tries to help him stay right and cares. She said I think he does care but he is scared and still dealing with a lot. Like I told her he is dealing with a lot amd he is scared and he has gotten away from a lot of problems and the people who causes them or helps him get into them. But a few keep popping in and he don’t need that. He needs to deal with his stuff like he has been and keep moving foward. Regardless of what is or isn’t between us we are friends and I would rather stay friends than have more and have something happen til we don’t talk at all. But I would consider more with him.

{July 31, 2018}   contemplate Death

Do you ever¬†contemplate about your own death? Ways, what it be like, how long it would take? Thats the mood I am in right now. I don’t want to and couldn’t but I am over it all. But I don’t know anyway that would be quick and over with feel nothing, that nothing would go wrong it be quick painless and I would know nothing. But there is no way to have that for sure so…

{July 31, 2018}   Is Bff Right

Is Bff right? Should I just go with my friend and see what happens? Am I over thinking all this and asking/looking for to much? Before I never put much thought into the people I dated. If they asked and I was interested then fine. I never expected anything much out of it. Was always a see where it goes or whatever happens, happens no big deal kind of thing.

But since my divorce and me and RC split up it has been different. Mostly. I have been this way because of my kids. In order to protect them, keep them from getting hurt. I don’t want to just bring anyone and everyone around and them get use to them and then they are gone. If I didn’t have them then I probably be a little more carefree. But I have 4 other people that my every move effects. I know how no one really ever thinking about me and how i felt or how things would effect me made me and made me feel. I don’t want to do that to my kids. I want them to have as much of a normal stable home as they can. Without guys in and out.

I feel like I am starting to resent my kids because I can’t do anything ever. I have to think about and prepare for them any thing i want to do no matter how big or small it is. I never have a break, not a weekend, day or nothing. I never get to do anything i want to do without thinking about the kids and i should be there with them or i have to be home before x time or i cant do this or that because i have to go home to them. I can’t have a friend over because they are here. I share my bed with my t year old. Cant even get that to myself. I hate I feel this way. I mean i love my kids but i am ready to crawl out of my own skin because im just done with it all. i am done 24/7/365. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to live anymore if this is what it is going to be all the time from now on. I know we have kids its about them now but this, this is not how it is supposed to be. I hate myself for feeling this way and even saying it. But I can’t help it. Its a lot and to much for one person to do with no kind of support or help from friends or family and to not ever feel as if you mean anything to anyone. That you have ruined everything for everyone.

{July 31, 2018}   Flooding Back

Laying here I everything keeps flooding over me like waves crashing on the beach. All the things I have done for others and how they treated me in the end. All the bad shit that has happened and all the abuse. Just pounding against me beating me down.

I hear my ex telling me I can’t be loved, the other one telling me why it’s okay for him to abuse me, the ones who tell me its all my fault, how if I was a better person I wouldn’t be alone, how everyone hates me, thinks im a horrible person and talks about me. I feel like I am never going to be happy again. Keep hearing in my head i am asking for to much. I don’t feel I am I just want simple things and a decent person to be with. I feel like I am being smothered, my heart hurts and feels like its being squesed like a stress ball. I feel a lump in my throat and sick in the pit of my stomach.

I just want to get up and leave, get dressed get in my truck and drive away. At the sametime it seems like it would take so much effort to do it that it wouldn’t be worth it. I feel so¬†overwhelmed and beat down.

{July 30, 2018}   An Emotional Night

I don’t know what is wrong with me tonight. Its almost 11:30 pm and I have been fighting not to cry for an hour or more. I really don’t know why. I have been laying here on my bed in the dark for hours now .

I feel so down doom and gloom just came over me all of a sudden. My friend wanted me to come over tonight I didn’t even go over there. I just didn’t feel like it. But at the same time I feel so alone and like No one cares. I feel stupid for caring about anyone and thinking that they would care back. I feel I just feel like shit and don’t even care about life anymore. I can’t get things straightened out or done that I need to. I should be able to some with no problem but i just have no modivation to so I don’t. I am burnt out with work and have to force myself to go.

I don’t even know what to say im just so over and tired of everything. I want to call a few people and message a few and go see a few and just have my say or say what i want them to know. I am just in a very fuck everything kind of moods. Not in a good way. I feel like i am there for everyone but when i need them they are not around or dont care. I know its me probably and that they are dealing with their own shit. But it still hard not to take it personal. I just don’t know. I want to talk to someone but have no idea what i want to say. I want to be held and feel like im not doing this all alone but no matter what i am and probably always will be. I just want to run away from it all. Everything i just want to run as far away from it all as i can not look back not think twice .I wish i could walk around and just not feel anything or care about anything. Just live my life not know anything or remember anything. Now im laying here crying my eyes out and cant stop.

{July 30, 2018}   Weight Loss Update

I have not checked my weight in a few weeks maybe more. Since I posted and saod I had gain some back. I can’t check weekly to offten because I will get aggregated if I am not losing or see that O gained that pound or two. I use to check everyday or two before and one day would show no difference then the next I had lost 2lbs. Right now I haven’t been trying to lose I just have so it is a nice serprise when I step on the scale and see how much I have lost.

Even with all I have lost and going from my size 14 to 8 I hadn’t really seen it. I still have this belly that I wish would go away and my legs still look big in my thighs. I am not worried about how they look or my body. I am 100% fine with my body and how it looks, it is just that these areas are the areas for me that I notice and see the weight loss in more than anywhere for some reason. Everyone keeps saying my face looks smaller and they can see it over all that I have lost. For me I just don’t, I guess it is just because I see myself everyday maybe?

But anyway I went in the bathroom the other day and got underessed to take a shower. I got undressed and used the bathroom. I looked down and was like wow. My legs look so much smaller through my thighs and things. My belly a little but I still do not really see it there, like I do in my legs now. Now I feel better and like I have accomplished something. That I am getting somewhere.

I think I am back to maintaining not losing or gaining. I can live with that for a bit. Because I am down to the last 30lbs. I seem to lose a good amount all at once after I come out of a maintaining stage. So I will probably lose it pretty quickly once I start again. I am sure if I wanted to I can work at it and drop it but I really do not feel like it.

{July 29, 2018}   The First of When

So I talked to Deadbeats boss yesterday and he said he start giving me $600 the first of every month. He said he could start it as soon as I got him the letter and something about the first of the month.

But sitting here thinking about it now I am not sure if I will get it the first of August or the first of September. With the first being in just a few days. He kind of have to give him the money and take it from his check every month. So he would be paying it then collecting it from him weekly to get paid back. Or if he is going to collect it this month and pay me the first of next. Then it be coming out of deadbeats pocket. I want to ask but feel funny asking. But it would be nice to know when to expect it.

I think I will wait until Tuesday or Wednesday if I have not heard from boss or deadbeat then I will message boss. Just hey wanted to touch base and see if you were able to talk to him how did things go? Wanted to see what to expect or where things are going to go from here. See what he says.

I am going to also ask him about setting up a direct deposit so we do not have to go around in circles trying to meet up and things. This wayway the first it will be there I can pay rent or other bills and things.

{July 29, 2018}   Picking Them Apart

I have not talk to my “friend” or Sleeping Beauty in days, and I am okay with that, for the most part.

As you know I have really been thinking about the nitty gritty, tiny details between the two and how to handle it or what I want to do.

I really like my “friend” and I do have feelings for him and think he is a great guy. But I don’t know that he is the one. I have been picking him apart with a fine tooth comb because I thought I was going to go over and talk to him about all this the other night. Figure we will probably get together this week or tonight and talk. I want to be ready. Just to make sure we cover things that should really be covered. I have a reason not just that I am interested in someone else is why I am not interested in him if it comes down to it.

There are just things that we are not on the same page on. They are things that can’t really be overlooked or compromised on. I mean they could but then one of us are not going to be happy and it not going to work well. He is Pagan I’m not, when it comes to sex we are not looking for the samething in the long term, he says he don’t want a baby but he is to oh its okay it won’t happen free with taking chances. I really do not know how him and the kids are going to mesh. He is great with his daughter and things but his personality I don’t know that they would mesh well or really fall into really having a relationship. Even if we ended up living together I think it always be kind of his and mine and no real closeness even if they got a long great. I could be wrong about that he could be great with them but things he has said and things I just don’t know. He can’t move and we really do want to and have been working towards that again and getting things together. It would be a struggle here still even together to make it.

My friend said but he is a good guy and decent, you known him a long time, he likes you keeps coming back. But like I told her I could be happy with him to a point but it wouldn’t last. I would feel as if I settled just to have someone. She said something about Sleeping Beauty and if it didn’t workout or what. I told her even if I do not end up with either one of them the bigger picture is that I feel I would be compromising so much that I would not be happy in the end and it wouldn’t work. Even if I didn’t and he did then he isn’t going to be happy in the end either. I’m not looking to just see where it will go or whatever happens, happens. I looking for someone that is looking at where we are going to be years down the road and build and plan for that. I don’t see myself building with this one. He just happy the way things are. Its hard to explain.

Like with Mr. To Broken, even though he is starting over and he was looking for someone to build and have something with I wasn’t interested because of his other issues and he just wasn’t my type even if he didn’t have issues. He isn’t into kids and just different things.

With Sleeping Beauty it is different, I can see us both needing things and that we can help eachother to get where we need to be and then what we want. We are simular religion wise. I say that because I am not sure what he “is” for say. I know he is Christian we were talking about going to church amd god before. He maybe Catholic, I am not sure really but just what keeps coming to mind. Maybe he did say at one time I just don’t remember. Either way I think we are close enough it be okay not a huge big deal. Him and the kids hit it off, like eachother and doing things together. They mesh good over all and he can set those boundaries that need to be set and still maintain the relationship. He can and would move if things were right. We both deal with a lot of the samethings. So we understand where eachother are coming from. I see us building a long term relationship vs. Feeling like I am settling and going to be unhappy and it not working out. We want a lot of the samethings.

Regardless of who I meet and end up with I don’t want to feel like I am settling. I know there is going to be compromise in a relationship that isn’t what I mean or talking about. I do not mind that but there are somethings you just can’t do that or it isn’t going to likely turn out well if you do. I think that is part of why if it comes down to my friend vs Sleeping Beauty. Me and Sleeping Beauty are both at a looking for change/fresh start open to anything kind of point in life. Where my “friend” is settled happy with where his life is and just looking for someone to add to it or bring into it. Amd I want more and see what is out there. He has done that and gotten himself to where he is good. Even Mr. To Broken is more settled than I want to be. He can’t move can’t do anything he happy just being here going to work and doing it over every day as long as he has someone there. Im not ready to settle into someone elses ruiten or life and fit in. I want to find that together with someone and build from there.

With RC I was happy and wanted to be with him and loved him. But when it came down to it I lost me trying to be there for him and the kids and doing the things how he wanted. I just kind of moved into his life and found my new routine around him. I don’t want that.

{July 29, 2018}   5 Year Old Blabber Mouth

You can not say or do anything infront of them you do not want told or repeated. Mine was with me when we seen father of the year.

He tried talking to her I told him to leave her alone not talk to her and lie to her. He was telling her hi and he loved her. Then when he wanted to run away and talking about I will call you tomorrow. I said look I will have you put in jail. Then said I was calling his boss.

We get home the girls went in side. I was still on the phone with the boss sat in the truck. Later oldest said blabber mouth 5 ran in and said mommy said your dad is going to jail and she is talking to his boss now on the phone. Oldest said she noticed she said your dad not daddy or father of the year. I was surprised.

So of course now bitch of the year knows what is going on. I told her it was none of her business. She blah blah this that. I said i got to go walked out and left.

{July 28, 2018}   Mr.To Broken is Really Broken

Bff told me the other day that she had talk to Mr. To Broken and that he is bad. She said he was of course telling her about these two different girls he is in love with. He is so stressed about what one to go with or what. She said that I am sure has changed it always does.

But he told her his parents stepped in took the kids away. He only has them 25% of the time he is supposed to have them and that is it. Because they said he needs to get some kind of help and that he has problems. The kids did not need to be around it.

I said I been saying it all for 6/7 months now and no one listen to me. He has some problems that are not just talk joke move on or what problems. We all get mad vent or what. But his are much worse than that and need more than that. He has been seeing someone but it is not working. He needs more. Really i feel he needs to be in an in somewhere for a bit where he can’t do anything but work with someone on all that is going on. If he don’t get over this obbssion of having to have someone in order to live and be happy it isn’t going to get any better.

I hope he gets the help he needs and can really be happy in life and be a good dad to his kids. I talk to him by messenger the other night told him i wanted to start making him payments on the money. He said whatever. He had the kids was busy. I saod okay. Let me know when you can meet. Haven’t heard from him since.


et cetera
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