{July 10, 2018}   We Need a Face to Face Talk

While talking to my cousin about all this and trying to start researching this and planing it I thought of something else. Without even thinking I asked her what kind of jobs there were for guys and if they had a lot open or easy for them. She said yes. She asked if it was a boyfriend?

I told her no a friend for now. But we have been talking for almost a year. That it is kind of being danced around.

I know how I feel and know how he acts and comments he makes. I think he feels the same but scared or nervous still. Just like last week he was telling me come over what we could do. Tonight I said I was sick wanted to go home curl up snuggle up go to sleep. He said that would be nice if he could be there or something like that.

I need to get with him face to face where we have time to sit and talk uninterrupted. I am going to lay it all out there on the line spell it out.

I am going to tell him I am in love with him. Not for anything he has, not for anything he can do for me, not for anything he has done or can do.

But with him the person, what I know, what I have seen, what I see in him, what I can see us having and doing and building together.

I am also going to tell him that I think we both need a new start. A new start away from here, away from the drama, the drugs, the toxic “friends” and “family”. I am going to tell him my plan and everything. Then I am going to tell him think about it and let me know where he stands. If we are something he wants to give a shot and if moving is something he is willi n g to do since we can’t make it here?

If he does I am going to tell him start saving and getting prepared. I am not telling anyone we are together or that he is going when we go. I am not even telling the kids until we are loaded say our final good byes and hit the road. I will stop tell them and tell them we are going to pick him up and go get him.

I am telling my family very little about anything including where I am going fowarding address or anything. I do not want to be followed and I do not want to be bothered with my mother. Like I told her once she is no longer living with me i no longer have a reason to have contact with her. I won’t. I won’t change my number but I will the kids and not answer or block her.

But I also don’t need anyone else trying to start drama for either of us or just being in everything being nosie. Once we are gone let them talk.

I am going to get a hold of Sleeping Beauty tomorrow and tell him I need to talk to him in person. This week or early next. Soon as I have a ride. I can pick him up after work one night we can go somewhere and talk. Then I can take him home. No one has to run down here to get him. I just say I was called in to work. So no one is questioning anything.

I just want to send him a text right now and tell him how I feel. But I think it is better to tell him in person. I am just in this mood tonight. Work sucked I was called in to a mess on my day off. Then deal with rude customer after rude customer. Then come home and deal with her. It is like okay I am done living this way, I am done not living my life because I am living this way, i am tired of being scared to tell people how I feel unless I am pissed off at them or mad. Just in this lets just get it done moods. Pack and go, toss everything and go, lets go see father of the year with these papers. Lets just do, do. Fuck everyone I hope it last for awhile.

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