I have been thinking about what I want in life, where I want to go, what I want to have, who I want to be with, how I want that relationship to look and work, what I want from it, what I am willing to give.

The thought of so many guys wanting to get married and have kids this late in life. It just still blows my mind. Marriage and having kids are no go for me. They have been deal breakers and no budging on them.

Now thinking about this I can 100% see where RC was coming from with somethings. Back to that later but it just hit like bricks.

I was thinking a lot about what and how much am I willing to put into a relationship. How do I make someone see why I feel that way? Make them see it is not anything to do with them but me and things I been thorough.

Like with these two and others wanting to get married and have a baby. Well one says no now but actions speak louder than words. But I have been thinking about this because it seems to be what guys want. Thinking about the baby and the one. I know how much kids mean to him and he didn’t get to be there for his when they were little. I know how much that bothers him. But I can not give him a baby. And the reasons are along the same lines as to why he wants more. I don’t because of the way my kids have been done by their fathers. Not saying he would do that but I don’t want to put another child through a break up amd broken home. I am not “looking” for a “daddy” for my kids never have been never will be. But one thing regardless is that whomever I end up with is going to have to like my kids and be a part of the family. My kids are to little for me to be the go between for the next 13 years. I want someone it isn’t forced or awkward. That is one thing I liked about Sleeping Beauty he got along with the kids and wanted to do things and talk with them be there for them. You could tell he cared about them. They took to him and liked having him around. I can’t give him a baby but I can give him 4 great kids who care about him and like having him around. That need a strong male roll model in their lives. I can promise him that I am not going to just up and decide that this is not what I want or that he did something to piss me off or find someone else and leave. That if we have a problem I am going to come to him and work it out. They just have to be willing to talk and work it out not run or avoid it. I don’t want to fight I just want to sit down and work it out. I have fought to much in my life I just want to be happy and work things out. So if being a part of a family who is going to truely care about him and wants to have him I can offer that. But I can’t give him a baby.

Now the marriage part I never wanted to do it the first time muchless do I want to do it a second time. But when thinking about all this yesterday it kind of hit me that either one of them could step in and really be there for my kids and be close to my kids. And if it really worked out and things do not improve with their dad they would have them to fill that and that would be fine as long as it came about on its own between them and not forced or pushed. It wouldn’t be, just like when I was with RC. The kids were given their space to decide how and what kind of relationships they had with us. Some warmed up faster than others. But if it came down to it and we really became a tight knitt close family and they took him in as dad and he took them in as his I would consider marrying again. And really making us a family. If their dads didn’t come back into the picture even letting them adopt them. But that would be the only way I would consider getting married again.

Now I can see what RC was talking about getting married and adopting his boys. But we not been together near long enough to consider that at that point. I had to much other stuff to worry about and take care of before we could of gotten to that point. But i see wanting to do that if things are good everyone is close and the other parent isn’t in the picture.  If the kids wanted it.

I am sure it probably would never come to that. But just thinking about things in a different state of mind really lets you see things that maybe you didn’t before or understand them better. Thinking about it does seem that he did really care and wanted more but that his problem did get in the way and her coming in the picture when she did wasn’t a good idea. But everything happens for a reason and maybe like this and other things I will figure it out and where I am supposed to be now.

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