{July 31, 2018}   Flooding Back

Laying here I everything keeps flooding over me like waves crashing on the beach. All the things I have done for others and how they treated me in the end. All the bad shit that has happened and all the abuse. Just pounding against me beating me down.

I hear my ex telling me I can’t be loved, the other one telling me why it’s okay for him to abuse me, the ones who tell me its all my fault, how if I was a better person I wouldn’t be alone, how everyone hates me, thinks im a horrible person and talks about me. I feel like I am never going to be happy again. Keep hearing in my head i am asking for to much. I don’t feel I am I just want simple things and a decent person to be with. I feel like I am being smothered, my heart hurts and feels like its being squesed like a stress ball. I feel a lump in my throat and sick in the pit of my stomach.

I just want to get up and leave, get dressed get in my truck and drive away. At the sametime it seems like it would take so much effort to do it that it wouldn’t be worth it. I feel so overwhelmed and beat down.

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