Is Bff right? Should I just go with my friend and see what happens? Am I over thinking all this and asking/looking for to much? Before I never put much thought into the people I dated. If they asked and I was interested then fine. I never expected anything much out of it. Was always a see where it goes or whatever happens, happens no big deal kind of thing.
But since my divorce and me and RC split up it has been different. Mostly. I have been this way because of my kids. In order to protect them, keep them from getting hurt. I don’t want to just bring anyone and everyone around and them get use to them and then they are gone. If I didn’t have them then I probably be a little more carefree. But I have 4 other people that my every move effects. I know how no one really ever thinking about me and how i felt or how things would effect me made me and made me feel. I don’t want to do that to my kids. I want them to have as much of a normal stable home as they can. Without guys in and out.
I feel like I am starting to resent my kids because I can’t do anything ever. I have to think about and prepare for them any thing i want to do no matter how big or small it is. I never have a break, not a weekend, day or nothing. I never get to do anything i want to do without thinking about the kids and i should be there with them or i have to be home before x time or i cant do this or that because i have to go home to them. I can’t have a friend over because they are here. I share my bed with my t year old. Cant even get that to myself. I hate I feel this way. I mean i love my kids but i am ready to crawl out of my own skin because im just done with it all. i am done 24/7/365. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to live anymore if this is what it is going to be all the time from now on. I know we have kids its about them now but this, this is not how it is supposed to be. I hate myself for feeling this way and even saying it. But I can’t help it. Its a lot and to much for one person to do with no kind of support or help from friends or family and to not ever feel as if you mean anything to anyone. That you have ruined everything for everyone.