Random Questions 1

If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

I would go back to school and spend more time with the kids.

What’s your favorite piece of clothing you own / owned?

Hum I love my jeans, all I ever wear.

What hobby would you get into if time and money weren’t an issue?

Flipping houses

What would your perfect room look like?

I have nice big bedroom with a king size bed, big walk in closets were you had room to get dressed. Big master bathroom with a tub big enough to soak in.

How often do you play sports?

Never

What fictional place would you most like to go?

Starkshallow or Mayberry can I live there please?

What job would you be terrible at?

I am sure there are lots. I like to work but I have to be into it or i don’t do good.

When was the last time you climbed a tree?

As a kid probably

If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good
chance at winning medal for?

Not sleeping at night like other normal people.

What is the most annoying habit that other people have?

Other than breathing for some. Chewing with their mouth open.

What job do you think you’d be really good at?

Social work

What skill would you like to master?

Reading minds lol

What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?

Cross country road trip.

If you had unlimited funds to build a house that you would live in for the rest of your
life, what would the finished house be like?

Not a lot of rooms but lots of room. First floor would be kitchen, livingroom, dining room all open into eachother. There would also be a bathroom and guest bedroom along with a library. A big wrap around porch.

The 2nd floor would have 4 to 6 good size bedrooms with a bathroom inbetween each two so they would share. I would have a laoundry room on 2nd floor with two to three washer and dries. There would be a loft area on either side of the hall way. One for older kids their things one for younger kids. And a wrap around porch.

All of the 3rd floor would be all my room and bathroom. With of course a porch

What’s your favorite drink?

Sweet tea

What state or country do you never want to go back to?

What songs have you completely memorized?

To many but i bet they aren’t 100% right.

What game or movie universe would you most like to live in?

Not sure

What do you consider to be your best find?

My house

Are you usually early or late?

Early

What pets did you have while you were growing up?

Birds,fish, dogs, hamster, ferrets,cat

A Little Bit of Everything

Right now I am sitting at work waiting on 2pm to get here so I can run around and pay bills. I haven’t heard from Father of the Years boss yet but figure I will this evening or tomorrow. I thought about just showing up there about 8 am this morning when I knew they were all meeting to go out and work. But I didn’t, I am trying not to pester the boss, be a bitch or seem like I am just trying to stir the pot or start trouble. Plus they haven’t gotten checks yet today if he was going to take out for this week he may not of yet. I figure I will just wait to see if he contacts me this after noon. If I do not hear from him by this evening or in the morning I will contact him before I come to work because I have a lot to pay out this weekend.

The good thing is I think I can get all my bills paid down to a $0 balance. I just do not know how it is going to work with my hours being cut at work now. Again everytime I get things lined up that we might get ahead something happens to I am just treading water to stay floating again.

I have to go pay on my guns, go to the school board about the older two kids schooling and see if I can get someone to look at the truck check the transmission fluid. I hope to meet up with Starfish get him to do it. If not Bff said to stop by the shop and ask this one guy there to check it for me. I was supposed to yesterday but didn’t. I didn’t really go anywhere and I really don’t want to go up to the shop and deal with them. The one guy she said to ask is okay but I don’t want to deal with the owner and the rest of it. He is just getting in more and more over his head. The repo guy he was working with isn’t happy with him they aren’t talking anymore. Him and Bff were talking the other day about things he was saying how he isn’t doing things right and he is going to get in trouble. He asked her if he has a drug problem and things as well. Told her she better watch out for her and her kids. I said see you are being told by how many people now that things are not right and watch out for you and the kids and get things set for you and them. Sleeping Beauty has told her since all the shit went down at the shop almost a year ago, the guys there now the one that was staying with them have been talking to her telling her things and that things are not right, now this guy is telling her. She needs to listen. The repo guy telling her he is going to go to jail if he keeps on messing with the people he is and doing the things he is.

Now she has taken this baby in and has him until December at the earliest and like I told her probably a lot longer. She says once he goes, but she always has some excuse and never does anything. I just hope nothing cares over to home from what he is doing and these people he is messing with.  The kids don’t go to the shop anymore. I think that he is the reason I did not get the job at the repo place as well. Then findout from the repo guy the guy at the car lot is into crap and rips people off all the time. Glad I didn’t leave my job here to go there. At least at the office I had nothing to do with dealing with any of the going on there. I just filed and cleaned. The repo guy told Bff that boss keeps saying he needs someone to work in the office up there she said I don’t see why hebhasn’t called you everything was fine with you then out of the blue he didn’t need you. She said the repo guy told her he told him he come help him and he won’t let him. Said he don’t want him to because he see all that is going on that shouldn’t be. I said that is why he don’t want me up there because he don’t want me telling you things.

We were talking about him being hooked on pills and things. She said he came home at 5 had dinner laid on the couch slept through everything got up about 10 or 11 and went got in bed and slept until like 7 the next morning. She was saying that isn’t right and things. I said it sounds like more than pills to me. Samething the other done when he was at my house. Gone come home got in bed slept all day all evening until I woke him up had no clue what time it was nothing. Laid back down went back to sleep soon as he was done doing what needed to be done. I know it wasn’t pills he was doing.

I told her yes he may have needes the pills when he got hurt he may still have some problems and need them. But he is now hooked and can’t do without them and sounds like from what others are saying and the way she says he has been acting he is moved on to other things. I said to her I am sure he didn’t set out to get hooked no one does. But it is way to easy to do and they give them away way to easly when you get hurt.

I could very well be in the same spot he is in right now or worse from when I got messed up in my accident I had before I had my 3rd baby. Everywhere I went they gave me two or three bottels of pills and all said if you need more just come back. I couldn’t take them and work or take care of the kids so I took them maybe once or twice a year. Had I taken them like they said I been hooked too. They hand them out like candy here. Then wonder why we have such a problem.

2 more hours to go I hope the owner gets here soon and writes checks because I need my money so i can pay bills today and buy food. Most the time he is here before now. I don’t see them here like he did them yesterday.

I have two older ladies locked in a room right now they are so funny. I have never had to go in a room so much to help. They keep saying you just stay right here wait a minute lol. By the time I get back up here to my desk they are calling me.

Went To Bed Early

By 7:43pm me and the little ones were climbing into bed. By about 8:10 we all had went to sleep. I slept until about midnight and woke up. But went right back to sleep in a few minutes. It is now a little after 3 and I have been up an hour. The bitch woke me up again. She really has to go really soon. I can’t have her here no more. I just want her gone I don’t care how or what has to happen as long as she gets out. We got in an argument today I got mad i finally told her just forget it she wasn’t worth fighting with over it. She got mad then but oh well I don’t care.

I don’t know why I can’t sleep probably because I am mad at her and because my chest hurts. My heart hurts, I know it is stress and anxiety. I also have starfish on my mind for some reason. I haven’t talk to him since Monday or Tuesday. Hadn’t really thought about it but for whatever reason he been right there since I woke up this time. I noticed it been awhile since I talk to him. Oh well I hope he is okay. I am going to call him tomorrow when I get off. I want him to check my truck out if he has a minute. Think it needs transmission fluid. I hate messing with that in this truck, the way it is set up I have a hard time. I figured I ask him check it out and see.

Guess I should try to get these last 4 hours sleep before I have to start my day.

My Sisters Message

Today I woke up to a text message, it was from my sister. She said she got a message from Buddy’s, the local furniture rental place. She said they were looking for father of the year.

I told her to tell them she didn’t know why he would use her as a reference that she had not seen or talked to him in over a year and a half when he disappeared. I said tell them he don’t even pay child support for his kids good luck getting their money.

Guess money has been a little tight this month it seems. Isn’t that a petty? NOT! I don’t feel the least bit sorry for him. I hope they have their whole house from beds to couches through them and they come snatch it all. Let them struggle and do without try to figure out how to get something. I know them they will keep it as long as they can without paying on it before they give it back and still will not have replaced it at that point.

They are weeks behind and not talking to them or they would not have called her looking for him.

Struggles and Trouble

Responsible all your life do everything your supposed to do, help everyone and do for them too and for what? What do we get in the end? Nothing but struggles and troubled times. Why the one’s who you helped walk through life with everything handed to them without a thought of you again.

What Could Of Been

Tonight I was looking through a friends photos, at all the picture’s of him and his family. How happy he is and his family the love between him and his wife. Then I went and looked at a few others and thought about my “friend” and my good friend and things they have said and the guy’s I have been talking to lately along with the the guys I dated back then.

It got me to thinking about what could of been and where I could be today. Why I dated the guys I did and not others and what my good friend said about standard’s and raising them.

In high school I was interest in my good friend. But we were just friends and not even super close back then. I didn’t figure he be interested in me. I wasn’t anything like him or the girls he “dated”. We were friends with a lot of the same people and things. He never told me until much later when we started talking and became close that he was interested in me even after high school. But I was married he was too. I never really wondered about it until tonight and I was thinking about it all because even if we were both single now or ended up single that we would end up together now.

My one friend who’s pictures started this think fest tonight we were pretty good friends in school. We hung out and things once we were out of school, he lived close he come into my job. I met his mom and dad, they were really nice people his dad alway talk to me and things when he come by work. His mom was really sick so she did not get out as much. I ask how she was and things. They ended up with this other kid that went to school with us live with them. I knew him but not well, we didn’t talk much when we were in school. We got to talking we ended up dating for a very short time. Before long my friend and his dad came in one evening at work I not seen them in a little bit. They asked if I had a few minutes to talk. It was late and slow so I took a break and walked outside with them. They told me about the other guy what was up with him. By this point we weren’t talking anyway.

Then the dad went on to tell me a bunch of stuff he told them about me, things I said and done. I said wait a minute I never done any of that we weren’t even together that long. I never said anything about my friend or his family. I liked them they did me too. The son my friend I could tell was a little uncomfortable with the conversation and topic at hand. But was more okay as we talked some more. The dad said at first they were shocked and taken back, but then the more they watched, seen and heard from this guy they started to think a lot wasn’t true. They decided to come talk to me and wanted me to know what he was saying behind my back. They figured out it was all lies. They could tell I was mad. They put him out told him he needed to go somewhere else he could not be there anymore.

My friend we talked and things and it come around to us being more but it never really went anywhere. I just didn’t my family didn’t like him or his family always talk about them. But knew nothing about them or talked to them just what a friend of theirs who knew them said. I didn’t figure it last long he see my life and forget it, it be done. I was very controlled and things at that time. But had I given him a chance things may have ended up being a lot different for me back then and now. Thinking about it now someone like that is what I needed back then. Now I can say had I given him a chance I think the odds of us still being together would be pretty high. I knew him but not really well I thought he was a lot different than he really is. Why I figured he not want to stick around once he knew me and seen how things were back then. Like his wife now is way different than what i figured he end up with. They have been together for a really long time. I am sure things aren’t perfect no relationship is but they seem to be happy it don’t seem to be a show.

I look at trying to date now and you know what I have found out of 7 or 8 guys I have talk to in the last year really only two would I consider a relationship with. One is a no go because of the things he is looking for. The other I don’t know about. I am interested and have feelings for him but I don’t know what to think about where he is or what he is thinking anymore.

I’m not looking or thinking about better in terms of what they have or what. I am looking at better in terms of over all person and how they are and things better. I guess how they treat me what they are looking for relationship wise how they go about it if that makes since. But I don’t even know where to look. When guys do say something or flirt its wkward. I don’t feel like they really mean it or looking for it to go anywhere. Like my ex use to say I flirt with everyone, i had no clue why he say that because I wasn’t or wasn’t trying to. I was just being nice and talking having a conversation. He say you don’t even try you just do it you don’t even know you are. I had other people tell me the same thing. So then I feel like its just them i am reading to much into it they aren’t really flirting or don’t mean anything by it. It has been so long since I have really talk to anyone or dated I feel stupid don’t know what to say.

Dating sure isn’t like riding a bicycle thats for sure.

My friend says you just waiting on that perfect one to sweep you off your feet and have that fairytale. Really I’m not, I just want someone decent who is interested in a relationship and a future together. I’m not trying to make it work with everyone I talk to or go on one or two dates with. But I also don’t want to be just hooking up with everyone and see if or where it goes. Or to just jump into something with someone right off the bat not knowing that we are looking for the samethings or close or not knowing if they are just looking for here and now not planing or looking toward the future.

Just looking at ex’s pages and friends pages i wonder if only I made other decisions back then would I be happier now?

Living in Reverse

Do you ever feel like you are living your life backwards? I have since me and father of the year split up. I think I have probably said it before back when as well. But I feel like it more now, the more I really sit down and look back over the last 7 years.

When I was in my teens I was the “good” kid. I didn’t get in trouble go out and party sneak out or anything like that. I hung out with a lot of questionable people but never did things with them or hung out much outside of school much. I wasn’t “boy crazy” and sleeping around like a lot of girls were. I had a long term boyfriend that I almosy married the last year or so of high school. I had one on and off and another I dated for a bit.

I was always the one out of my friends who worked even after high school I went right to work and that is what I did work and go home. I dated here and there a few guys before I met Father of the year but not many.

I saved money to move and then my dog got sick and I spent a big chunk on him. I moved out I moved in with friends and worked and bought a car. Staying where I was didn’t work I moved in with another friend that was looking for a roommate. Before long Father of the year moved in with us.

I helped him get a good job I was working or baby sitting making money. I made sure we kept a car and bills were paid. Before long we were married, having kids and buying a house. I was always right there holding things together and making sure things were taken care of. Being responsible and doing what a wife and mom were supposed to do. I was okay with that.

Then me and Father of the Year split up I got him to move out I was still okay and pushing along. But I was feeling lonely, because I had been for so long even when father of the year was there and had put up with so much abuse. I started hanging out with my “friend” and we ended up doing what we are. It helped being lonely and being alone when the kids would be gone on the weekend and things. It wasn’t something I ever would of done before. But I been through so much I was but wasn’t looking for much at the time. I was okay with it we were both adults and knew what we were getting into before we did it. I am still today fine with it and have no regrets.

Then I met RC and unlike I wanted to I let things happen way to fast with him. He was what I was looking for. I guess I felt safe with him even though I didn’t know him, because he was a friend of my good friend and I trusted him. I knew he wouldn’t set me up with someone that wasn’t going to treat us right. It wasn’t all RC I have said that from the start and seeing more of my fault in things.

But from there I feel like I was always so careful not to get in trouble not to get pregnant and things when I was younger. Then there I was 3 kids and one on the way and he had left. I shut down for a while and then withdrew from everything and worked on getting my divorce and things set for me and the kids together.

I feel now I am over it all, I am over being the responsible one, I am over doing it all and having no life. I just want to go out and party, go have drinks, go on dates and just do what I want to do with whoever I want to do it with. I don’t want to have to worry about anything with the kids, being there at night or what. I just want to come and go when I please. I just want to do what I want. I feel like a rebellious teen. The more I think about dating and things I think screw it just go out with whoever. Go out with the yard guy who cares he is legal. Go with the one from work just go with all of them and have fun. Even though that isn’t what I really want at this point its like fuck it I can’t find anyone looking for the same things I am so why not?

Don’t get me wrong, I do not want to neglect my kids or leave my kids. I just want to beable to to do things with them and have money and time for myself. Not feel guilty about going out or taking time for myself. Right now if I go out i feel guilty. I want to be able to walk out of the house go out not worry about needing to be home by this or that time. If I want to stay overnight somewhere I can it isn’t a big deal.

But everyone makes such a big deal out of it if I just walk out the door and meet my bff at the store for a little bit and hang out. Or stop off after work for a bit and sit and talk. If I bring up a guy lord for bit you think I was neglecting my kids and going out with a different one every night and dragging them home too. Because that is how everyone acts and like I’m not supposed to date or want to date and that my life is supposed to revolve around my kids and that’s it. Everyone talks about what a horrible mom I am and everything I dont do and everything else. But they do not look at what all I am doing. They don’t look at the daily fight it is with myself just to get out of bed a lot of times and function as much as I do. That maybe if I did get out more and was able to meet someone and have a little bit of a life I would be happier and do better. Don’t get me wrong I’m not, not doing things because I don’t have someone and feel I need someone. I don’t mean it in that way at all. But you all know how it is when you habe support and that person there. Even if things are “perfect” in life you still just feel better or different when you have someone.

I don’t know maybe I am going through a midlife crisis. Maybe I am just woreout and beat down like I said before. I don’t want to be responsible anymore. I just want to do what I want to do and whatever happens just happens. I know I can’t and I will always do it and be there but it sucks when you do it 24/7/365. I know they are little and they will grow up and I will miss it but you know I don’t even know if I will because it has been such a struggle. I don’t want to just be happy they are older and it is over kind of person but I am afraid that is how it is going to be because i feel so bad not being able to do things with them and always being the one.

I know I probably again sound like the worse mom out there and a horrible person for saying these things. But you know what it is a fact of life when your a single parent and you are trying to do right by your kids and not drag a ton of people in and out of their lives. I’m not just talking about moms, because I know there are a lot of single dads out there doing it all on their own too with no moms around. If they are trying to be decent parents and do right by their kids I am sure they have some of the same thoughts or feelings. But it is so taboo to talk about them. You don’t dare bring them up or say them out loud even if you have them because the odds are your already not doing a good enough job in most peoples eyes and they think less of you because you are a single parent. God for bid you have any kind of thoughts other than wanting your world to revolve around your kids from now on. Now you just became the worse person on the earth and you don’t love or care about your kids. And that isn’t what your saying at all. But that is all they hear. Well lucky for you all I am here to say it put it out there in the universes and say your not alone. It’s a safe place to talk or vent with no judgement.

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