I have been laying here thinking about things since I posted my last post. I went back and read The Cards Of Life, Re:Cards of Life and Why After so Long (I wish I could link to them but don’t know how from my phone.) And thinking about my situation here.
I think the answer to the question, why after so long is……….I am tired, I am beat down, woreout and hardly care anymore. No wait I do care. I just have no more fight left in me to do anything about any of it. Like I said about being independent, I didn’t want to be I was forced to be and I can’t keep doing it anymore. I need that person here with me to fight for me and fight with me. It is a need now and not a want. I need someone who is stronger than I right now to help me fight these battles and get back on track.
The kids have been on my mind a lot lately and all that I am working not getting to be with them. That when I am home I can’t take them to do anything. That when I work nights, weekends and holidays they sit here a lone.
If I was with someone they could help with the kids. They could be here at night or weekends or holidays. If there was two of us here working I could afford to do things when I am off with them. If there was two of us working and here to take care of them maybe I could get a better job with better hours.
If there was someone here I would be a lot less stressed. I wouldn’t be worried about everything and getting everything done myself. They be here to help if something needed fixed, the yard needes mowed, or something needed done. I could keep up with the paperwork side of things and cleaning and stuff.
If someone else was here I wouldn’t feel so hopeless and despair. We would be able to take care of things that needed it.
Just like my mother, both the guys have said let me move in I get her out, I’ll make her leave. I am to woreout and beat down by everything that I am trying to take care of that I can’t deal with her and that fight and all that could come from it when she leaves. But if they were here I would have support and I wouldn’t be so beat down or woreout and wouldn’t be worried about the backlash from her when she has to go. We would just deal and move on.
But I guess I am scared if they came in and seen the disaster everything is and her and how she is to deal with. They find it all to much and leave to get away from it all. I would be left to deal with everything a lone again. Why subject them to that and having to deal with any of it? It isn’t their battles even if they have offered. Why do that and risk her and her bs causing self to run them off? Why not just be unhappy now wait until I get everything settled and then bring them in the picture. Maybe they won’t be scared off then.
Then I think I am again protecting other’s from being hurt or dealing with a shit load of bs they should not have to. Just like I don’t want any of my family to get in trouble that is why I never told them all or anything father of the year done. Me protecting them not him because i could careless what they do to him. But they are all grown men who know what they are doing. The odds are no one would get in trouble and if they did they wouldn’t care or they wouldn’t do it to start with. And they get out of it in the end.
Why do I do that? Why do I live miserable or hide things to protect others than let them help me like they want to? Should I let one of them rent my room and see what happens? Something needs done all around because I am defeated. I am tired, i need help, i need to feel i have someone on my side, i need to feel loved.