{August 8, 2018}   Need Some One To Love You

I was talking to a friend last night. Well not really a friend, not sure what you would call him really. I have never met him he is a friend of Bff, her family has know him a long time. Some how we became friends on line back after me and RC broke up. Once in a while we will message and talk. Last night we got to talking some how.

He isn’t happy with his wife and they are living together in the same house but not together so he says. I don’t know I don’t care, I am not interested in him. We just talk he tries get me to go out or meet him here or there. I just tell him no. Not what I am looking for.

Yesterday I said you have an ol lady. He says his we aren’t together just here for my son and until I find the right one that I love and who loves me. I said no women wants to here I’m just with my wife or living here until I find someone else. Are you crazy? Well all relationships are different I try not to look to much into them. I said yeah not what I am looking for. Why why not blah blah.

I did not date for a long time because I truely was just stuck living like roommates with my ex and fighting him for divorce. Why would anyone want someone in that situation and how would you trust someone in that situation? I could not do it and after thinking about it, it was like why would I want a guy willing to date someone in that situation? Odds are they are not going to be on the up and up either. I just at that point decided to do what I needed to do for me and the kids and to get my divorce done.

But anyway we were talking in general about dating and relationships and things. He said your friend isn’t doing his job or a good job. You need a new one. I said no I need a man not a friend. I am over having a friend. Being a lone.

He said…You just haven’t had a man to love you before he fucks you and makes you feel loved always…..

I looked at it and it made me cry just about thinking about it. Because I don’t know if any of my ex’s really loved me or if they loved the idea of what I could do for them. Like take care of the house and kids and things. I do think that RC did but, I don’t know if any of tje other did and I know the ones I been talking to and getting to know don’t. I think Starfish cares, love I don’t know.

I just messaged him back no one loves me not good enough for that. He said I just need to give someone a chance let someone in. I can’t just give up.

How many am I supposed to let in and give a chance to? To just still be sitting here a lone. I feel like I put in all this time just getting to know them it goes no where. I feel like I am wasting my time.

I am still stuck between getting my shit together then trying again and maybe just finding someone and letting it all sort itself out like my friend said.

What one is better the one that walks in when everything is going great and wants to join in? Or the one that walks in when everything has went to hell and wants to help you clean up the mess and sticks around? I just don’t know.

My friend knows where I am and where I have been and gone through he still wants me knowing where I am now and that I am sinking. He offered even to just rent a room to help me out. I just can’t get past the other things. I still feel like I want to talk to him, but to say what? What is it going to accomplish if I do? Do I really want to be with him? Would I really be happy in the long run with him? I think I could be happy but always feel I settled.

its a hard one and a tough decision. I hope you can come to some sort of resolution. I don’t envy you trying. I think I’d want the one who walks in when your sinking, though and wants to help out. xxx

Kind of how I feel go with the one who comes along when everythings a mess and wants to help. Because the one who comes along when everythings good is going to run if you start sinking. I know that is not true always or at all maybe. But its just how I feel. Guess because of how things went in the past.

I understand. I think I would feel the same way if similar things happened to me in the past in relationships I was in

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