I grew up going to church my younger two kids spent half their lives in church before we stopped going. I am still horrible when it comes to praying and don’t ask me to pray out loud because that just isn’t going to happen. I can’t sit or stand and pary for someone I have no idea what to say or anything like that. It just don’t come to me or sounds stupid if it does. Wjen I pray to myself I get distracted and keep starting over. I use to have no problems praying on my own alone. Now I will be and catch myself off thinking about somethimg else amd I don’t even know I am doing it until I stop to think about what I am doing or supposed to be doing.
I sometimes I wonder if religion is even for me anymore and wonder what I am even doing. It is like you can’t even stay on track and just get a prayer done without thinking about everything else. Why are you even doing it? You don’t go to church anymore why bother. Its just something else to add to your to do list that you already have a 100,000,999 other things on. Your dropping the ball on 100,000,995 of them including this. And those 4 your not doing very good at taking care of, they are half assed.
I want to go to church I don’t want to take my mother with me like she wants to go. For the simple fact of the way she is and that I just want nothing to do with her at all. Other than that I work on Sundays right now. I have to be there by 1. Unless I find one that has an ealry time then I do not get out in time. Then I don’t get off until 12/1 am on Sunday. It too feels like something else to fit in and do. I hate doing things when I feel like it is just another thing on my list to get done and taking up time when I don’t have to do it. I like going the kids love going and keep asking to go. I see a difference when we go. There is a new small church that just open a block or so from home. I told the kids when my mother leaves and isn’t there to run her mouth and start crap she has nothing to do with I am going to take them and check it out. If we like it then they can walk to and from there and go even if I have to work. My friends house is like three doors away from it. So if something happen they can always go to her house there is always someone there. Between her house and mine I am not to worried. Everyone on that street now seem pretty decent and they can always call me and talk to me until they get home. About a quarter to half the houses are owned by the church that is on the other corner from the one they would be going with. And a lot of their people walk back and forth as well. I know the people that live in another one there and another house is my good friends ex in laws. The rest have all lived there for years as long as me or longer. No one has had any problems with anyone or eachother. Before there is no way even know the people in some of the houses would I have let them walk it alone. There was to much drugs and things down through there. But between my friend the church and the others on the street they have gotten them out of there and cleaned it up. Its been a few years it has been nice.
I want to go if I didn’t have to work and really like the one we started going to after my dad passed away. But it was just so far away and I didn’t have the extra gas go two or three times a week and they didn’t have childcare for a lot of the things they had for women like bible study or small groups. My kids were to small to leave home at that time.
I am just in a down mood today and seem to be slipping further in. I been at work since just before 1 and alone since just after and O have not moved out of my chair since I got here. We do not have anyone coming in to do a room u til 430 so about another 20 minutes. I sat for the last 3 hours and played on my phone.
I did walk over to the store for a minute to get post it notes for the store. I bought myself this nice note pad to start trying to write in. It small fits in my purse I don’t have to worry about losing it or everyone getting a hold of it or what.
Got to get off here my first group just walked in. I have one a little after them starting and that is it for my day so far. 2.5 hours left.