{August 28, 2018}   I Pushed Him Away

A memory from 6 years ago popped up on my page a few minutes ago. I said something about all the changes about to happen, looking for a job and new house. I am pretty sure this was when I Foundout I was pregnant with Little Bitty.

I looked through the comments and RC and me had commented back and forth and some others said stuff. But one of his comments was you act like your a lone in this. I am here to with you or something like that. Just saying he going through it to we need to be together i wasn’t a lone. I told him i knew he was i was sorry he felt alone or that way or what. That i wasn’t tryi n g to make things harder on him. He said he was there maybe one day I would see that he loved me.

I cried reading it. Because it just hit me that he was trying and I just pushed him away. I know at the time i felt so overwhelmed, depressed and like I couldn’t function. I felt a lone i really did. I felt like he was against me too and mad at me. I guess to a point he probably was because i shut down wasn’t talking. He tried and tried to get me to i say i was fine or we already talked about it. I didnt want to keep talking about the same old same make him feel bad things had not changed yet or i felt it was or he wasn’t doing enough or what. But i also didn’t check in with him to really see how he was feeling or thought or needed. I wasn’t close with him like we had been. I just sat alone left him to deal on his own.

It is no wonder he did what he did. He felt he wasn’t wanted or good enough probably. Just what I was trying to keep him from feeling. It was shortly after that he found his little girl and everything came crashing in. I was pushing him away she was there for him to turn into.

I am not saying it was right or that he is blameless. He did somethings too but now I see why. It was just the perfect storm at the wrong time. I have always said it was my fault too. But its never really hit me what I really done. I knew I done things but nothing that couldn’t be fixed. But i didn’t know i done that the way I did.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: