{August 29, 2018}   Living in Reverse

Do you ever feel like you are living your life backwards? I have since me and father of the year split up. I think I have probably said it before back when as well. But I feel like it more now, the more I really sit down and look back over the last 7 years.

When I was in my teens I was the “good” kid. I didn’t get in trouble go out and party sneak out or anything like that. I hung out with a lot of questionable people but never did things with them or hung out much outside of school much. I wasn’t “boy crazy” and sleeping around like a lot of girls were. I had a long term boyfriend that I almosy married the last year or so of high school. I had one on and off and another I dated for a bit.

I was always the one out of my friends who worked even after high school I went right to work and that is what I did work and go home. I dated here and there a few guys before I met Father of the year but not many.

I saved money to move and then my dog got sick and I spent a big chunk on him. I moved out I moved in with friends and worked and bought a car. Staying where I was didn’t work I moved in with another friend that was looking for a roommate. Before long Father of the year moved in with us.

I helped him get a good job I was working or baby sitting making money. I made sure we kept a car and bills were paid. Before long we were married, having kids and buying a house. I was always right there holding things together and making sure things were taken care of. Being responsible and doing what a wife and mom were supposed to do. I was okay with that.

Then me and Father of the Year split up I got him to move out I was still okay and pushing along. But I was feeling lonely, because I had been for so long even when father of the year was there and had put up with so much abuse. I started hanging out with my “friend” and we ended up doing what we are. It helped being lonely and being alone when the kids would be gone on the weekend and things. It wasn’t something I ever would of done before. But I been through so much I was but wasn’t looking for much at the time. I was okay with it we were both adults and knew what we were getting into before we did it. I am still today fine with it and have no regrets.

Then I met RC and unlike I wanted to I let things happen way to fast with him. He was what I was looking for. I guess I felt safe with him even though I didn’t know him, because he was a friend of my good friend and I trusted him. I knew he wouldn’t set me up with someone that wasn’t going to treat us right. It wasn’t all RC I have said that from the start and seeing more of my fault in things.

But from there I feel like I was always so careful not to get in trouble not to get pregnant and things when I was younger. Then there I was 3 kids and one on the way and he had left. I shut down for a while and then withdrew from everything and worked on getting my divorce and things set for me and the kids together.

I feel now I am over it all, I am over being the responsible one, I am over doing it all and having no life. I just want to go out and party, go have drinks, go on dates and just do what I want to do with whoever I want to do it with. I don’t want to have to worry about anything with the kids, being there at night or what. I just want to come and go when I please. I just want to do what I want. I feel like a rebellious teen. The more I think about dating and things I think screw it just go out with whoever. Go out with the yard guy who cares he is legal. Go with the one from work just go with all of them and have fun. Even though that isn’t what I really want at this point its like fuck it I can’t find anyone looking for the same things I am so why not?

Don’t get me wrong, I do not want to neglect my kids or leave my kids. I just want to beable to to do things with them and have money and time for myself. Not feel guilty about going out or taking time for myself. Right now if I go out i feel guilty. I want to be able to walk out of the house go out not worry about needing to be home by this or that time. If I want to stay overnight somewhere I can it isn’t a big deal.

But everyone makes such a big deal out of it if I just walk out the door and meet my bff at the store for a little bit and hang out. Or stop off after work for a bit and sit and talk. If I bring up a guy lord for bit you think I was neglecting my kids and going out with a different one every night and dragging them home too. Because that is how everyone acts and like I’m not supposed to date or want to date and that my life is supposed to revolve around my kids and that’s it. Everyone talks about what a horrible mom I am and everything I dont do and everything else. But they do not look at what all I am doing. They don’t look at the daily fight it is with myself just to get out of bed a lot of times and function as much as I do. That maybe if I did get out more and was able to meet someone and have a little bit of a life I would be happier and do better. Don’t get me wrong I’m not, not doing things because I don’t have someone and feel I need someone. I don’t mean it in that way at all. But you all know how it is when you habe support and that person there. Even if things are “perfect” in life you still just feel better or different when you have someone.

I don’t know maybe I am going through a midlife crisis. Maybe I am just woreout and beat down like I said before. I don’t want to be responsible anymore. I just want to do what I want to do and whatever happens just happens. I know I can’t and I will always do it and be there but it sucks when you do it 24/7/365. I know they are little and they will grow up and I will miss it but you know I don’t even know if I will because it has been such a struggle. I don’t want to just be happy they are older and it is over kind of person but I am afraid that is how it is going to be because i feel so bad not being able to do things with them and always being the one.

I know I probably again sound like the worse mom out there and a horrible person for saying these things. But you know what it is a fact of life when your a single parent and you are trying to do right by your kids and not drag a ton of people in and out of their lives. I’m not just talking about moms, because I know there are a lot of single dads out there doing it all on their own too with no moms around. If they are trying to be decent parents and do right by their kids I am sure they have some of the same thoughts or feelings. But it is so taboo to talk about them. You don’t dare bring them up or say them out loud even if you have them because the odds are your already not doing a good enough job in most peoples eyes and they think less of you because you are a single parent. God for bid you have any kind of thoughts other than wanting your world to revolve around your kids from now on. Now you just became the worse person on the earth and you don’t love or care about your kids. And that isn’t what your saying at all. But that is all they hear. Well lucky for you all I am here to say it put it out there in the universes and say your not alone. It’s a safe place to talk or vent with no judgement.

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