A Man in Your Life and Praying For You

I am so mad right now I want to call his boss back and tell him off. When we are talking about all this on the phone and I am upset and talking about owing and needing this money to pay bills.

His boss says to me don’t you have a man in your life?

I said what? I was stunned and confused because it came from nowhere. As I said what it hit me what he was getting at.

I said no I don’t, I said I haven’t had anyone in my life in 4.5 or 5 year. He said wow really? No? I said yeah, I said I am the only one doing everything for 4 kids by myself I get no help from anyone at all. I said and most times I am working 2 or 3 jobs just trying to keep bills paid. I have no time for anything or to meet anyone or go out. I am here taking care of my kids and making sure they have what they need. I think again he said oh and something he was surprised. I didn’t figure he would belive it but he seem as if he did he was really surprised. But I know peterpan has told him who knows what and her too.

I do think I am going to message him tomorrow and ask him if we can meet up sit down and talk. Because he needs to really know what is what and it needs to be talked about calmly not when i am mad or upset. Now that he is starting to see what is really going on.

He said to me I know it isn’t a lot and not what you want to hear but I am going to pray for you. I said I gave up on that a long time ago, if that worked I woukd not be in the situation I am in. He said well now you cant think that way or something. I said well it is true everytime i turn around im shit on. We got off onto something else then.

I really do want to sit down and talk to him and tell him look i know you just think im baby momma trying start crap bitter or whatever because I know they have said all kinds of things about me. But before I say anything else, think about this. Who has the kids? Who has had them? Who has had a house the last 4/5 years? Who has a vehicle, who is working 2 or 3 jobs to make sure their kids have a place to stay? Who is taking them to school, doctors, field trips and everything else? Who has made sure they had some kind of birthday and Christmas why the other don’t call send a card or anything else? If he isn’t doing any of that for his kids and has lied about it then why do you think he would tell the truth about anything else? You can see my kids you can talk to them, you can ask anyone thet will tell you who is doing it all. If I wasn’t doing something do you think I would be in my house as long as I have? Do you think I would have a car? So now lets talk so I can tell you what is going on what happen and how we have ended up where we are. Then you decide who you believe.

Homeless

I was sitting here before work and got a phone call. It was from PeterPans boss. I figured he wanted to meet up to give me the money he got from him. It is not the first but we do not have anymore Friday’s before then. Monday is the first they will be working and things.

Boy was I wrong and shocked. He said he was calling me to let me know he wasn’t able to bring me money because there was none to bring. Says PeterPan has hardly worked this month and what he did take out he came back and got to pay his lights. Told him to tell me to take him to court if I wanted money.

I broke down on the phone right there. Told him thanks for nothing that he promised me that now I was going to be homeless with 4 kids. That I told him my hours had been cut I was counting on this. I told him my bank was over drew to pay my lights and car insurance and that i needed some of that money to pay rent that I had nothing at all now. The people I rent from will not work with me. They do not care. Houses all around me are going for way more they can put me out get $100s more a month. I can not wait for them to file an eviction on me or I will never be able to get something.

He said he is starting to see how he is he didn’t know what to tell me. He said I need to go to court and file against him.

This is to a T what I said would happen. He would take it out but as soon as he said I am short I need it he would give it back. No no it wouldn’t be that way. First payment was $50 short and excuses and now here we are 2nd payment anx I am not even getting that. I do have to say I am a little surprised because I figured he would at least wait until 4 to 6 months in before he did it not to look like an ass. But nope here we are payment number 2 and this is what he has done. Crazy as hell.

I am not sure what we are going to do everything is due this week and I do not have it. I told my mother when I got home and she done nothing but tell me how we need get by until she gets her settlement work something out but not here go get something. Yeah not here because then she can say it is her place everyone do what she says. I told her I was not living with her forever. Then it was how i cant do it on my own never have how much she has paid. If she paid so much i would not be stuck like i am now i have money. Things would not be behind. That I have to do what I have to do even if it means all living together. So kids will have a place.

She done nothing but start shit talk to me like shit since i told her. I am done with her this is not what I need right now. She keeps on what am I going to do blah blah. I told her just foundout nothing is open til monday nothing i can do until then.

I was supposed to go to work this evening for few hours. I have done nothing but cry since I found out. I didn’t go. I been trying to figure out what to do.

My cousins want me to come to GA and NC. I told Bff, I have sat at her house and cried most the day. But I told her I think I am going to call the one in NC tell her what is going on and ask her if I can stay with her if I come there. See if she will help me get places that will help me and the kids and stay until they get things set up. Her and my friend say rents are cheaper and that they have help that will help single parents so they can get back on their feet and do it on their own. She said she gets help with rent lights and water. That she is doing good still next year there is a program that helps you buy a house. She will be able to do that. Even if I didn’t get all the help she gets rents and things are cheaper there. But she has one kid gets a lot of help so I should get some with 4. If I can go there where things are cheaper and get a little help, in 6 months to a year I shouldn’t need help.

Told Bff I am telling my mother me and the kids are going to stay with her. That in December the park said they would have a trailer that I could rent. That until then we will be at bff’s. Because if I tell her I am leaving going there she will pull everything she can to keep me here. She will go to PeterPan to get him to file papers against me to keep me here. Or like she threatens to call DCF she will and then I can’t go until they decide to close the cas and that is 30 days at the least and could be more if they want to play games. She will start i cant go on a trip like that in my truck, i cant go with no money, we can’t make that trip alone, we can’t go up there stay with them what they are or how they are and call every few minutes if we do leave. I told her she has to go by next weekend. That i did too. Im let her go and let her think we are going over there. Then just take off and go. I still am not telling her where we are when she finally finds out. I am going to tell her I am at my friend who moved a few years ago J’s house with her and her husband. They are helping us. I am going to tell Father of the year the same. Because I do not have time to file and go to court right now.

Bff says I need to go get papers singed by him saying I can leave so he can’t pull anything. I don’t even care. If I do I am going to get papers for full custody have them signed. Then file them in court. Then leave and file a paper to do my hearing by phone. When judge ask I am going to tell him, he refuses to pay and I am now homeless. I had no where to go but a tent in the woods like tons of other homeless families down there. I have family here who took us in. So I am supposed to let the court know where i move and if i go out of state so i am. I need you to tell him it is okay so he can not try and make me come back. He signed giving me full custody so there is no reason for him not to. Then I am going to say and why we are at it can you do something about all the child support he owes me? Let him nail him from there.

Either way papers or no papers I am going to let them think I am at J’s house. He will not mess with me there anyway and if he tries to start they will say she didnt get the help she thought she said she was coming back there dont know where she is.

Where Does Sleeping Beauty Live

This evening me and the girls went to the store. Out of no where Little Bitty ask where Sleeping Beauty lived. I told her kind of far but not to far. She kept wanting to know where. We have one pet store we use for just about everything. I told her he lived past that store it was probably about halfway. She still wasn’t sure. I thought of the meat market I like to go to. I told her he lived not far from there or up that way. She wanted to see his house. I told her I did not have his address or know right where it was I had not been there. She finally gave up on going there.

I ask her why she wanted to know what brought that up? She just said nothing. I said why do you want to see his house I thought you did not like him? She said I just do and I don’t.

In a bit walking in the store she brought him up again was saying something. I said your pretty interested to not like him. She said he is okay I just don’t like his rules I can’t play on the phone. He wanted to give rules. I told her they were my rules he was just helping enforce them. She said something about him being a friend he shouldn’t do that so she could like him. I just laughed. Told her that isn’t how it worked.

Thought it was odd no one has brought him up or talked about him lately and she did out of the blue. One of the boys did the other day too but she wasn’t here. They did like having him here and doing things with him.

The Over Thinker

This is so true just like with the few I am interested in. I have picked them apart to decide if it is true or not.

Re: My Friend Hates Me

Yesterday I told you all about Little Bitty telling me Her friend hates her well today I walked her to class as always. But today I had a little talk with the teacher. I had Little Bitty tell her who it was and what he was saying.

The teacher was horrified. She said she had noticed the change in her and was trying to figure out why. She said they do not sit by each other so she needed to figure out when it was happening. She said she would be looking into it and put a stop to it.

The way things are set up you can’t go to the class rooms at the end of the day without checking in at the office. So I wated on her to come out and asked her how things went today.

Little Bitty said the teacher took her and the little boy to the office. She wanted her to tell them all that was said and what happen. She said they told her that if him or anyone did this again to stop and go right to the teacher or someone and tell them. They told the little boy he could not say these things to other people and do what he did. She don’t know if he got in any trouble or just talked to. Its all new for her and she is so little. She said he didn’t say anything and left her alone today. She was okay with how it was all handled. I am going to talk to the teacher tomorrow and see what she found our and how it was handled. She did make the comment that she could not change her learning center because those were the kids that were on the same level. This is when this is taking place come to find out. I got news for this teacher, if this kid starts back in on my kid someone is being moved and she will have to figure out how to do things from there.

I am glad they are doing something and not brushing it under the rug. I was shocked when she said he was taken to the office. I figured the teacher would handle it in class and if it happen anymore then maybe office. But I am glad they feel it was important enough to handle this way. May this will show the kid how not okay this is and that he could get in lots of trouble.

Not as Lonely

I noticed the other night and today, I haven’t been feeling as lonely as I had for a while. It has been kind of nice. I still think about how it would be nice to have someone or still want someone at times. But it isn’t like It had been. I haven’t been talking to anyone hardly for a few weeks or more now either. But one is still on my mind I find myself thinking about him and things through out the day.

I am not sure where they are or what they are up to that I haven’t heard from them. My “friend” I think maybe seeing someone. Something I seen made me think that awhile back. Sleeping Beauty I haven’t heard from in a bit, he was having trouble with his phone and things. I am guessing he fixed it by now. I sent a few messages no reply. Old friend I stop going to see so think he got the idea he stop messaging me. Today I see he is in the hospital. I had to go down that way was going to go see him but I didn’t so can’t.

Maybe one day things will workout someone will come along or I will get to talk to one and see how things go. For now I will just be happy with not feeling as lonely.

You Need Church

Mr. To Broken has been talking to me again just the same as if nothing ever happened. He again all with his I love you yada yada, blah, blah. The other night he said something about praying and I told him I didn’t see a reason to or do it anymore really. Something like that anyway. He didn’t say much.

To be honest I haven’t really prayed in a ling time or really had a relationship or whatever you want to call it in a long time. Here and there I say a prayer for someone or what but nothing like I use to. I go back and forth on this a lot. On praying, believing, wanting to go to church and just all of it in general.

As I said before my church turned their back on me and my kids when I got a divorce. I ture my family apart. Why would I do that we had the “perfect” family. I was told this many times by many people. We had the “picture perfect” family, we couldn’t have problems that bad. Just pray about it and wait for it to get better.

Then when we went to this new church I was the only single divorced mom there. It wasn’t a very welcoming place.

So two major times I look for support and turn to the one place I should never have to worry about being judged I was judged the most, turned away and made to feel unwelcomed. Why would I feel excited to try another church? Even when I didn’t go, for years I still prayed and maintained my relationship with god. Look where I sit, still fighting still struggling, still getting no where no matter how hard I fight and try.

Sometimes I have the thought of you need to find a church and go. Or maybe things would get better if I work on that area of my life again and go. Just the other day I was thinking about it and started looking churches up in my area. I wanted to see what sunday school classes they offer, small groups and bible study. None offer any kind of single parent mineastry for mom or dads or them as a whole of any kind.

When I go to regulare bible study I don’t fit in everyone is married or never been married don’t have kids. We talk but we just don’t realy relate because we are going through way different things. Before long your just kind of left out or pushed to the side. You can tell most are uncomfortable with you. It is like if your a divorced woman with kids and you left your husband he didn’t leave you. Your just secured your spot in hell so why are you even there amoung them anyway. Because your supposed to just pray about it and hope it changes.

I think Mr. To Broken got a little mad at me because I said I wouldn’t go. But it’s okay, I have no desire to go somewhere and sit and be looked down on and judged. I get that enough from my family. I don’t need it from a building full of stranges all the time.

If he is going and enjoys it and it is working for him thats great. I am happy for him, and don’t judge him one way or another for it. I just don’t feel it is for me right now. I can’t handle going there and dealing with it all again and to be done that way again. If the churches really don’t feel like that then why do none of them have nothing for parents and or their kids? They know it isn’t easy and they could use all the support they can get and the fellowship and bible study too. They can’t say it isn’t that big of a deal they are welcome to join our other groups. But then why are there groups for people that like the outdoors, one for people over 50 or stay at home moms or men who like to hunt and singles never been married. If it don’t matter why is it stay at home moms or working moms and why is never been married added to singles group? If it matters to these groups to study and fellow ship with like minded people why is it odd to feel there should be a single parents or single moms and a sinlge dads group or a single parwnts ministry? It does make a difference.

Maybe I am wrong but for none of the churches to have anything it seems to say a lot about their veiw and thoughts. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am a little jaded in my view because of the way I have been done. But I really don’t think so. Like I said funny none seem to have anything for single parents.

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