I am so mad right now I want to call his boss back and tell him off. When we are talking about all this on the phone and I am upset and talking about owing and needing this money to pay bills.

His boss says to me don’t you have a man in your life?

I said what? I was stunned and confused because it came from nowhere. As I said what it hit me what he was getting at.

I said no I don’t, I said I haven’t had anyone in my life in 4.5 or 5 year. He said wow really? No? I said yeah, I said I am the only one doing everything for 4 kids by myself I get no help from anyone at all. I said and most times I am working 2 or 3 jobs just trying to keep bills paid. I have no time for anything or to meet anyone or go out. I am here taking care of my kids and making sure they have what they need. I think again he said oh and something he was surprised. I didn’t figure he would belive it but he seem as if he did he was really surprised. But I know peterpan has told him who knows what and her too.

I do think I am going to message him tomorrow and ask him if we can meet up sit down and talk. Because he needs to really know what is what and it needs to be talked about calmly not when i am mad or upset. Now that he is starting to see what is really going on.

He said to me I know it isn’t a lot and not what you want to hear but I am going to pray for you. I said I gave up on that a long time ago, if that worked I woukd not be in the situation I am in. He said well now you cant think that way or something. I said well it is true everytime i turn around im shit on. We got off onto something else then.

I really do want to sit down and talk to him and tell him look i know you just think im baby momma trying start crap bitter or whatever because I know they have said all kinds of things about me. But before I say anything else, think about this. Who has the kids? Who has had them? Who has had a house the last 4/5 years? Who has a vehicle, who is working 2 or 3 jobs to make sure their kids have a place to stay? Who is taking them to school, doctors, field trips and everything else? Who has made sure they had some kind of birthday and Christmas why the other don’t call send a card or anything else? If he isn’t doing any of that for his kids and has lied about it then why do you think he would tell the truth about anything else? You can see my kids you can talk to them, you can ask anyone thet will tell you who is doing it all. If I wasn’t doing something do you think I would be in my house as long as I have? Do you think I would have a car? So now lets talk so I can tell you what is going on what happen and how we have ended up where we are. Then you decide who you believe.

{September 30, 2018}   Homeless

I was sitting here before work and got a phone call. It was from PeterPans boss. I figured he wanted to meet up to give me the money he got from him. It is not the first but we do not have anymore Friday’s before then. Monday is the first they will be working and things.

Boy was I wrong and shocked. He said he was calling me to let me know he wasn’t able to bring me money because there was none to bring. Says PeterPan has hardly worked this month and what he did take out he came back and got to pay his lights. Told him to tell me to take him to court if I wanted money.

I broke down on the phone right there. Told him thanks for nothing that he promised me that now I was going to be homeless with 4 kids. That I told him my hours had been cut I was counting on this. I told him my bank was over drew to pay my lights and car insurance and that i needed some of that money to pay rent that I had nothing at all now. The people I rent from will not work with me. They do not care. Houses all around me are going for way more they can put me out get $100s more a month. I can not wait for them to file an eviction on me or I will never be able to get something.

He said he is starting to see how he is he didn’t know what to tell me. He said I need to go to court and file against him.

This is to a T what I said would happen. He would take it out but as soon as he said I am short I need it he would give it back. No no it wouldn’t be that way. First payment was $50 short and excuses and now here we are 2nd payment anx I am not even getting that. I do have to say I am a little surprised because I figured he would at least wait until 4 to 6 months in before he did it not to look like an ass. But nope here we are payment number 2 and this is what he has done. Crazy as hell.

I am not sure what we are going to do everything is due this week and I do not have it. I told my mother when I got home and she done nothing but tell me how we need get by until she gets her settlement work something out but not here go get something. Yeah not here because then she can say it is her place everyone do what she says. I told her I was not living with her forever. Then it was how i cant do it on my own never have how much she has paid. If she paid so much i would not be stuck like i am now i have money. Things would not be behind. That I have to do what I have to do even if it means all living together. So kids will have a place.

She done nothing but start shit talk to me like shit since i told her. I am done with her this is not what I need right now. She keeps on what am I going to do blah blah. I told her just foundout nothing is open til monday nothing i can do until then.

I was supposed to go to work this evening for few hours. I have done nothing but cry since I found out. I didn’t go. I been trying to figure out what to do.

My cousins want me to come to GA and NC. I told Bff, I have sat at her house and cried most the day. But I told her I think I am going to call the one in NC tell her what is going on and ask her if I can stay with her if I come there. See if she will help me get places that will help me and the kids and stay until they get things set up. Her and my friend say rents are cheaper and that they have help that will help single parents so they can get back on their feet and do it on their own. She said she gets help with rent lights and water. That she is doing good still next year there is a program that helps you buy a house. She will be able to do that. Even if I didn’t get all the help she gets rents and things are cheaper there. But she has one kid gets a lot of help so I should get some with 4. If I can go there where things are cheaper and get a little help, in 6 months to a year I shouldn’t need help.

Told Bff I am telling my mother me and the kids are going to stay with her. That in December the park said they would have a trailer that I could rent. That until then we will be at bff’s. Because if I tell her I am leaving going there she will pull everything she can to keep me here. She will go to PeterPan to get him to file papers against me to keep me here. Or like she threatens to call DCF she will and then I can’t go until they decide to close the cas and that is 30 days at the least and could be more if they want to play games. She will start i cant go on a trip like that in my truck, i cant go with no money, we can’t make that trip alone, we can’t go up there stay with them what they are or how they are and call every few minutes if we do leave. I told her she has to go by next weekend. That i did too. Im let her go and let her think we are going over there. Then just take off and go. I still am not telling her where we are when she finally finds out. I am going to tell her I am at my friend who moved a few years ago J’s house with her and her husband. They are helping us. I am going to tell Father of the year the same. Because I do not have time to file and go to court right now.

Bff says I need to go get papers singed by him saying I can leave so he can’t pull anything. I don’t even care. If I do I am going to get papers for full custody have them signed. Then file them in court. Then leave and file a paper to do my hearing by phone. When judge ask I am going to tell him, he refuses to pay and I am now homeless. I had no where to go but a tent in the woods like tons of other homeless families down there. I have family here who took us in. So I am supposed to let the court know where i move and if i go out of state so i am. I need you to tell him it is okay so he can not try and make me come back. He signed giving me full custody so there is no reason for him not to. Then I am going to say and why we are at it can you do something about all the child support he owes me? Let him nail him from there.

Either way papers or no papers I am going to let them think I am at J’s house. He will not mess with me there anyway and if he tries to start they will say she didnt get the help she thought she said she was coming back there dont know where she is.

{September 28, 2018}   Where Does Sleeping Beauty Live

This evening me and the girls went to the store. Out of no where Little Bitty ask where Sleeping Beauty lived. I told her kind of far but not to far. She kept wanting to know where. We have one pet store we use for just about everything. I told her he lived past that store it was probably about halfway. She still wasn’t sure. I thought of the meat market I like to go to. I told her he lived not far from there or up that way. She wanted to see his house. I told her I did not have his address or know right where it was I had not been there. She finally gave up on going there.

I ask her why she wanted to know what brought that up? She just said nothing. I said why do you want to see his house I thought you did not like him? She said I just do and I don’t.

In a bit walking in the store she brought him up again was saying something. I said your pretty interested to not like him. She said he is okay I just don’t like his rules I can’t play on the phone. He wanted to give rules. I told her they were my rules he was just helping enforce them. She said something about him being a friend he shouldn’t do that so she could like him. I just laughed. Told her that isn’t how it worked.

Thought it was odd no one has brought him up or talked about him lately and she did out of the blue. One of the boys did the other day too but she wasn’t here. They did like having him here and doing things with him.

{September 27, 2018}   The Over Thinker

This is so true just like with the few I am interested in. I have picked them apart to decide if it is true or not.

{September 27, 2018}   Re: My Friend Hates Me

Yesterday I told you all about Little Bitty telling me Her friend hates her well today I walked her to class as always. But today I had a little talk with the teacher. I had Little Bitty tell her who it was and what he was saying.

The teacher was horrified. She said she had noticed the change in her and was trying to figure out why. She said they do not sit by each other so she needed to figure out when it was happening. She said she would be looking into it and put a stop to it.

The way things are set up you can’t go to the class rooms at the end of the day without checking in at the office. So I wated on her to come out and asked her how things went today.

Little Bitty said the teacher took her and the little boy to the office. She wanted her to tell them all that was said and what happen. She said they told her that if him or anyone did this again to stop and go right to the teacher or someone and tell them. They told the little boy he could not say these things to other people and do what he did. She don’t know if he got in any trouble or just talked to. Its all new for her and she is so little. She said he didn’t say anything and left her alone today. She was okay with how it was all handled. I am going to talk to the teacher tomorrow and see what she found our and how it was handled. She did make the comment that she could not change her learning center because those were the kids that were on the same level. This is when this is taking place come to find out. I got news for this teacher, if this kid starts back in on my kid someone is being moved and she will have to figure out how to do things from there.

I am glad they are doing something and not brushing it under the rug. I was shocked when she said he was taken to the office. I figured the teacher would handle it in class and if it happen anymore then maybe office. But I am glad they feel it was important enough to handle this way. May this will show the kid how not okay this is and that he could get in lots of trouble.

{September 27, 2018}   Not as Lonely

I noticed the other night and today, I haven’t been feeling as lonely as I had for a while. It has been kind of nice. I still think about how it would be nice to have someone or still want someone at times. But it isn’t like It had been. I haven’t been talking to anyone hardly for a few weeks or more now either. But one is still on my mind I find myself thinking about him and things through out the day.

I am not sure where they are or what they are up to that I haven’t heard from them. My “friend” I think maybe seeing someone. Something I seen made me think that awhile back. Sleeping Beauty I haven’t heard from in a bit, he was having trouble with his phone and things. I am guessing he fixed it by now. I sent a few messages no reply. Old friend I stop going to see so think he got the idea he stop messaging me. Today I see he is in the hospital. I had to go down that way was going to go see him but I didn’t so can’t.

Maybe one day things will workout someone will come along or I will get to talk to one and see how things go. For now I will just be happy with not feeling as lonely.

{September 27, 2018}   You Need Church

Mr. To Broken has been talking to me again just the same as if nothing ever happened. He again all with his I love you yada yada, blah, blah. The other night he said something about praying and I told him I didn’t see a reason to or do it anymore really. Something like that anyway. He didn’t say much.

To be honest I haven’t really prayed in a ling time or really had a relationship or whatever you want to call it in a long time. Here and there I say a prayer for someone or what but nothing like I use to. I go back and forth on this a lot. On praying, believing, wanting to go to church and just all of it in general.

As I said before my church turned their back on me and my kids when I got a divorce. I ture my family apart. Why would I do that we had the “perfect” family. I was told this many times by many people. We had the “picture perfect” family, we couldn’t have problems that bad. Just pray about it and wait for it to get better.

Then when we went to this new church I was the only single divorced mom there. It wasn’t a very welcoming place.

So two major times I look for support and turn to the one place I should never have to worry about being judged I was judged the most, turned away and made to feel unwelcomed. Why would I feel excited to try another church? Even when I didn’t go, for years I still prayed and maintained my relationship with god. Look where I sit, still fighting still struggling, still getting no where no matter how hard I fight and try.

Sometimes I have the thought of you need to find a church and go. Or maybe things would get better if I work on that area of my life again and go. Just the other day I was thinking about it and started looking churches up in my area. I wanted to see what sunday school classes they offer, small groups and bible study. None offer any kind of single parent mineastry for mom or dads or them as a whole of any kind.

When I go to regulare bible study I don’t fit in everyone is married or never been married don’t have kids. We talk but we just don’t realy relate because we are going through way different things. Before long your just kind of left out or pushed to the side. You can tell most are uncomfortable with you. It is like if your a divorced woman with kids and you left your husband he didn’t leave you. Your just secured your spot in hell so why are you even there amoung them anyway. Because your supposed to just pray about it and hope it changes.

I think Mr. To Broken got a little mad at me because I said I wouldn’t go. But it’s okay, I have no desire to go somewhere and sit and be looked down on and judged. I get that enough from my family. I don’t need it from a building full of stranges all the time.

If he is going and enjoys it and it is working for him thats great. I am happy for him, and don’t judge him one way or another for it. I just don’t feel it is for me right now. I can’t handle going there and dealing with it all again and to be done that way again. If the churches really don’t feel like that then why do none of them have nothing for parents and or their kids? They know it isn’t easy and they could use all the support they can get and the fellowship and bible study too. They can’t say it isn’t that big of a deal they are welcome to join our other groups. But then why are there groups for people that like the outdoors, one for people over 50 or stay at home moms or men who like to hunt and singles never been married. If it don’t matter why is it stay at home moms or working moms and why is never been married added to singles group? If it matters to these groups to study and fellow ship with like minded people why is it odd to feel there should be a single parents or single moms and a sinlge dads group or a single parwnts ministry? It does make a difference.

Maybe I am wrong but for none of the churches to have anything it seems to say a lot about their veiw and thoughts. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am a little jaded in my view because of the way I have been done. But I really don’t think so. Like I said funny none seem to have anything for single parents.

{September 26, 2018}   My Friend Hates Me


So the first week or so of school Little Bitty loved to go and would race into class to be with her friends. After that she takes forever to get to class wants to stay home and just slow about going into class when we get there. I have asked and ask why the change what was wrong and she says nothing.

Today she came out and we started to walk home and she stopped after a few steps and says my friend is mean to me. He tells me he hates me and he wants to kill me. He is just breaking my heart all the time I try to be nice to him. But he just keeps breaking my heart.

I couldn’t of heard that right ask again she says the samething. I ask if she told her teacher she said no she was waiting for her other friends to tell her. That now he is saying mean things to the other kids and he can’t to that and he is going to break their hearts and that isn’t nice. She says he has been saying this stuff to her everyday. This makes since to me now because around the 2nd week of school the teacher moved her seat because of her hearing. This is when she stop being so exited about going. But why did she wait this long to tell me and only once he started with the other kids and she don’t want him to break their hearts like he has hers.

Her teacher was not there today so I told her we would be having a talk with her in the morning. If she is not there we will be going to the office.

I feel so bad she waited all this time to tell me. Why was it okay when he was doing it to her but now he is others so she tells.

I have only told my Bff about this and wasn’t going to say anything until I figured it out but sitting here at work with nothing to do I decided to let you all in on it. Let you all weigh in if you would like and see who was right.

About 4 or 5 days ago I posted on craigslist my resume. I did not put my name or address on it just to text or email me. Well you can imagine the responses I had. Do not even remember what the first two were now. I decided they were scams right away blocked and reported them.

Then I had one that seemed pretty good at first it was to work with a art and media critic. Then they tell me it pays just under $30 an hour. I start to figure out this is not legit either but go with it to see where it goes. I don’t have to give to much info so. With in minutes it come to age and that most of the work is looking at XXX rated things and watching. Would I have a problem with that? Maybe legit but unlikely. I blocked and moved on.

It was quiet for a few days then I was sitting at work Friday and get a message asking if I would like to make $150. I ask doing what and when. Well they wanted me to meet them North of me up where where I lived with RC. They wanted me to go to a movie with them. They pay me $150 plus for the movie and all. I told them I did not get off until 2 I was working. Then they wanted to know if I wanted to go then so they could buy tickets and things. I told them we could talk when I got off at 2 call me then.

I talked to bff she said whatch it be an undercover sting where they try to catch prostitutes. I said I am not doing anything illegal, I am meeting in a public place, staying in public place will not go to a home or office nothing like that and will not be getting in a vehicle with them. So if that is what it is they better tell me upfront or come off my $150 if we do this. She laughed. She like oh lord girl don’t go get arrested. I said I’m not. I never heard from them at 2 and had other things to do and wasn’t dressed to go really so I left it alone.

Well Friday I took my resume down and decided to put up an add for office help/errands runner and made a nice add and placed. I put that I could fill in for people who were absent for the day or with holidays coming up everyone wanting time off. I could be on call to pop in a day or more during the week or to do shopping or other errands. Surprisingly I have only had one response. We have been texting back and forth since the weekend.

So here is where the round of legit or a liget scam comes in. You can leave your thoughts in the comments and I will update once it all plays out.

The person responded on Saturday and ask if I would be interested in position as cleaner/sitter/caregiver and run errands at times. I told him I would consider and asked more about it. He told me his name that he is married with two kids. That his family would be coming here from out of state for 6 months and he was looking for help with his family. He went on to say that his wife has been in a wheelchair for just over a year now. It would be helping her, the kids and with the house and errands that needed done. He told me this big thing he is involved in and why they were coming and all that. I looked up a few things he talked about with his job they are legit.

We have been responding back and forth he is getting all the last minute details worked out. He says he is going to be staying in my area but I think that he is talking about over by where my job is now. Most people not from here think the two are the same because the names are so close. He said appartment but then said the agent would mail me keys so I can go clean and stock with food so it will be ready when they get in next week. There are a lot of condo’s over here by work.

Today he asked for an address to mail the keys to and my name and things to make payment. He said he released for his assistant to pay me for the week so I can get everything ready for them to come. That he should of for more weeks but he take care of it once they got here made sure it was a good fit.

He said something about making sure I was working for his family. I guess so I didn’t take another job or something. We had not talked about pay, days, hours or anything other than just he prefers afternoons. I figured that was because that would be when the kids get out of school and his wife is going to need help with them.

I told Bff I was going to tell him at least $500 a week maybe a little more. 1. I know he is making the money. 2. work I am sure is paying for at least some of the living expenses sonce they are out of state. 2. He is wanting a sitter, maid, and someone to help his wife as well and to run errands. I figure doctors, kids to school and pick up and things. So wear tear on my car and my gas. I did not say all this to him just Bff.

Today when we were talking and he said he told his PA it was okay to pay me and things. I said we have not talked about how many days, hours, what days or hours you are looking for or the rate of pay you are looking at paying.

He said he was looking for someone 5 hours a day and he was willing to pay $400 a week plus $50 a week for gas. He still did not say how many days or anything. So I asked him was that 7 days he was looking for someone? He said no just 5 days and he would like someone in the afternoons or whatever would work for me that we could work out.

I told him I would do it 25 hours a week 5 days a week for the $400 and $50 for gas no problem. As long as he don’t have me running 30 miles a day or something in my truck that should be fine. That works out to like $14 an hour or around $18 if you figure it at $450. I can’t complain making that part time. If I need to be at school for the kids or something like that I can change my hours around for that day because he seem to be flexible there to a point.

I gave him my name and an address to send things to. I told him since the keys were local it would probably be easier for me to just meet the agent and pick them up and everyrhing. I have not heard back about that. He said the painters and electrician was holding things up. Bff is going to go with me to meet the agent, to check the condo out the first time and depending on how that goes maybe to meet him and his family for the first time.

I told Bff if they say anything I am just going to say look you found me on craigslist. I needed a job was running out of options so put it out there. But with the way things are these days and all that you hear about happening on craigslist or people meeting to buy things or checking on jobs I had to protect myself until I knew for sure it wasn’t a scam or something. If he really a family guy here on buisness with his family on the up and up he should be understanding and it not a big deal.

I am not getting my hopes up I am just going threw the motions and seeing how it all plays out in the end and assuming it is a scam. If it plays out to be legit then great. I know some people do travel and things for work and need people like this. Some will hire someone to travel with them some look for someone local. There are other places to look but some want to try to save money and look places like craigslist figuring they will get someone cheaper. So unless I go with it and see where it goes I won’t know. I have nothing to lose if it plays out to a scam but a little time. But everything to gain if it plays out to not be a scam. I will have a decent paying job with decent hours and days for the next 6 months.

Right now I can’t even make $400 a week working a full 40 hours and I am working nights, weekends and everything else. Then you have the ones like the car lot scam and I found that from someone I knew. $350 for 54 hours 6 days. I get this I am going tell Bff’s husband you want to talk about making good money good money is $400 for 25 hours a week 5 days a week and $50 a week for gas. That is good money. Not $6 something an hour for 6 days and 3x the hours.

6 months will put me right about the time my lease will be up and I am hoping to finally move this time. If not then maybe I can open a buisness.

{September 24, 2018}   Find a Boyfriend

I am ready to scream, twice today I have been told I just need to find a boyfriend to live with so I don’t have to worry and stress so much over money. One was Bff and the other was Mr. To Broken. Just like my friend saying before just find a man the rest will work out.

I don’t get it, what am I supposed to just go out to what the bar tomorrow pick someone up and be like hey why don’t you move in with me tonight? Now tomorrow you need to pay all these bills? Is this how it works these days? Even if I met someone it would be a little bit before we decided to get together and then some time to decide if it is going to work out or not and move in together. They aren’t going to be paying my bills and things in the mean time. So if I do find someone and move them it is just a matter of time before decide to go on their way and do something else and your in the same jam or worse. Or you end up putting up with a lot you shouldn’t to keep them around. I’m not putting up with crap and im not rushing out to get with just whoever to have help.

Hell when I lived with someone in the past I helped them get ahead good jobs and everything else and still look where it got me alone still so what good does it do me to find someone. Like i told her no one wants me.

I told Mr. To Broken I gave up on praying and waiting for better to happen. It has been 5 years now and nothing better has happen. We just keep getting worse and worse off. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me.

I guess I pissed them and the kid off because they all said they were going to bed or they would talk to me tomorrow. Nothing is going to change but okay.

Like I told bff tonight I am closer and closer to walking away and disappearing everyday. Let everyone else figure out how to take care of it all. I don’t feel anything but aggravation and resentment. I don’t want to start feeling that way toward my kids so its better to walk away for a while and work on me. When do I get my time to make a better life? To just have a break once in awhile when? When do I get to stop struggling? Never if I don’t take it.

et cetera
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