{October 26, 2018}   If There Is A God

It is 2:45 am and my mind is racing from one thing to another and then another. I have to have kids at school by 7:40 and be at work by 9 to open. Normally I would work until 2 but my new hours I am there until 5. That is if they are not busy and don’t need me after that. But I just have to much on my mind to sleep.

This has been on it for a few days now. Why is it if you question faith, religion, church, believes, god or all the above, people get nerves and avoid you? They come at you with generic answers that cover nothing and don’t really answer your question. Then they pull out the old trusty go toos. Such as don’t give up now, don’t stop believing or lose faith, you have come so far something will happen soon. Or I don’t know when it is going to happen just wait. You have waited this long, it’s on his time not ours, what if yours was coming tomorrow and you give up today? It’s like all pipe dreams that people hold on to or grasp at in order to keep going or to have something to give them hope. I don’t know, but at this point looking around me at all people are going through and how others walk through life like nothing and everything else. I just feel that is all it is, something someone put there to keep people from just giving up I don’t know. Churches to make money or harbor those that do wrong and make it okay.

Wow looking back and thinking about it church’s all have had problems growing up and still today. The church I grew up in split half the people left because of things that happen with the daycare. The youth leader amd his wife were all involved. I never thought to much about it. I was a teen and wasn’t as involved at that point. It just seemed like a horrible thing that happen.

Thinking about it now and all that has come out as what happen and how the church split and took sides and outcast ones that tried to say something and stood by the ones who did the things and hired legal help and everything for them.

Then how the one me and father of the year was going to how they turned their backs on me and the kids. I wasn’t the only one they turned their backs on. Then to findout they put kids and things in danger and think nothing of it. When something happens tell the kids and parent they should forgive the person and work things out. We aren’t talking hurt my feelings called me a name or wouldn’t let me have something I wanted misunderstand kind of things. Talking people went to jail and prison and things. I understand needing to forgive not for them but yourself. But to work things out stay together, stay friends or what no, no, no that just isn’t right. Then let these people come back and welcome them as if nothing happen not say a word to new people or nothing else. Something is not right about that.

Look at all these huge churches you see, the preacher can’t know all those people that come there and have a relationships and things. I bet you not even a quarter of them are even close or able to get a hold of him and have a true preacher congregation memeber relationship. The congregation can’t even know eachother and have a true church family kind of relationship. It seems to be all about the money with them. Being popular.

Then you have others who seem to have a good balance and close and involved with members and memebers invloved doing things together. But then they become more of a clique it seems if you don’t fit in their cookie cutter.

I have been involved in all different ways from a member, to a techer to childcare worker, to being involved in the meetings of the church helping to make decisions and vote on things with the elders and preacher to an outsider looking in. And all that I have seen and experienced in and out of church and having time to really sit back take it all in think about it really has me questioning a lot and leaving me with a hard time believing seeing as no one can seem to answer my questions and avoids you when you do question and don’t just blindly follow. It isn’t like I am attacking anyone for believing, saying they shouldn’t, saying I am going to worship the devil come join me. I am just asking questions that a lot I would think would ask.

I think it comes down to the point that it makes them start questioning things and they don’t know how to Handel that. They don’t want to think about it, it is easier to just believe and go on their marry way. But meanwhile where does that leave people who maybe have never believed and maybe have decided to try this thing called church and faith or what out? Or people like me who are really questioning things and what is going on and what way to turn?

Maybe I should ask a preacher instead of random people from the church. But I don’t even know where to start to do something like that because I haven’t been to church or involved in one in so long. I don’t want to talk to the ones from the church that turned their backs on us and thinks we need to forgive and work things out. I have no idea who is over the church I grew up in. The preacher that I use to talk to there left years ago. Maybe I should set up a meeting with the preacher and his wife at the church where me and the kids were going to for a little bit there after my dad passed. Him amd his wife are both preachers, they have had this church about 11 years now and they are closer to my age. Maybe make it easier to talk to them. I don’t know, maybe I should just forget it and not go one way or the other.

I tried to do the prayer journal and the 30 day challenge and all that to try to get back into it and back to where I was before. But it all just feels so fake. I don’t know maybe that isn’t the word to use but I just couldn’t do it. It didn’t seem real it just seem like I was going through the motions. I couldn’t keep it up. I am going to have to find someone to talk to because it is on my mind to much and until I get answers it will be. Some say you haven’t had that “god” moment or that coming to god moment when you do you be okay. What? What is that supposed to mean how is that supposed to help now? Just easier to say again than having to admit they don’t know or that it raises questions in their mind or that they have the same questions but are just blindly following because that is what you do maybe?

Well now that it is 10:40 am here is my post I start at almost 3am. I was wide a wake when I started, got a quarter of the way in and passed out.

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