My Dreaded Text Message

I got a text today that has my anxiety and stress levels up. I keep trying to talk myself down and tell myself it will be okay. But I know what is to come and there is no amount of pep talk or not thinking about it that will bring it down. Anytime I think about it, I feel my jaw tighten. I catch myslef thinking about it when I am doing other things even. Before I know it I realize I am thinking more about it than what I am supposed to be.

I received a message from the women asking me if I could work any days this week she is really short handed. As soon as I seen it in my head I was yelling no, no don’t do it, tell her none. Why half was saying you have to we have all this stuff do this week we couldn’t pay and now it and more this weekend.

I finally told her I would do Thursday and Friday and let her know if I could do Saturday Friday night. See if I am making money and how bad my anxiety/stress is. I really have a hard time and struggle when I do this job. It isn’t the job it is the fact of not being able to see. Before i only had an hour or two after dark of work. Now with the time change it will be dark when I start so the whole night will be a struggle. It is back roads no lights can’t see the house. Numbers and things. I just feel sick even after sleeping on it.

In Need Of a Time Out

I am in need of an adult time out for a week or two. I want to crawl out of my own skin. The two little ones have really been at eachother for days now. The dog will not listen no matter how much we try to show her and train her. She is in stuff 24/7. Then putting up with the bitch on top of it all. I am about ready to snap. Little bitty has been at her worst lately. Nothing I say or do matters try to be nice don’t work, punishment don’t work. It has been a struggle not to just bust her butt like she has never had before. I do not put up with the shit she been doing. I know a lot is going on but it don’t matter at this point she pushing to far and knows good and well what she is doing.

I am so over dealing with the bitch she is a huge reason things are the way they are everyone is in the mood they are in.

Feeling extremely lonely, unloved, uncared about, like a failure, depressed. Tired of being alone and doing this alone. Been thinking about Christmas coming up. Seen the gingerbread house kits in the store, started putting the tree up tonight all got me to thinking about this time last year. How things were then Sleeping Beauty coming to stay helping with things. They did the house’s and he helped with the tree and outside stuff. Everyone relaxed and had a nice time. When the kids got like they are he would step in and help. Or if I wanted to just get out he go for a ride or walk with me. We sit watch tv joke around or talk all hours of the night.

Its just makes me wish I could find someone like that to be more than friends with. Someone to have a future with. Someone to loves me and the kids and wants to do things to help and be with us.

It makes me wonder what is wrong with me? Why am I never good enough? Why don’t anyone want to be with me? Love me?

I try to figure out why I found someone who is everything and then some, but can’t be with him. Why he is so scared? Why he don’t see what we could have how we could grow together and be happy and better off? Or does he because he seems to in all the comments and talking he has done the last year. Hasn’t he seen I truly mean what I say and that I’m not like the rest? Why is he so scared to even sit down and talk?

If he isn’t it or it isn’t meant to be then why can’t I find someone or the one? It isn’t like I have stopped looking, talking or trying to meet people and just waiting on him. I am not going to wait for anyone or stop talking to others just because I am considering something with someone else. Once I find someone I want to have more with and they feel the same then I will. Until then I do what I want to do.

I just hate feeling this way. Lonely is one of the worst feelings ever.

My Ton of Bricks Moments 1

Im not going to fight with him not a man who has already put his hands on me. I am just going to shoot ask questions later when it’s said and done.

I lived with the abuse for years not because I was scared of him but more because I was embarrassed. I was a very independent, out going, out spoken person and i let myself get in that kind of situation and couldn’t get myself out of it.

If it came down to it I would not think twice about shooting him if he ever came after me again.

I don’t know why I have had the thought of him coming back in the picture and trying to do something to me. I had the though if he found out where I work he may try to come there knowing I am alone most the time. I want my guns out of pawn and I want to get my concealed carry. But that is going to take time.

I had the thought if I do I need to tell my bosses that I have it and carry it. Even about asking them if I can keep it there for the time being until I get my cc. If it is just something I keep at the office they allow it I am not carrying it on me. It is not illegal to have in my vehicle but I rather just keep it at work. So that if I was stopped or something then I would not have to worry about it being in my truck.

But I do not know how to approach it with my bosses or how they would feel about any of it. I know if he came there and started and the one boss was there he would not put up with it and would put a stop to it. He beat his ass an not think twice about it. A guy disrespects a women or abuses it is done.

I figure they will say there is this or that to protect myself but I am not he is to much bigger than me. By the time I could get close enough to him to do anything he could have a hold of me take it do what he wants. How do I make them or get them to understand why I want to do what I do? That is when I had the thought above about putting up with his abuse.

Later in the week I was thinking about stuff I have and things I need to do something with or put up. The though of how I just want to get rid of everything and everyone says how can you just have something one day get rid of it the next without a second thought? I wasn’t sure why. But between never having stuff because of him and losing everything else to pawn, being left in storage and things you just get to the point nothing means anything to you anymore. Its just stuff it can always be replaced.

I swing from one extreme to the other, i either keep everything or throw everything away or give it away. Just get rid of it all no matter what it is or worth.

I think it is because when I was with Father of the Year I never really had things. My things were always disappearing, coming up broke or given away. I guess it was a sick game to him. He thought it was funny or something.

I think now I want to do things use things or what so I hold onto them so I can. I really mean to and want to I am just so busy I rearly get to it. But no one can get rid of it or what because its my plce there is no one here to make my stuff disappear. I can keep it or do what I want. I know when I go to use it whenever that maybe it will be here. But then things pile up and I end up with junk everywhere.

Where as before I would have it no time go to use it and he had already done something with it. Now i have the stuff and no time.

But then I get tired of all the clutter and everything over all and throw it all out and get rid of it.

Like now I am tired of all the furniture and everything in the house I am fighting so hard not to toss it all out and start over. I want to but can’t afford to and want to wait until she is out of the house.

But those were my hit like a ton of bricks moment’s this last week.

A Little Creepy

Tuesday night I went to bed late, I was extremely sore, tired and just didn’t feel good. Mr. To Broken messaged me and said he needed to talk to me. I ask what was up. He tried to call me on messenger. I did not answer he knows I do not use it to talk at all if he wants to call me he needs to call my phone right. I ask again what was up? He said he wanted to talk to me could he call? I said yeah.

He called my phone started telling me how much he loves me all this. He sounded way better than I have ever heard him sound before. He tells me he has this idea I should come and bring the kids over Friday night. Have a fire grill and all that. The kids can run and play all night until they drop. And we (me & him) can go to bed and crash. Just relax and enjoy the night. It would be fun for the kids.

I do not know why he thought I would go along with this. He knows how I am and that I don’t bring my kids around guys and things. To think I am just going to come bring them over there and in the end go to bed with him! I have made it very clear I am mot interested in him at all in anyway shape or form for any reason at all.

What did he think he would get me over there and then do what he wanted? I go along with it because the kids were there or he pull something because they were there try make me do what he wanted.

I just got a very weird feeling about it all. He just seemed into good of a mood and everything. Very not good feeling about it. Of course I told him no there was never a question about it there is no way i ever think of doing it. Creepy stalker kind of thing if you ask me.

A Little Disappointed

I was going to go see my old friend today after I had the kids settled for the night. Then yesterday while I was at work he messaged and asked if I could hang out last night? I told him no because I really couldn’t he said he was leaving this afternoon to go to WV to his dads.

I thought he was leaving Wednesday to go. I had already planned to go this evening and see him before he went. Now I messed up and missed going. I guess I will just have to wait until he gets back now because he will be gone before I get off.

Don’t know why it bothers me I don’t get to see him before he leaves but it does. I was going to see him the other night but I thought he was busy so made other plans. I still had plan to go see him tonight as well. I had not told him just in case I wasn’t able to. Guess I should ask him when he is coming home. I know he told me the other night but I don’t remember. Probably better to go then anyway.

Saturday Night Adventure

After shoppinbg Saturday I decided to go out for a bit. I messaged my friend I went with last Sunday and he didn’t reply for a while. In the meantime my “friend” messaged and wanted to know if he could pick me up. We had been talking about going out the night before and never did. I didn’t hear from the other so I said okay.

I made the kids dinner and told them I was going to see a friend for a bit. I told “friend” to meet me at Bff’s house I had to go by there to drop somethings off. He was coming from north of her so it was like a middle point. I figured we would find something to do around there then he could drop me back off.

He picked me up we went and had a drink then decided to go out to the woods for a bit. We got out there and I thought we were going to get stuck going in, but we didn’t. He was having some trouble with the 4wd on it. It wasn’t wanting to shift. Then it seem to be okay.

Then on the way out I don’t know what he done but then he was asking if I knew how to work it. I said I had one on the floor in my trooper years ago drove the hell out of it in the woods. He was like oh i think I got it after that. Next thing I know we are stuck. He says get over here go when I tell you. I tried then tried a few things it was to late to stuck.

He says I don’t even know who to call but one guy all he has is a little truck. He couldn’t get him. I said lets walk out go walk up and get my truck. It was 5 miles or less away. He wasn’t leaving his truck. I don’t blame him he did when we were kids, by time he got back it was stripped. There wasn’t anyone down where we were, but I heard people walking around in the woods across the street when I went up to the road. In the woods it’s fair game if you leave it a lone.

I called Bff she wasn’t home she was at the store headed home. I told her what happen ask her to come get me so I could get my truck at her house. She dropped her daughter off came and got me. She had no strap old bosses truck was at the shop he drove something else home. “Friend” said he had 3 small ones. I got the truck made my way back out to him. I started backing down in there but not being able to see and it being black dark i wasn’t doing good lol. He ask if I wanted him to back it in. I said yeah or we would be there longer or I may hit a tree or his truck. He laughed. He backed it in the strap wasn’t long enough he had to back closer. He had three very thin and very short straps. I do not think were for towing at all. As he was backing up more I thought to look in my truck. I told him to open it so I could see in. Sure enough my rope was there. I had told the kids to put my strap but think it might be gone but they had the rope out for something and put it in there. We hooked it up i pulled up to get the slack out and waited for him to get in. He got it started and in gear and I walked right out with it.

We were only 25ft or less off the road when he stuck it. He tried to back out I think was a big reason he got stuck. I had him out in less than a minute. He was saying you have to to this and that and don’t forget or don’t do…. I looked at him and said look I’m going pull you out, I know what I am doing. You just don’t slam into me when I get you out. Your not that stuck so don’t worry about trying to give it gas. Put it in gear and wait.

I pulled up until the front of my truck was at the edge of the road and stopped. We got out unhooked them and put the straps away. He was like I can’t believe this happen, I’m mad I let this happen, if the 4wd been working. I said it’s not a big deal, shit happens, don’t bother me none we had a good time or I did anyway. He like yeah I know but still. I said nothing its done over. It bruised his ego and hurt his pride I think. He got stuck such a spot and I had to get my truck and pull him out. He better get some thicker skin not let such get to his ego and pride. Unlike others I careless and not thought twice about it. It don’t make me look at him any differently than I did before it happen. It has been 20 years since he been out done crap like that you screw up get nerves and things. Not a big deal. Hell I got mine stuck in 4wd we had to pull over get it out. He had to get it out I couldn’t for the life of me. But in 3 years that is only 2nd time I have used it. I have the turn knob (hate it, rather have it on the floor) i thought I just turn back to 2wd it switched. I guess you have to put it in nutreal or something. I have to look it up and see what it says. I have only used it to pull people out when they were stuck. Never taken it to play yet. After I fix the front end then I will go play.

 

Lazy Saturday

So this was Saturday not sure why it did not publish.

Sitting here at the my friends barber shop waiting to get the kids hair cut. Then off to find Little Bitty a jacket of some kind. Hers from last year is to small and got a big tear in it. The stuff it is made of you can’t really fix it. She has been wearing a little fleace pull over shirt thing.

Its nice having a Saturday off. Not having to get up early to be at work or rush to get things together before for I have to go foe the night. Even though I was awake at 7 something this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. I laid their doing things on my phone for a while finally the little kids got up. We made the big kids get up they all got ready. Now we are just out wasting time not a lot to do other than haircuts and get a jacket.

A new store open over by my work at the mall. I think we are going to go over and check it out. Its an outlet store they buy or get things from the stores that close in the area. Just going to check it out see what they have.

 

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