Single___Parent___Life











{November 25, 2018}   My Ton of Bricks Moments 1

Im not going to fight with him not a man who has already put his hands on me. I am just going to shoot ask questions later when it’s said and done.

I lived with the abuse for years not because I was scared of him but more because I was embarrassed. I was a very independent, out going, out spoken person and i let myself get in that kind of situation and couldn’t get myself out of it.

If it came down to it I would not think twice about shooting him if he ever came after me again.

I don’t know why I have had the thought of him coming back in the picture and trying to do something to me. I had the though if he found out where I work he may try to come there knowing I am alone most the time. I want my guns out of pawn and I want to get my concealed carry. But that is going to take time.

I had the thought if I do I need to tell my bosses that I have it and carry it. Even about asking them if I can keep it there for the time being until I get my cc. If it is just something I keep at the office they allow it I am not carrying it on me. It is not illegal to have in my vehicle but I rather just keep it at work. So that if I was stopped or something then I would not have to worry about it being in my truck.

But I do not know how to approach it with my bosses or how they would feel about any of it. I know if he came there and started and the one boss was there he would not put up with it and would put a stop to it. He beat his ass an not think twice about it. A guy disrespects a women or abuses it is done.

I figure they will say there is this or that to protect myself but I am not he is to much bigger than me. By the time I could get close enough to him to do anything he could have a hold of me take it do what he wants. How do I make them or get them to understand why I want to do what I do? That is when I had the thought above about putting up with his abuse.

Later in the week I was thinking about stuff I have and things I need to do something with or put up. The though of how I just want to get rid of everything and everyone says how can you just have something one day get rid of it the next without a second thought? I wasn’t sure why. But between never having stuff because of him and losing everything else to pawn, being left in storage and things you just get to the point nothing means anything to you anymore. Its just stuff it can always be replaced.

I swing from one extreme to the other, i either keep everything or throw everything away or give it away. Just get rid of it all no matter what it is or worth.

I think it is because when I was with Father of the Year I never really had things. My things were always disappearing, coming up broke or given away. I guess it was a sick game to him. He thought it was funny or something.

I think now I want to do things use things or what so I hold onto them so I can. I really mean to and want to I am just so busy I rearly get to it. But no one can get rid of it or what because its my plce there is no one here to make my stuff disappear. I can keep it or do what I want. I know when I go to use it whenever that maybe it will be here. But then things pile up and I end up with junk everywhere.

Where as before I would have it no time go to use it and he had already done something with it. Now i have the stuff and no time.

But then I get tired of all the clutter and everything over all and throw it all out and get rid of it.

Like now I am tired of all the furniture and everything in the house I am fighting so hard not to toss it all out and start over. I want to but can’t afford to and want to wait until she is out of the house.

But those were my hit like a ton of bricks moment’s this last week.



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