I am in need of an adult time out for a week or two. I want to crawl out of my own skin. The two little ones have really been at eachother for days now. The dog will not listen no matter how much we try to show her and train her. She is in stuff 24/7. Then putting up with the bitch on top of it all. I am about ready to snap. Little bitty has been at her worst lately. Nothing I say or do matters try to be nice don’t work, punishment don’t work. It has been a struggle not to just bust her butt like she has never had before. I do not put up with the shit she been doing. I know a lot is going on but it don’t matter at this point she pushing to far and knows good and well what she is doing.

I am so over dealing with the bitch she is a huge reason things are the way they are everyone is in the mood they are in.

Feeling extremely lonely, unloved, uncared about, like a failure, depressed. Tired of being alone and doing this alone. Been thinking about Christmas coming up. Seen the gingerbread house kits in the store, started putting the tree up tonight all got me to thinking about this time last year. How things were then Sleeping Beauty coming to stay helping with things. They did the house’s and he helped with the tree and outside stuff. Everyone relaxed and had a nice time. When the kids got like they are he would step in and help. Or if I wanted to just get out he go for a ride or walk with me. We sit watch tv joke around or talk all hours of the night.

Its just makes me wish I could find someone like that to be more than friends with. Someone to have a future with. Someone to loves me and the kids and wants to do things to help and be with us.

It makes me wonder what is wrong with me? Why am I never good enough? Why don’t anyone want to be with me? Love me?

I try to figure out why I found someone who is everything and then some, but can’t be with him. Why he is so scared? Why he don’t see what we could have how we could grow together and be happy and better off? Or does he because he seems to in all the comments and talking he has done the last year. Hasn’t he seen I truly mean what I say and that I’m not like the rest? Why is he so scared to even sit down and talk?

If he isn’t it or it isn’t meant to be then why can’t I find someone or the one? It isn’t like I have stopped looking, talking or trying to meet people and just waiting on him. I am not going to wait for anyone or stop talking to others just because I am considering something with someone else. Once I find someone I want to have more with and they feel the same then I will. Until then I do what I want to do.

I just hate feeling this way. Lonely is one of the worst feelings ever.

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