{November 11, 2018}   Life Changes

I am having a lot of very conflicting feelings about a lot of things right now in life, with everything going on. I am feeling very restless with this new job and the new year approaching. With the new year coming up fast it brings with it decisions to be made. The biggest one being moving or renewing my lease. That brings up the question of if we move are we moving away or just to a different house in the area? If we aren’t going to move away do we really want to put effort into just moving to a different house? Is it worth moving to another house if we are not going to leave the area? What are the pros and cons of moving to a different house if we stay. Why are we going to stay and not move away? What are the pros and cons for that?

As much as I want to move away I feel that life is finally coming together and somewhat settling down for us for once. I have this new job and even though it isn’t enough to cover everything I have my other job and it is what it is for now. Most are working two jobs or have a roommate or something to get by it is what life is for most people right now and I am happy with both jobs I have right now if this is the way it has to be. I feel that maybe this is what I have been waiting for in order to get things together and be able to move on the terms I want to move on. Having money to go, being able to save money to go on and all that. That this is my time to get everything and everyone paid off, my truck gone through and the things big and small fixed on it or to just sell and get something else. To research and visit some places and check them out not go blind. These are all things I wanted to do but haven’t been able to do because I haven’t had the job or jobs to do it.

Then comes the fact that okay if we stay my lease is up do I stay in this house or do I try to find something different if I stay here? Pros for this house are it is under $1000 a month, it is 4 bedroom, it has a big yard, it is 3 doors down from the little kids school, I can have the dogs, it isn’t a horrible area, I am only 5 miles from one job and 10 from the other. Cons are the rent is going to go up at least $25 to $50 maybe more but I hope not. I will still be under $1000 but not to much under and could be at $1000 if they raise it more. They fix things but not everything since this new person has taken over. The yard is not fenced in at all so I have to have a pin for the dogs and they don’t have much room to get out since they have to be in it. The guy across the street that has been seen messing around my house and been in trouble. I am ready for a change.

I have found some houses that are 3 bedroom that are nicer and under a $1000 or right at it. But the kids would have to change schools and they wouldn’t be so close to walk. Them being able to walk is a big one so that the older kids can get them to and from school so I can work. I will be further from both jobs. As for rent I will be paying about the same in rent as I will if I stay where I am and rent goes up, maybe a little more but not much. I feel that if I am going to be working my ass off and paying almost the same then I should get us a nicer place and maybe have more room and I would not move if the yard was not fenced in. So the dogs would be able to get out like they should and the kids could go out even if I wasn’t home. I don’t like them going out now when I am not there because of people that walk and drive around there and the fact that they are always running off the road into to peoples yards into their cars, fences and everything else. The little ones are just that little and don’t always think or will run after the dog or a ball or something if it went out into the street. I don’t want the dogs getting away when I am not there.

At the same time I feel like would it really be worth it? Even if it was nicer, fenced in and close to schools and met all we wanted it to or close to it. Is the hassle of packing moving and all that really worth it? If this works why not just stay and keep plugging along. I just feel it is time to move on from here one way or another be it move off or just move to another house in the area. I have felt this for a while, that we are not supposed to stay here anymore. That we need to get out as soon as we can. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like this chapter is done whatever it is or was and it is time to start a new one and it wasn’t meant to be here. I have even thought about trying to buy something here if I stay to get my payments down lower and to get into something else. Then if or when I decide to move sell it or rent it out. I would give my sister first option at moving in it if she wanted to with her family. If not then I would consider renting it out if I could find a good renter that wanted to sign a lease for a few years. I let BFF rent it if she wanted to and my sister didn’t. Other than that I wouldn’t probably rent to anyone I knew. I would have someone local that would keep and eye on the place go over check it out do a walk through every so often and things like that. Just to make sure it isn’t being messed up. Because I know when people know or think the owners are not in town they feel they can get away with more than if they are in town.

I just need to decide because I need to figure out and let them know something at my house if I plan to move and I need to start getting ready and start looking for places or checking with agents to try and find something. If I am really looking to buy I need to start that process now because anyone that has done that knows it can take months. I think maybe I will talk to an agent and see if there is a chance at buying or if that is something I should just forget right now. Then decide from there.

I don’t want to move away either because I just started this new job and love it and they love me and it is what I have been looking for and I hate to in a few months go oh sorry I’m leaving. Leave them stuck looking to hire someone new again and train them and things.

I don’t know I just feel that at this point in life if they keep me and I keep my other job and things that this is where I am supposed to be and this is what I been trying to get so that I can get everything in order to move away like I wanted to. I just have to really feel the time is right and not like I am just jumping and going with little to no resources and things. I feel like that I have not hit that point yet. This is going to give me the time to do that. Think I am going to go look at houses for sale and rent see what is out there.

{November 11, 2018}   Work Ramblings

I have tomorrow off from my new job because they are closed for the holiday and I am off from my other job because I only work Thursday through Sunday there. Why it is nice to have the day off with the kids all I can think about is losing that days pay. The fact that we have Thanksgiving next week and I will be losing a days pay there as well. We ware going to work Black Friday at both jobs I am okay with that because I don’t really shop that day anyway. If I really need anything I will probably go late after I get off work from my Beach Job Thanksgiving night and get it. With missing work I don’t think I am going to have money to shop anyway. I will have all my bills paid I think and should have some money to the good once the first rolls around. But it is just balancing everything between checks until I get things caught up and I get that one lump sum the first of the month. I have some money left from this check but it is only Sunday. I need to get a few things at the store. I need to pay car insurance and water I think I will be caught up. it will have to come out of my check next week.

I was a day short this check at my one job and two hours short at my new job. I didn’t get a bounce at my new job. I am not sure if they are upset about something or what. They keep telling me how great I am doing the dad keeps saying how happy they are with me and things. Bff said probably with everything going on with the mom and things and them being so busy. I know one was there and put my pay in the other wasn’t there yet so maybe he was going to get with him and see how much they were going to give me and give it to me later. Because most the time I get there first and I go in the back. When I got there Friday I didn’t even bother to walk around and see if they were there and had open the front door I just stopped and went in the back. The one owner was there he came out of the shop to see what was going on. He said oh I didn’t know if we would be here when you got here or if we would be back so your pay is in the top desk draw there. I said oh okay and thanks. When the other got there I don’t even think I seen him or talked to him he came in the other said something and they left. I just seen it was him that came in on the camera but he never made it back to the office they were running late just left.

It’t three big areas one my office is in the back the shop where they sharpen is in the middle between me and the lobby/store front. So we have a loud alarm on the door and camera’s up. We can see the camera’s on a tv that is on the wall across from my desk so that we aren’t jumping up and running in there every time one of us goes in and out or comes in we can see if it is a customer and we need to go up there.

I want to move my desk but I don’t know if they are going to be to open to that. They talk about how hot his mom kept it in there and I heard the one say to the other she keeps it hot in here like your mom. They were in the shop working. He wasn’t being mean or anything, just it gets hot in there where they are when they are in there moving and things going and all. They are guys and hot anyway. I told them before keep it at whatever you want to keep it at I am always colder than most and that is why I have my jacket with me it won’t bother me any. But when they are not there all day and it is just me I keep it turned up to around 75/76. But I noticed the other day it is not wonder she kept it so warm and why I keep turning it up even when I have my jacket on. The air vent is a big square one and it is right over my chair where I sit not even my desk but my chair and blows right down on me. It did her too and I am sure that is why she probably kept it so warm as well. Because as soon as it comes on and is on for a couple minutes it is cold blowing right on you like that.

I want to move the desk to a different spot in the room so it isn’t blowing right on me and I could keep it cooler because I find even at 75/76 I am kicking it up when it comes on to keep it from blowing on me. But we have two of the long tables that go with the desk set up behind it for the printers and things. We have limited space to work with between them the desk and the chair that is in there and then the bathroom and the door for it. I was thinking I could move the desk to face sideways where I would be looking into the shop and the bathroom off to the side of it. Then move Pop’s chair over by where my desk was but I don’t think it is going to work the more I think about it. There is a long strip with all the outlets on it for everything right beside my desk, it don’t look to be to many other outlets in the room. But we have a guy coming to put one in sometime this week I think so we could get another one if we need it and figure it out soon. He is a friend of the boss so it isn’t really costing him anything and they were already talking about getting another one in the shop so I don’t think they would have a problem with getting one in the office too.

I think I am going to bring it up to them the next time the three of us are there. I’m just going to say hey I noticed something and not sure if there is a way to fix it or not. It isn’t a big deal to me but, you all say me and your mom keep it hot in here or really warm. Have you noticed that our chair sits right under the vent and it is blowing on us all day every-time it comes on. We just reach over and flip it higher without even thinking about it. See what they say and just say maybe we could move things around a little bit so we aren’t sitting under it and it will be cooler in the shop and store.

Right now I am sitting here at my escape room job been here just over and hour and not had one phone call and not one room is booked for the day. I am so board and have way to much time to sit here and think about everything.

Like the new lady here at this job that I don’t care for. She don’t like it here so she isn’t into it and not doing what she should be or trying like she should putting the effort in I guess is what I am looking for. Last night we had all three new people come in and take over for me at 5 when I was getting off. I understand let them get use to things and have each other to help out. The one Lynn that is supposed to know all of it but one room does nothing. None of them know the one room that I had here starting at 5 so I ended up staying an extra hour and half to run the room and then get the birthday party after started. Well I got the room done and out and the birthday party showed up early. I got them checked in, and our one new girl said she didn’t know a lot she was just starting and still trying to really learn it all I said okay that is fine understandable thanks for telling me so I can work with that. I ask the other younger new girl. She said she thought she could give the rules and back story and get them started but there was a few things she has questions about and it would be her first time she was worried about missing something or not doing something right. I asked Lynn if she knew it and she said yes. I said okay I have to get out of here, She will do it you just go in with her listen in and if she misses anything then you can go over it at the end and if she has any questions she can ask you without having to come up front and leave the group. I said since you don’t know it at all and still learning to the other girl I am going to have you watch the front counter and the room that is going. I said you know how to run that room and you can greet customers if they come in or answer the phone and they will be out in just a few minutes you will be good. I said we will get you back there and trained some more soon. I said but once she can do that part on her own after a time or two then we can start sending you in with one of them to learn and let one of them stay at the counter. The next thing I know I look and Lynn is up here hanging out with her energy drink in her hand watching what is going on up here and just hanging out not doing anything to help anything up here. Then the girl that is doing the rules and back story on the room is calling from the room needing help. I looked at her and said you may want to take that since you were supposed to be back there helping her I am clocked out and have to get out of here, my kids are waiting and I already been here and hour and half past my time to get off. She didn’t like it but she got on there and and answered her. I already told the boss how she skipped outside and stayed for over and hour the night before when she was supposed to of left then came in and sat for another 30 minutes when I said we can go lets get out of here she said oh I am going to wait for the last 7 minutes. She should of went home at 10 and it was now 11:30. How she wasn’t interested really in learning the room and how to run it. I think he thinks I am just complaining because she is new but I’m not or because I don’t like her and that isn’t it either. I am complaining because she isn’t doing her job and really don’t want to. She has no plan of staying so we are wasting our time training her and she is halfassing the job and doing no more than she has to in order to get by because she don’t like it and don’t want to be here. Just like when I ask her the other night the first time we really have worked together how she is liking it so far she said it’s a job that is about it. I ask her last night something she said I am a massage therapist and I just came here from such and such I am waiting to get everything switched over to here so I can get back to work doing that. Then she says I got to find something besides here I can’t live on 20 hours a week. Every few minutes she is in the bathroom when we have customers and she should be up here helping and doing things. Or the other night outside when I think she is gone and she is supposed to be clocked out. Then sit here longer and say I am waiting right up until x time to clock out. She made the comment that if I wanted to leave early the nights we work together I can she will close. I told her no I need my hours and it isn’t worth it for me to come over here and then leave early I may as well not come at all. So she knew I was staying and that we were dead and didn’t need two people here. It is fine to be outside sitting at the tables for a few minutes here or there. Me and the other girls would once in a while when it was dead or they would go out and sit smoke and come back in but not when your supposed to be clocked out and going home and not when we have customers and things. I don’t know I know the boss isn’t going to get rid of her because she is the only one that is just about 100% trained and can run things other than me and him but he needs to get these other girls trained up and if we need that 3rd person get rid of this one and get someone who wants to work in here and trained so that when we really need them we have them. Because she isn’t going to be here long and probably be leaving right when we are going to need her the most and I am not giving up my hours and days and can’t pick up more right now. With the three girls here I shouldn’t have to this place should run smooth with the 4 of us and him if he gets someone else who wants to work not just looks at it as a job. I look at a lot of my jobs as it’s a job but I still bust my ass and get it done get it done right and treat it like any other job that I want to keep if they are treating me good. She just seems very flip it and not really caring. It isn’t fair or right to these two other new girls that are here like the job want the job hours and want to work. Now they are tossed in with her and she isn’t working with them and giving them the help and support they need. I am not in charge in no way shape or form so I couldn’t really say anything about what she did last night and not staying or going in there with her. She can say I shouldn’t of told her to go or done it that way but I can do that kind of thing to help everyone out and make things run as smooth as possible for them since they are going to be by their self and they are in training and she is the one here to help them and train them. It is more of a this is how things need to be done and how boss would want them and what he is looking for. I am sure he will be fine with it as well he always says make it run smooth and keep it going without stressing yourself or having unhappy customers. I most the time end up stressing myself to keep customers happy and have the business but i am pulling back and starting to do things better and trying to help them be able to come in and take control and not let customers rule things and know how to do their job.

Guess I better get off here and go find something to look somewhat busy. I been sitting here doing nothing for hours now. But they know everything is pretty much done that can be done if we have no customers I can’t help that. But the owner still gets a little snippy if we are just sitting at times. He knows it is just stress of not making the money.

{November 10, 2018}   Raising Hell Again

She has been at it again. I work up Thursday with her arguing with Big Boy. Then come in my room yelling at me that I better do something with him how he talks to her and blah, blah on and on. I just told her not to come in there and start with me and start yelling at me and she got all mad she wasn’t yelling him this and that. I said you started on him, your minding his business and yelling at him. No I’m not she screams, that she is going to call the police because of him yelling at her and slamming doors. I said there is nothing they are going to do. Yes there is he can’t just do that you need to teach him better. I said it’s funny your the only one he dose it with. Because you don’t make him do anything I am the only one that does. I said I don’t have to make him do anything I tell him and he does it or better yet I ask him then if he don’t I tell him. I don’t scream yell, and tell him what he better do and that he better do it right now this way and stand over him why he does it. I said you have no reason to be telling him to do anything or to be yelling at him and doing what you are doing and if you were at anyone else house you wouldn’t be with their kids either you aren’t here and if you do and he talks to you that way that is on you. You have no say. Then she starts about when she calls the police they will make me do something with him blah blah bullshit. I said whatever your crazy and you may just get to see who see’s what if you want to do that and try to cause problems here. I already told you I will bring down anyone and everyone if you even try to start shit for me. I am not worried because I know I have done nothing wrong and there is nothing anyone is going to do or say because there is nothing wrong. But I know that the rest can’t say that.

I get home after working both jobs and go to bed, with in hours I am woke up with her raising hell with my oldest. All over one of them cleaned up from the dog being sick hours earlier then they went out just then and put the clothes in the drier out of the washer. Mind  you they had washed probably a million times since they cleaned it up they used paper towels, they have been to the bathroom so had to wash their hands eaten dinner washed their hands before and after so their hands were more than clean. It had been HOURS. But she is freaking out they need put back in the washer and rinsed. What good is rinsing them going to do if they have something on them from when they did this I do not know. If they are dirty from this like you say then I would think they would need to be rewashed to get them cleaned. But she is raising hell she had better go take them out put them in the washer and rinse them right this minute. Again I tell her they are fine they don’t need done to leave her alone and stop raising hell in my house. She starts about how dirty it is and how she don’t want to catch something from what they just did because she has to wash her clothes out there too. How she has this horrible infection on her face now and can’t get rid of it. Looks like pimples to me and it comes and goes like pimples and it is so horrible she has never once tried to go to the doctor about it to see what it is. If it is something so horrible and she caught it from drying her clothes in the drier, touching things in the house or just being in the house like she says then why hasn’t some of the rest of us caught it? We are so filthy and dirty like she say, and how did she catch it when she washes her hands for 20 minutes every time she touches something? We wash like normal people and we are not sick and don’t have anything wrong.

Last night she starts about eating she hasn’t eaten in days hardly. I don’t know how many days it has been but it is not my problem. She is a grown adult with a truck and knows other people besides me to do for her. I have been in and out of the house every day and to the store about everyday and she always says she don’t want anything or makes and excuse. Don’t know what it was the other night she didn’t get anything. Then last night she ask me to stop on my way home and get her something from the chicken place. This after I told her I was not going to go to the store for her anymore at all in the middle of the night when I was woke up because of her raising hell over the washer. I say okay but by the time I get there they are closed. I figure she should know this she sits at home on her computer looking these places up trying to decide what she wants and from where. Then she says well where else is there? I say such and such back across town where I just came from and that is about it that I know of. She says forget it she guess she don’t want anything. I ask if she wants something from there or not I am over there not going back. She won’t even get on the phone that is fine with me but it is aggravating. She tells oldest no tell me forget it she didn’t want anything it has been days now but she don’t know where there is to get as late as it is, something about me going to work and everything. Like I am supposed to be there at her call to get her something. She then waits until she knows I am over the bridges and about home to call me and say something. I told her just that I was already almost home now. She started about me saying something about it being back across town and not wanting to go. I said I also ask what you wanted before I got this far so I could go back then. You ask for stuff from places knowing what time it is and don’t bother to see if they are open or how late they are going to be open no I don’t want to run back and forth across town when you could check and I could go to one place and not backtrack ten times. Well whatever I guess I will go. I said okay bye and hung up. I was not going back across two towns to get her food and coming back again at that point. I picked oldest up to go to the store ask if she wanted something from there. They have cold subs and things if your hungry you will get something. but she can’t eat them they had a recall on something that is on them them months ago so they are contaminated. She can’t cook in the microwave because it is contaminated even though it has been bleached out a zillion times. The kitchen has been bleached down I don’t know how many times but it isn’t fit for her to cook in. Then I guess she will be hungry. It isn’t good enough for her because it isn’t bleached down every night. We cook we eat we use our kitchen we wipe it down every night to get the stuff up. Sometimes oldest don’t and I have to get her to when I get home but it isn’t like it is so dirty you can’t cook in it.

I got home talked with the kids a bit and went to bed. In a little while I hear her in there telling oldest something. Then I hear her say if I pass out and don’t come to before someone gets here to help tell them I haven’t been able to eat for days now or hardly eat in days my sugar levels are probably rock bottom low that is what is wrong with me. Something about drinking a soda or something to help keep it up there some. She was just like oh okay she stomped off went back to the bedroom. I didn’t say anything or even go out there. I’m not playing her game. I do not care if she sits there and don’t eat for a month if she gets sick and has to call them to come and get her and she can tell them all she wants that she hasn’t eaten. They are going to look at her and go is that your truck out there? Is that your phone? Have they been to the store and could of picked you something up? You are able to get up walk around. You could of gotten in your truck and went to get something, you could of called one of your other kids to come bring you something or to take you to get something. You really feel that you are being mistreated you could of called us before now. Just to much that she can try to say what she wants and try to get something started anyway she can there are to many holes in her her tries it is laughable. Plus every doctor she has been to has commented on her mental state or her mental health and she told me the other day they have in her records before that she denies an eating disorder so whatever she was to try and pull would just re enforce what they already think about her not reflect on me. It will probably help me get her out of my house as well.

I try not to fight with her and just ignore her but when she starts on the kids and things I can’t not say anything. If she don’t eat or whatever it isn’t my problem. But when it comes to them I have to step in at times. We all 5 have talked about it and how she has a mental illness and that unless she gets help for it she is going to be this way. That it is on her not us and that we can’t force her to get help but that we do have to sit back and let her treat us the way she is. Ignore her for the most part but when she gets like she does demanding, yelling and screaming you can’t just give in and do what she wants when there is no reason for it.

It is sad that people walk around this way and there is nothing that you can do to make them get help. But then there is that fine line of how much can you make someone do before it is taking their rights away. But if they are ill like this and not thinking right and living an unhappy life should we not step in? She knows something is wrong but she don’t think this not buying, cooking or eating food in the house is because of whatever is wrong, she don’t think that needing to rinse things because of germs is normal and we are all the one with the problem. She knows everything and all that. So I guess if she wants to live in a bubble and be unhappy the rest of her life she can do it because once she is out of my house I am not going to be around her anyway. I know I have mental health problems but mine don’t affect others I live unhappy and miserable and deal if I don’t or can’t take my meds. If or when it starts affecting others then I do something about it. She just looks at it as everyone else has the problem and she is fine nothing at all wrong with her. But she is the one that no one at all wants to or will help. The one that don’t really have friends and who don’t leave the house or have anything. She just can’t seem to see this. Oh well it is her life she just needs to get out of my house and forget who me and my kids are and leave us alone to live our lives and hope that her other kids step up and help her or she figures out how to do it herself since there is nothing wrong with her and it is everyone else. Guess I better go reset these rooms and get ready for these groups getting ready to come in.


{November 9, 2018}   Fun With Friends

Tuesday night I took the kids to the fair like me and Sleeping Beauty were supposed to do. We ended up meeting Bff there with her kids and my old boss from the shop. The older kids all took off on their own and went on rides. Her younger three and 3 of mine stayed with us. My oldest Big Boy don’t like to ride most the the rides so he just walks around and watches some of the shows.

My younger son the dare devil wants to go on all  the rides no matter what they do or how fast they go or how high. Then there is my Little Bitty she wants to go on a lot of them but a lot she wont go on and some they wouldn’t let her go on. Lucky for Dare Devil one of Bff’s kids who stayed with us likes to go on all those same rides he likes.

We first go there I took my three and one of hers on the horses and we rode those. They went in a few of the fun houses and things like that. Then we made out way over to the rock n roller the three boys were going to go on together and my and the two girls were going to ride together. Well they stopped the boys and wouldn’t let BFF’s son go on with my two boys. They told him he was to short. I was right behind them and told the guy I would take him on with my and Little Bitty and he said that was fine. So her daughter rode by herself because she was big enough so that everyone could ride.

Then we were by the Zipper and her daughter wanted to go on but they wouldn’t let her because she was by herself. So Dare Devil said he would go on with her. I figured they were going to say no because he wasn’t an adult and younger than her but they let him on. I guess they have some rule that they have to have two people in the car so she was alone everyone else was with someone they didn’t have anyone to put her with so they told her she couldn’t go. But let him go on with her since he was big enough and wanted to go. From there they got off and went on the boat thing that swings back and forth then right over to the Ring of Fire.

Dare Devil got off the ring of fire and the look on his face said it all. All of a sudden he dropped to his knees and it was over from there he puked everywhere. I reach down and snatched him up. I was trying to keep him from puking in the middle of where everyone walks and all over himself. I got him over out of the way a little more but not much and he puked again. After that he didn’t go on anymore rides for a while. He went with Big Boy and watched some shows then he went on a few of the kidder rides.

On the way home he said little kids go on these rides thinking they are going to be so much fun and then they get on them and they are terrifying. I said but then you go get on the next one and the next one after that it don’t stop you from getting on. He said yeah I know but I don’t think I am ever riding the Ring of Fire again in my life. I don’t want to puke no more. Little

Bitty had a blast even though they wouldn’t let her get on some of the rides she wanted to go on. Some she probably could of went on but I wasn’t willing to get on them with her.

I did take them on the ferris wheel I wasn’t feeling that at all. Sometimes I am okay with them sometimes I am not. They didn’t have the one I like. I don’t like any but I can go on it better than the other.

The one above is the ones I like to ride if I am going to.

These are what they had. Something about everyone being spread out around it and the way your down in it bothers me. Sends my anxiety through the roof. But my babies wanted to ride so I took them. Suck it up and adult.

{November 9, 2018}   Still Unread and No Response

I don’t know what to think Sleeping Beauty still hasn’t read the message that I sent him almost a week ago. Lot of times he has read it by now even if he don’t reply. I am wondering if he wasn’t able to read it or most of it where it shows you a preview on your phone and that is why he hasn’t read it yet. He don’t want it to show he has read it for whatever reason. I really don’t know what to think. He hasn’t been on line since before he went to sleep that day.

I was stressing when I sent it and couldn’t believe I really did it and finally put it out there. I was kind of on pins and needles and stressed about what he will say or how he is going to respond. But honestly that only last a short time. Now it is like a relief that it is out there and now to just go on with life as normal and forget it. If he responds he responds if he don’t he don’t. But I have decided that if he don’t and he just hits me up like nothing like he normally does I’m going to say something and call him out. I figure if he finally reads it he will say something about it not just ignore it.

If he don’t and I call him out on it I figure he is going to try and say he don’t know what I am talking about and he didn’t get it. If he does I think I am going to say oh well here you go let me send it again.

I am just glad I am not stressing over it like I was. I am to that point what is done, is done nothing to do about it now. Honestly I think I am prepared for his answer whatever it maybe. If he wants to get together and go from there okay if not I think I will be okay with that too. I am not sure I would have been as okay with either one the night I sent it and hope that I really am if when it comes down to it. But right now I think I am. If he really don’t want to get together and go from there I do hope that we can still stay friends.

{November 9, 2018}   A Long Sad Day

No one was there when I got to work this morning so I opened and turned everything on and got to work. In a little bit the owners dad came it. We will call him Pop. So when I talk about pop that’s who it is.

He got right to work then came talked to me some. We had a customer and he went after they left and found something to keep himself busy. In a little bit he came sat back down. We talked some he was talking about his wife. He said he is 74 she is 68. He said I am supposed to go first why I married younger. She isn’t supposed to have all these problems.

In a little bit he said he was going to go so he could go see her. If a big order came in call him. If it was just small stuff he would get it later. I told him I would tell them all they could pick it up tomorrow.

It is so sad you can tell he is so worried and lost. He said I heard the C word I don’t remember anything else that was said hardly. He said she has had it so ruff the last few weeks.

I feel so bad he will come sit he just sits don’t say a lot. You can tell it is consuming him he feels so bad. I feel so bad for him. Its so very sad. Makes me want to cry. Reminds me of my grandpa when my grandma was so sick and then passed. They were 75 it wss so very hard on him. You can tell he really cares and they are close. He keeps going between the shop and the hospital. I told him we are good just spend time with her but I think its hard for her being there seeing her but then he feels bad not being being there.

It has been hard on me the last few days with all this going on thinking about my dad, grandpa and other family member’s.

I love my job its perfect in just about every way. It is what I have wanted for a long time. But this is not how or why I wanted to end up in this job and would rather not have it. But if it has to be……

I am just trying to figure out why I have been brought into this situation. What am I supposed to do, see, or get out of it or do for them or what. Its brought up a lot from my past that is hard for me. I have been trying to push it down and stuff it but it has been hard. I cried a little today between all that I am dealing with and seeing him. He was in the shop I don’t think he seen me. I feel I should be doing something or saying something. I don’t know what. I feel helpless. We sat and talked about all kinds of stuff Wednesday before they called and said they found the tumor on the brain and he left. I felt I needed to be working but he come in and sat and we started talking. Today about 4 I said something he ask what days i was booking for how many more I needed. I said next Thursday i needed 2 and to book fri and saturday. He said take a break relaxe you been busy. We just kind of sat there playing on our phones talking a little. He got a call i cashed the draw out dropped the money. I locked up turned everything off went back in the office. It was about 5/10 til 5. He was on the phone with his wife. I was just going to tell him everything was locked up I would see him tomorrow. He told her he would be there in a bit the new girl was pushing him out and going home and laughed. He hung up we were walking out. He said I sure hope she is going to be okay. I said she will. He went to his car. He was headed back to her when I passed him going to work. It is just so sad she is going through this and him too.

{November 6, 2018}   Almost a Day and a Half

It has been over 24 hours since I sent that message to Sleeping Beauty. He hasn’t even read it yet. BFF keeps saying maybe his phone died, maybe something happen to it, maybe he is sick and making excuses for him. I kind of yelled at her told her to stop making excuses for him none of them would work anyway. Because if his phone isn’t working it will just show a text was sent not that it was delivered and unread or read once he does. She says she knows she thinks he just needs time that he is still trying to figure things out and that he don’t even know what I said in the message he isn’t avoiding that. If he reads it then don’t reply then get mad.

My other bff J says he isn’t ready to give me what I need and although he is interested knows he has work to do on himself right now. That he may never be ready or able to be the right person for me.

They both say he don’t have things together as much as I do and that is what intemadaites him. He is trying to figure out how he would fit into our lives. Because I have a house, a vehicle, my kids with me, work and everything. He is kind of starting crom the ground up. It isn’t like I don’t know it. I know where he is, I know what he has and don’t have. I honestly do not see either one of us really as being better off than the other. If I had to say one was I would say it would be him in way. Because I have these things and can’t even keep the basics paid on time and always behind. One slip up that I can’t beg or borrow my way out of and I am homeless on the street sleeping in my truck. He don’t have all the bills but he has a roof over his head he has a decent place to stay he can afford and family to help and support him.

I don’t have that it is me and my kids and that is it. I don’t have family to help or support me. I can’t get them to help with kids so I can work or go to school or nothing.

Like I told them I am trying and doing the best I can do right now. He is doing what he needs to do for him right now and to get his life where it needs to be and he wants it to be. He isn’t just sat down and given up. He is happy for the most part with his life even being single he isn’t like others who feel they have to have someone to do for and get approvals from in order to be happy and live life. He has goals ideas and things. Although he may not be bringing material things to the table he still brings a lot to the table. I may bring material things to the table but I also bring a lot of other things with it. Like 4 kids to be taken care of, in everyway shape and form. They need that male roll model, that father figure, that male authority person. They need clothes, food, a home. Yeah I am struggling and providing it but when someone comes into my life if/when we end up living together down the road they are taking on my kids as well.

He may not have the material things but he is that person who will help fix things around the house, fix the truck, he will jump in there and be that person the kids need in their life. He will help them get up their Christmas things and take them shopping, he go fishing with them for class and he will tell them when they are doing wrong and what they need to do. He will love them and have their best interest in mind. We will supoort eachother and make goals and work towards them and make the things we want to happen happen. He brings that balance we are missing in our lives. We would give him the family he wants.

I think that for him it is really just to good to be true in his eyes. Just like when I got with RC it was just to good to be true. It wasn’t but we both let things get between us. I knew we were having problems but he let her get to him because we stop communicating.

Like I told them if he read it and said why the fuck would you think I want more with you other than friends? That be fine if he said don’t talk to me again I don’t know where you get this idea from? That be fine and I would be okay with that. Him not reading it and not giving a reply is what gets to me. I hate waiting. I don’t want to be hit with it out of no where in a few days or week when I am least expecting it and not ready or able to talk at the time.

Then there is my friend juggernaut he kind of just chew me up over it all yesterday. I need to find better guys and why am I messing with him and there are guys infront of me that would give me anything and everything and I am just to blind to see it. And these guys I talk to and how they are what they are. I know he is interested but he is not someone I would even consider. He don’t work, he has a wife, he just cheated on her with some girl she is pregnant he says, he was leaving to go be with her she got mad at him. He all the time going out drinking and been bad into the drugs and things. Just not what I am looking for. He is about 6 years younger than me as well. No way what I am looking for I see no kind of anything with him. Not a future or building with him or anything like that. He isn’t even someone i want to just date or anything like that. He okay as a friend that is it.

I just would like him to read what I sent and get some kind of reply, then I know something at least. Because right now he is the only one that I am interested in and can see a future or anything with.

{November 5, 2018}   Missing Everyone

I have missed reading all of y’alls post and what is going on with everyone. It will probably be another few days before I will get to start catching up. But I promise I will and thank you for sticking around. Getting a new routine down, learning my new job and now changing my just set up routine all around has kept me busy.

Day 5 at my new job and I am still loving it. Last week right away I worked up a system for mapping my routes and keeping track of everywhere I called per an area. But it ended up with me printing 5 to 10 pages an area so 20 to 40 pages a day give or take. I do this everyday.

By Friday I was booked through Wednesday of this week and seeing it was such a waste of paper and ink. Even if I flipped it over printed on the back. It still a lot of paper and ink. I decided to go on office and try to make it so I have to write very little if anything and so I do not have to print. And make my system a little easier to use. I had names and numbers on three sheets and addresses on two listed by letter. I have to cross them to make sure I had the right address.

I found the one thet printed me to use but it was in excel. I have a hard time using it with all the extra grid around you don’t use and the one they made looked very choppy on it. There really wasn’t room for me to add what I needed or how I wanted it.

I went over to word and found a template right away I could add and chang to make just what I wanted. I played with it a while got it just how I wanted. Then played forever with it trying to get it to copy and paste without messing formatting up in the table. I tried everything could not do it.

The guys came in I asked them the one that handles the computer part said he wasn’t sure he tried a few things. He told me the other was there but I showed him I made what I needed just needed a blank copy so I can start new ones each time. He said he would mess with it see if he could get it or make me a new one in excel was telling me how it worked. I told him I knew I just liked this one better it worked better for me.

I asked and founout how to copy the one I made. I knew how I knew it was simple. I just could not remember for the life of me. When I figured it out I was so aggervated.

I got to work this morning and the guys were out. I tried to do stuff with my table it had been locked. I finally got a copy I could edit and things and went to work. The guys called later the one who was going to try and fix it told me he figured away for me to fill if in then delete everything and start over. Not what I was looking for but it would work if it was all we could work out. But the way I figured out to copy the file lets me save each route and list for each area and then open a clean list and start over. This way I can go back call the ones who didn’t need us last time and see if they are ready or the ones I had no answer at or didn’t get to. I think this will be much better and best part nothing printed or hand written.

I got one list made and my ones for the rest of the week started with my first apointments from returning calls from the weekend.

They still seem pleased with me even though i messed up a few calls and appointments by confusing days. This should cut down that issues as well. They didn’t seem mad even though it was over 50 miles from home. But I was tossed in with nothing and told to put all this together. Plus book out Wednesday last week on. I didn’t think I messed up that big but i guess i did. I feel bad but it happens when your learning. They aren’t worried I’m not stressing over it just lnow to watch better now.

I am working Sunday–Friday 10 to 5 and Saturday 9 to 5, plus 6 to close Thursday and Friday nights. I need to see what days we are closed here and see what days I can pick up extra hours at my beach job. I had another job offer today at a bail bonds place. But I had to say no it is day hours when I am at my other job. I don’t want to get burnt out. I like my days and hours set up.

Well last night now I guess since it is after 2 a.m. The other day I told you how me and Sleeping Beauty had been talking again and he is supposes to go to the fair with me and the kids.

Well Friday we were talking off and on about this and that like we always do. I said something about being sore and tired. He said he would give me a good massage but something may happen. I said something he said a happy ending. I said one of those we were warned about. He said something about me liking it or something. I just made a smerk like face. He said what talk to me?. Didn’t say anything. He said what if I was giving you a massage you wouldn’t let it happen? I said. No, swapping massages was one thing but sex was another. That he knew i was looking for more than that. He said i know. I said seems to be all anyone is looking for anymore no one knows what a real relationship is. He said I do. I said me to. So what are you trying to say? I haven’t heard a word back. I messaged a few more times that nigh then yesterday. He has read it but no response. I called left a message when i got off told him i wanted to talk about Tuesday’s plans. Still nothing.

Today I have been thinking about this it how it is all the time. We talk the conversation turns into something else all of a sudden I don’t hear from him again. Then it is as if nothing was said. We make plans or start to then don’t hear from him. I was talking to bff today she like he scared of his feelings. I said yep thinking samething. She said he don’t know what to say or do scared of what is going to happen. I thought about it all evening making dinner and things. I sat down and wrote him a message and sent him. It hasn’t been read yet but it was late by the time I was able to start it then I read it change it read change until i finally just stop and sent it. It kind of long but like I told him not something i wanted to say or do on the phone or text but looks like only way its going to happen.

This is what I said……………….

What is going on with you? We talk everything is fine then the conversation comes around to something like the other night and you disappear and I don’t hear from you for days weeks. Then its as if nothing was ever said until something comes up again. Or you say lets do something and then back out or have an excuse or again I don’t hear from you.

You hint around and make comments, when you know what I am looking for and want. But you don’t say more. Then tell me to talk to you. I don’t know what you want me to say or you are looking to hear.

I honestly don’t think sex is all your looking for, but I don’t know why you won’t say what you are. Other than I think someone has gotten through your high ass thick walls as you say and your scared to admit it.

Scared to let someone in again, scared of getting close, scared of getting hurt. Scared of being the first to really say it and put it out there and of being rejected and losing or messing up a friendship.

I don’t know, I have wanted to talk to you for awhile and planned to the few times you said lets go to the beach or take off lets go out. Then you back out. This is not a conversation I wanted to have on the phone or in text. But it seems the only way it is going to be had. Unless I really hunt you down and cuff you 😜.

I am just done I don’t want to beat around the bush and hint around or whatever anymore.

So I will be the one to put it out there and risk being rejected, ignored and hurt.

I have told you, you’re my friend and I care about you. Honestly I care about you more than friends and have for awhile. I care about you the person, not what you can give me or do for me or anything like that. I want you for you, to spend time with, do things together, to work with and grow with to make eachother better and have better.

Like I said this is something I have thought long and hard about and picked apart and tried to find any and every reason not to and even figured when you stopped talking a few times feelings would change. But they haven’t. I couldn’t figure out why I fought it so much but I have because I am scared too. Someone got through my wall. Now I can keep fighting it and trying to ignore it or I can let them in. I have decided that it’s worth the risk of being hurt again and to let them in and see what happens.

There was more I wanted to say but it was already long enough so I left it at that. It was around 11 when I sent it so I figure he was sleeping. I didn’t know until the other day he is going to work an hour or two earlier than before. So between time to get ready and the drive he is getting up pretty early. He goes to bed around 9.

I figure he will get it in the morning when he gets up. I really don’t know if thats a good or bad thing. I really hoped to get it to him before he fell a sleep. But it was so late when I got started. I knew if I did not send it tonight I would probably back out. I want it out there once and for all. Now I can’t sleep and I have work in the morning and kids to get to school. It is going to be on my mind until he replies and if he don’t, I don’t know how I am going to feel.

et cetera
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