{January 29, 2019}   Why Not Starfish

While writing my other post it made me think of something else. It made me think of Starfish and his comments and things about wanting to hook up. I just refuse and tell him no. I tell him I want more he knows I want more and that I am not looking to just hook up. Comments have been made about having a friend and things. But I don’t want that.

One I am not looking to be “friends” with everyone that comes along that kind of defeats the reason of having a friend, don’t it? When me and my “friend” started doing this I was interested in something more if it went there at the time but also open to just whatever. I was just getting away from Father of the Year and wasn’t sure what or who I wanted to be with if anyone. I just wanted someone to talk to, do things with so when he wasn’t looking for anything more that was okay. I had a lot to deal with and work out and things just coming out of a relationship.

When I went to see my old friend when he wanted to go out I was interested in him but really wasn’t sure how I felt about him all together I didn’t know him that well like I did my Friend. But was open to dating getting to know him and seeing where it went. Just not in the way things ended up I guess. But it did and I never really expected them to end up like this but they did. I do like him but I still don’t know if I see us being more than what we are now. I am still not sure about that or how I feel about that.

Then there was Mr. To Broken that I knew from the first time I seen him and the one time we went out that it would never be anything at all other than a friends and nothing more than friends. No kind of relationship at all there.

There have been others that I have talked to or who have talked to me and wanted to go out. I didn’t go or just knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere or it didn’t.

With Starfish it was different, with him I had seen him and he seemed alright but I never thought of him in anyway friend, more or anything else. He was just one of the guys at work. I hadn’t talk to him or been around him to see what he was like. Like the one guy there his old roommate I knew I didn’t like the first time or two of talking to him. He was just one of those people that you know as soon as you talk to them the less you have to be around them deal with them or interact with them the better. You just smile and deal with them because of where you are, kind of things.

With Starfish I hadn’t seen or been around him talked to him to even know that much about him. He was just the keep to himself quiet guy. He say hi or what if he came in or I was out there for something or came up but that was it. He didn’t go out of his way to make conversation or loud or just talking to be talking and talking shit just to hear himself talk like some of them or a lot of them out there. Thinking they are funny or what. Don’t get me wrong they weren’t rude or anything they just a bunch of guys and like to joke around and have a good time and include everyone and they just treated me like one of them, so they would say things or joke around and things when I came up or was out there or they came in for something. But that just wasn’t him or how he was that was fine.

I don’t know how we even really got started talking. I think Bff said something about him asking about me or something and me her and him talked out there or something. I would have to look back and read my post to see honestly and that is probably sad but hey. However it happen we started talking and it’s just went from there. When I started talking to him I wasn’t sure about him because I looked him up and things. I hadn’t been around him and talked to him enough to get a idea of what he was like or anything about him still. I wasn’t really interested in more from what I seen when I looked him up but figured I would get to know him. It never really went further than us talking and hanging out here and there. But after I got to know him and we talked he seemed to be alright and things made a little more since once I got to know his past and things. He wasn’t like the rest we had conversations and things he wasn’t trying to just hook up or what. We never talked about anything like that or dating. We just talked and hung out I helped him out and things. But as we talked, hung out we got to really know each other and it just went from there.

Since he has made the comments he has and about more but we all know where that has ended up. But he has made the comments about hooking up too and like I said I don’t even think twice I just like no, nope, not what I am looking for. I thought what makes him different? What makes him different than my “friend” or my Old Friend? Other than I just don’t want to be with anyone else and the one wasn’t supposed to happen. Why is it so easy for me to do what I did with them but then so easy for me to turn him down when I feel the way I do about him but didn’t have the feelings for the others like I do him and I did what I did?

Writing my other post yesterday it hit me. With the others even though at one point and time I would have considered more with them we talked about it upfront and I knew that was not where it was going with them. I decided to go ahead with it and just disconnected or took the feeling and things out of it. But once I do it is impossible it seems to go back the other way. Like with my “friend” who in the be gaining didn’t want anything and now does I just don’t feel the same way as I did then. I went in with one mine set and got okay with that. My old friend, I am leaning more toward I don’t know if it would go anywhere if if wanted it to try or not. With him I went into it not sure and then we talked and it was a see where it goes if it turns into something it does if it don’t it don’t. It was already kind of the mind set I had since I wasn’t sure about it anyway just on a different level than I was considering.

What is different about Starfish is I do have feelings for him, I do care about him, would like more with him and don’t want to jump into sex with him even if we are together. I know that if we decided to just hook up or hang out and just hook up it would not be like the others. Because the feelings are there I do want more. Even though I could go into a strictly friends or see where it goes relationship with him and be okay, I don’t want to because once I do that I will disconnect and take feelings and things out of it and stop looking at the relationship we have the same way and if he decided he wanted more or what I wouldn’t. Then what I blew it, I messed up something that I wanted and waited so long for. All because I decided to forget feelings and just hook up. If I decided to take feeling out of the picture and then couldn’t get them back or what. Or what if I took them out but couldn’t keep them out and that is all he really wanted and he never did want more? That could happen too and then how would I feel? I don’t know if I could cope with that. I couldn’t cope when me and RC broke up because I was still in it had feelings and things and he ended it. I don’t want to get in another relationship and it end like that or end with just hooking up if it is someone that I really have feelings for.

With the others too I was interested in them but I didn’t have feelings for them. Even with my “friend” I had feelings for him a while back but it wasn’t the same as what I feel for Starfish and it was more of a he was “safe” in a way because we have been doing this for so long vs. feelings and wanting to have more with him. Because I knew we want different things.

With Starfish we have taken the time to get to know each other on a different level than me or either one of the others have and are looking for a lot of the same things and dealing with some of the same things in different ways. We both bring things to the table to help each other out because we know and have been there and are willing to be there and help each other out and work together with the things that we haven’t been through or don’t know about.

I better get off here I am at work and have two or three days to get booked out and taken care of. I been on here way to long. But wanted to get this post written. Clear my head and get some things out. But it has just brought up more. Maybe I will get to write some tonight or later today.

{January 28, 2019}   Why Can’t I

Just break it off with my friend and my old friend? I’m not looking for anything more with either one of them. I mean if I was I could have it with my friend, he has done made it clean he would like more than what we are doing. He knows I’m not but keeps coming around. Like I said in  Time to Break It Off I feel like sometimes he is hoping that I change my mind or it is going to turn into more. I don’t want to give him that impresion or idea. But he has said to me a few times I want more but you don’t, so. Like its just what it is and he is okay with that. I don’t ask him to come over like I use to. I kind of leave it alone unless he ask then a lot of times I will say I can’t I am working or busy. Once in a while I go. I go more to get out of the house have something to do.

With my old friend I like to go with him and hang out and just have a good time. But I don’t know about no A Weekend Away with him. That just seems like taking things to another level or testing waters in that direction. I just don’t know about that. I don’t know that I am really into more with him or not. I am leaning more to not but I don’t know. There really isn’t feelings there for him but that is because of the conversation we had in the be gaining. I just don’t know if things would change if I wanted them too.

But then knowing this abouy both I can’t just walk away and break it off. I think maybe I don’t want to lose the friendship mostly. But like my friend I don’t think I would I never did in the past even when I was with Little Bitties dad we still talked. Nothing about being together or anything like that just talked like friends.

With my old friend we talked once in a while not a lot and I am sure things would be the same. Like he told me before he hopes I find someone and that if someone wants to take me out go and have a good time.  We both know what we are doing and it is what it is if one finds someone it isn’t a big deal.

I really don’t know why I want to break it off with my old friend either thinking about it. Other than I am not as free to go like I was when I first started going down there. Now it seems like something else I have to figure out how and when to do and it sucks. Where as before if I wanted to go and he was up for it I just went or if he wanted to go do something I felt like it I went. I don’t know, i just want things in my life to get back to the way they were. I need her out of my house and my house peaceful and happy again.

{January 27, 2019}   Re: Not Sure What To Think

I talked to my friend this morning. He said he had a lot going on this week he was moving and things. He moved from his place because they wanted way more than it was worth and was upping the rent. He went to stay with someone he knew but it was about 40 miles or so from work and it really was just a room. He couldn’t have people over or do anything. He spent most the evening driving around just to not be there after work. He couldn’t even have someone over just to watch tv, cookout nothing like that.

He said he moved in with his brother. Its a lot closer to work he has use of the house as if it was his. He seemed a lot happier. He asked if I could come over. I told him maybe this week i could get away and over for a bit.

He still didn’t say anything about the other but I think like me he knew I wasn’t and that if I thought I was or maybe that I wouldn’t of just put it out there like that. That he will probably say something about it when we get together again. It don’t bother me after thinking about it more because I think if he really thought I was or I put it to him like I thought I was and not the way I did he would of responded different.

{January 26, 2019}   Not Sure What To Think

I have not heard from my friend since the night we talked and I wrote  Time to Break It Off. I do not know how I feel about that or how I should feel about it.

I messaged him Wednesday night when we were out he never responded. I don’t think he seen it until the next morning but he still never responded.

Someone you have been with and are with often and was with not that long ago says something about maybe being pregnant or that someone said maybe they are you would think you would be wanting to know or have something to say about it more than he did. Or wanting to know if by chance you were if it was his or if there was a chance of it being someone else.

Maybe because I wasn’t worried about it and didn’t think I was and he didn’t either. But I am still surprised I haven’t heard from him. I figured he would get a hold of me the next night because he was really wanting to go out the night before. If we can’t get together that night we try to the next night or with in a few days. He said he didn’t have his little girl so he had a free weekend. I can’t figure out why he isn’t saying anything. Maybe he is worried. But I don’t think so takes a lot to get to him. But he is getting things straight and bettering things for himself and said he didn’t want more now maybe he really don’t it isn’t a good time and he is freaking out ha ha. Who knows. I may say something to him tonight see if he responds. Maybe he found a girlfriend or maybe like me never thought I was so didn’t feel the need to bring it up again and he has just been busy.

{January 25, 2019}   Sold Another one

Last night when I left my day job I went and picked up something to eat before I went to the lot. I got there and was sticking my purse in the drawer and putting my stuff down and Mr. Auto said that’s your customer your up. I dropped my food in the drawer with my purse found my papers and went to go out the door.

The guy was headed in the women was sitting in the truck still and she was saying something to him. It looked like they were arguing. I turned to Mr. Auto and said this isn’t going to be anything they are not out of the truck and fighting.

About that time the guy came in. I asked of I could help him. He said yes he needed to talk to a sales person about a few of the cars he seen on line. I said okay which ones were you wanting information on? He said could he talk with a sales person to get him information on them. I said yes I can help you with all that I am the sells person. He looked funny and said oh okay then. I took them out and showed them a few they decided on a car and bought it. He says he is going to come back and get a truck in a few months when he gets tax money.

I made some money last night if they bring in the rest of the down by the end of April I will make some more off of it.

Tonight it is dead again, hopefully it will be busy tomorrow. I have to do my 10 hours.

I hope with the government opening back up it lets tax money come out on time and people calm down and start shopping again.

Even a few good checks would be good and help right now.

{January 25, 2019}   Now a Heart Attack

Wednesday Little Bitty had to go get a tooth pulled. She was supposed to go at 2 so they could give her the gas to calm her down. I arranged with the guys to leave at 1 and with Pops to come in late and cover me.

Tuesday when I was winding down for the day I called Pops to remind him and confirm everything. Not 10 minutes after I got off the phone they call to say they messed up they need her there at 10 am. I am supposed to be at work at 10 am. I told her I did not know I had to see if I could work it out.

I called Pops back and told him and ask if he could cover morning instead have the after noon free. He said it worked better for him because he had to go to the doctor at 3.

Wednesday I take Little Guy to school and came home and laid back down with Little Bitty. It was only 8 so we had an hour or more before we needed to go.

About 830 I got a text from the owner saying his dad could not open for me today so they were just going to put a note on the door saying opening at noon.

I said oh no, okay I hope to be there before but should not be any later. He never responded back.

We went they couldn’t pull it because there is a spot on the gums. They gave her meds and sent her home. I got her lunch and dropped her off at school.

I got to work at like 11:40. I clocked in opened everything up and got everything going. I decided to call Pops and check on him, see if everything was alright.

He said he was getting lunch and then coming in. I told him there was no rush I was just calling to check on him make sure he was alright since he couldn’t open. He said something I couldn’t understand and then said he told you what happen didn’t he?

I said no that is why I am calling to see if you are alright. See if you need something.

He said I have been at the hospital all morning I just left came to get something to eat before I came in. He said my brother that lives with me had a heart attack this morning I had to call 911 to come get him.

I said no I had no idea he never said. I couldn’t figure out why you wouldn’t have come in something must be wrong.

Later after he came in he said his brother came in his room or to the door called him ask if he was getting up. He told him no he wasn’t right now or yet. Hadn’t planed on it. He said well he thought he was having a heart attack and needed to go to the er.

He said he jumped up put his clothes on and called 911. He said he looked bad. He was scared to try and take him hisself.

He said when they got him to the hospital they took him straight to the OR and worked on him. They had to put 2 stints in and bring him back why they had him on the table. He was in ICU.

He said he lost a nephew in September he had not gotten over, then his wife two days after Christmas and he said now this. I feel so bad its hitting him hard he is struggling.

{January 24, 2019}   A Weekend Away

This morning after I got to work my Old Friend messaged me to see what I was doing and make sure I got home safe last night. He said his truck isn’t running good why he didn’t come last night. It stormed bad here this morning. When I dropped the kids off at school it looked like it was about 6 at night. It was so dark and stormy. Something was said about it and he said he was trying to go home but it probably wouldn’t happen.

He ask what I had planned for the weekend I told him I had to work and things. Ask what he was doing? He said he didn’t know. We both got busy with work. To night at my other job when I finally got to sit down I messaged and ask if he finally got to go home?

He said he was home and ask if I wanted to come join him in a shower.

I said I was working. We talked a minute. I said I was tired.

He said

I hear ya… need to get away for a weekend and take a break… kids, no work, just relaxation, with a stiff drank…..Lol

I told him I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.

He said we would find something, have a good time.

We talked a little I was getting cleaned up everything done for the night to go home. In a bit he said.

Yo….I’m serious about trying to get away from all Friday night to Sunday afternoon sometime soon.

I told him it would be a few weeks before I had Saturday of or could put in for one.

He was like okay I am good for going in two weeks.

He wants to go to the river or something. I’m good with that heck but I don’t know if I can really get away for the weekend. If I could I wouldn’t care if we just stayed at his house even but I know he wants to get away from there too.

Really I don’t know If I want to go with him for the weekend. I do because we have a good time together I like hanging out with him. But at the same time it is like pointless because I want more and he don’t. But then I say oh well who cares your both adults not seeing anyone so why not. Go have a good time.

But it just don’t feel right I don’t know. If we do it won’t be in two weeks that is for sure. I have to much going on right now.

{January 24, 2019}   Not Going To Drink It

Last night we went to our weekly girls night out. My friend I worked with at the beach job was there. She was just getting off so we had our regular waiter. She came over and talk to us a bit and said she had to go she had a drink over there. I said I would be drinking but didn’t have the money to drink what I wanted.

In a little bit she brought me a drink over said she wasn’t going to drink it. They were two for one. I drank it started talking to the waiter about others. I ended up having two Long Island ice Tea after that. I guess because the first was made for her and then because we are friends and we know the waiter they made them strong. I was feeling good. I was relaxed but not buzzed.

We ended up leaving early because bff’s aunt wasn’t feeling good. I had left my truck at her house. We dropped her off and bff followed me home. I was alright but with my tag I was not taking a chance on getting pulled over.

I had messaged my Old Friend told him to come see me he was in bed. Told me I could come down if I wanted to. I told him I had to much to drink to do that. I knew it would hit me I didn’t want to be caught out needing to drive when it did.

I think he fell a sleep I didn’t hear from him much after we talked about the truck a minute.

{January 19, 2019}   Time to Break It Off

I am thinking it is time to tell my “friend” that we need to stop doing what we have been doing all this time. I feel like I am giving him false hope or leading him on. I feel he is really thinking or waiting for this to go further or turn into something it isn’t going to.

We went out a few weeks ago for a little bit he was telling me how he likes when we get together and spending time with me.

Last night he messaged me ask what I was doing? I was on the phone with BFF sitting in the truck at the store waiting for oldest to get out of the store. I just said waiting for her to get out of the store. I didn’t say what store or nothing like that.

I didn’t get a reply in a second I look up he is pulled up beside me. He got out came over and stood there talking to me. He said I was driving around and stopped to message you back. I looked up and there was your truck. Oldest came out almost right away. She had been in there forever. We talked a few he ask what I was going to do? I said go get my charger from bff and go home I been feeling sick for two days. He was wanting to go out. He said he could drive me over to Bff’s house. I told him no it was okay. I finally told him to call me in 15 or 20 minutes. He said okay. We all left. Me oldest went to bff’s and then home. It was a bit before he got a hold of me.

He is driving and everything now he could of been out meeting someone or trying to meet someone or something. Instead he is hitting me up wanting to go out. I really am not interested in more. I just don’t know. Maybe after last night when he did message me back.

I told him I really didn’t feel good I wasn’t going out.

He said he would make me feel better. I told him I couldn’t I had to be at work this morning.

I told him……I really haven’t felt good for days. Bff keeps saying I’m pregnant. Told her she lost her mind.

I don’t think I am but she keeps saying it joking around. I just said it to see what he would say.

First he just sent lol…..I didn’t say anything for a bit, trying to decide what to say. He then said……And wouldnt that be some crazy shit 😏

I said it would be something alright.

He said he don’t see it I probably have that stomach bug going around.

I said I don’t either guess I would know soon enough. Then said I told Bff I would drop it off on her door step since she likes to collect kids.

He just laughed. I said I am to old to be starting over. He has not said another word.

At one point me not wanting another kid was one reason he didn’t want to get together. Then when we were talking in June he said he didn’t want more. He said it again at some other point before or after that about not wanting more too. So I don’t know where he stands or how he really feels about all that at this point. I really don’t think I am or I would of never said it. I think I am fighting whatever it is going around.


{January 19, 2019}   Don’t Know How To Help

So the other day I was haven a hard time with Little Bitty and I was talking to sleeping Beauty and said something about it. I was so mad with her and ready to come unglued.

He said to tell her he was coming over. I laughed said no. He asked why? I said she is having a hard time with things but she has to stop. He asked what was wrong?

I told him how she is wanting me to get ahold of her dad for her and she wants to get to know him and things.

We both had to go and didn’t really talk about it. Then later I talk to him and it came up. We were talking I went to say something and I was trying to figure out what I was trying to say. Because we were talking about helping her or how she feels.

I am at a loss for what to do or how to help her how to explain any of it to her. Really what do I say because I have told her I can’t get him that is it. I can’t say anything else because I don’t know. I was trying to figure out how to deal with her feelings how to help her with that. How she must feel. This is one area I have no idea where to start it hit me that………..

I don’t know how to help her, what to do for her. I can’t imagine what it is like or how she feels. When I was younger my dad wasn’t always around, but I knew him and knew he was there and that he loved me. We had a relationship such as it was.

Here we are days later and I still don’t know what to say or how to help her or know how she is feeling. Or any of my other kids for that matter. I think this is what I am still having the biggest problem with and so mad about with both of them. Not the money, not struggling all the time, not having to work all the hours I work or the jobs I have to do or have done. What I am mad about the most and yes a little bitter about and extremely pissed off about is the way they have just stepped out and aren’t being dads and don’t care and don’t think about the impact it is having on their children. I am mad because I can’t fix it or make it better or help them because I don’t know how, there is no way to, I am pissed off because my dad is gone and was taken way to soon and that they do not at least have him to help fill in. That I don’t still have him.

But mostly over the deadbeats that careless about their kids. I have moved on gotten over and through I guess you can say what they have done to me. But I can’t get past or over how they have done or are doing the kids. Or the fact that I can’t fix it. I do not know if I will ever get over it or come to a place with it where it don’t bother me or that I can live with it and deal with it without getting mad or wanting to rage. Because if I am honest thinking about it or talking about it puts me in a rage. I get so mad dealing with Little Bitty so very angry I have to just bite my tongue and hold back because I don’t want to take it out on her. Because she is little and dealing with a lot and a lot of feelings that she has no idea what to do with or how to handle or express. I am not mad at her as much as I am at her dad for doing her this way.

I am at work guess I should get off here and try to find something to do. I have to charge this phone again. I just took it off charge at 7 something it was at 100 after charging all night. Now it is 10 and it is 70 I have hardly been on it.

et cetera
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