I don’t know what to do anymore or how to keep going. Everything is breaking and we need a ton we are doing without because I haven’t been able to get it.

I still have not been able to get the breaks fixed on my truck. It sounds horrible and much harder to stop of course. My dryer decided to break last night, it is making some kind of horrible sounds. I am guessing something has frozen up or broken the way it sounds. We needs clothes, we are down to a few outfits each makes for more clothes. Needing to be washed. Clothes wearing out faster. The boys beds are still messed up and mine at this point. My couch messed up from my poor 2nd having to sleep on it all the time. The front end is still messed up on my truck eating yet another pair of tires off of it.

All I can think is my rent is about to go up in March to $900 or more a month and how can I afford that. If I do then how am I ever going to take care of anything else or get anything we needs. Things are just going to get worse and worse here soon. They already are slowly. I had been keeping things up and I don’t know what happen everything is falling a part.

Part of it was I was borrowing from here and there to pay this and that. Then paying it back from tax or school or so much a week. Really I didn’t have it to do that because the money I was using to pay back I needed for other things and bills but paid everyone back instead. So that has just kept the cycle going. Now I don’t have money from school and things to use for anything.

I could see if I was living beyond my means and trying to have everything and the best of everything. But I’m not, I am just trying to get by and servive.

It is starting to seem as if everyone is right and my kids do live a pretty shitty life anymore. I don’t want to live it’s a wonder they do anymore at this point.

I said something to my 8 year old about being sorry things are the way they are right now and not being able to do more with them and do better. He said it is okay we can’t have everything we want. Something about being a king or something. That people aren’t supposed to have or need to have everything. He was happy.

We talked more about how things are and my mom being there, his dad leaving. He keeps talking about my dad and him passing away and everything he loves leaving him. He hasn’t brought up his dad in all of it I find odd but as hard as it has been with my dad passing I know his dad not being around is hard and that he is indirectly talking about him too by things he says. I said to him the other night something about his dad when he was talking. He said yeah life has just been really ruff for me but it’s okay, I have you and you take care of me.

It just all killed me because they know we don’t have but still try to make it okay and be happy. But I know they aren’t and they will say do you think one day we will have money to do this or that, to go here or therw or have this or that? Or when you get the money can we……..

Everytime they ask for something or want to do something I get say we can’t. They want to go to Applebee’s for appetizers and to sing tonight I don’t even have the money for that. But all their friends are going. Missing a weeks worth of work with holidays and sick kids just made things worse.

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